Vortexes in Sedona, Arizona Disappearing at Alarming Rate

Sedona, Arizona - Sedona, Arizona, once known world-wide as a Mecca for those looking for metaphysical experiences due to the unusually large amount of vortices (vortexes) located there, is seeing a string of unhappy visitors leave the various sites of Bell Rock, Cathedral Rock and Boynton Canyon totally dispirited and angry.

In the past few days, many seekers of peace and harmony who had planned on experiencing the powers of these spiritual wellsprings have gone away saddened and disappointed. "I came here several months ago to visit Bell Rock and left with such a peaceful feeling throughout my entire body," claimed Shanna Eyeful, a practicing New Age therapist. "This time, there was something horribly wrong. Instead of peaceful and harmonious feelings, I came away feeling as if I could physically strangle the hell out of someone. Sorry about the language, but I've been swearing like this ever since I left Bell Rock."

Others have experienced similar phenomena. "The whole energy surrounding this once highly spiritual area has shifted and now it seems to be scaring folks instead of nurturing them," says Horace "Astro" Scopes, leader of Sedona's 'Screaming Orange Jeep Tours". "I've been asked to refund so many of my customers' tour fees that I may now be forced to sell off one of two of my Jeeps just to pay the lease on my Hummer."

Resorts across the area are witnessing a high volume of cancellations as word spreads across the New Age community. "The only reservations we're seeing around here are of the Native American kind," said one resort owner. "What was I thinking by supporting that asinine anti-immigration Bill?

Many Arizonans are clueless. In addition, they don't know why this is happening now. Native Americans in the region believe that the spirits that dwell in the vortices have decided that until people can act like true spiritual beings toward their fellow man, they are no longer interested in trying to help them attain a more heightened sense of being. As one Hopi elder put it, "the spirits tried, and some genuinely came to listen and to learn, but the majority of those living in this most mystical land have chosen money, greed and ridiculously-colored Jeeps over more important spiritual things, and they will now know the consequences."

Native Americans in Arizona Vow to Deport All Non-Native Americans

Navajo Nation – The Navajo, Hopi, all Apache Nations and all other Native Americans who presently reside in Arizona have joined forces in an effort to show the haughty Arizona residents just exactly who has every right to be in that State.

Said Chief Standing Wolf, “it is not those of European decent who should be making the laws of this state, but we, the tribal people, who have been suppressed for too long. Our ancestors have been here for thousands of centuries, while the white man only came a few hundred years ago. Yet, it is the white man who wants to make ridiculous laws and keep everything lily white. We can no longer stand by and let this happen.”

Short of declaring war on the Arizona government, Chief Standing Wolf instead issued a warning “reverse your laws entitling only English-speaking people to inhabit Arizona. Only then will we back down and allow peace to again grace Arizona, but if you deny our fellow red and brown men their rightful place in this state, there will be bloodshed.”

President Barack Obama Detained at Phoenix Airport

Phoenix, AZ – President Barack Obama was detained for a brief period yesterday at the Phoenix, AZ Airport by TSA officials while police determined whether or not to arrest him for not having proper identification with him at the time he touched down in their state. President Obama was in Phoenix to speak at a fundraiser for Democratic candidates willing to take on the Republicans in this year’s Senate race.

Said a police spokesperson, “We, the people of Arizona, have reason to believe that Mr. Obama may not, in fact, be a natural-born United States citizen, and until he can prove otherwise, we have no other option under the new legislation passed but to detain anyone who cannot prove their citizenship.”

Meanwhile, not even this latest episode could ruffle the feathers of this country’s most genteel leader. “While I understand why I am being detained, I cannot stress enough the enormity of the situation when one of our states takes it upon themselves to determine the legality of every citizen in our country who passes their borders. This may just be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I will reserve my criticism for the time being. But make no mistake when I say that Wall Street will feel my wrath upon my return to Washington.”

President Obama was eventually told he could leave the state, but only after posting bail and agreeing to return for a court date sometime in the near future, hopefully with a certified copy of his Hawaiian birth certificate in hand.

Meanwhile, Wall Street traders were betting heavily that the continued furor over illegal immigration will eventually provide enough of a smoke screen so that they will be allowed to continue business as usual as President Obama is forced switch gears once again to fight for his political life over questions of his citizenship.