Nano-Chip Brain Implant Allows Users to Instantly Speak Foreign Language

Nano-Second Language

The first-ever nano-chip language translators are rolling off the assembly line and into cosmetic surgeons’ offices quicker than you can say “Se Habla Espanol?” No longer will it be necessary for those wishing to learn a second or even third language to go through the arduous process of weeks and weeks of studying tapes or attending language classes. The product is called “Nano-Second Language” or NSL, and they are expected to sell out within weeks.

The makers of the NSL brain implant first developed the product under a grant by the United States Department of Defense as a solution to the problem servicemen and women were having when being shipped overseas to the Middle East. “No one spoke Arabic which led to some serious misunderstandings between our military and that of the country our servicemen were stationed in,” says Dr. Lewis Lipps, chief engineer on the NSL project. “The NSL Arabic version will immediately resolve that issue and allow certain soldiers to communicate in countries such as Iraq, Afghanistan, even Libya with little to no problem,” said Lipps.

Asked how the nano-chip brain implant works, Lipps explained, “The NSL Arabic version, for instance, has a complete Arabic alphabet and dictionary with over 20,000 common words which are electronically translatable from English literally within nanoseconds. In a simple outpatient procedure, the NSL chip is implanted into the corpus callosum portion of the left side, or the language center, of the brain and activated.”

Dr. Lipps then showed illustrations of the procedure which is done through arthroscopic surgery. “As soon as a soldier thinks out the phrase he wants to say,” he continued, “he pushes a button that is also implanted discretely underneath the skin on the soldier’s upper left side of the head.” Dr. Lipps explained that when the soldier goes to speak, it appears he is tapping his head as if he is thinking of what to say, and voila, his words come out of his mouth in the language he has implanted. In this case, Arabic.

Initial test results indicate a 97.6% success rate on the battlefield and the nano-chip is already being used by many servicemen and women today. Now that the product has been tested and proven to be efficient in Arabic, a Mandarin Chinese model is being tested on businessmen from various industries who find it necessary to communicate in Chinese with their business counterparts in China. The NSL Chinese version should be available to the business world within two to three months.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Charged with Contempt of Court

Dane County Circuit Judge, Maryann Sumi has issued a warrant for the arrest of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. The warrant charges Walker with contempt of court for disregarding Sumi’s order to hold off on publishing Walker’s anti-union bill.

Walker and other legislative leaders tried to circumvent the Judge’s ruling by having a state agency other than the Secretary of State publish the law. Once done, they ordered the law take place immediately and began to change the deductions taken from state workers’ paychecks.

Once Judge Sumi heard about their actions, she had the Wisconsin Attorney General issue a warrant for Walker’s arrest. “I don’t care if he is the [bleeping] governor of this state, he’s going down,” said a visibly angry Sumi.

Upon arrival in Dane County Jail, Walker was fingerprinted and booked under suspicion of directly ignoring a Judge’s order and handed a cold cheese sandwich and a 7-Up. “It’s the least we could do,” claims jailer Jack Nabem. “The poor guy looked so darned hungry.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's Anti-Union Bill Hits NY Times Best Seller List

After a Wisconsin District Judge specifically ruled that Gov. Scott Walker’s Anti-Union Bill could not be published, Scott Walker went ahead and published it anyway. Doing so has garnered the bill some much-needed publicity. In fact, so much so that it is the first Legislative bill to ever make it to #1 on the NY Times Best Seller List.

“Coming up with a catchy title was a problem,” says Walker’s spokesman, Cullen Werwie. “We tossed a few titles around, including Gone with the Entitlements and To Kill an Entitlement but in the end, we went with A Farewell to Collective Bargaining.” Werwie added, “Yes, that is my real name.”

As for Walker, he claims he’s over the moon with the news. “I knew if I hung in there, I’d get some notice,” he said. “It takes commitment, perseverance and plain old chutzpah to get this far and I’ve got all three. Oh, and the #1 spot? Take that Oprah!”