Men's Beachwear

Well, summer is officially in full swing, and forgive me for saying it, but so are the “ahem’s” and the “hoo-boys” of the teabaggin’ gents down at the neighborhood beach. Honestly, the only thing I can figure out is these guys are too cheap to buy a full-length mirror and can only see themselves from the waist up. Check the hair, smashing, check the chest hair, yep, a little grey, but the gold chain I’m wearing makes it look classy. Check the boys down south—don’t have to, I’m sure they’re just fine. A little adjustment here and there and it’s off to embarrass anyone within seeing distance of this winkie showoff.

I’ve seen enough of these guys in my day to be able to actually categorize them. So if you have nothing better to do than to read my rating scale from Pitiful to Oh-My-God, don’t blame me when you start having nightmares from the visuals.

1. Let’s start with the guy in the ill-fitting, faded blue nylon bikini suit that he’s obviously had since puberty. The elastic is no longer stretchy at the legs and you pray to God that you aren’t within eyesight when he finally decides to plop down, spread eagle on that beach chair. He honestly does not have a clue why that ocean breeze feels so darned good.

2. Then, on the other side of the coin is the ultimate Michael Phelps fan. As soon as the new Speedos hit the market, he was one of the first buyers. What he forgot to do was to hit the gym before hitting the swimsuit store. I know lycra and spandex are amazing fabrics, and under normal circumstances they can have quite a slimming effect, but not even those miracle fabrics can hold back the beast called “chubby.”

3. Oh, yes, then there’s the “adjuster” and I’m not talking insurance. The guy who can’t seem to make his gentlemen relax in that “one-size-too-small” suit. He’s constantly fiddling with the contents down there, but never seems to get it right. Think about it. He’d never do this in a boardroom or while out to dinner, but something about being at the beach with other scantily clad people seems to give him the idea that it’s ok to stick his hand halfway down the front of his pants, do a little dance, shake it all about, while simultaneously trying to pick up the hottest chick on the beach.

4. Python man. I’m sorry, I really am, but honestly, there isn’t enough fabric in the world for some guys. I mean, it’s gotta be painful stuffing all that junk in such a little pair of trunks. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was playing keep away with someone’s hackey sack.

5. And last but certainly not least, t-backs and shelling. Need I say more?