Charles and David Koch made an
astounding 360 today when they announced that they would pull all their money
out of the 2016 elections and fund, instead, every orphanage around the world
to make sure all children living in abject poverty have a better life from the
ground up.
Backers of Americans for
Prosperity, an ultra-conservative political advocacy group touted as the most
influential in history, the Koch Brothers have built a political empire backing
whomever comes closest to their ideals for a country where taxes for the rich
are low, government plays a minimal part in our ordinary lives (more on that
and marijuana reform in a moment), and where Christian values come first.
It is that last part that made
the Koch Brothers change course in a big way.
"David and I were praying
before our private altar in our office the other day and suddenly the room lit
up," said Charles Koch.
"It was an eerie light,
but brighter than any I'd ever seen. We thought maybe we'd gotten our wish and
the electric companies around the world were using more coal or
something," he said.
"But then, a figure
appeared directly in front of our altar, and I have to say I was impressed,
cause our altar is pretty large."
He paused and asked
"Charles weren't you pretty impressed?" to which Charles replied
"what word rhymes with Trump? Hump, Bump, Grump, Lump, Schlong…no no no
Dump…" sounding eerily like Ted Cruz at one of his stump speeches.
"Anyway," said David,
"we, mainly me, cause I now own 52% of our overall stock, but that's
another story," he smiled wryly…"anyway, like I was saying kids. Yes,
no, heaven, yes heaven. I thought we were dying and going to heaven when the
large apparition spoke to me. Roughly, this is the gist of our exchange:
Apparition: David, we aren't
the least bit pleased with the way you've been handling the fortune we threw
your way lo these many years ago.
Me: I didn't know spirits
actually spoke like that.
Apparition: You must repent or
Ted Cruz won't be elected President in the next election, for whosoever sayeth
it shall sprayeth it.
Me: (wondering if this was a
real apparition or Barry "Bonehead" Whiddley from 7th grade) but I
wasn't taking any chances, so I asked, What then, oh great holy spirit, must we
do to get back our power?
Apparition: You must change
course and become good men by gathering all the children to your flock...something, something...Children are like lambs, men like wolves, and the
wolves shall perish where the children once stood.
"And then poof! the
apparition disappeared," said David.
"I'm not sure I
understood that last part, but by then the bowl was getting pretty low and
Charles was bogarting."
To be continued…
