Rick Santorum Concedes Snooki Pregnancy Good Argument for Contraceptives

I'm glad you thought of the hot tub, Mike. I can't believe
I've gone through all my free condoms already.

Snooki, of Jersey Shore fame, has admitted to being pregnant with her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, as the father. Shore roommate, Mike “The Situation” is, however, causing quite a stir with news that the baby may be his, sending shockwaves through America, or at least the America that is trying to watch something more sophisticated than the GOP race.

Speaking of which, even GOP hopeful Rick Santorum is weighing in on the matter. While speaking at a rally in Topeka, Kansas today, Santorum had this to say. “Folks, you know I am 100% against anyone having sex and bearing a child out of wedlock. Today I heard the news that Snooki is pregnant and I said to my wife ‘I told you the water in the hot tub wasn’t hot enough to kill sperm.’”

Santorum then went on to say, “Believe me, folks, before I heard this news, I was 1000% percent sure that contraceptives were the handiwork of the devil, but I’m now seriously backing down from that stance.”

“In fact,” he said, “had I known that Snookie and Jianni, or the Situation, or whomever was hooking up on that fateful night in the hot tub, I would have personally gone out and purchased a pack of Trojans and delivered them myself to Seaside Heights, so that this act wouldn’t have resulted in an illegitimate child coming into the world bearing a name like ‘ShortnTan.’”

When asked for comment on Rick Santorum’s remarks regarding her pregnancy, Snooki replied “Who the hell is Rick Santorum? Is he that Sicilian who tried to hook up wit’ me at the Beachcomber last summer?”

Internet Site Reports Large Purchases in Romney and Santorum Campaigns

Santorum camp has spent so far in excess of $7000 for barf bags; Romney camp over $8000 for duct tape.

News of Cheap, Effective Contraceptive has Women Applauding Santorum Supporter

The news out of Michigan this morning is that not all women in America are angry at Santorum financial backer, Foster Friess for stating that a safe and effective form of birth control for women is a simple aspirin placed between the knees.

Women were lined up at pharmacies around the country buying up every aspirin tablet they could get their hands on and pharmacists were inundated with questions such as “Will BC Powder work just as effectively if I sprinkle some between my…uhm, legs?” and “What if all I can find is baby aspirin? Will that work as effectively, and if so, do I need to use three at a time?”

The most asked question of all, however, was “Ok, so if we are squeezing an aspiring between our knees, how exactly can we have sex without the aspirin dropping on the bed?”

“Not all of us think Mr. Friess is an unfeeling clod when it comes to women’s reproductive rights,” said Blossom Tennenbaum, who had been standing in line at her local Walmart Pharmacy for an hour trying to get a raincheck for plain aspirin.

“I can’t speak for all women,” she said, “But for me, this sure beats the hell out of having to remember to take a pill every day.”

In a related story, one major aspirin manufacturer is contemplating changing the name of one of its best-selling products from “Baby Aspirin” to Non-Baby Aspirin,” to cut down on the confusion created by Friess’ suggestion.

Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign.

“But he lies…a lot,” said Voeticki, “and quite frankly, his lies are affecting all of us.”

Voeticki says that since Santorum decided to get in Newt’s corner and go after Romney together, the volunteers have had to stay up late at night just trying to keep a step ahead of the media so that their boss’ name doesn’t get dragged through the dirt just by association.

Mary McCurtney, 37, a Santorum volunteer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, agrees. “When we first started this campaign last year, I had gorgeous auburn hair. I’m now having to get henna treatments every 3 months or so to hide the gray. I’m seriously considering hanging up my volunteer slippers and saying the heck with it. I didn’t sign on for this crap.”

“Hell, we shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place,” said Voeticki. “It’s just that most of us were too young to remember Gingrich’s shady dealings as House Speaker back in the 90’s, and well, let’s face it, Newt is such a smooth talker. He had us at hello.”

But now, the youthful campaign workers are aging fast and are asking their leader to allow them to cut ties with the Gingrich camp. “If for no other reason,” said Voeticki, “the cost of vitamin supplements alone is putting a serious dent in our campaign coffers.”