Sarah Palin Demands Reason Why No Invite to Clinton Wedding

In a scene right out of The Real Housewives of New York, Sarah Palin had her bus driver drive her bus (he drove, she and Todd flew via private jet) all the way across country and into the tiny town of Rhinebeck, NY to find out why they weren’t on the guest list of the biggest American wedding this side of the 60’s.

Witnesses claim they saw Palin’s “Going Rogue” bus drive up and down the streets of Rhinebeck in what they could only surmise was an attempt to find out exactly where to turn into the private drive of the Astor Courts Estate. With GPS systems jammed in the area and security extremely tight, anyone not on the guest list was sent on a wild goose chase to try and find the place.

Service Station owner, David Hangaright claims that the bus stopped at his pumps and a frantic Sarah Palin entered his convenience store asking for directions. “I know she wasn’t telling the truth when she asked what was the quickest way to get to the little Clinton shindig that was going on today,” said Hangaright. “I asked to see her invitation and she told me that it was in the bus, and then she huffed away and said she’d find the friggin’ place herself.”

Unable to find their way to the wedding, the Palins left a gift for the young couple at a local Denny’s as a gesture of good will. It appeared to be several autographed copies of Palin’s books.

Meanwhile, Tareq and Michaele Salahi were caught trying to crash the wedding as well. The Salahis are said to have gotten past the first gate, but security guards at the final entrance to the estate became suspicious as Michaele and Tareq tried to explain why Michaele was wearing an exact replica of Chelsea Clinton’s wedding dress. “Oh that,” said Michaele, “wherever we go, we try and blend in.”

Glenn Beck University Institutes Dress Code

Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University.

Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American History, Economics and the Constitution, and does so under the guise of calling his courses Faith, Hope and Charity. It is, for Beck, a noble cause. He is single-handedly teaching the “truth” to anyone who will listen.

But before you click on that enrollment button, there is something you need to know. There is a dress code. Even though it is an online course, and you “think” you are free to roam around your room, buck-ass naked if you like while learning what Abraham Lincoln truly thought, or that civil rights and the tax laws are really unconstitutional, think again. Glenn Beck believes you must dress properly to learn properly, to get the most out of his “college” courses.

Men must sit in front of their computers in a full suit and tie, socks and shoes. No pajamas, no Calvin Klein skivvies and no sandals or slippers.

Women must show up in front of their computer screens in dresses or blouses and skirts, nylons or pantyhose and pumps.  Skirt length should be at or below the knee, no exceptions. Women may not wear their teddies from the night before or worse, show up for Beck’s classes in the nude. It simply is unacceptable. Beck claims that the look you should go for is that of your mother, who stayed home and took care of the house and kids. An everyday house dress will suffice if you don’t have anything nicer.

You may have no piercings, anywhere. You don’t need those things to learn. No earrings, no nipple rings, face studs, belly rings, etc. Don’t think you can keep your mouth closed in order to conceal your tongue stud either. Beck will give preliminary checks and have you show the inside of your mouth. If you have a tattoo, you may be asked to have it removed or you may simply not be allowed to attend classes at Glenn Beck University.

Haircuts are also discussed in the dress code section of the site. Men should have their hair cut military-style. If you don’t know what that is, you may copy Glenn’s own look.

Women, you may wear your hair bouffant-style as it is most attractive when you take off your glasses and let your hair down during study sessions. But aside from that, you are not allowed any extreme cuts such as the Kate Gosselin reverse mullet.

As Beck often says, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” so you will shower before every online session and wash your hands during breaks.

Glenn Beck is hoping that this dress code will lead to exemplary conduct and a 100% pass of all students. You may go to his site to request a copy of these guidelines.

6-Year Old Somalian Girl Given Permission to Sail Solo Around the World

A six-year old Somalian girl has been given permission by the Somalian government to sail solo around the world in a 46-foot yacht commandeered by her father in a pirate raid off the coast of Somali earlier this year. The father/ daughter pair have been training for this solo adventure since March.

When Abdul Omar Khalid got word that American 16-year old Abby Sunderland was setting out early in 2010 to sail solo around the world, he became enraged. He wondered why it always had to be someone from a developed country who got all the fame and glory. He knew it was only a matter of time before some other teenage girl would try the same trip and he knew he had to act fast.

Although, he was planning on having his daughter wait until January of next year to begin her trip when she’d then be 7 years old, news about a French 16-year old girl setting sail within two weeks pushed him to pick up the pace and put his daughter to the task a bit ahead of schedule.

Although Khalid has several sons who are older than his 6-year old daughter, Awa, he believes that his young daughter is his only chance to make a real name for himself, so he set about the task of pirating a luxury yacht and using it to train little Awa on.

Awa is set to take off from the coast of Somalia on Saturday and if all goes well, she will have circumnavigated the globe in record time. “By this time next year,” said Khalid, “the name Khalid will be a household name the world over.”