Friday, January 31, 2014

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Too

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too.

Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

"Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim."

And then this, "You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood."

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

"No, no man, my blood, it's like...oh never mind."

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

"What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no...wait yeah, I wanna go golfing.

"You got clubs?"

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

"No, no, man, c'mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing..."

No, Joe, we don't have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans.

Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

"Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh."

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man's job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn't disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut after President Obama delivered his warmed-over speech about women's rights, yadda, yadda, yadda...higher minimum wage...yadda, yadda, yadda...our commitment to our military...yadda, yadda, yadda...Actually, scorekeepers noted no less than 81 yadda's in all in the speech.

The biggest surprise of the evening came from McMorris Rodgers herself, who claimed that under President Obama's administration, more women than ever before have become lesbians. She gave the reason as being that women are finally catching on that men make more money than them, and are using the old adage "if you can't beat them, join them" in an attempt to grab a piece of the earnings pie in this country.

The Washington Gay-Lesbian Brotherhood admitted they supplied the information from their group to bring home the fact that their numbers, when it came to lesbian sign-ups, had more than tripled in the last two years, and they can show a direct correlation between those numbers and the Obama administration policies.

Victoria "Vic" Musselman, co-chairwoman of the WGLB and a successful HVAC technician, said that it is their belief that more and more women will seek to become lesbians due to the fact that there are more opportunities for lesbians in the trades, such as journeymen, electrical workers, and plumbers.

"And, women are naturally more easily trained in those professions," she said.

Recanting her own tale of first being a housewife for 14 years, then being dumped by her husband "for some arm candy," as she put it, Vic claims the only way she could finish raising their two high-school aged children and put them through college was to get a man's job, and that is what she did.

"I went to ITT Technical School and became a licensed HVAC technician making bundles more than I ever could as a secretary or even a VP of a large corporation, and I've never looked back," said a victorious Vic.

"And, like my husband, I met the woman of my dreams."

While McMorris Rodgers admitted the GOP wants to make it perfectly clear they are not all that in favor of same sex marriage, they find it totally acceptable for women to go to whatever lengths necessary to raise their children, because, as the GOP sees it, the less women on the dole, the better off the country is.

When asked what he thought about this aspect of McMorris Rodgers' speech in particular, the President was non-committal, but did say this,

"Well, sure, I don't care. If women want to be lesbians, I can't really stop them. And I would take that one step further. If men want to be gay, I say let them, but be prepared. If the GOP doesn't help get a fair pay act out there for everyone, the men may want to reconsider."

In other news, President Obama said he would not take responsibility for the winter storm that struck the deep south on Tuesday.

"Contrary to what the GOP would have you believe, I cannot be totally blamed for the winter storm that struck the southern half of the country immobilizing places like Birmingham and Atlanta overnight. I was preparing my speech. Otherwise, I would have taken measures to have the weather cooperate more fully, even if it meant using executive order to do so," said a fully confident Obama.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Sarah Palin's Heritage Linked Back to Salem Witch Trial Era

A reading of parts of a manuscript dated to 1692, has been found to contain the surname Ward. This name, when researched, may suggest that Henrietta McAutrey, nee Ward, is a thrice-removed cousin of our own Sarah Palin.

You may think that Henrietta Ward was one of the accused witches prosecuted during the Salem Witch Trials, given who she may be related to. However, Ms. Ward was actually a cousin herself of Cotton Mather, one of the foremost proponents of evil spirits dwelling the in the bodies of hapless women during the era of witch hysteria that gripped small towns in Massachusetts.

Can any of this be proven? According to historian, Johanna Watson (herself a direct descendant of the infamous Dr. John Watson), the answer is no.

"The trail linking Ward directly to Palin is sketchy at best," answered Ms. Watson.

When asked then why she was tracing Sarah Palin's roots in the first place, Ms. Watson said it was something Palin said during her bid as Vice-President that struck her odd.

"Ms. Palin, in a coffee shop somewhere, said 'yes, of course, I believe there are demons among us that wish to destroy us,' and I thought it odd that she would speak in such a way. Almost as if she were channeling a 16th Century witch hunter," said the amateur historian.

Ms. Watson said that one statement started her on a journey to trace Sarah Palin's roots, and she has never looked back. She says some of her research has led her to believe Palin's ancestry linked her  to either the Salem Witch Trials, or to Popcorn Sutton, one of the most famous moonshiners in American history, but she wasn't certain which.

"It's a tossup between Cotton and Popcorn," said Watson. 

"I presume we will find our answer shortly, and when we do, we will report the findings at once," she said, politely ending the interview.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Major Paint Company Admits 'Faux Touches' Ploy to Sell Paint

Today, a major paint company admitted to tricking its customers into buying paint they didn't need by introducing new painting techniques to 'jazz up' their living spaces, and then forcing them to buy more paint to cover up the hideous results.

Titanic Paints based out of Buffalo, New York, made the confession when it's new President and CEO, Johann Johannssonn, called for more transparency in the company's public relations. Johannssonn joined the company after its former President and CEO retired after 50 years of overseeing the business.

"I was appalled at the sheer audacity of our actions. To be so bold as to suggest to our customers to use a technique on their walls just so that we could sell them another pint, another gallon, of our premium, high-grade, no-spill, extra latex, did I say quality? paint."

Mr. Johannssonn was, in fact, referring to the technique of 'color splash' where a designer will paint a wall a solid color, and then take a splash of a contrasting color and lightly brush it willy-nilly over the first coat of paint.

"It is hideous," said Johannssonn, referring to one method in particular where a metallic paint such as gold or bronze is splashed over a flat-based paint.

We may call it 'Spanish modern' but it looks more like 'Mayan massacre,'" said the outraged honcho.

Titanic Paints has received quite a bit of push back from home interior designer magazines, including Designer Homes Today, Home Do-Over, and  Quickie Flip Ideas. The magazines have been relying on touch up and make-over tips from Titanic paints for over a dozen decades, and learning that the whole time they were being scammed, or rather, their readers were being scammed, comes as quite a shock.

One magazine editor and home design guru, Martha White, was particularly non-plussed over the confession.

"I am bewildered as to why Mr. Johannssonn is coming forward at this time, when so many people across America have relied on their company for years to be the first stop in painting advice.

"More importantly, it behooves me to ask Mr. Johannssonn what he intends to do about my April issue of Home Do-Over, where we have already refinished the interior of an entire home in a faux bamboo design. If word of this gets to the owner of that house, as I am sure it will, it will cost us dearly to buy all that paint to re-decorate the home..." Ms. White stopped.

Mr. Johannssonn's announcement comes at precisely the time homeowners are in the process of finishing up their new looks for spring, and, in his own words,

"I just hope I'm not too late to save you from a hideous mistake, but if I am, you can find our paints at any major do-it-yourself store in more colors than ever before."

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Ghost of Reagan Appears; Apologizes for Trickle Down Economics

It is said that Ronald Reagan haunts the White House, and a visitor to the stately home has come forward to bring a message from Reagan beyond the grave.

"He says he's sorry for advocating trickle-down economics, and if he was President today, he would never have let his wealthy friends convince him of such a stupid policy in the first place," says Lucy Landers, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher from Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Landers was taking part in a White House tour with her 7th graders when she felt an icy spirit haunted by his own policies approach her.

"I felt as if I was transported back in time to the 80s; the 1980s to be exact. I knew I was face-to-face with the Gipper, because he kept expecting me to recognize his characters from movies, but I've never seen anything he was in.

"He told me the message he'd tried desperately to get through to our side since his death," said the teacher.

"Of course, I immediately asked him, 'why now?' and he said the gatekeepers up there won't let him pass into higher realms until he fixes what he messed up. Says he keeps trying to fix it, but all they ever do down here is misquote him and blame him for stuff he didn't do. He said it is driving him nuts. And eternity is a long time to be driven nuts."

Independent reports confirm multiple sightings of the deceased President since his 2004 demise, but witnesses chalked it up to an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, or a crumb of cheese. Others described it as having taken place following "a night out with lobbyists, so [he] was still pretty high at the time."

When asked if she could state verbatim what the ghost of Reagan said, she gave us this:

"He said, 'I really let the American people down. My economic plan was written by and for the wealthy, and haunting America's wasteland today, I can see how wrong it was, and I'm sorry for that."

Miss Landers then said Reagan's message got a bit garbled.

" He said something about garbanzo beans and monkeys, blah, blah, blah, 'did it for all the wrong reasons,'  blah, blah, the best I can remember of what he said," claims Landers.

As the story broke, MSNBC News commentator, Chris Matthews was quick to call it a lie.

"I've met with the ghost of Reagan many times at the White House, and, contrary to popular belief, especially the belief of many of my book critics, [Matthews had a new book out this past Christmas entitled Tip and the Gipper], all he ever told me was..wait I've got it right here in my notes, hang on a it is and Reagan said...'quit following me around you little O'Neill stoolie, or I'll punch you right in the...', wait, wait," said Matthews, "that's not what he said, I swear."

Monday, January 20, 2014

Is Duck Dynasty's Goose Finally Cooked?

The once-popular A&E Reality Television show Duck Dynasty is slowly sinking into oblivion as more and more people are coming out of their down-filled slumber and realizing the show does nothing more than glorify redneck values. (Hey, wait a minute. If that were the only thing to bring down a reality television series, Jerry Springer would have found himself standing in the unemployment line a long time ago.) It must be something else, read on...

The latest big name (or semi-big name depending on your age) to ruffle feathers in the entertainment world by placing his support behind the controversial show is Liam Payne of the boy band One Direction. Evidently, it's not so cool these days to be one of the last kids on the block to admit to the guilty pleasure of watching a bunch of grown men prowling around out in the woods blowing everything to Kingdom come. Even God would have a problem with that.

But, of course, killing isn't the controversy that got DD patriarch, Phil Robertson, in double Dutch in the first place. It was homosexuality and racism. Putting your support behind those two highly explosive issues will trump killing a bunch of wild animals just for fun any day.

Phil Robertson blames the poor ratings the show is now getting on "a bunch of wussies out there in TV Land who won't admit they actually love watching a poor white trash rags-to-riches story."

"Where was our millions of viewers last month when I was being held feet to fire for stating what every one of them didn't have the man parts to say themselves?" asked a bewildered and hurt Robertson, resting his head on the over-abundant chest of his life-long partner Daisy, err, Miss Kay Robertson.

Folks are wondering where the understanding Kay's chest was when Phil was pumped up with his self-proclaimed love of God in telling tales about a south where no black man was ever mistreated, where everyone lived in peace and harmony singing the songs of the south in 'dem ol' cotton fields back home.'

Evidently, Mr. Robertson only brings out the double D's when it is absolutely necessary. Too bad he may not have them for much longer as this may be the last season for duck hunting on A&E.

As for Liam Payne, Robertson had this to say.

"I appreciate Mr. Payne coming out on our defense. I just hope to mighty God hisself that Mr. Payne doesn't 'come out' in any other ways as so many of his other boy band mates have done so in the past," proving once and for all that you can take the redneck outta the woods but you can't, well, you get the picture.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Writes Own Song Parody

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has decided if you can’t beat them, join them. So he has written his own song parody, and is expected to perform it on the Jimmy Fallon Show Monday night, and it’s expected to outdo Jimmy’s recent parody with Bruce Springsteen. Here is a sneak preview of what you can expect.

Bridge Over Jersey Waters

(Sung to Bridge Over Troubled Waters — Simon and Garfunkel)
When I say back me
and you don’t
When my guys visit you
Don’t you slough them off
Come to my side
Or I’ll make it tough
to run your little town
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down
When the Feds find out
What I did
I’ll lie my fool ass off
Blame it all on you
We’ll shred e-mails
And redact the rest,
Don’t put me to the test
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down
Bet you’ll back me now
Bet you will
Cause you know Chris Christie
is headed for Capitol Hill
I’m gonna win
Yea come 2016
And if you don’t back me,
There’s a bridge over DC waters,
I will shut it down,
There’s a bridge over DC waters,
I will shut it down

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Harvey Weinstein to Open Fire on NRA in Upcoming Movie

Filmmaker, Harvey Weinstein announced Wednesday that he is taking on the NRA with a zeal not seen since Michael Moore's documentary, Bowling for Columbine. Weinstein told Howard Stern that his movie won't be a documentary, which will give him license to open both barrels on the NRA.

"No, I'm not going to get all in their face like Michael Moore," said Weinstein.

"I'm gonna do Moore one worse," he said. "I'm gonna sic a woman, i.e. Meryl "Thatcher" Streep on Mr. LaPierre and his gang of gun toters," said a jubilant Weinstein.

Weinstein was mum on exactly how he was going to blast away at the NRA and LaPierre, but he made sure everyone at the press conference knew that he (Weinstein) meant business.

"I don't own a gun, and I see no reason to have guns in this country," said Weinstein.

"It is this very premise that will come across loud and clear in my movie, and I've got just the woman to carry the message across," he said.

Meryl Streep could not be reached for comment, and her personal secretary was given strict orders not to comment on the upcoming project. However, some people are speculating that Weinstein is casting Meryl Streep in the role of President Hillary Clinton, a tough leader who has just the right stuff to destroy the NRA.

Weinstein says he's had enough of LaPierre and the NRA gun lobbyists.

"I'm gonna take them down, buddy, and I won't need firearms to do it," said Weinstein, "just a camera, a very tough woman, and the facts," said Weinstein.

Stern, a gun owner himself, was quick to point out that Weinstein had just as much right to make a movie against guns as he, Stern, had to own one, but, in typical Stern fashion, Weinstein was asked,

"So, Harve, will Meryl have any nude scenes in the movie?"

Spousal Rape: An Old Wife's Tale

Old wives and not-so-old wives from around the globe are chiming in on VA State Senator Richard "Dick" Black's assessment on rape in the marital bedroom. Black claims that rape in the bedroom is not a punishable crime due to the fact that the couple sleep together and well, dammit, the man is entitled to take what is his.

Marilyn Notsfast, an old housewife from Roanoke, VA gave her reasons why she says Black is right, just not in a logical sense. It must be noted that for years, Notsfast's neighbors have thought the kindly old widow a pleasure to be around but not that bright. But as her story unfolds, we can see the woman is, to quote George W. Bush, sorely mis-underestimated.

"Hell, us old wives made up that tale about going to jail for rape to scare our husbands off'n our sorry, beat up bodies because we'd had enough of their whining about not getting enough," she said.

"Truth be told, the only reason we put out in the first place is to get some bread and egg money ev'ry Friday night on paydays," she acknowledged. 

But Notsfast, a self-proclaimed 'divorced' widow going on eight years now said her then husband Harvey, was a hard one to please.

"He was a sly one, that Harvey," said Marilyn.

"He caught on real fast that I didn't have that many headaches, and when his dry-humping the pillows next to me didn't get my attention, he'd just start taking, as Harvey crowed to his poker buddies, what was rightfully his."

Marilyn said he took his share one too many times, and she said he also took a few things from her that she wasn't willing to give, "namely my self-esteem, my love for love-making, and most of all, my reason for living," said the 68-year old Notsfast.

"...and that's when he got a nighttime cock-tail that helped him sleep real good."

Notsfast isn't afraid to tell her tale now that Dick Black has told his.

"I ain't afraid to tell you what happened that night when I snapped, and I'll tell you why," she said.

"Two reasons. First of all, he had it coming to him for many a year, and like I said to the po-lice when they asked me if I had anything to do with his death. I told them, 'nope. He dun it all to hisself.'"

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

New Pot Laws May Save/Destroy Education System in America

Ed. Note: While there is irony in this story, it is meant to be read as a real commentary and not as satire. Hence, no picture is necessary... as most of us know what pot looks like by now.

After seeing how much money Colorado made in just the first week of implementing its law allowing the use of recreational marijuana, New Hampshire is hurrying through legislation of its own with a vote scheduled today.

With a hefty 25% state tax, coupled with the usual 2.9% state sales tax on recreational marijuana, Colorado is finally looking at enough money to re-vamp its entire educational system. Washington state will follow later this year, and now several other states are hurrying through legislation to legalize recreational marijuana to attain the same goal.

The latest to vote on making recreational marijuana legal in their state is New Hampshire. A hastily put-together bill is scheduled to take place today, where it is expected to eke by, but still pass. At that point, New Hampshire will be the third state to make up to an ounce of recreational marijuana legal to possess.

That is, unless the Governor of New Hampshire makes good on her promise. Governor Maggie Hassan has vowed to veto the bill if it passes the Senate and House. New Hampshire may be in for a long legal battle as a goodly portion of the citizens of New Hampshire see a way out of educational poverty for their state.

The irony in all this is the fact that all the new marijuana laws hitting the books have strong language in them prohibiting the sale or use of marijuana in and around public school facilities, and excludes anyone under the age of 21 from purchasing marijuana.

So what we're seeing is a rush to make the recreational use of marijuana legal in this country so that the money made on the sales can go directly toward making our schools some of the top learning institutions in the world.

Yet, anyone caught with the substance within a specified area of a public school can still be arrested for possession, and, I suppose, this is supposed to ensure that our children won't become potheads. Wild, no?

It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the state and around the country as more and more states and cities look to marijuana as the single-most important commodity to bring them out of the red and into the green.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Shortage of Adult Gummy Vitamins Causing Texans to Act Childish

Fred F. Stone--It tastes yucky!
A shortage of a certain brand of adult gummy vitamins has Texans scrambling across state borders to get their fill before other states run out.

The vitamins, called "Big People Daily Dose" have been missing from pharmacy shelves for the past two weeks and the adults who have become hooked on the vitamins are showing signs of withdrawal.

Doctors claim the vitamins contain a certain compound that, when not taken regularly, can cause adults to become "backed up" and the only way to get things running smoothly again is to either take more Big People Daily Dose vitamins or drink prune juice. Most adults balk at the latter suggestion.

"It tastes yucky," said Fred F. Stone, a crane operator who works at a stone quarry near Austin, after being asked if he has even tried prune juice before.

"Yeah," he said, arms folded across his chest defiantly. "Prune juice tastes yucky and I don't want to drink it." Stone's wife, Wilma, confirms this.

"He's driving me crazy. I've never been able to get him to eat his vegetables, and now this. Those vitamins practically saved my marriage, and now it's tearing it apart," she said. Her neighbor, Betty, is having the same problem with her husband.

Other adults interviewed had the same reaction.

"We just want our gummy vitamins back," said Nancy Nunez, who says she has been using the Big People Daily Dose vitamins now for almost two years and can't imagine taking any other brand.

"I love the flavor cherry," said Nancy, "and these are the only vitamins that have more cherry ones than any other flavors." Nunez admits trading lime and orange flavored vitamins for the cherry ones with her fellow gummy vitamin junkies.

Nunez told reporters that most adult gummy vitamin flavors taste so artificial but the Big People Daily Dose vitamins taste as real as eating a real piece of fruit.

Then why don't the people craving these vitamins just go out and buy some fruit and eat it?

"Because," said Fred Stone. "It tastes yucky."

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley

Dennis Rodman is alive and, at present, sober after being found face down in a small mud puddle in an alleyway adjacent to the Pyongyang stadium where he sang "Happy Birthday" to N. Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday.

Sources close to Rodman claim the washed up basketball player drank heavily the night of his birthday tribute. Rodman found out the hard way that in North Korea, if you drink heavily, you are on your own, regardless of whether or not you resemble Marilyn Monroe in any way.

No one, especially the leader, would speak to Rodman after his 15th shot of Andong soju (a distilled liquor from the city of the same name), and Un ordered Rodman be stripped naked (Un is said to have an affinity for the 50+ Rodman's rock-hard abs) and left alone to wander the streets of Pyongyang.

Un then advised his soldiers that if Rodman found his way to Un's supreme bedroom, they were to leave the two alone so that Rodman could rest. A "do not disturb" sign was hastily scribbled on the back of a Korean take-out box and placed on Un's door. Un's wife was ordered to sleep on the supreme couch that evening.

However, Rodman never made it back to the supreme palace and instead, was found naked and semi-conscious in the alleyway still singing parts of the birthday song, changing it only slightly to indicate he was wishing himself a happy birthday and not the Supreme Leader.

Rodman was finally brought to the only hospital in Pyongyang, where he was ordered to vomit or be killed. Rodman reportedly vomited and is now confirmed to be sober enough to realize he may be in serious trouble with the Supreme Leader if he doesn't come up with a quick basketball analogy to explain his actions over the past few days.

Friday, January 10, 2014

New Marijuana Laws Spur Highest Home Prices in Years

New numbers have come out in the housing sector, indicating that in the next year, the states of Washington and Colorado will have the highest number of home sales in the country. Some other states are not too far behind. What makes these states so successful? Analysts say it is the passage of laws these past few years making the use of medicinal marijuana finally legal.

In Washington and Colorado, especially, new laws make it legal to possess and use small amounts of recreational marijuana. It is for this reason, folks from all over the United States are flocking to those states to live in blissful freedom from archaic laws blocking the use of marijuana.

Mobile home lots and vacant land sales in Washington and Colorado alone are poised to skyrocket as Boomers (folks in their 50s and 60s) pick up sticks and move to the new promised land.

Marigold Sunshine Parker has been running the family’s mobile home/trailer park in Hudson, Colorado for going on three decades. She was one of the first people to light up on January 1st without fear of being arrested.

“Finally,” said Parker, 65, a self-proclaimed flower child from way back..

“I had to become a grandma before I could smoke a doobie legally, but I made it,” she said, her long arthritic fingers barely able to grip the joint she was relishing.

Parker, part American Indian from the Shoshone Tribe, stated simply, “It’s a good day to toke.”

“All these years I was barely scraping by, my ailments getting worse, doctor's bills piling up," she said.

“Now that pot is legal, I can grow my own and treat myself with fewer doctor visits. On top of that, I’m selling property like crazy. When it rains, it pours," she chuckled, her blue eyes twinkling beneath an even bluer Colorado sky.

Parker says that she now has a waiting list for homes in her 55+ adult mobile home community with park-like setting due to the high (no pun intended) demand from folks like her wanting to come live in the land of the free.

“And the community get-togethers are so much more groovy, now,” she beamed.

“We’re like kids again,” she said, putting down her joint and taking another bite of a brownie her neighbor Aspen brought over that morning, and washing it down with some home-made herbal tea.

According to last year’s records, it seems to be that way all over the state. Not only are trailer parks filling up to capacity, but sales of single-family homes, condos, co-ops and even small recreational cabins in both Washington and Colorado have almost tripled in price.

Major home builders are taking notice as well, opening local offices and designing homes that fit more in line with the "hippie" lifestyle many boomers are wishing to re-live.

Tony Landson, chief architect at New Horizon Homes out of Providence, Rhode Island, says his company has just opened an office in Denver. Landson says he has been asked to design several models, complete with built-in sun rooms and gardens where marijuana can thrive year-round in Denver. He claims more companies are doing the same.

As word spreads of the economic uptick due to these new marijuana laws, more and more states are taking notice, which makes the boomers in America very happy.

Hi and Lois Baxter of Chico, California, have worked hard for years to get a ballot measure passed in their state paving the way to becoming the next state to legalize recreational pot. And while medicinal marijuana has been legal in California for years, Hi says it is high time the good people of California were able to smoke their pot out in the open and not just those who have medical problems.

"Imagine," said Hi, who is unfortunately fit as a fiddle, "growing my own pot in my own back yard," he said wistfully, while his wife, Lois, just rolled her eyes and smiled.

"That's all he's been talking about for the past three, four years now," said Lois.

Dan “Big Dan” Olsen, 63, of Yakima Bluffs Home Sales in Yakima, Washington, likened this latest housing boom to the gold rush of 1869.

“Who knew pot would be the one thing that brought so many Americans back out West to help re-build this part of the nation?

Dan then pumped his fist into the air signaling solidarity and yelled “Rock on dudes,” before excusing himself to go about tending to his indoor herb garden.

In a related story, Florida was just named the most unfriendly place to relocate by AARPPG (American Association of Retired Persons and Pot Growers) due to its continuing strict anti-marijuana laws. Real estate prices there are expected to remain flat until enough signatures are obtained and a measure is put on the ballot making medicinal marijuana legal in that state.

 AARPPG warns that Florida could lose its status as the best place to retire if the measure isn't placed on the ballot. So far, supporters of the law say they have the required number of signatures on a petition to accomplish this, but fear the powers that be in Tallahassee will find some reason to strike the petition down.

However, with the latest news about the housing sector being positively influenced by the passage of marijuana laws in the other states, Florida is looking more and more like another proving ground for making marijuana legal.

Bumper stickers are popping up all over Florida urging Governor Rick Scott and his supervisor of elections to allow the bill on the ballot by stating "Don't Bogart that Bill, My Friend--Pass it!"

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Adam Lambert Likes the Feel of Dead Animal Around His Neck

Adam Lambert Instagram
Adam Lambert, runner-up on Season 8 of American Idol fame, was spotted throughout the streets of New York the past few days sporting a very warm and cozy looking coat with what appeared to be one or possibly more large dead raccoons attached at the neck.

Upon closer inspection (after having chased down Lambert for several blocks on a somewhat icy NY sidewalk) a cameraman confirmed that, indeed, it was raccoon, but could not determine how many or the location where the animal(s) were harvested for this particular coat.

The paparazzi screamed at Lambert to stop or he'd report him to PETA, and Lambert slowed down enough to answer this question lobbed at him, "Hey Adam, do you like the feel of dead animal around your neck?

Lambert, quite possibly feeling like a deer caught in the cross-hairs, quickly answered back "Well, yeah, I guess," and kept moving, thus avoiding having his lovely coat splattered with fake animal blood.

While knowing that Adam Lambert likes the feel of dead animals around his neck isn't particularly newsworthy, he hasn't done anything else lately that is. If he does surface again above the radar, we will hopefully get the news to you faster than a PETA activist can say "How many animals had to die to keep you warm today?"

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Haiti Uses US Aid Money to Help Bail Out Bankrupt Detroit

In what is being hailed as the most ironic turn of events of 2013, Haiti has sent the first $15M of a promised $130M to the City of Detroit in hopes of saving the city from going completely belly under.

In September of 2013, it was announced that the beleaguered city could count on $300M in federal and private funds to help the city while it undergoes a Chapter 11 reorganization. A mere drop in the bucket when it comes to the billions it will eventually take to totally bring Detroit back around and running again as one of America's top Midwest cities.

What many people don't know, however, is that some of that $300M is coming from the tiny island nation of Haiti, a country that itself is not a stranger to overwhelming financial woes especially after the massive earthquake it suffered in 2010.

How, you ask, can a nation so enmeshed in poverty afford to send $130M to Detroit? Funny thing. Haiti received such an outpouring of financial help from countries from all over the world, including the United States, that they ended up with too much money on their hands. So much so that the President of Haiti, Michel Martelly is trying to find projects on which to spend the overage, instead of seeing it slowly being siphoned off and finding its way into the wrong hands in Haiti.

Martelly claims that he has ultimate control over the money but somehow, it has been dwindling fast as more and more corrupt politicians under his house of control have found ways to misappropriate the funds for personal gain, and Martelly has had enough of it.

"Why help Detroit and not your own people?" Martelly was asked when announcing his generous offer.
Martelly answered by asking his own questions.

"Why do you have so much money in the United States and don't help your own people? Why do you have women and children sleeping in the streets, begging for food, undernourished and undereducated? Why do some parts of America look exactly like Haiti, albeit in a less tropical climate?"

These were questions no one could answer easily, especially then Detroit Mayor, Dave Bing. Martelly's questions moved Bing to accept the money.

Martelly added another reason for helping Detroit. "First and foremost, I'm a musician. I love good music, and seeing the Motor City, Motown, die like this? Well, it's a horrible death, and I cannot in all good conscience see that happen."

So, to this day, Martelly stands with Smokey Robinson and scores of other musicians who have turned their music into money that they hope will someday bring Detroit back from the depths of debt.

But, Martelly warned Bing, "You mess with me, and you may, one day, be calling Port-au-Prince the Po-Town Music Sound, leaving Motown in the dust."