Lady Gaga May be Getting Married or Not

From the Whogivesaflip Newsroom:

In a surprise turn of events, Lady Gaga today denied rumors that she was getting married, but hinted that she probably would get married. Those close to her say that she is contradicting herself as a way to throw off the scent of any paparazzi sniffing around.

Gaga admitted on the Graham Norton Show that she was not dating anyone because she was too busy, but further admitted that she was in a monogamous relationship with Canadian, Luc Carl, at some time. She said the relationship may even be ongoing, but she doesn’t know for sure.

“I am so busy, I don’t know which end is up,” says Gaga. “One minute I’m writing a song and the next minute, I’m singing that same song. It’s got nothing to do with love sometimes.”

Gaga told Norton that she wears a wedding dress on stage to scare away potential suitors. “God, all I need is another boyfriend,” she said. “Not that I ever had one, but if I did have one, I don’t anymore.”

Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High

For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those hurdles in a speech he gave recently at a private fundraiser in Provo, Utah.

“I am willing to admit to all of you sitting here today that I am not without sin,” Gingrich began as he tried to explain his past marital indiscretions. “Yes, I’ve cheated many times on the many women in my life, and maybe it does look bad to some.”

But Gingrich adduced that if it weren’t for a certain someone setting the bar just a tad too high for anyone of normal moral compass, let alone himself, he would be sitting a bit prettier in the hot tub of presidential hopefuls right now.

For instance, Gingrich maintains he had no choice but to use the excuse, “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” because Obama was there, all the way, mocking him with his (Obama’s) perfect fidelity track record.

Believe me,” Gingrich complained, “I’ve spent some serious money trying to get the goods on Barack Obama but unfortunately, he’s the real deal when it comes to marital fidelity, and that just doesn’t bode well for me overall.”

Gingrich went on to say that the other major hurdle he faces in running against Obama is the money thing. “I don’t know how that man does it, but he can get common, ordinary working-class people to dig deep into their pockets for him,” said Gingrich. “Me, I have to depend on the folks at the top, and getting them to turn loose of a buck isn’t the easiest thing to do."

Gingrich claims this alone has required him to do things he’s not particularly proud of, referring back to the first part of his speech.

The only thing Gingrich says he may have going for him [thank the Lord] is his third wife, Callista, who got him to convert to Catholicism. “From what I’ve witnessed so far, those Catholics don’t mess around when it comes to infidelity—at least between a man and a woman, he joked--which is what I desperately need to keep me on the straight and narrow for the next couple of years until I get this ‘President’ thing out of my system.”

“Plus,” he said, “with all the talk running the rumor mills that Obama is a Muslim,” said Gingrich, “a good old-fashioned religious man persona may be just the ticket to getting me elected.”

Still, Gingrich claims he’s up for the challenge and, off the record, told the group that he just hopes his “lust for life” doesn’t derail him yet another time.

Almost 20 Tons of Unwanted Drugs Turned in to DEA

For a second year, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them.

Unfortunately, just like last year, the prescription medications showing up at the collection sites are just harmless, out-of-date, non-narcotic formulas, dropped off by concerned senior citizens happy to help their government out.

Myrtle Jenkins, 86, of Providence, Rhode Island showed up to one site with a whole bag of prescription-strength anti-diarrheal, eye wash, and skin rash products, some dating all the way back to 1997. “Now that I have Medicare,” she said, “I can afford the good stuff. You know, the stuff that makes you feel a little funny. This crap doesn’t do a thing for me.”

Several others who showed up had the same comments. Seniors from all over were giving up their crap and bragging that the good stuff is still locked up in their medicine cabinets.

One DEA agent confirmed that indeed, all the surrendered drugs weren’t worth a dime and he wasn’t really sure who came up with the whole drug take-back initiative. “Guns, yeah, I can see. They’re dangerous and we need to get them off the streets. But prescription-strength, 10-year old calamine lotion with a mild analgesic? Christ, I could be back home watching the Red Sox right now getting hammered and have more fun than this.”

Officer Stan “Woody” Perkins agreed. “We got all excited when a little guy came up to us with a bag full of what looked to be little blue pills. We thought we’d hit the mother lode,” said Perkins. When we inspected further, however, it just turned out to be a bagful of out-dated, generic beta blockers.” Perkins says that’s when they decided to pack it in and call it a day. “Who needs this crap?” he said.

When reminded that the whole idea behind drug take-back initiatives was the safe disposal of unwanted drugs, Perkins said he understood, but at the same time said the whole program, in his mind, was a waste of taxpayers’ money.

Asked what the law enforcement officers did with all the pills they collected in this last round up, Perkins said that he and another officer drew the short straws and they got “dumping duty,” meaning they had to collect all the bags and make a run to the local landfill. “So much for helping out Ma Nature,” he said, “unless she’s got a bad case of the runs.”

Perkins says the worst part of all of this is that he volunteered for the job. “You better believe I’m gonna ask for my old job back after this. When asked what that was, Perkins answered “I went on search and destroy missions to various large pot farms. The worst part about that job was not having enough doughnuts and coffee for everyone once we lit that bonfire.”