Saturday, August 30, 2014

Burger King Announces Lettuce Shaped Like Dollar Bills on Whoppers

Get a load of that lettuce!
Burger King, the whopper giant that sits perpetually in the cool shade of its rival McDonald's, when it comes to corporate profits, has come up with a clever marketing ploy to make more money for itself.

Many would say it's the news that BK is attempting to buy Canadian donut giant, Tim Hortons in order to change their corporate ownership over from US to Canadian, to avoid having to pay corporate income taxes on the whole shebang, but no, that isn't it. While that is a pretty crafty ploy, the marketing people aren't quite as savvy as BK's financial folks when it comes to staying afloat in the burger turd business so to speak.

No, BK has partnered with Monsanto, the genetically modified foods giant to produce lettuce that actually is greener and has a pattern on each leaf resembling a dollar bill. The "lettuce" (see how they used the slang term for money and substituted the real food item here--pure marketing genius) will be placed on every Whopper sold at Burger King, replacing the ordinary lettuce they are currently using.

The genius who came up with this idea, Buster Banks, head of marketing over at Burger King, couldn't quite believe it when the Burger King himself decreed this to be a million-dollar idea, especially in light of the fact that Banks admittedly came up with the marketing ploy after a late-night excursion to the local bar had him waking up on the loading docks of a local produce company in Miami.

"There I was," said Banks. "I worked late the night before. Me and a couple of the guys stopped off at Johnny Martini's for a quick one that turned into a few more, and don't you know the next morning I'm waking up on a loading dock among some of the freshest produce I've ever seen," he marveled.

"I'm not sure if I dreamed the idea or if it came to me as I was removing a piece of wilted lettuce from my empty wallet that lay alongside me, but they say that is how good ideas come to light. Money lettuce was born, well, maybe not born, but definitely conceived by a mad man, or in this case, an 'ad' man," he quipped.

"I was as shocked as anyone that after royally screwing up the Subservient Chicken ad campaign, I was finally able to produce (pun intended) a newer, fresher, and more believable marketing idea," he said.

"Who knew cockfighting chickens were a no-no in ad campaigns to sell chicken sandwiches."

BK expects to have the new "Dollar Whoppers" on the market come spring, giving Monsanto enough time to split the genes, synthetically mess with the DNA of the iceberg lettuce they will be using, and grow and harvest their first batch of dollar bills for the sandwiches. And while you may think that Dollar Whopper means the whopper will be selling for only a buck, think again. The Dollar Whopper will actually sell for more due to the increase in marketing and other costs associated with making such a specialized burger.

Asked if Burger King thinks this new idea will create enough ad revenue to outshine McDonald's in their age-old burger wars, BK VP Col. Mustard replied "We are quite confident that our lettuce will create the lettuce (pun intended) needed to buy Russian fast food giant, Teremok (Russian: Tepemok), and get a toe-hold in the borscht business. And from there, who knows? We may just take over the souvlaki fast food giants in Greece."

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Labor Day Now #1 Hated Holiday in America

Labor Day is now the most hated holiday of all in America. Unemployment is at an all-time high. Salaries are the lowest they’ve been since the early ‘70’s inflation-wise, and most people hate their bosses, most of who make upwards of 600% more than they do.

The Labor Day holiday does nothing more today than remind millions of Americans that they have nothing to celebrate. Americans want to be working, not taking another day off—most without pay. That’s why many the majority of out-of-work Americans are boycotting the Labor Day holiday and going to work, anywhere.

Workers are showing up at factories unannounced turning on machines and making cars and refrigerators and other appliances. They are turning the lights on at banks and handling money like it was any other work day. They are washing cars, pumping gas and babysitting, anything to keep themselves busy.

In fact, so many people are working on this, their rightful day off, that it is skewing the unemployment numbers. But fear not, come Tuesday, everyone will be back at home, jobless, and everything again can return to normal.

Ed, Note First, I just figured out if  you put your fingers on the keyboard one letter left of the N in Note, you will write "Bite," just thought you'd like to know for future reference. Second, I wrote this originally on 9/6/10, but it has gotten so many hits on and around Labor Days since, that I've decided to make it a permanent Labor Day or thereabouts fixture. And third, as you can see by the employment figures out, there hasn't really been much of a change at all, just in the last digit of the year, that has successively gone from 10 to 11, 12, 13, and now 14.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Local Woman Needs Button Replacements After Husband Wears Them Out

Marjorie Shuway is recovering nicely after a button transplant was performed throughout various parts of her body. The Buttonectomy was the first of its kind done anywhere in the world, but doctors believe that once the word gets out about the success of the operation, many more women will be lining up for the procedure.

"Normally, this would be a simple outpatient procedure," said Dr. Kloitus, a self-described lifestyle-change surgeon who agreed to work on Mrs. Shuway at no cost.

"In Marjorie's case, this was about the most extreme case of button pushing we'd ever seen. What with two teenage daughters, both of whom are quite popular in school, and a husband who still thinks that a woman's place is in the home and refusing to help her out around the house, her patience has worn pretty thin of late. She needs a couple days' rest in the hospital to help her adjust to having new buttons to push."

Dr. Kloitus also said that she and another doctor are working on thickening up her patient's patience as well, but will wait until she has fully recovered from the buttonectomy to perform that procedure.

Doctors claim the new buttons are computerized and will come ready to adapt to any situation.

"Say Marjorie asks her husband to take out the trash, and Jim (Shuway) tells his wife that he'll do it after the game, like he does every Monday night during football season. All Marjorie has to do is switch to automatic override on her new button system, and voila, she is telling Jim that he will no longer be able to use that tired old excuse anymore and if he doesn't take out the trash right away, his dinner the next night is going to be a non-issue."

"We have created a manual that goes along with the button override full of situations and how to handle them," said Dr. Hilary Ousenstein, co-inventor of the buttonectomy. Now, instead of Mrs. Shuway being taken advantage of by her family through no fault of her own (i.e. having a faulty and outdated button system), she has now been given the tools to handle every situation with total aplomb."

So, now that buttonectomys are becoming all the rage with overworked wives and mothers, what is next for the lifestyle-change physicians?

"Well," said Dr. Ousenstein, "we are actually working on a new personal GPS that will be implanted in the brain of women who are being pushed and pulled in all directions."

The new GPS system, which has not yet been given a name, will self-right any woman who is feeling anything from being squeezed out of money for a new pair of the latest athletic shoes to trying to figure out how to get Katie to dance recitals at the same time Johnny has soccer practice."

Drs. Kloitus and Ousenstein claim there are women lined around the block to have these new systems implanted into their bodies.

"Forget botox and tummy tucks," said Ousenstein. "Getting and keeping control of familial situations is the wave of the future for many women."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Hillary Clinton Obviously Not Aware Obama Cannot Run for Third Term

Alex Brandon/AP Photo
In case no one has noticed lately, it seems former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, has been a bit passive aggressive in her treatment of her former boss, President Obama.

She came at him with both barrels last week, lambasting his skills on the international front and his handling of the Middle Eastern crisis, and then whammo, she starts talking about hugging him when next they meet, and telling the press she really does admire him. Ok, so she states he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to foreign affairs, but is proud of him?

What's up with that? Hormonal changes? Possibly. But honestly, it looks more like she's stuck in perpetual "running for President" mode, trying to cut her own swatch out of the foreign affairs fiasco quilt that is quickly unraveling before our very eyes. But going after the guy whom she needs badly to help her win a possible nomination as Democratic candidate for President certainly begs some kind of explanation. Perhaps she feels confident in the fact that the only other guy who holds sway over the 2016 Democratic primary nominations is her own husband, Bill. With Bill on her side, who needs old Mr. what's his name?

So, what about Bill Clinton, while we're on the subject. Possibly, she is having a tough time with him and subconsciously taking it out on Obama. I mean, look at him (Obama that is). He's successful, his marriage is solid, his kids are way cute. To fill his shoes, which appear to be about a size 13 if not larger, she is going to have to come out of the gate half cocked and loaded for bear, not unlike a certain other female politician from the other party who has not yet made her intentions clear on whether or not to run for the White House herself.

But enough of Sarah Palin already. It is pure conjecture, but it would appear that Hillary Clinton is gunning for Obama to show she can take on the biggest dog in the Democratic pound. Fair enough. What about Elizabeth Warren?

"Oh her!" said Clinton at a recent fundraiser. "I've challenged her to a cookie bake off and she hasn't accepted yet. Guess we know who's afraid of whom now, don't we?"

Monday, August 11, 2014

Austinites Dumbfounded Over Forbes Pick of Washington D.C. as Coolest City

Citizens of Austin, Texas are said to be somewhat confused over a new Forbes Magazine article naming Washington, D.C. the coolest city in America. But, true to their calm nature, they are taking the designation in stride.

"Forbes is losing its grip on reality," said one Austin City dweller, who claims she moved there from Washington specifically to see what it was like to live in a cool college town.

Sienna Torreid, originally born in Washington, D.C., claims growing up in the nation's capital was a bit like 'living with your grandfather all the time.'  

"I never saw so many old farts in my life," claims the 27-year old marketing analyst. "The only thing cool about Washington, D.C. is the weather. In fact, it can get downright cold there," said Torreid.

Torreid is thinking of putting together a petition to get the President to sign an executive order disallowing Forbes to publish inane poll results.

But Austin did make it into the top ten, coming in third just behind Seattle.

"Sure, Seattle, I can believe," said Torreid. "I mean it is the home of grunge rock. Grunge rock is way cooler than politics," she concluded, "but not as cool as weird."

Friday, August 8, 2014

Proposed Franken-Stein Amendment to Farm Bill Takes on GMOs

GMO labeling has gotten a lot of press lately. The biggest news on this front last year was the vote of Sen. Al Franken (D-MN), against an Amendment to the Farm Bill introduced by Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), which would take the task of GMO labeling away from the federal government and put it directly in the hands of the individual states.

While Sen. Franken has always believed that it was more important to be concerned with the health of the population over the ability to grow an extra liver for future usage, his vote against this amendment has also shown that even the leftist of the left must consider the money that will be used against them in an election year and vote accordingly.

Sen. Joshua "Josh" Stein (D-NC), once named an Environmental Champion of the North Carolina General Assembly, an honor that pretty much establishes his avoidance of stepping barefoot on cockroaches at the local Bubba's Indoor BBQ Pit, has lit a fire under Sen. Franken, promising to work feverishly with him to create the most perfect specimen of an Amendment the nation has ever seen. His vision is to make sure that GMO labeling will eventually be the law in every state of the Union, including science-denying states like Minnesota and North Carolina, before 2087.

"Like every scientific experiment," said Stein, "GMOs were given the green light before the consequences of tinkering with nature were fully realized. Now that we have had time to thoroughly read the very large 10-page report on their impact, we realize that what could be unleashed on our society could potentially provide alternatives to medical abortions, something the religious right would undeniably blame on President Obama. We must stop this abomination now!"

Sen. Stein added, "My colleague, Mr. Franken, was hasty in his assessment of the situation, but I have met with Sen. Franken several times over the past few months, and fortunately, those meetings have resulted in the Franken-Stein Amendment to the Sanders Amendment to the Farm Bill. It’s Alive!” he said jokingly.

In related news, a winemaking Abbey in Vino, California, has announced that its senior winemaker, Monsignor Santo, will head up a new division of winemaking, and assured its clients that no genetically modified grapes or yeast, will be used in the process of producing their wines now, or anytime in the future.

"God did not intend for man to take matters of nature into his own hands," wrote Mon. Santo on a piece of paper due to his vow not to vocalize his thoughts, which was then delivered to the California Senate back in May of this year, where a vote was set to take place on a Bill requiring foods containing GMOs to be labeled as such. California SB 1381 passed largely due to Mon. Santos' short, but effective contribution to the debate.

Asked why he became involved in the fight, Mon. Santo claims it was not the issue of GMOs so much as the fact that ever since GMOs have become synonymous with the agricultural giant, Monsanto, he has become the butt of many jokes at the Abbey.

Through an interpreter, Mon. Santo claims he got fed up with the constant barrage of paper airplanes thrown his way containing the adolescent thoughts of the other residents of the Abbey, and the increasing abuse of the Saturday night mime program which was more than he could tolerate.

Co-written by Mike Kelly