Glenn Beck Trades Fancy Fox Set for Soapbox and Bullhorn

Last week, Glenn Beck hosted his last show on the Fox News Network. While he won’t admit he was fired for his lack of ability to tone down the batshit crazy rhetoric he is so famous for, he does say that his firing has opened a new doorway to allow him to get his message out to the people on a more personal level.

Holding an impromptu press conference immediately after leaving Fox, Beck welcomed the chance to try out his new method of delivering his message. “I’ve decided it is time to get back to my roots,” said Beck, as he put a makeshift soapbox on the ground, stepped up on it and began speaking through a bullhorn.

“Don’t weep for me, faithful Beckkies. This is not the end. It is just the beginning. I welcome the change that Roger [Ailes] has offered me. The ability to walk away from a lucrative salary and just hit the streets with our founding fathers’ message.

Beck told the three or four people who had gathered to watch him leave the Fox News premises that he has been busy writing a series of speeches entitled “The Soapbox Diaries,” and intends to give the speeches in various cities throughout America, reaching as many patriots as he can one-by-one.

“Hell, if it’s good enough for the hallelujah boys on the street corners, then it’s sure as hell good enough for me,” Beck shouted, alluding to that fact that he was now left with nothing more than an opinion. With that, Beck stepped back down off the soapbox and started to leave.

One bystander asked Beck if he’ll miss the bright lights and big corporate news set, not to mention his giant blackboard. Beck stepped back up on the soapbox and responded through his bullhorn, “It’s not about appearing in front of a television camera and reaching millions of viewers; it’s not even about having fancy props like giant blackboards and a whole new box of colored chalk. It’s about going into neighborhoods and shouting at the top of my lungs, “Give me back my liberty,” he said. “You just can’t do that in a studio. Believe me, I tried. They told me to pipe down.”

At which time, one of Roger Ailes’ assistants approached Beck demanding he surrender the Coke crate and bullhorn he’d taken from the Fox News prop room.

One Millionth Elvis Impersonator Honored in Las Vegas

Las Vegas, NV– This week marked a milestone in Las Vegas as one lucky lad had the great fortune of becoming the one millionth person to get his own show in Vegas as an Elvis impersonator. Gruud MacPhereson, or Mac as he’s known--an out-of-work whiskey kegger from Glasgow--couldn’t believe it when told the news by the owner of the Grand Golden Jackpot Hotel, Casino and All-You-Can-Eat IncrediBuffet.

“Actually,” said MacPhereson, “I wasn’t pure lookin' tae bide in Vegas mair than a coople ay days, when a bodie spotted me blooter'd oan th' stage in th' middle ay th' nicht singin' mah rendition ay hoonddog an' said ah was a deid ringer fur Elvis. Noo I’m daein' mah ain shaw an' everythin'. It’s a dream cam trew.”

[Translation: Ackshelly, I waddna rally lookin’ ta stay in Vegas more en a coopla days, when someone spotted me drunk onna stage in th’ middle a th’ neit singin’ ma rendition of Hoondog en said eye was a dead ringer fer Elvis. Now I’m in ma own show an evre’thing. It’s a dream cam trew.]

Sponsors of the “Never Too Many Elvis Impersonators” contest claim that MacPhereson is about the closest thing to Elvis they’ve seen so far, and also one of the most entertaining, both sober and drunk. The only thing that sets him apart is his red hair. MacPhereson is standing firm on that.

“Eye ain’t gonna dye ma hair black fer no one,” said Mac.

MacPhereson really stands out, nevertheless in his white, rhinestone-studded sleeveless t-shirt and plaid kilt. Also, he is the only Elvis Impersonator who is accompanied by a bagpipe.

“You’ll not hear a more stirrin’ rendition of ‘Love Me Tender’ than when Mac sings it with the bagpipe in the background,” said one of MacPhereson’s loyal fans.

Most people are under the impression that Elvis impersonators are from the United States, particularly southern states such as Tennessee, Georgia, and Alabama, but in reality, about a third of the now million impersonators come from foreign countries.

“We once had a fellow from Turkey whose stage name was Ahmed Pressley. What a hoot. You couldn’t understand a word he said, but when he started singing like Elvis, man you could close your eyes and think the king was right there on stage. Ahmed always closed his shows with ‘Tank you veddy much, my friend.’ He was one of our all-time favorites and a very polite person as well,” said Eddie Spiggetti, General Manager of the Grand Golden.

MacPhereson hasn’t said how long he plans on staying in Vegas now that he’s won the award, but his friends say he’s not in that much of a hurry to get back to Scotland. Ironically, his wife left him because she couldn’t take another Elvis song.

Her loss, Vegas’ gain.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn smiled broadly for the cameras as he and his wife left a NY courtroom Friday after being told by a judge that he was being released on his own recognizance. The dark veil of accountability for his actions in allegedly raping a hotel maid had lifted somewhat, allowing Strauss-Kahn to enjoy his own Independence Day celebration.

An unidentified aide spoke on the condition of anonymity about how Strauss-Kahn was feeling upon his release. “He is elated. What dumb luck he had choosing this particular victim. Turns out, she was seeking asylum in America and had a few skeletons in her closet regarding her alien status,” said Jacques Laffoon, Strauss-Kahn’s personal assistant. “Not only that,” he said, “but she took too much time to think about whether or not to report the rape, leading prosecutors to doubt her sincerity about the crime.”

Laffoon claims the victim’s lies have all but ruined her case. “Dominique could not have chosen a better victim if he tried,” Laffoon said proudly.

Asked if the forensic evidence found in at the scene of the alleged crime corroborating the maid’s story that she was brutally raped by Strauss-Kahn regardless of the lies attributed to her didn’t worry his boss just a tad, Laffoon laughed and said “No, not in the least.”

“You obviously do not know how much trouble we have gone to to discredit this woman. We were lucky that she lied about so many things. Who cares if there is physical evidence of an alleged rape. Who is going to believe a liar? For all we know, she probably bruised her own vagina.”

Laffoon did state that he wonders when Strauss-Kahn’s luck will run out. “One of these days Dom is going to rape a woman who has a squeaky clean past and who is willing to stand up for herself. Thank goodness, the woman at present isn’t able to do that.