Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins.  

“I saw a television commercial for daily multivitamins that came in the form of gummy fruits,” said Tommy from his hospital bed. “I noticed they had a sour fruit flavor, which is my favorite flavor in the whole world.”

Tommy claims he had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and ended up bringing home two bottles, one for himself and one for his wife. “I opened the bottle of sour gummy multivitamins and popped an orange slice-shaped vitamin into my mouth and was hooked,” said Tommy.

By the time his wife found him four hours later, he was semi-coherent with his bottle gone and his wife’s bottle half empty. “I didn’t much care for the regular gummy flavor,” said Tommy, indicating that by then, he was having second thoughts on downing so many of the flavorful fruits.

Doctors claim Tommy’s lack of taste for the regular-flavored gummy vitamins saved his life. “Had he bought two jars of the sour gummies,” said Dr. Granimal, chief physician at Methodist Regional Hospital, “Tommy wouldn’t be with us today.”

Dr. Granimal has reported this incident to the FDC which subsequently issued the nationwide warning. Adults with a sweet tooth are advised against taking the vitamins in this new candy formula. 

“While the candy-flavored chewable vitamins have worked for kids for decades,” said an FDC spokesperson, “some adults evidently are weaker than their kids and simply don’t have the will power to take just one as recommended.”

Bored Donald Trump Plans Orgy for West Wing

The White House announced yesterday, that the "you're fired" bo$$, Donald J. Trump, was ranting about how bored he is with all the talk about people's lives in the balance, do gooders, strikes, furloughs, whiny workers, and the general lack of attention he has been getting lately.

{paraphrasing} "I mean seriously? We are more concerned about government employees not getting paid than how I look on camera?" According to unnamed (Deep State) reporters, if he had to be the boss all the time, he might as well take advantage of the down time (due to government shutdown at the time of this writing)…to have some fun for a change.

Plans are being readied to recreate an authentic Roman toga party to include grapes, "those scarf dancers," per DJT, and enough fast food to choke a Trojan horse. In addition to the main party, a separate room is being readied for 'extracurricular' activities to coincide with the *yawn* toga party.

When word got out that the extracurricular activity was actually assigned code word: "Pee-Pee," party planners were confused.

Said one: "Does the toga party involve parts of Donald J. Trump being nude, as in wee-wee pee-pee? Or are we actually providing various liquids to be drank in high quantities so that hired ladies can pee on cue?" So far, the White House has not responded to requests for additional information, Trump has tweeted not too long ago that "anyone who doesn't understand the word play, especially with the word fore in front of it, doesn't know how to balance business with pleasure." and added "That's what I am here fore. Trust me, the orgy and list of attendees will be kept a secret"

MSNBC correspondents covering the White House confirmed several sources as confirming the confirmation that there would absolutely be a toga party in the very near future. No further information, other than (1) the possible names of two scarf dancers, Shak-Shak and Boo-Tea, and (2) and a list of possible names of elite invitees to the super secret event known as the PeePee Party, or Pee Pee Pee for short. Ok, the visuals, I get it. Let's move on.

MSNBC reached out to Stormy Daniels and her attorney, Michael Avenatti about the toga party. While Avenatti simply stated, "I already have an audio/visual tape of the Orgy," his client, Stormy Daniels, declined to comment whether or not she was invited to the sordid soiree and whether or not she would be attending. When told that the answer to both of those questions was the same answer, yes or no, she responded "ey, semantics."

When caught in the hallway of the Senate, Mitch McConnell was asked if he knew about the planned party and what he thought of an Orgy in the White House. McConnell responded "Not now. I need to get my sheets (er…suit) out of the cleaner."

In a related story, several elite Republican lawmakers have been caught pilfering an invitation written in crayon from D. Trump to Mike Pence asking he RSVP to the Toga Party at once. One lawmaker was caught off camera saying

"Pence? Are you serious? Invite him and he will bore the hell out of everyone there.. he'll bring the whole place down. I had dinner with him once. Never again. That guy is an a-number one buzz kill, and he is one Pee we don't need at our party."

BREAKING NEWS! Donald J Trump has just announced he would be willing to attend the next Correspondent's Dinner AND his own State of the Union Speech, IF he gets the promise of a wall. We'll keep you posted.