Top Ten Medical Questions of 2009

It’s that time of year again when every conceivable list known to man is counted down before the big ball drops and ushers in a new year of question making. We combed the internet for the most common questions asked of the medical community, and here is our unofficial and indefinitive list of the top ten medical questions asked and answered in 2009.

1. Cerebrum and Cerebellum – what’s the difference?

None, they are the same thing, only one is spelled in Latin and the other is spelled in French, like Antecedent and Antebellum.

2. Why do men have nipples?

Good question. We all know why women were given nipples but why men? Well, as the story goes, God had just finished up making Adam and left him nippleless. When God then took one of Adam’s ribs and made Eve, he gave Eve nipples so that she would be able to nourish the children she and Adam would make together. Adam threw a hissy fit; he wanted nipples.

The conversation went something like this:

Adam: Hey, just a cotton-pickin’ minute there God. I notice something a lot different about Eve. She’s got a bigger chest than me and a couple of cool round things in a rosy hue sitting atop them. I want what she has.

God: Pretty cool, huh? I call them nipples.

Adam: I don’t care what you call them, I want some.

God: Would that I could Adam, but I don’t have enough rosy stuff left to give you nipples like Eve’s.

Adam: Then just give me what you got.

And so, Adam got nipples but they were not even close to being as impressive as Eve’s.

3. Why do foods that are bad for us, for instance, sugar, taste so good, and foods that are good for us, like fish oil, taste so bad? Is this a cruel joke?

The short answer is yes, it is a cruel joke. But scientifically speaking, there is a reason for these anomalies, and that reason is if sugar tasted bad, how could we even attempt to make a decent bar of chocolate?

4. How soon before we’ll be able to get our pharmaceuticals directly from drinking tap water instead of having to go to the pharmacy and pay to get them?

As a matter of fact, recent water test results from every major U.S. city show that if every American drank just 2-3 glasses of tap water a day, they would be able to lower their cholesterol, keep their blood pressure within normal limits, maintain an erection for at least 2 hours, and cure their depression. However, drinking any more than the daily allowance could trigger all sorts of abnormalities in the human body. For instance, men could begin to develop breasts from too much estrogen in their drinking water due to an increased consumption of soy products, especially in California.

5. I read somewhere that you can become allergic to a person just as much as you can become allergic to dust mites. Is this true?

While there have been rare cases of people finding it necessary to divorce because they develop ugly rashes while in the presence of their spouses and there are no dust mites to be found, this is rare and most doctors can spot a fake case of hives a mile away. So, if you are thinking of using this as an excuse to get out of a crappy marriage, you’re out of luck, at least from a medical standpoint.

6. What is the Glycemic Index and if someone wrote a book on the Glycemic Index, would the book contain an additional Index or would the entire book be an Index? And if so, what would the book be about?

We do not know.

7. Why does food smell so good when it goes into our bodies but smells so terrible when it comes back out?

This has to do with the molecular bonding of foods. When all food is molecularly bonded before eating, it has to send out an enticing aroma to make the intended ingester want to eat it. However, once that same molecular structure is introduced to saliva, it begins to break down the good-smelling cells in the food, replacing them with bad smells. All the way down the esophagus and into the stomach, saliva is mixing in with the molecular structure of the foods making them more and more stinky, and by the time the food comes out the other end of the spectrum, it is at its smelliest, and there is no way to reconstitute it to its original aroma.

8. Can you get athlete’s foot even after you’ve quit playing sports?

That’s like asking if you can get “tennis elbow” if you don’t play tennis or if someone can really be a “pain in the butt.” The answer is yes.

9. Why do we have hair under our arms but not under our knees?

Because when we perspire, sometimes we do not know whether or not we stink. The simple perspiration smell test involves lifting up your arm and turning your head to the side and catching a whiff of underarm odor. The hair under your arms is there to keep the odor you emit intact until you are able to determine whether or not you need to either shower or apply another coating of anti-perspirant to the area. Since we cannot reach down far enough to smell under our knees, the most practical place to have this odor-trapping hair is under our arms.

10. My nose looks like it belongs on a moose rather than a human. Can it be improved by plastic surgery?

Plastic surgeons, contrary to popular belief by many Hollywood stars and starlets, are not miracle workers; however, you may be able to find one who could at least reduce your nose down from the size of a honker to the size of a snout.

While this list is by no means meant to be exhaustive of all the swell questions we found on the internet about our bodies and the medicines we use to medicate them with, it is the beginning and, hopefully, if we’ve just helped one person understand the reasons behind the more simple bodily functions, we have done our job.