Saturday, November 29, 2014

Black Friday Specials to Include Cheap Grocery Items

Women, Infants and Children (WIC) take heart. This year, Black Friday specials offered by stores such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Sam’s Club and others aren’t all about the X-Box. They are all about survival. Instead of offering Wii’s for less than $100 and gaming equipment for a third of its original cost, these stores are offering milk at half price, cheese below the manufacturer’s cost, and cereal for next to nothing.

Gone are the days of the $200 laptop computer and Call of Duty Black Ops being offered for less than $30. The majority of Americans are out of work and now, since their unemployment benefits have expired, are left with little to spend on expensive electronics. The big retailers know this and know that the most popular gift item this season is the gift of life. Hunger is going to be a big problem, but not if most heads of household shop during one of the many Black Friday events taking place between now and Christmas.

While the term “Black Friday” has taken on almost a literal meaning, it doesn’t have to be as bleak as everyone is making it out to be. Those who simply can’t afford gifts can still use their saved up food stamps to buy some darn good Christmas gifts for their families.

So what if your teenage daughter doesn’t get the i-Phone she’s been jonesing for. She will be pleased as punch to get a box of macaroni and cheese and a tin of tuna after having gone a day or two without dinner. And for your son, who just this once wanted a brand new football so he could play catch with his dad, he’ll understand when instead, he gets a 12-pack of Ramen noodles and a half-gallon of milk. Heck, the specials are so special this year, you may even be able to afford to give him chocolate milk for an extra special treat.

Yes, Black Friday used to be about running up high credit card balances and giving your kids what they want. Now, since all credit has virtually dried up and the banks are either closed or hanging out their Scrooge shingles, you can still give your kids a Christmas to remember--the gift of survival, thanks to all those caring retailers out there who understand just exactly what the hottest selling items on the market are this season.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Terrorist Winter Retreat Canceled Due To Infighting

By Mike Kelly and P. Beckert

The annual winter retreat of Middle Eastern terrorists organizations was abruptly canceled this week due to differences of opinion on future strategy. A yearly meeting of various groups to get together and reminisce about lost fellow members, change in the color of headgear, and the influx of recent satirical news items that have drawn their ire, will not take place in January 2015.

Most of the tension was created by the sudden push by the ISIS group to demonstrate their power and control  at the expense of the long-term strategies of other radical groups. Showing a total disregard for the thoughts and beliefs of their comrades, they have continually pushed ideas that force other groups to move further to the right in their own activities, many times against the well being and wishes of their own constituents.

The upcoming retreat was expected to bring together the top leaders of several important terror players including, Al Qaeda, Hamas, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, and top members of the Kremlin.

According to a Syrian travel agent at Global Terrorist Tourism Group, the gathering had originally been set to take place at the sunny Walt Disney World resort in Orlando, Fl. Many of the participants were especially looking forward to getting together on the "It's A Small World" ride, until they found out there was no representation of terrorists in that exhibit.

"Do we not make part of the Small World we all inhabit?" decried Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Current drone target, Abubakr alBaghdadi, entertainment director for ISIS, was especially disappointed by the sudden change in plans. Having what he believes to be his best year of leadership, he had expected to continue being the center of attention during the 5 day, 6 night group package that had been selected.

The cancellation came as quite a shock to AlBaghdadi, and many of his allies stated they haven’t seen him reach this level of depression since he found out his prized Rolex was, in fact, a fake.

Through an interpreter Abubakr, or "Abe" as his closest friends call him, says he was very disappointed he wouldn't be able to see Vladimir Putin wrestle with Liver Lips McGrowl at the Country Bear Jamboree Exhibit.

In addition, there were quite a few rumors floating about throughout the terrorist world, that Abe had already booked a breakfast at Cinderella’s Castle, hoping to personally meet the various Disney cast members, especially Princess Jasmine, the Arab-American Princess from the movie Aladdin. It is said that Abe wanted to present her with his mother's own Burqa, so that she could cover herself instead of parading around the park like a common (expletive).

Meanwhile, The spokesman for the group tried to downplay the true impact of the cancelation by pointing out the daily struggle they have in just using one name.

“Some of our regional leaders are going by ISIS, some by ISIL. Do you have any idea how hard it is to even cash a check when you aren’t sure which ID they are going to require? If we were American, can you imagine the trouble we'd have trying to convince elections officials to let us cast a vote?” stated Alman alQuerty.

"We are actually more disappointed in the fact that those capitalist American infidels will not even return our deposits, even though we paid them in Bitcoin."

As a further blow to the already deflated ego of Abe, ISIS got word from Halliburton, their logistics support contractor, that they also refused to give a full refund on the cancelled trip. Halliburton was purportedly hired as the best choice make sure there were enough armaments in case one or two of the terrorists got a hankering to blow something up.

After checking with the WDW resort, we were informed that the terrorists clearly violated the terms of the agreement by not giving enough notice of cancellation, especially in light of the fact that WDW went to great expense to ship in halal meats for the terrorists' arrival.

"If anything, we lost money on the deal," said a smiling, freckle-faced spokesperson for the Magic Kingdom, who confirmed that the spot originally booked by the ISIL folks would be going to a fundamentalist church group from Little Rock, Arkansas instead. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Female Scientist Wears Dildo Strapped to Head at News Conference

Co-written by Mike Kelly

Dr. Margaret Turnbull, the first female scientist to work alongside male scientists in a research laboratory in Las Cruces, New Mexico, has reportedly shown up to several news conferences sporting a dildo strapped to her head.

While the obvious comments are being whispered amongst several male reporters, Dr. Turnbull’s intent is not just to highlight the lack of naked male shirts, which has already been extensively reported on by Anderson Cooper.

"I'm making a statement," claimed Dr. Turnbull. "This isn't about science, this isn’t about wardrobe choices, this is about the opposite sex. The biggest problem with my approach is the fact that my esteemed colleagues can’t get past giggling long enough to understand," she stated.

Dr. Turnbull, or Margie, as she is affectionately referred to by her male colleagues, claims she felt it necessary to take a stand after seeing the social network fallout from science writer Rose Eveleth's tweets regarding the shirt worn by a male scientist working on the comet landing project last week. 

Dr. Matt Taylor, also referred to by his male colleagues as Matthew, lead scientist on the project to place a probe on a comet, showed up at several interviews wearing a shirt emblazoned with half-naked women.

While many people saw this as pretty ballsy, to put it mildly, others claim it was refreshing to see a scientist go all Gonzo on such an important mission. The fashion world wasn’t impressed with either the shirt or the loneliness his iron must feel having never seen the light of day. 

Dr. Turnbull is also not the first, nor likely the last, from the scientific community to use levity when pushed by circumstances into confronting perceived social injustice. During the Manhattan project it was rumored that several high placed team members had etched, “Made In Japan”, on components for the atomic bomb, ironically not foreseeing how catchy that phrase would later become. 

Dr. Taylor was reached for a response to his seemingly inappropriate attire choice to which he had one final comment, "At the end of the day, it is really all about probes, now isn't it?" 

Meanwhile, Dr. Turnbull says she will hang up her dildo when Dr. Taylor hangs up his shirt. Until that time she plans to continue her unique protest and is planning a strap-on outing to engage the community later this month.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dr. Phil Offers Free Psychological Counseling to Tiger Woods

Dr. Phil McGraw, America’s favorite unlicensed psychologist and self-proclaimed therapist to the stars, has offered to provide Tiger Woods with free psychological counseling if it will help him “get real” again.

In an interview between Dr. Phil and Tiger last week on the set of The View, Tiger agreed to be asked certain questions by Dr. Phil in public so that America could get a first-hand look at what was really happening in Tiger’s life and understand the long recovery road he has in front of him. Here are the highlights of that interview:

Dr. Phil: Hi Tiger, I understand you’re in a bit of a mess right now, is that right?

Tiger: Yes, I am.

Dr. Phil: So tell us, what made you decide to lose all that weight in the first place?

Tiger: What weight?

Dr. Phil: Right. So how are you coping with the reports that your wife may be a shopaholic?

Tiger: My wife doesn’t have a shopping problem.

Dr. Phil: Well, I think we should get to the bottom of your fear of heights. You know, it’s nothing to be ashamed of son.

Tiger: I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m not afraid of anything except maybe you.

Dr. Phil: Interesting. What we’d like to do is have you medically examined to rule out tinnitus before we say the voices in your head are all in your head.

Tiger (turning to Barbara Walters): What the hell is he talking about?

Barbara Walters: Listen to him Tiger. He is the best on television, you know. Look what he did for Britney.

Dr. Phil: When you say you think your mother is smoking pot, do you mean metaphorically speaking?

Tiger: Smoking pot? My mother smoking pot? Are you deranged?

Dr. Phil: Ok, then, it appears to me that we need to get your wife here on stage and discuss the problem you all are having this holiday season as to where you two are going to spend Christmas day. Can’t you just split your time between your parents’ home and hers?

Tiger: Ok, I think I see what you are trying to do Dr. Phil. Look, it’s working. I’m a sex addict, ok? You figured it out. Now what can you do for me?

Dr. Phil: Tiger, hiding behind that wall you’ve built around yourself and not talking about your problems is self-defeating. What can we do to get you to open up to us?

Tiger(in tears) (to Barbara): Make him stop, please Barbara, make him stop.

Barbara Walters: Dr. Phil, another amazing breakthrough. How do you do it?

Dr. Phil: Right. Let’s ask the audience. “How many here believe that latent homosexuality exists in women just as much as it does in men?”

Doctors Baffled By Iowa Man's Inability to Remain Erect

Doctors at the Iowa City VA Health Care System in Iowa City, Iowa, are baffled by the case of a local man who appears to have lost the ability to remain vertical while standing for more than five minutes at a time. In fact, Ernest Umble has been seen at various emergency rooms throughout Iowa City no less than 14 times in the past 30 days, and hospitalized 5 of those times for two to three days on average.

For lack of a sound diagnosis for these falls, Mr. Umble's primary care physician, Dr. Stan Dupp, has concluded that the patient presents himself as being cursed with a very rare condition known as hyper-gravitational disorder or HGD.

While Parkinson's Disease has been ruled out , the doctors have not yet ruled out other potential causes for Mr. Umber's inability to remain erect, including the supposition that he may just like lying down better than he likes standing up, a theory that Mr. Umber says is totally preposterous.

"If that were the case, don't you think I'd make sure I was standing on a soft surface, such as a bed or a mattress before deciding to lie down?" asked the frustrated patient.

This statement elicited a few giggles from a local newspaper reporter who was sent to cover this strange medical drama playing out in various venues in and around Mr. Umble's neighborhood, most commonly in his home and/or the very hospitals where he has been treated.

"His first fall was at home, down the stairs, while trying to avoid one of my cats," said Margie Umble, Ernest's bride of just under 7 months. "It was downhill from there," she said half-jokingly.

"We had just moved into a new townhouse, and were joking around about how the cats sleep in the darndest places," said Margie, "when Ernest lost his footing trying to step over my cat Freckles on the 5th step. Down he tumbled," said Margie, "...Ernest, not Freckles that is."

That fall landed Ernest in the hospital with a fracture of the lower spine, and necessitated surgery to repair the damage. Ernest wasn't home more than two or three days recuperating from that surgery when he contracted pneumonia and had to be re-admitted. Doctors say the next fall, suffered in the hallway of the hospital where Ernest was being treated for the pneumonia can be linked directly to the lack of oxygen, a symptom of severe pneumonia. According to Margie, Ernest was trying to maneuver his IV stand over the threshold to his hospital room when he went flying into an adjacent wall.

However, the other falls, 12 more since that first fall, have left Mr. Umble's doctors scratching their heads. Short of strapping Mr. Umble to his bed for the remainder of his life, or until a suitable treatment plan can be designed to keep his falls to a minimum, doctors are running out of answers.

"It is getting to the point where we are seriously considering wrapping Mr. Umble in bubble wrap from head to toe in order to minimize any further damage," said Dr. Dupp.

In the meantime, a team of physicists from Stanford University have asked Mr. Umble for his permission to study him in hopes that his unique inability to stand erect for more than a few minutes at a time may somehow prove the last part of Einstein's special theory of relativity. Mr. Umble has yet to respond due to the fact that he is currently in traction at Mercy Iowa City Hospital after falling UP the stairs at his home on Thursday.

The good doctor added "Mr. Umble is giving new meaning to the term accident prone."