Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Rule Earth

Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.”

When Scarem asked Satan what he was talking about, Satan explained “I just got finished going over the book of judgments and damned if someone didn’t remember to put a checkmark next to Adolph Hitler’s name after we gave him the 666 tattoo. The mistakes kept being made. A tattoo was given, the mark was set, but no checkmark was put next to the name. As best I can ascertain, we’ve given the tattoo now to about five people that we can positively identify, those being Hitler, of course, Charles Manson, Dick Cheney, Pol Pot and Pauly Shore,” he said, explaining that he wasn’t even sure why Pauly Shore was on the list but it can’t be taken back once it’s declared.

While Pol Pot and Hitler are dead, that still leaves Manson, Cheney and Shore to watch out for. But the bad news is that there may be at least three more people on the short list who were accidentally given the tattoo and sent to Earth as Anti-Christs. Satan was asked if Kim Jong Il may have been one of the other three and although he couldn’t confirm it, he certainly didn’t deny it either. “Let’s just say that Kim meets all the requirements of being an Anti-Christ, so I wouldn’t rule him out.”

“This was a big fuc*ing screw up, I know,” said Satan, “and I’m prepared to take full responsibility for it.”

Meanwhile, word has been leaked to the Christians about this and they are none too pleased about the news. “Jesus, Lord have mercy,” said Paul Thornton, Pastor over at Christ Almighty’s Sacred Splendor Worship Hall. “This just ain’t good news at this late hour. All we’ve got, as far as I know is one Savior and he isn’t even due to come to earth yet for at least another year or so. How the hell are we going to find more Saviors at this late hour to do battle with multiple Anti-Christs?” he said as he sat wringing his hands in despair.

Mark of the Beast “666” Encoded on Holiday Gift Cards

A record number of Christians have been flooding their local Wal-Mart stores and asking for replacements for the gift cards they received for Christmas due to the fact that they claim the mark of the beast “666” has been encoded within the card.

Although the card numbers themselves do not contain the number 666, customers have complained that when they go to Wal-Mart intending to use the cards to purchase items, their purchases almost always total out to either $6.66, $66.66 or for larger purchases $666 and change.

Word among churches has spread like wildfire and Christians are afraid to use their cards for fear that their purchases will ring up to the dreaded 666 number and they will face retribution in these end times. “It is scary how many people are coming up to me and telling me that they’ve gotten purchases rung up that total $6.66 or $66.66,” said Rev. James “Gimmy” Moore of the Last Church of the Redemption in Trimble, MO. “Sometimes it happens when folks are just paying cash too, which baffles us. We are thinking that this thing is much bigger than just gift cards, and may go to the very heart of Wal-Mart’s computer systems.”

Yonna Nealdown claims that she’s also seen the phenomenon in the price tags attached to women's clothing being sold at Wal-Mart. According to Yonna, “I was looking at tags in the ladies’ lingerie section and found a batch of very provocative lacy bras which were all encoded with the number 5546664532, 5546664533, 5546664534, etc. I wrote those numbers down because (1) when I looked at the plain cotton bras in the section, none of them had numbers with 666 in them; and (2) I remembered hearing something about the 666 number being attached to items that were associated with the devil’s work.”

Yonna then went to her local Target to check the tags in their lingerie department and none of them bore the mark of the beast. “This really proves it to me,” said Yonna, “that Satan is working through Wal-Mart and unless they start listening to their Christian customers, there is going to be hell to pay. I’ll definitely have something to talk about in church come Sunday morning.”

To follow up on this story, we decided to make a visit to Wal-Mart’s headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas to find out if they were intentionally encoding their products to ring up to any number of 666 totals but were told that we would not be granted an interview on such a bogus claim. So there you have it. Not only is Wal-Mart encoding their computers to pay homage to the beast himself, but they refuse to acknowledge or deny these rumors when given the chance.