Listen up all you suicidal sorts out there. Big pharma
has an offer you can't refuse. One company out of Richmond, Virginia has a controversial
new program whereby you lend yourself to testing some of the most controversial
drugs on the market. In return, you will either die as wished or, at the very
least, make enough money to solve all your short-term money problems--in which
case, you might want to re-think the coward's way out.
Big pharma in general is counting on the 'win-win' angle
to build a small bank of special test subjects for controversial new drugs for
everything from treating snake bites to curing hyper-gynecomastia. Note: these
are the drugs that can't be tested on regular subjects due to the high probability
of failure of the drug in the testing phase.
Studies indicate about 90% of people who sign up for test trials on drugs and other medical
procedures are experiencing huge debt problems. In the testing of the most
dangerous of drugs, some people have only two ways out--death, or an
opportunity to make a large amount of cash in a short amount of time, albeit
usually suffering long-lasting side effects such as nervous tics, infertility,
or micropsia (look it up, Alice). That's where big pharma comes in.
These trials are not without controversy. First, there is
the whole death thing. No one wants to admit that people are dying in the wake
of drug testing; however, these tests will allow us to deal with the issue head
on. As one research scientist put it, "we can worry less about who is
dying, and focus more on who is making the drug more marketable by
surviving."
It is expected that at least 63% of all subjects being
used to test the most dangerous drugs will die. Fortunately, their surviving
family members will be offered enough money to cover the funeral costs of the
deceased. As an added bonus, they will receive a large floral arrangement
commemorating their loved ones' heroic deeds in trying to make various
dangerous drugs safer for the potential customers of big pharma.
While some people, especially those who live with
suicidal family members, are extremely upset with this new avenue drug
companies are taking to have their products tested before putting them up for
FDA approval, the majority of those weighing in are hailing it as a way to keep
their suicidal loved ones around for longer periods of time.
Jaundice Morgan, whose mother and brother are both
suicidal, told us, "At least if my brother or mother can be with me a bit
longer while being used as a guinea pig, I'll take whatever time I can get.
Furthermore, who knows? The drugs may not kill them, in which case we could all
be living a pretty sweet life after trial," she said.
Desensitization is already the main core of most
pharmaceutical company ad campaigns. Listen carefully, and there are a whole
host of "maybes" or "probabilities" to go along with your
new addictive drug.
Said Juana DiCease, Marketing Manager of Centralized
Laboratories and Testing, Inc., "Who wants to take the chance of taking a
drug that might kill you when it can be tested on someone else first to see if
it kills them? It all comes down to two things," she said, "survival
of the fittest, and kill or be killed. It's really that simple."
DiCease explained further. "If we test on animals,
we are targeted by PETA and tree huggers. If we test on humans, we are accused
of being inhumane. How else are we going to understand how the drugs work
unless we use them on some living creature? I mean, come on people. Mankind
loves their drugs, but not enough to allow us to kill or maim to get a good
grade pain killer on the market?"
DiCease quantified the decision even further.
"Just so there is no confusion, who we are really
looking to employ as guinea pigs are people who are already hell bent on
self-destruction. If something goes wrong with the test and their wishes are
granted, it is a win-win for them and for us. For us, obviously, because we
learn we have more work to do before putting the drug on the market for
consumption by the general public."
Many are outraged at the wanton way in which big pharma
is going about testing for new drugs, but statistics show that just as many or
more people die after being prescribed new and under-tested drugs on the
market. Just listen to the television ads for the drugs. The disclaimers alone
are enough to make any level-headed person regret ever going to the doctor in
the first place for what ails them.
"Women who are pregnant or nursing should not take
this drug. If you have swollen lips, eyes, mouth, or tongue, or are having
problems breathing, discontinue use and call your doctor immediately. You may
experience sweating, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of consciousness, seizures,
orange hair, purple teeth...just checking to see if you are listening..., or
even death while taking this drug..." The list goes on.
So really, when you think about it, what is there to
lose? Most people would be better off accepting the money to become human
guinea pigs rather than waiting to become ill and needing a controversial new
drug to treat that illness, thus rendering them guinea pigs inadvertently
anyhow. And that is precisely how big pharma sees it.
