Fake Head in Suitcase Gets Comedian Arrested

Police are still scratching their heads over an incident this past weekend that resulted in a woman being rushed to the emergency room and a comedian heading off to jail.

“It was a spur of the moment thing, really,” explained Shawn (not his real name). I was sitting there in the train depot, waiting for my train, with my suitcase by my side, when a portly woman comes and sits beside me and the suitcase. Unfortunately for me, she was a talkative one, and asks where I’m going, so I politely tell her uptown, and turn away. But she continued. She talked on, non-stop for about ten minutes and I finally had enough.”

Shawn lit a cigarette and continued, “I couldn’t allow this woman one more word, or I felt I could strangle her, and then I remembered the fake severed head in my suitcase—I used it in my shows. It’s real as real can get. Anyway, I acted like I’d forgotten where I’d put my train ticket, checking all my pockets and finding nothing, when I then said to her ‘sheesh, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t fastened on’ and then I opened the suitcase.”

The woman’s name is being withheld until her family can be notified. Meanwhile, Shawn sits in jail awaiting arraignment for unintentional assault.

Susan Boyle Caught in Vicinity of Bali Gigolo Raid

Author's Note: Here's One for the Gals.

Bali Beach in Indonesia was the site of a recent raid in which 28 young, attractive “surfer-type” tan, hard-bodied, indescribably handsome, heterosexual men were detained on charges of offering companionship to well-heeled, rich women in exchange for monetary gain. In other words, a bunch of beach gigolos were rounded up and questioned.

Caught up in the raid were several lonely, well-to-do women, one of which is reported to be Susan Boyle. Still hurting from a break up with her 27-year old, perfectly sculpted body, olive-skinned, dark-haired boy toy in Italy, Ms. Boyle was innocently taking a rest on the beaches of Bali when the raid occurred. A 23-year old, darkly tanned, muscled, towel boy with shoulder-length black curly hair, clad only in a pair of turquoise-colored board shorts, who just happened to be chatting with Ms. Boyle at the time of the raids, was taken into custody along with other similarly handsome, skimpily-clad young, but not-so innocent, males. Ms. Boyle was questioned but released. She obviously seemed to have no clue what the police “were on about.”

Many of the gigolos, er surfers, were forced to spend the evening in jail; however, the blonde towel boy posted bail through a mysterious benefactor only an hour or so later, and was seen sometime during the dinner hour entering the lobby of the hotel where Ms. Boyle was staying, this time dressed in a chest-hugging Balinese cotton surf-print t-shirt and khakis, his strong, sensuous muscles peeking out from beneath the almost see-thru fabric.

Ms. Boyle has not been seen since, save for the occasional run for ice or to tip the bell boy for room service. Her handlers simply tell us she is laying low in order to allow the scandal to blow over. And she is singing…a lot.

On Second Thought, Arizona Governor Tweaks Immigration Law

Phoenix, AZ – In case you’ve been hiding out on a desert island for the past few weeks and haven’t been privy to a computer, newspaper or television, last week, Arizona Governor, Jan Brewer, signed into law a bill that significantly toughened Arizona’s stand against illegal immigrants taking up residence or passing through the state.

And then, all hell broke loose. The fallout from this bill is being heard all over the world actually, not just in the United States. In order to quell some of the mocking criticisms leveled at the Governor and legislators who came up with this brilliant piece of legislation, the Governor has signed some changes into the law, which we’ve listed here.

The bill now makes it perfectly clear that racial profiling will not be tolerated and therefore, a police officer cannot stop anyone based solely on the fact that they are deemed to be Hispanic and/or illegally Hispanic in nature. However, if the person is caught engaging in an activity that may be determined to be illegal, they can question said (Hispanic) person, even if the police officer himself is Hispanic.

Some real laws still on Arizona books that Hispanics may want to bone up on in order to stay on the right side of the law are:

*Donkeys can’t sleep in bathtubs (however, the law does not specifically include asses, nor does it preclude shower stalls).

*If someone is thirsty, you cannot refuse them a glass of water (that includes the police officer who is tailing you)

*In Nogales, you may not wear suspenders (this one, we have to agree with).

*When protesting in Prescott, you may not ride your horse (or donkey or someone else’s ass presumably) on the County Courthouse steps.

*In Tucson, women may not wear pants. (Although this one sounds out of date, it’s still a smart move for all Hispanic women in Tucson to wear skirts. And to be on the safe side, Hispanic men should not wear dresses.)

Another change to the Bill requires that all legal immigrants carry their alien registration documents with them at all times. We’re assuming the lawmakers are under the assumption that at some time or another, legal immigrants will do something illegal and get stopped and be required to prove their residency status to the officer who stopped them.

Specifically mentioned in news reports discussing the the bill changes is the ability of law enforcement officers to stop anyone on the suspicion of loitering. So, to be safe, if you are a legal immigrant in Arizona, and are not in a car, but find yourself walking down a public street, do not stop to talk to friends, ask directions, reach down to pick up a heads-up penny, or any number of other things that would make you appear to be loitering, unless, of course, you have your green card or complete portfolio of documents with you to prove that you are either a legal alien or in the process of getting legalized. Be aware, however, that although you will most likely be released to continue on your way, you will probably still be charged with loitering and for that, you will have to seek legal counsel.

And finally, beginning Monday, all Hispanic men, women and children who are legal residents of Arizona will be required to wear orange jumpsuits in order to cut down on lawsuits associated with complaints of racial profiling. “If our Hispanic residents wish to make this immigration reform process go smoother, we believe they won’t mind wearing clothing that will assist the men and women in law enforcement in making the right snap decisions, instead of relying on their intuitions, which may ultimately result in making wrong assumptions based solely on looks,” said a governor’s spokesperson.