Startling Poll Results Indicate Why Romney Can’t Win Women’s Vote

Republicans are doing everything they can to turn the tides on the upcoming election and get women voters to change their minds about Mitt Romney. A recent poll shows it is going to be virtually impossible.

According to results of a recent national poll taken by women ages 30 to 65, over three-quarters of the participants stated they would vote for Barack Obama, not because he’s the best man for the job, but because they have a mad crush on him.

“You could have knocked me over with a feather,” said Barney Frumm, the man in charge of collecting and assimilating the data from the polls. “The President appears to be somewhat of a sex symbol with women in this country, and that could spell doom with a double “D” for Mitt Romney.

What has Republicans stumped is how this could have happened, especially in light of the fact that the poll was taken right after President Obama appeared on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” where he participated in a segment of the show called the slow jam news. Republicans believe good solid Republican women should never have fallen for such a cheap trick.

Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the poll results by saying “What the hell just happened here folks? The President all of a sudden is the most popular guy with the gals? Have you women all gone completely insane? Are you all sluts?”

One of the questions answered in the poll may be the key to just why Barack Obama has come to be known as one of the sexiest Presidents in United States history, trailing John F. Kennedy by mere points.

“It’s not a power thing with these woman,” said Frumm. “From what we can tell, it was the question ‘With whom do you associate Barack Obama more, George Washington, Booker T. Washington, or Barry White?’ The answer was a clear Barry White,” concluded Frumm.

“Actually,” said Frumm, “some of the participants called the President by his nickname ‘Barry’ when asked which political candidate seems to enter their thoughts more often these days.”

When asked if he had any comment on the poll results, Mitt Romney simply broke into a slow rendition of Pat Boone’s “Why Baby Why.”

“That,” says Frumm, “pretty much sums up why Mitt Romney doesn't have  much chance at all of winning a majority of the women's vote in November.”

Oklahoma Woman Arrested for Cooking Hash; Ted Nugent Talks Turkey

Be Vewwy Quiet. I'm huntin' turkeys...

NORMAN, Okla. – A perfect storm of a misread new law on the books, an already stressed-to-the-max police team, and a whole lot of miscommunication sent a Norman, Oklahoma housewife to jail this weekend on charges of cooking hash.

Glaycie Mae Herndon was booked into the Cleveland County Jail Friday night on suspicion of converting marijuana into hashish.

Cleveland County Jail spokesperson, Darcy Wilkins said that Mrs. Herndon was brought in after police responded to a neighbor’s call reporting someone cooking hash and “almost burning the neighborhood down.”

When police arrived, Glaycie Mae was in the kitchen trying to put a fire out on the stove.

“My hash. My turkey hash is a burnin,” cried Glaycie Mae as officers rushed to put out the fire.

“It smelt bad,” said Officer John Dingle, “real bad.  So naturally, when we heard Turkish hash, we automatically arrested Miss Glaycie Mae and took her down to the jail.”

Just this past week, the Oklahoma Senate passed a bill that will send anyone to jail for life if found guilty of converting marijuana to hash. The city has been on high alert ever since, and the police officers involved say they were just doing their job.

“Little did we know Ms. Herdon, who incidentally was a little fried herself, was cooking turkey hash for her family when the whole skillet went up in flames,” said Dingle.

Upon her release from jail, Glaycie Mae was asked to give her side of the story. “I weren’t even using no pot,” she said. “I was using my old iron skillet like I always do.”

Turkeys were all over the news last week.

In a somewhat related news item, Ted Nugent has provided a statement to the press indicating how his meeting with the Secret Service on Thursday went. 

Nugent had been accused of using some rather strong language against President Obama at last weekend’s annual NRA meeting in St. Louis, Missouri, and the Secret Service wanted a chance to ask him about his comments.

Upon leaving the meeting, Nugent had this to say: “It’s all cool--just a big old misunderstanding. When I told my fellow Republicans to ‘ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off' in November, I was talking about a turkey shoot I was planning just before Thanksgiving," said Nugent. 

"It had nothing whatsoever to do with any violence directed toward our political enemies.”

Ann Romney Offered Job as Newest Real Housewife on Bravo

Bravo network has reportedly offered Ann Romney a chance to become the latest real housewife to appear in their wildly popular reality series Real Housewives.

The offer comes on the heels of Mrs. Romney’s tiff with Hilary Rosen regarding what constitutes a working woman. While Ann Romney claims she has worked hard raising five boys as a stay-at-home mom, some women voters believe there is a real disconnect when it comes to Romney understanding just how difficult it is for a majority of moms who work outside the home and raise a family.

“A few of us working moms at Bravo thought what a great idea it would be to give Ann Romney a chance to experience what it is really like to work outside the home,” said Hannah Diverston, one of the people in charge of creating new shows for the reality network.

“The only problem we have now,” said Diverston, “is figuring out which program to showcase Mrs. Romney on this upcoming season.”

Diverston is referring to the fact that the Romneys own several homes around the country, and the mansion they own in La Jolla would qualify Mrs. Romney to join the cast on either The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or The Real Housewives of Orange County.

“La Jolla, California is pretty much right smack dab in the middle of either setting, give or take a few miles,” said Diverston.

“And then there is the election in November,” she added.

“There’s always a chance of Mitt Romney becoming our next President, if he can shore up the much needed women’s vote,” she said with a wink.

“In that case, we were thinking what a great opportunity to breathe life back into the The Real Housewives of DC,” the only show in the The Real Housewives series, says Diverston, that didn’t get renewed for a second season.

Diverston claims that regardless of the outcome of the election in November, Bravo feels fortunate to have someone with as many options as Ann Romney join the series.

“In her case,” said a jubilant Diverston, “I’m sure she’ll create quite a stir no matter what cast she lands on.”