Mitt Romney Claims Elephants Definitely Not Disappearing

One of Romney's Many Elephants

Now that Mitt Romney has a commanding lead in the GOP primaries, reporters are beginning to ask him more difficult questions in order to determine just how ready he is to be America’s next President.

Today, after Romney was declared the winner in all three primary elections, one reporter decided to test the candidate on current events.

“Mr. Romney, it has recently been reported that elephants are quickly disappearing and there may come a day soon when the elephant no longer exists. Can you tell us where you stand on that?”

Romney, ever one to give totally off-the-cuff replies, didn’t skip a beat.

“Well, as you know, I am a Republican and so is my wife, Ann,” said Romney. “And, for as long as I can remember, the elephant has always been the symbol of the GOP. So, over the years, my wife and I have collected elephants. We’ve bought some ourselves and have also gotten elephants in every shape and form from family and friends. You know how it is when someone finds out you are a collector,” he said. “It makes gift giving that much easier.”

Romney then began to tick off just how many elephants he has.

“We’ve got about 2 or 3 elephant tea pots, several large elephant statues in our garden, a couple of ceramic elephants on our mantle at home, and so many other elephant-shaped bric-a-brac that I just can’t count them all,” he said.

“So, in answer to your question, I hardly believe there will ever come a day when the elephant doesn’t exist,” said Romney.

“Of course, it would be nice to get rid of a few of them because Ann says it’s hell on the maids having to keep them all dusted.”

Detroit Board of Education Stunned at Revolt by Highly Perceptive Students

DETROIT - Top educators in Detroit are scratching their heads and wondering how they could have missed the fact that their city schools are filled with kids who actually want to learn.

Their first and only clue came last Thursday when about 50 students who attend Frederick Douglass Academy in the Motor City left their classrooms and began protesting in front of the school.

No, it wasn’t because pink slime had been banned from the cafeteria. It wasn’t because they weren’t allowed to bring their cell phones to school, and it wasn’t because there was too much homework—quite the opposite.

Students at the all-boy academy were actually complaining because there was no homework. In fact, the protest arose because the students say they are being denied the right to a decent education.

“Who knew,” said Faye Cradenshul, a key administrator who works for the Detroit Public School System.

“I mean, who knew they would even notice if we just sat them in classrooms and let them fend for themselves. We figured they’d be happy as a bunch of Ferris Buellers,” she said, referring to the infamous movie about a high school kid who faked illness to get a day off school.

In reality, it was the teachers who were acting like a bunch of Buellers, one of which so far has tallied more than 68 days of sick time, leaving the students to teach themselves math.

Evidently, the self-teaching paid off as the students were able to put two and two together in order to realize they were getting one raw deal from Detroit educators.

Unfortunately, the protest backfired. Instead of getting teachers to realize they were willing to sit in class and actually learn something, the student protesters were suspended and sent home.

“That’ll teach them a lesson they’ll never forget,” said Cradenshul.

Jon Stewart Threatens to Quit over Olbermann Hiring

NEW YORK - Rumors of Comedy Central hiring progressive news host Keith Olbermann has Jon Stewart threatening to quit and go elsewhere to peddle his brand of humor. Stewart, who shares billing with what he calls “The Best Fu#@ing News Team Ever,” was visibly shaken upon hearing the news first hand from a TMZ reporter after leaving the Sushiden on Madison Avenue early Sunday afternoon.

“You have got to be fu#@ing kidding me,” said Stewart while simultaneously telling his wife to get his agent on the phone immediately. “Wait, hold that. This is an April Fool’s joke, right?” he asked the reporter.

Assured by the reporter that the story came from verified sources, Stewart replied that he wasn’t convinced this wasn’t some kind of hoax played on him by one of his friends.

Stewart said he’d rather work for Fox News than share the same studio space with Olbermann, who he claims is one of the unfunniest guys he’s ever met.

“You want funny? Hire Bill O’Reilly,” Stewart reportedly told TMZ.