Gay “Gotcha” Moments in the Media Make for Interesting Conversation

From Jerry Sandusky’s attorney to Westboro Baptist Churchgoers, it seems just about every high profile person in the media these days is tasting the bitterness of one’s own foot in one’s own mouth when it comes to gay-related issues.

Take Sandusky’s attorney, Joseph Amendola who, when asked if he believed his client was innocent, told the crowd that anyone who believes his client is guilty should call 1-800-REALITY. For just a second or two, the attorney obviously thought he had come up with a very clever “Johnny Cochran” response, but quickly found out he wasn’t so clever after all. 1-800-REALITY just happens to be the number to a gay sex hotline. Talk about your serendipitous moments.

Then there is the Westboro Baptist Church member who showed up at a protest wearing a Glee t-shirt. As most everyone knows by now, Westboro Baptist Church’s founder is notoriously anti-gay and his congregation is best known for protests at U.S. servicemembers’ funerals.

The girl wearing the Glee t-shirt claims she was not aware of that particular show and how it was extremely gay-friendly. She claimed her sister handed her the t-shirt to wear just before she headed out to the protests.

Indeed. Perhaps there are a few things about her sister the churchgoer should have known before trusting her with a wardrobe suggestion.

And finally, the exchange that recently took place between an openly gay Vietnam veteran and GOP candidate Mitt Romney. Without revealing that he was homosexual, Bob Garon, a gay military veteran asked Mitt Romney straight up if, as President, he would repeal New Hampshire’s same-sex marriage law.

Romney, obviously not knowing Garon was gay, didn’t hesitate when he answered that he believed marriage was strictly between a man and a woman and that he would repeal the law if elected President. Romney then went on to speak for the founding fathers when he told Garon that he was sure the Constitution defined marriage as only between a man and a woman, to which Garon told Romney it was good to know that he (Romney) didn’t believe in everyone’s constitutional rights.

Mr. Garon, perhaps you should make a visit to Newt Gingrich next. Seems he could use some comeuppance as well.

Prisons Change to Blue Flannel Jumpsuits; Shankings Down

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months. 

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. When he first told us his idea, we all laughed in his face, but now, we thank him every day for his courage to speak up.”

Morgan, is, of course, referring to the change in dress code for the dangerous prisoners who call San Quentin home. “We got rid of the orange cotton jumpsuits and replaced them with blue flannel ones,” said Morgan. “Who knew a simple change in fabric could have such amazing results.”

Perkins was asked how he came up with such an odd idea.

“Well, as long as we keep this from the prisoners, I’ll tell you just how this idea came about,” said Perkins. “I was at home a few months ago and for some reason I just could not get warm. I was in a foul mood, barking at my wife and kids and just behaving badly in general. My wife brought me her blue Snuggie that she got for Christmas last year and told me to put my arms in it, wrap it around myself and see if that would warm me up.”

Perkins said he felt foolish, but was ready to try anything. As soon as he put on the Snuggie, Perkins claims he was transformed into a cuddly teddy bear. “I thought to myself, if this can calm me down, why not those prisoners,” and that is when he decided to make the suggestion. He bought a Snuggie for his supervisor, and the rest is history.

“Flannel has a very calming effect,” claims prison psychologist Rose Almandone. “And the color blue is just so much more calming than orange. We have a new saying here at the prison now, if you’re blue, you’re happy.”

The program is so successful that San Quentin is quickly becoming a model prison and other high-risk prisons are looking to change their prison wear lines as well. “We may even, at some point, replace the sneakers given prisoners with fleece-lined slippers, that is, if we can find it in the budget,” said Sam “the Slam” Watkins, Commissioner of California’s prison system.

Bigfoot in Gated Community Violates HOA Rules

The joke starts out “How do you get rid of a 700 pound Bigfoot?” Of course, the answer is obvious, “You complain to the president of the HOA.” That is pretty much what happened in real life at the Sunny Acres Waterside Condos in Orlando, Florida.

A story in the Orlando Sentinel has everyone on the east side of Orlando looking twice out their patio doors this week as there have been several alleged bigfoot sightings at Sunny Acres. The community’s HOA has been put on high alert. The sightings are all emanating from one residence, that of Harry Peterson, a Korean War veteran, who has lived at Sunny Acres for almost a decade. Peterson claims he doesn’t know what the hubbub is all about.

“I live at the danged place and I haven’t seen anything suspicious,” claims Harry, who was preparing to put a dish of diced sirloin on the patio for the stray cat he claims has been hanging around lately.

 “That ain’t no cat Harry’s feeding,” said neighbor Gladys Kravitz, who is one of the residents who swears she has seen the bigfoot, or skunk ape as many in Florida refer to such creatures. Gladys and several of the neighbors she’s told the story to have banded together and complained to the HOA about Harry harboring a bigfoot.

“While I can’t find it specifically within the pages of the Declaration,” said Gladys, “I’m sure something like this is completely against the rules,” she said as she was readying herself to meet some neighbors for karaoke night at the clubhouse.

Meanwhile, Harry says he will fight the HOA on the issue. “I got a letter demanding I get rid of the skunk ape within ten days or I am going to face fines and possible eviction from the community. How the hell can I get rid of an imaginary creature?” he asked.

Harry says he hasn’t heard of anything as ridiculous as this since his pal, Sol Weinstein, faced heavy fines last year for painting his front door red and refusing to remove a peace sign bumper sticker from his Prius. “At some point in time, you have to ask yourself if you really care that your neighbor is parking his RV alongside his home.”