Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Snold Has Grown Old
(loosely following "The Cat in the Hat")

The Snold Has Grown Old
So old it's not funny
He lives in a place
Where the sun is not sunny

He and his friends
Are much older than dirt
They no longer smile and
they no longer flirt

Too old to take hikes
Too old to ride bikes,
They can't get around to the
places they like,

He yells at the kids
to stay off of the grass
The Snold doesn't move
he just sits on his ass,

He sits round all day,
Yes he sits,
Not like old Myrtle,
Who still likes to knit.

Then something goes BLAM
like a battering ram
He feels it
His knees have gone out on him
Bursitis, Arthritis, Tinnitus
and more
He no longer feels like
himself anymore.

Lucky for him there is one saving grace
He'll soon lose his mind
And get outta this place.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Pornographic Weather Map Shows Up on Columbus News Channel

A weather map showing a slow-moving storm stretching across the lower middle section of the country on Monday, and pointing toward the northern New England area was quickly taken down by the Weather Channel for being too graphic for their viewers.

Meanwhile, the map remained on screen at a Columbus News Channel as there was not enough time to create a less-graphic graphic.

Red-faced local weatherman Peter "Pete" Johnson from Columbus, Ohio began his forecast with a bit of levity:

"Sure, it looks exactly like you think it looks," said Johnson, "but you won't get me to come down to your level."

Johnson went on to explain the phenomenon of the weather map creating such a distinct picture.

"In the weather business, it's what we call a boundary layer, caused by heavy boundary friction. This one may even cause some ball lightening," he said, trying not to giggle.

He continued. "With the right kind of circulation, this storm has the propensity to spread moisture all the way up into Canada."

With that, Johnson doubled over with laughter and was forced to turn the rest of the report over to his assistant, Missy Meyers.

Meyers continued, "Look for fast developing cumulonimbus in the pre-frontal boundary, culminating in heavy downpours before weakening, lighting a cigarette and falling fast asleep..."

The station manager quickly turned the report over to the sportscaster who then opened with his report about the scarcity of firm balls at the World Cup.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Big Pharma Offering Top Dollar to Suicidal Human Guinea Pigs

Listen up all you suicidal sorts out there. Big pharma has an offer you can't refuse. One company out of Richmond, Virginia has a controversial new program whereby you lend yourself to testing some of the most controversial drugs on the market. In return, you will either die as wished or, at the very least, make enough money to solve all your short-term money problems--in which case, you might want to re-think the coward's way out.

Big pharma in general is counting on the 'win-win' angle to build a small bank of special test subjects for controversial new drugs for everything from treating snake bites to curing hyper-gynecomastia. Note: these are the drugs that can't be tested on regular subjects due to the high probability of failure of the drug in the testing phase.

Studies indicate about 90% of people who sign up for  test trials on drugs and other medical procedures are experiencing huge debt problems. In the testing of the most dangerous of drugs, some people have only two ways out--death, or an opportunity to make a large amount of cash in a short amount of time, albeit usually suffering long-lasting side effects such as nervous tics, infertility, or micropsia (look it up, Alice). That's where big pharma comes in.

These trials are not without controversy. First, there is the whole death thing. No one wants to admit that people are dying in the wake of drug testing; however, these tests will allow us to deal with the issue head on. As one research scientist put it, "we can worry less about who is dying, and focus more on who is making the drug more marketable by surviving."

It is expected that at least 63% of all subjects being used to test the most dangerous drugs will die. Fortunately, their surviving family members will be offered enough money to cover the funeral costs of the deceased. As an added bonus, they will receive a large floral arrangement commemorating their loved ones' heroic deeds in trying to make various dangerous drugs safer for the potential customers of big pharma.

While some people, especially those who live with suicidal family members, are extremely upset with this new avenue drug companies are taking to have their products tested before putting them up for FDA approval, the majority of those weighing in are hailing it as a way to keep their suicidal loved ones around for longer periods of time.

Jaundice Morgan, whose mother and brother are both suicidal, told us, "At least if my brother or mother can be with me a bit longer while being used as a guinea pig, I'll take whatever time I can get. Furthermore, who knows? The drugs may not kill them, in which case we could all be living a pretty sweet life after trial," she said.

Desensitization is already the main core of most pharmaceutical company ad campaigns. Listen carefully, and there are a whole host of "maybes" or "probabilities" to go along with your new addictive drug.

Said Juana DiCease, Marketing Manager of Centralized Laboratories and Testing, Inc., "Who wants to take the chance of taking a drug that might kill you when it can be tested on someone else first to see if it kills them? It all comes down to two things," she said, "survival of the fittest, and kill or be killed. It's really that simple."

DiCease explained further. "If we test on animals, we are targeted by PETA and tree huggers. If we test on humans, we are accused of being inhumane. How else are we going to understand how the drugs work unless we use them on some living creature? I mean, come on people. Mankind loves their drugs, but not enough to allow us to kill or maim to get a good grade pain killer on the market?"

DiCease quantified the decision even further.

"Just so there is no confusion, who we are really looking to employ as guinea pigs are people who are already hell bent on self-destruction. If something goes wrong with the test and their wishes are granted, it is a win-win for them and for us. For us, obviously, because we learn we have more work to do before putting the drug on the market for consumption by the general public."

Many are outraged at the wanton way in which big pharma is going about testing for new drugs, but statistics show that just as many or more people die after being prescribed new and under-tested drugs on the market. Just listen to the television ads for the drugs. The disclaimers alone are enough to make any level-headed person regret ever going to the doctor in the first place for what ails them.

"Women who are pregnant or nursing should not take this drug. If you have swollen lips, eyes, mouth, or tongue, or are having problems breathing, discontinue use and call your doctor immediately. You may experience sweating, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of consciousness, seizures, orange hair, purple teeth...just checking to see if you are listening..., or even death while taking this drug..." The list goes on.

So really, when you think about it, what is there to lose? Most people would be better off accepting the money to become human guinea pigs rather than waiting to become ill and needing a controversial new drug to treat that illness, thus rendering them guinea pigs inadvertently anyhow. And that is precisely how big pharma sees it.