President Obama to Host GOP Presidential Debate as Christmas Gift from Michelle

Mr. Gingrich, Newt if I may, aren't you the slightest bit happy
that I took on the credit card industry? I mean, I must have
saved you a bundle on your Tiffany's account alone...

Everyone these days, from Fox News to Donald Trump, is jumping on the bandwagon and having a go at hosting a GOP Presidential Debate. The topics so far have covered foreign affairs, domestic policy, and, of course, lesser topics such as the scandal du jour. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that you can’t turn on your television anymore without watching the candidates re-hash old issues while re-bashing each other’s track records.

While most of the debates have been hosted by bona fide political organizations and news channels, the latest news that Donald Trump is hosting his own debate, to which only two candidates have agreed to participate, leads one to wonder who the heck could trump a Trump Debate?

Well wonder no more. As a special Christmas gift to her fabulously wonderful husband (her words), Michelle Obama has pulled some strings and has arranged for Barack Obama to moderate his own GOP Presidential Debate. Dubbed “The King of the Hill Debate,” Michelle says she has pulled out all the stops to make this one of the most memorable GOP Debates of the election year.

“Barack has pretty much let a lot of stuff roll off his back,” said Michelle in announcing the debate gift during a women’s luncheon meeting. “But I was kind of getting tired of his pillow talk…Newt Gingrich this, Herman Cain that, Rick Perry is an idiot…you know, it kind of grates on you after a while, so I decided to give my hubby the chance to show his superiority outright in front of cameras and hopefully put an end to all this nonsense.”

Michelle Obama also says one of the main reasons she decided to make this debate happen is the fact that no real answers to real questions have been given in any of the debates so far. She believes her husband can break the cycle of self-serving question and answer sessions and get down to the real issues. While the questions have not yet been released to the press, it has been leaked that the President is really looking forward to putting the GOP candidates on the hot seat.

“Michelle could not have given me a greater gift if she tried,” said Obama at a recent fundraiser. “According to the rules made up by Michelle, I’m allowed to ask them anything I want, including who is the President of Kazakhstan, how to actually spell Kazakhstan, and make them point to it on a map of the world. This is going to be so great.” Obama also says he’s hoping to get to the bottom of the birther thing once and for all.

“While I am fully aware of what these folks are saying behind my back, don’t you think it will be a hoot to see them squirm when asked a direct question? I am going to grill them like kielbasa at a tailgater,” said the President with a smile.

So far, only one candidate has agreed to participate in Obama’s debate. Newt Gingrich, who claims he simply cannot afford to sit even this one out said, “I am the frontrunner now. I have to prove I can go up against even myself in this debate to keep the momentum going. And, he added, “I just wish Rick Perry would agree to show up as well. All he has to do is stand there and I look like the million dollar candidate.”

An Off-Color Christmas Album-Hit #1: I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

I'm Rolling My Balls in Sugar

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift

I soak them in a bit of rum
And dry them overnight
Then roll in sugar and coconut
To make them taste just right.


I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift.


My balls are always the right size
To pop right in your mouth
Just make sure you don't eat them all
Or you could end up soused.

I'm rolling my balls in sugar
The perfect Christmas gift
To send to all my lovely friends
It gives them quite a lift.

If you don't like my Christmas balls
There's no ifs, ands, or buts
I've got another treat for you....
A great big sack of nuts.

Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak Reveals Herman Cain Was ‘Big Poppa’

Newlywed, Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame dropped a bombshell yesterday by revealing that the man who paid for her lavish lifestyle in Atlanta was none other than Herman Cain.

“I had everyone wondering who Big Poppa was for the longest time,” said Zolciak. “I just didn’t know how to handle telling the world that Mr. Godfather Pizza was my sugar daddy, so I lied and let everyone believe it was Lee Najjar.”

Kim says people need to know something about her, that she’s not as dumb as she appears. “As soon as Big Poppa (aka Cain) told me he was interested in running for President of the United States, I decided to get myself out of that deal and quick. Hell,” she said, “he could never afford me on a President’s salary.”

As for Najjar, who made his money in real estate, Zolciak said she couldn’t believe people fell for that lie either. “I knew the real estate market would eventually go bust. I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d have fallen for Lee as a sugar daddy. I’d be broke as a church mouse right about now,” she said.

Zolciak says the only way to go these days is to latch onto someone in the entertainment business or in sports. “That’s where the money is. I chose Kroy (Biermann) because I knew the NFL strike wouldn’t last. I’m just so psychic when it comes to finding the right sugar daddy.”

Friends close to Kim agree. They say that Kim has a sixth sense when it comes to getting out of a relationship just when the going gets tough and finding someone to pick up where the other left off, so that her shopping habits never have to suffer. “She just knows when the well is about to run dry,” said Mitzi Moynihan, a close personal friend of Kim’s. Moynihan also let slip that Kim asked for and received one last gift from Cain before telling him to hit the road. "He paid for Kim's entire wedding to Kroy."

Meanwhile, in response to Zolciak’s statement, Herman Cain totally denied the allegations. “I don’t even watch that show,” said the now defunct Presidential candidate