Veterinarian Accidentally Neuters Rare Male Kitten

Atlanta, GA – Cat lovers in Atlanta, Georgia are threatening to have the license of a local veterinarian pulled after finding out that he unwittingly neutered a rare male kitten instead of preserving the animal’s unlikely yet slim possibility of breeding more of his kind.

The kitten in question, a “torbie” is considered quite rare. A mix between a tortoise-shell calico and a tabby cat, most all torbies are born female. The fact that this was a male torbie was big news in the shelter where little “Dickie”, the name given him by shelter workers, was taken after the owner didn’t know how rare he really was.

Gladys Grubster, a life-long shelter worker who had called dibs on Dickie before the operation, said after hearing the news, “Well, there goes my ticket outta volunteer hell. I was planning on breeding Dickie in the hopes of breeding even more male torbies and finally making enough money to retire, but that dream has been shot all to hell thanks to Dr. Snip-Snip.”

Chances of ever finding another torbie in the area are slim to none, leaving everyone involved to wonder why this doctor was so quick to put Dickie under the knife. “Look, I’m not as stupid as I look,” said the vet. “Male torbies are rare sure, but not so rare is the fact that they are typically born sterile.”

“Which begs the question,” said Gladys, obviously unable to control her rage, “Why the hell did you even bother neutering Dickie then, you moron? And how the hell do you think he got here in the first place?”

When Gladys was asked if she would still be adopting poor little Dickie, Gladys replied, “What the hell for?”

World Association of Applied Mathematicians Say Zero No Longer Necessary

Geneva, Switzerland – During a recent conference of some of the most gifted mathematicians in the world, the subject of the number zero came up again, as it has in past conferences. However, this time, the mathematicians have finally gotten some closure on the matter of (1) whether zero is actually a number and (2) the worth of zero.

After much discussion and several hypotheses as to how physics in general would be affected if zero were no longer considered a number, the mathematicians have finally determined that zero is no longer necessary and can be ignored as a valid number.

The winning argument for the case was made by Swedish mathematician Gruud Vergenstuggen wherein he simply stated, “Take the equation 1 + 0 = 1. The zero makes no difference in the outcome of the equation. In fact, it just makes things more complicated than just saying that the number 1 is the sum of the number 1. Furthermore, regarding the number 10, the zero after the one implies that there is nothing after the one, so when you take the number 11, you already know that there was a ten, and therefore no reason to have a zero.”  When asked how one would then go about writing numbers without zeros, Dr. Vergenstuggen replied simply “Ones can’t write.”

Ed. Note: For those who don’t get the visual to this story, the figure that looks like an 8 is actually the symbol for infinity.

In Latest Speech, Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr

In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over--that she is undeserving of the large sums of money she commands for her appearance fees.

Stopping short of coming right out and calling herself a modern-day martyr, Sarah Palin did say that her message will go on long after she is no longer a highly-paid political speaker, leaving many to wonder if that meant she was going to stop accepting large speaking fees or that she was willing to die for her beliefs.

“I stand before you today willing to accept your generous support without feeling the need to explain whether or not I’m worthy of it,” said Palin. “Some people give their greatness away, but as my mother used to say, ‘if you give puppies away for free, people won’t cherish them as much as if they are made to pay dearly for them—charge a hundred bucks plus the cost of shots and neutering.’ I still live by those words today.”

“The same goes for me and my time,” she continued. “If I was to show up and just give my speeches away for free, the good people who follow my politics would begin to take me for granted, possibly even stop coming to see me. Therefore, I must charge them a lot so that they feel they are getting something of value from me, whether they are or they aren’t.”

The presidential hopeful didn’t stop there, likening herself to the great Joan of Arc. “Just like Joan of Arc who was burned at the stake for her beliefs, I too am being persecuted for my belief that I am worth every penny paid to me for my speaking engagements,” said Palin to thunderous applause and chants of “Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.”