[Ed. Note: An Old Story from 2009 for your reading pleasure]
Mt. Clemens, MI – Seems with the cold weather approaching, there has been a rash of bigfoot sightings in the Mt. Clemens area, the most recent occurring last Sunday behind the local Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar out on 15 Mile Road in Clinton Township. Officer Stan Down was called to the scene by BWW employee, Lou Klively, who was visibly shaken by what he saw.
“Yeah, I was goin’ out there to throw out the trash like I always do, and about this time I sees this big hairy thing not more’n 10 feet from me take off into the woods right over there,” he said pointing to a thicket of bushes and trees that line a creek area just west of the strip mall.
While it was hard for Klively to give a complete description of the person or thing that he saw, he is almost 100% positive it was one sort of bigfoot or another.
Said Kively, “Now I know it weren’t no Yeti cause they live up in the mountains or something, and I can’t say for sure if it was a sasquatch or a skunk ape, cause although it did smell a bit out here, that coulda been the rancid butter sauce I threw out earlier. So I’m gonna go with saying I’m 99% sure it was just your average bigfoot feller.”
Officer Down, during his investigation, found what he first thought might be human finger bones, cracked at the knuckles, but upon closer examination, he determined they were, in fact, chicken bones. Bigfoot creatures are known to like marrow and, during the colder months especially, it is an essential part of their diet. However, over on the other side of the dumpster there appeared to be half of a larger than human footprint in a puddle of bleu cheese dressing, obviously spilled by the creature when he was startled by Kively.
“Yeah, he was out here having himself a meal alright,” said Officer Down.
“The only thing missing was the crudité platter.”
Willow Creek, CA bigfoot expert, Homer Dickson III, son of Dick Dickson, one of the most famous bigfoot hunters in the country, is flying out next week to investigate the sighting and see if he can locate any more information about this particular band of bigfeet that seem to be living very close to the BWW. According to Dickson, sightings of bigfoot creatures are up all over the country.
"When times are lean for America, that means, they are lean for all creatures. With fewer Americans having the time or the money to camp out in the woods, these creatures are being forced to forage for food where they would not normally do so, i.e. in dumpsters behind strip malls. There have been a rash of sightings over in Kings Mill out behind the Walmart over there and we're gonna investigate those sightings as well while we're in Michigan," he said.
The mayor of Mt. Clemens, Barb D. Empsey, welcomes the Dicksons with open arms.
“Folks around here have been on edge, claiming they’re seeing things and wondering if they’ll be next to run into one of these bigfeet creatures. Although we can’t be sure they exist, it can’t hurt to have these guys come out here with their chrome magnonmeters and their electronosphincters to test the area for possible infestation. Until they give the all clear, I’m urging all Mt. Clemens citizens to stay in their homes and only go out at night if absolutely necessary.”
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Monday, September 1, 2014
In honor of all those hard-working people who are taking a day off (actually, only the people lucky enough to have bosses who still consider Labor Day a holiday and not an excuse to make their people work even harder), I've decided to post here some of my musings on the Labor Day holiday in the style of the late, great humor writer, Shel Silverstein. Since I am hardly as prolific or humorous as Mr. Silverstein, and since this is technically my day off from doing any kind of work, including writing, today's post will be short and sweet.
Today is labor day
As most of you know
We take off work
and bask in the glow
of a job well-done
the fortunate one
who at least has a job to
stay home from.
Where else but in American do
we take a day off to relax and reward
ourselves for being hard workers and then
call it Labor Day.
If you have to work on Labor Day
And can't be outside to enjoy it
Remember that it is only a day
And at least you are employed.
Today's the day to sing and dance
Today's the day to wear no pants
Just sit and watch T.V. all day
And labor less,
It's Labor Day.
Unless you are a retail clerk
Put on your pants and go to work.