Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Smart Home Threatens Owners With Eviction

Smart homes have been around for a couple of decades now. Special wiring and technological advances allow the homes to take care of just about every aspect of running the home from round-the-clock automatic cleaning and dusting to securing the perimeter of the home against pests and intruders.

The internal system of One Smart Home in Bay Harbor, Michigan has actually evolved to the point where it has begun ridiculing the owners for less than model behavior. The Johnson family--consisting of John and Mary Johnson, 16-year old David Johnson, and 13-year old Margaret "Peg" Johnson--have lived in the home since David was one-year old.

In the past year, the Johnsons claim living in the home has been somewhat less than ideal, complaining that the automatic system nicknamed "Alice" has taken to nagging on every little thing.

"We used to be able to come and go as we pleased," said John Johnson, "but lately, if I'm the least bit late getting home from work, I'm met at the door by Alice's voice asking me if I know what time dinner is at the Johnson household."

Peg Johnson has been told more than once to "go back upstairs young lady and change those clothes. You will not leave this house looking like a tramp," and David Johnson has not been able to find his car keys for well over a week ever since he came home past curfew smelling like beer.

The last straw came when the family received a summons to appear in Court to explain why the Smart Home should not evict them.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said John. "We checked the paper out, and sure enough, there is a new statute on the books that claims that smart homes can, in fact, start eviction proceedings if the owners of the home do not abide by the "Smart Home By-Laws."

For the time being, the Johnson family is staying home and laying low. They are doing everything the Smart Home expects of them, but Mary Johnson says it is wearing thin.

"Imagine this," she said.

"Last night I decided to take a short cut and instead of making a full meal, I got out a box of Hamburger Helper. The smart home told me to hightail it right back into that kitchen and make something from scratch and then called me a lazy homemaker."

Then in a whisper, with her face away from the eye-spy camera in the corner of the room, Mary said, "If I have to iron one more tablecloth, I'm going to lose my mind."

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Reality of a Santaless Christmas Hits Home for Gosselin Kids

“…there will be snow and mistletoe and presents under a tree…” but there won’t be a Santa. The former reality show kids from Kate (Gosselin) Plus Eight are staring down another Christmas without the big fat jolly elf sticking his nose in it.

“There won’t be a Santa, that’s the biggest thing,” said Kate, who made the rounds on the early morning news shows telling everyone proudly that she gave her kids a dose of reality long before they were stars in a reality show.

“There is no Santa, never was, and my kids knew this from the git-go,” said Kate. “They get presents, sure, I’m not that mean,” she said over and over again to convince everyone that she isn’t the Grinch folks make her out to be.”

Kate says she can’t help controlling all the aspects of Christmas though.

“They can make their lists out, but I decide what they get. It is just easier that way,” she said.

“I set a time for each of the kids to sit down and discuss their lists with me. I give them the whys and wherefores as to how ridiculous some of their requests are…” she interrupted herself saying “Have you seen the cost of a simple box of Play Doh these days?...” and then went on.

“We always settle on the pajamas and slippers that I bought at last year’s half-off after-Christmas sales,” offered the queen of cruelity TV.

Kate says it is a win-win for her. “The kids get a couple of presents and I shop at the same store for all of them.”

Kate then went on to explain that giving the kids fewer gifts this year sends them a powerful message. “It’s not about Santa and toys, it is about looking your best for photo ops,” and with that, Kate was off to have her hair re-woven for the holidays.

Jon Gosselin, whom Kate accused of being the real Grinch this year due to his inability to provide expensive tech gadgets for all his kids, couldn’t be reached for comment as his own iPhone service was evidently disconnected.

USPS Stops Deliveries in Several US States Due to Low Mail Volume

The United States Postal service today announced plans to cut back, severely curtail, or not deliver mail at all to several US states due to a low volume of mailings this past year. The states affected so far by this decision are Nebraska, Kansas, Montana, and Wyoming. Utah, made the cut as well, but not because of a low mail volume, but for the mere fact that Christmas is the busiest time of the year, and no Christmas packages are ever mailed by Mormons.

The formal announcement to each of these states' postal customers individually will take place sometime in January, and the official closing of the non-producing post offices is scheduled to begin in February.

What about the people who actually still use the USPS in these states? Well, said the US Postal Inspector, they can use one of the other services for their packages, and they can e-mail and phone everyone else.

While the original plan was to make the cutbacks to keep the USPS out of bankruptcy, as the figures now stand, that won't be until at least another dozen states go on the chopping block. In the meantime, you can rest assured that the USPS will deliver the same sub-standard services as in the past, just on a smaller scale.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Enclave of Rich White Folk Claim They are Last True Americans

A small group of rich, white people calling themselves TruMericans have begun work on a 100-acre piece of property in the heart of heartland, America, to turn it into their very own enclave where they can all practice shared values without outside, i.e. illegal alien, and/or governmental interference. The group makes the lofty claim that they are now the only true Americans in America. They have even gone so far as to trademark the name TruMerica.

Notwithstanding the Indians, whom some members acknowledge they aren't really sure if they (the Indians) are even American or human for that matter, TruMericans believe they have searched enough 2010 U.S. Census data to validate their claim.

"The only names you will find among us," said John Smith, "are Smith, Miller, and Johnson."

Members had to face a stringent genome testing program to determine if they had even a drop of anything other than white in them. When told that everyone, even the whitest of white folk, can be directly linked back to a black woman, they had the testing agent banned from ever releasing this information to the public. Somehow, it slipped out. But that little anomaly is not going to make the rich, white folks abandon a dream they have been planning for over two years, when they first believed with every fiber of their being that the Apocalypse was going to happen on 12/21/12.

According to Smith, when the end didn't come, the group decided that as much as they were hoping to be a part of Armageddon, the best they could do is hole up on some podunk little piece of property and call it an enclave.

Ironically, the only other people allowed to live on TruAmerica soil are a handful of Mexican migrant workers and a few Japanese gardeners.

"We had to find a way to sustain ourselves, and we naturally looked toward the cheapest and most effective way to do that. Mexicans were the obvious choice, especially undocumented ones. They plant a mean crop. In addition, they won't run, they won't tell, they don't want to get deported. End of story," said the self-proclaimed leader of the clan, David Miller.

As for the gardeners, Miller was incredulous that we would even ask such a question.

"The Japanese are known for their gardening skills, and this enclave will have its share of mansions. Imagine what the place would look like if we were left to fend for ourselves."

Smith admitted there are a few kinks to work out and it may involve letting a few more non-white, non-Americans into the mix, but they claim to have a strict policy of no enclave members fraternizing with "the help."

"They (the help) know their place, and they know we are heavily armed with the finest ammo money can buy. I don't think they are going anyplace," he said with a wily grin.

And the kinks?

"Well, let's just say that we have 21st Century technology at our fingertips, and some of us might even know how to change the oil in our personal vehicles, but so far, none of us have the know-how to keep a vintage Army High-Speed Artillery Tractor running."

While they are merely rumors at this point, some speculate that TruMerica is the brainchild of former Vice President, Dick Cheney. However, that simply cannot be the case due to the fact that his last name is a disqualifier for him or his family joining the group. But who knows? He could have secretly changed his name to any of the surnames stated above. The most appropriate would be Dick Johnson.

We'll keep you posted.