Rocker Beck Removes “c” in name to Disassociate Self from Glenn Beck

Totally cool indie rocker, Beck, has had enough of being confused with Glenn Beck on the internet and is finally taking steps to disassociate himself once and for all with the name Beck. He has decided to revert back to his real name Bek so that his friends and fans no longer have to be subjected to the vitriolic message they sometimes are subjected to when they find their way onto Glenn Beck’s website by mistake.

To introduce the change, Bek is planning on hosting a free intimate “Re-Naming Party” in L.A. sometime in May. And, to make absolutely certain his fans no longer confuse him with Glenn Beck, he is re-releasing his hit “Loser” and dedicating it to Glenn Beck. Said a close friend, “Listen to the lyrics, man, it’s just so fuc*ing fitting you know? ‘Kill the headlights and put it in neutral, Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control. Soy un perdedor.’ So fuc*ing fitting.”

New Old Age Replacing New Age as New Age-Old Age

In the blink of an eye, the New Age will be over, and the New Old Age will take over.  Sources close to the divine greatness himself known only as a whisper have confirmed that before the end of the second decade of 2000, the world, as we know it, will be changed forever. 

This gives us little time to figure out how the New Old Age thing is going to work or if we are even going to be taking part in it. For the time being, many questions abound such as: Will the New Old Age be in any way similar to the New Age? Is it a new belief system based on old teachings or, is it an old belief system based on old teachings or, is it a new belief system based on new teachings of an old nature? Why is it called New if it is Old?

Initial whisperings indicates that New Old Age just is, and makes perfectly clear that it is not a belief system in the current understanding, but something that will replace all the earthly belief systems as simply an age.

Said one early follower: “This truly is unbelievable, when you start to understand and follow it.”

In secret settlements being erected in caves somewhere deep in the mountains of Peru, new beings known as New Old Age Heralds or (NOAH’s) are busy channeling new beings into being. When the time comes, the means to do this will be taught to everyone on the planet who survives the New Old Age conversion. For the time being though, these beings are being kept in complete secrecy.

"Arousal Man” Barred from Future Palin Rallies

Cliff Boehner, no relation to Sen. John Boehner, has a bit of a problem whenever he gets within 100 feet of Sarah Palin. He can’t contain his excitement and, in fact, becomes highly aroused. It is for that reason that Mr. Boehner is no longer welcome at any of Sarah Palin’s future rallies.

Said a Palin spokesperson, “You can always tell when Mr. Boehner is ‘front and center’ so to speak at Sarah’s feet because Sarah lets out a gasp and can’t concentrate on her speech. It really throws her rhythm off, to say the least.”

In Mr. Boehner’s defense, his friends and family say that Sarah would be hard pressed to find a more loyal follower. Boehner has been following Sarah Palin ever since she was first introduced by John McCain as his running mate in the 2008 elections and his family has gotten used to his little “problem.” In fact, now they just laugh and say “Cliffie’s got a stiffie,” and joke about being able to bottle that kind of enthusiasm.

“He’s really harmless,” said his wife, Carrie, of 28 years. “We’ve tried everything, therapy, medication, biofeedback, but honestly I’m not complaining. I just hope Sarah stays in the spotlight for many a year because honestly, I am the one who’s really making out on this deal.”

As for Mr. Boehner being banned from showing up at future rallies, Mr. Boehner claims that he’s willing to risk imprisonment to be close to the woman who makes him feel all tingly inside just listening to her voice. He admits, it’s not Palin’s message that forces his libido into a heightened state of alert. Boehner says it’s that nasally hum when she speaks that sends out vibrations straight to his core. “It’s the best sex I’ve ever experienced without actually physically touching anyone,” he claims.