Popular Food Network Hosts Arrested

New York, NY – The set of the Food Network’s annual “Ho-Ho-Home for the Holidays Christmas Spectacular” looked like a war zone Thursday with eggs, flour, heavy whipping cream and blood spattered everywhere. New York’s finest were called to the set after several attempts by the camera crew to get the hosts of the show to simmer down were met with more violence.

Several popular hosts of the Food Network were asked to come into the kitchens and cook up their favorite holiday dishes for the show. Among the hosts were Guy Fooleri of “Dinners, Drippins and Deepfryers” fame, Anthony “Tony” Bourbon of the hit show “Free Meal,” Paula Deepsouth, host of several southern cooking shows on the channel, the unnaturally perky, Rachel Sunshine, host of her own cooking shows as well as a syndicated talk show, and of course, “Man Eats Himself to Death” favorite, Adam Portman.

One cameraman, who was focused on Guy Fooleri at the grill making his famous double slider corn dog hash browns on toast with roasted chipotle salsa, told us “I’m filming Guy, when all of a sudden, up comes Tony Bourbon with the biggest rubber spatula I ever saw and whacks Guy upside the head yelling ‘You stupid son-of a freakin’ Fry Daddy. It’s a fu*king Christmas show for chrissake. Cook some fu*king sugar plums or something!’ That scared the living crap out of Guy, who then swung around with his own king-size spatula and hit Bourbon right in the mouth. The two ended up rolling on the floor right next to where Paula Deepsouth was getting ready to plate her special holiday dish.”

Another crew member ran over to Deepsouth, trying to push her from in front of the camera and away from the brawling cooks. “Oh mah good sweet dear Lord of Mercy, I swear those nawthern boys are gonna be the death of me. They done ruint mah glorious double banana and rhubarb upside-down loaded stuffed French toast for the last tahm, ” she said with her usual southern aplomb while trying to stay within the view of the camera, and without missing a beat, picked up a bowl of ice cold whipping cream and threw it on top of the both of them to cool them off. Bourbon swore he was gonna kick some southern butt next. “Sweet Paula’s gonna get a taste of a New Jersey knuckle sandwich for her Christmas meal,” yelled Bourbon.

The fight escalating, Rachel Sunshine dialed 911, but couldn’t convince the operator it was a true emergency until Sunshine yelled, “they’re beating the crap out of each other! How cool is that?” The operator asked Sunshine to stay on the line until officers arrived and while waiting, asked for a simple dish she (the operator) could make for her family the night before Christmas in about 30 minutes.

By the time the police arrived, the kitchen was in shambles and Tony Bourbon was furiously trying to get maraschino cherry juice stains off his $3,000 Tony Lama leather boots, muttering under his breath about the dumbasses that call themselves cooks on the show. “Cherry juice, for chrissakes, the stupid dumbass cooks on the show are using fake fu*king cherries, and the fu*king juice has to land on my leather boots. Someone’s gonna pay.”

As Bourbon and Fooleri were led away in handcuffs, Portman offered to clean up and was last seen licking the remnants of the whipped cream and cherries off the floor within the few minutes remaining, while Bourbon’s lovely pork belly pomegranate holiday soufflé continued to bake in a 400 degree slightly moist oven.

Sarah’s Greyhound Really a Gulfstream (jet, that is)

Let’s refocus here, people. Just because a couple of wingnuts crashed a party in Washington, and some athlete, who shall remain nameless, crashed his pretty car and admitted to a few indiscretions; or, just because our President kinda let us think he was gonna do something really brave and order the withdrawal of troops from an unwinnable war but instead decided, what the hell, let’s give it one more go on the taxpayer’s dime. Let’s not lose sight of the really important news that went from front page to page 9 a little too quickly--Sarah Palin’s bogus bus tour.

Oh yeah, there’s a bus alright and sure enough, it’s got her larger-than-life picture plastered on the sides, and it is parked outside each venue she visits to sign that humdinger of a book everyone is jonesing to have in their library. I’m sorry, did I say everyone? Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement. But there is a book tour and there is a book and there is a bus with one lonely-ass bus driver, and now, there’s a jet. No wait, there is more than one jet. There are a couple of jets that just happen to be in the towns where Palin is signing her books and from which she and her entourage disembark and are whisked back upon that fancy trailer away from home and driven the couple miles or so to the next signing.

In case you haven’t heard, one of the jets she flew into Asheville, NC for her Sunday-go-to-prayer-and-political-strategy-meetin’ with the Reverend Billy Graham and his son, Franklin Graham, is owned by none other than the organization known as Samaritan’s Purse. Who, you ask? Oh, that would be one of the charitable organizations owned by the Graham family. That organization actually owns 4 planes and one of them just happens to be a Beech 300 with the N-Number N262SP. Yep, the one that got Sarah to dinner on time in Asheville.

Now, the reason we mentioned this is, do the good folks who are giving their money to this charitable organization know that their dollars are being spent to fly the Palin party in style? Straight from the Samaritan’s Purse web page that discusses Financial Accountability, we find this:

“Because the Lord supplies us with resources for ministry through individual contributions, we recognize our accountability both to Him and to our donors. We have a responsibility to be faithful stewards and to maintain integrity and openness in our financial practices. Therefore, we are committed to fulfilling the following standards…Our fund-raising appeals clearly identify the purpose and programs to which donations will be applied, and we ensure that donations are used for the purposes for which they were raised…Occasionally, we receive more contributions for a given project than can be wisely applied to that project. When that happens, we use these funds to meet a similar pressing need. Our policy is to meet the needs God lays before us, so that Christ is lifted up and the Gospel advanced.”

Can we assume that some project received way more money than necessary and it was deemed that the funds were used on the pressing need of not only lifting Christ up, but also lifting Ms. Palin and her entourage up to and from dinner at the Graham abode, because without her presence, the Gospel could not be as advanced as they would like? But if the Graham family doesn’t have a problem with accountability, why then did Franklin Graham have the flight activity for the plane blocked in the FAA records? Hmm? I’m gonna give credit where credit is due on this one. A reader of the Celtic Diva’s Blue Oasis Blog out of Alaska found the jet information after viewing a video of Palin touching down in Asheville, NC. If you go to that website, you’ll see the video and his comments.

Oh, one other thought. If Ms. Palin thought it was too extravagant to have a private jet while Governor of Alaska (remember, she made one heck of a scene out of how she was selling that darned awful jet on E-bay so that she wouldn’t look like a spendthrift), what, pray tell, changed her mind this time around? Is all that attention and fame going to her head as it would many? Nothing to be ashamed of, but at some point in time, she’s gonna have to change her “down-to-earth, homespun” façade to catch up to the new, improved hoity-toity Sarah Palin who thinks it’s ok to leave approximately 300 book buyers, who stood out in the cold for as long as 7 hours in Noblesville, Indiana, high and dry because she just couldn’t sign any more books. It ain’t no big deal, right? To her defense, she did apologize…a day later after the damage had been done. You never disappoint, Sarah.

Michaele Salahi and Ann Coulter are Sisters

A junior reporter for the bi-monthly socialite newspaper, Washington Society News, while doing research on the backgrounds of Michaele and Tareq Salahi, has uncovered a most interesting fact. Michaele Salahi and syndicated columnist Ann Coulter may be sisters. Born Michelle Ann Holt, it is believed that Michaele and Ann may share the same mother.

While Ann Coulter is vehemently denying this rumor saying that everyone should know that no sister of hers would ever want to rub elbows with a bunch of Democrats, Michaele and Tareq are happy to finally have this news out in the open. “Ok, you got us again,” said Michaele. “We just can’t keep anything a secret can we?”

Once the information was leaked, it is reported that the Salahis contacted Ann Coulter, offering to go away quietly if she would pay them a six figure amount. “Look, we’ve been shopping our White House story all around town and it can’t last forever. We need to think of our futures and although blood is thicker than money, we just can’t pass up these opportunities when they present themselves,” said Tareq.

Asked if they have proof of the fact that Ann is Michaele’s sister, Michaele began digging in her purse telling the reporter, “yeah, I have a birth certificate right here,” but couldn’t seem to produce it.

Meanwhile, officials at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom have denied rumors that Michaele and Taraq posed as guests of honor, Minnie and Mickey Mouse, two weeks ago during Walt Disney’s Parade of Dreams, but an unidentified employee confirms that they, in fact, did pull a fast one at Disney and when discovered, were quickly escorted out of the Magic Kingdom.