Thursday, October 31, 2013

Breast Cancer Group Pulls Off Huge End to Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Just when we all thought the National Breast Cancer Foundation had topped itself this month by talking the White House into “glowing pink” for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, many witnessed a rare treat in the western sky on October 31 to mark the end of the month-long campaign against one of the worst diseases to strike women all over the world.

“Look, mommy,” said Samantha Jones, a first grader at Long Island Elementary School to her mother, pointing at the sky around dusk. “It’s a giant pink boobie.” Indeed, what Samantha was seeing was a giant pink breast shining in the western sky reminding everyone just how huge a problem breast cancer is.

“We wanted to go out with a bang,” claims the foundation’s manager in charge of public relations, who admitted the foundation was getting some negative feedback from some folks who claim that there was just too much pink this year.

“We were told by quite a few people that while they were behind finding a cure for breast cancer, they had about enough of the pink for everything from t-shirts and mugs to pink glow-in-the-dark gummy breasts” (a specialty item made for several bachelorette parties for the rich).

Sure, lighting the White House in a rosy glow was a pretty huge feat,” said Johanna Whitcomb, “but the large pink breast glowing from space, well, we when we were approached by a company by the name of Hugh G. Productions and told they could pull this off, we had no doubts that it could and should be done.”

Whitcomb says that by and large, the reaction to shining a huge pink breast in the western sky was positive. She did admit that a few mothers called to tell us that it was a bit over the top, especially since there would be young impressionable male children who might witness the event, “but overall,” she said, “we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shine the largest breast we could to remind everyone that this is a huge, huge problem.”

Asked if Whitcomb could say what is in store for next year’s event, she replied she could not.

“I mean, c’mon. Short of having the space shuttle pull a pink banner behind it on its next trip around the earth, I think we pretty well nailed it with the pink breast.”

We couldn’t agree more.


Physicists Denied Place in Guinness Book of World Records for Discovery

Ed. Note: Found another gem that I don't even remember writing, let alone figuring out what the hell I wrote. Just as well. We have enough geniuses in the world. I just like making stuff up.Let me know if you can figure it out.

Guinness Book of World Records adjudicator, Martin Cransky, was sent to Israel to certify that two Israeli physicists have achieved a world record of entangling or inextricably linking five light particles that possess what they call a “weird feature of superposition.” However, upon arrival and meeting with the Israeli researchers, Cransky was thoroughly convinced that there are just some world records that no one will ever get and putting them in a book is infinitely beneath them. In addition, the adjudicator admitted he didn’t understand a thing he was being told or shown.

Said Cransky, “Do you understand this statement, for instance: ‘Superposition exists only in the quantum world and is perhaps best known from the example of Schr√∂dinger’s cat.  Schr√∂dinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat sits in a closed box along with a radioactive substance that might, or might not, decay and break open a bottle of poison gas. Until the box is opened and its contents are observed, the cat exists in a superposition: it is both alive and dead at the same time.’ Well, neither do I, so how can I possibly grant these physicists a place in the Guinness Book of World Records when I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?”

The Israeli physicists were quite disappointed upon learning that their find, while lauded in the scientific community, will go largely unnoticed by the general public. One physicist had this to say “Here we are, day in and day out, working with photons and beam splitters, working and re-working laser angles to get just the right conditions to turn our hypotheses into realities, and what do we have to show for it? Not even a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records. Tell you what, why don’t I just take off my lab coat, put on a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Weiner” and enter one of those inane hot dog eating contests? Betcha that’d get me into the stupid book.”


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Ted Cruz Found Sobbing in Basement of D.C. Mexican Restaurant

Sources say that when Ted Cruz found out today he had singlehandedly taken down the Republican Party instead of the Democratic Party, the news caught him off guard. So much so that when it came time for him to vote on a measure in the Senate to keep the government open temporarily and raise the debt ceiling, he was nowhere to be found.

His friend, Jim DeMint, President of the Heritage Foundation and former U.S. Representative and Senator from South Carolina, finally located Cruz just as the House was getting ready to vote on the Senate measure. The measure was expected to win easily in the House, something Cruz was wont to deny.

“C’mon, Ted, it’s time to get yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again,” sang DeMint to a bemused and befuddled Cruz, lying in a corner of the Washington Mexican restaurant where just days before, he was boasting of taking over the White House majority and letting the government default on its bills.

“I let you down, I let Charlie and Dave down (referring to the Koch Brothers), heck I just about let everyone down, I guess,” said Cruz.

 “I don’t think I can ever face my colleagues again,” sobbed Cruz, wiping a tear from his eye, but tapping his toe just the same to DeMint’s catchy rendition of the Sinatra song, Pick Yourself Up.

“Sure you can,” responded DeMint. “Oh, they might be a little bit mad at you for a couple of days, but before you know it, you’ll be right back on top, back on top in June, or maybe sooner,” DeMint said as he launched into another feel-good song by Frank Sinatra (That’s Life) to cheer up his little buddy from Texas.

“So whaddaya say, Ted?" said DeMint as he handed his buddy an embroidered hankie.

"You ready to get up on your feet and get back over to Capitol Hill and see what we can do to start salvaging our Party before we get trashed too badly?


“S-s-s-sure, Jim,” said a happier Cruz, as the two politicians came out of the basement, arms locked together, singing Cruz’ favorite Sinatra tune, High Hopes.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Speaker of the House Replaced with Bellyacher of the House

Today, on Face the Nation with Cindy Crowley, John Boehner announced that he was giving up his gavel to Ted Cruz. Boehner says that Cruz has been running the show for a while now behind the scenes and is accomplishing much more that he (Boehner) has, so “why not?” in Boehner’s words.

“Besides, I’ve been missing getting outdoors and playing golf before the weather turns cold,” said Boehner, not realizing the irony in that last figurative statement as it applies to the present fight on Capitol Hill.

“Thank Goodness, Ted (Cruz) has agreed to take things over,” continued Boehner.

Boehner, not usually known for his sense of humor, even gave Cruz a new name, replacing Speaker of the House with Bellyacher of the House.

“It is much more appropriate in Representative Cruz’ case,” said Boehner. “I mean, you can’t deny the fact that he has complained more than any Representative we’ve had in office in recent memory, besides maybe Michele Bachmann.”

When asked why Boehner didn’t hand the gavel over to Bachmann, then, due to her seniority, Boehner replied, “Because she only whines to the media. It is almost impossible to get her to speak on the floor, partially because she was raised that women have their place, and they don’t speak down to men, be they members of her own party or Democrats, and mainly because she knows we think she’s batshit crazy.”


Asked what Boehner’s thoughts are on exactly why Ted Cruz has decided to hold the country’s economy hostage over his fight on Obamacare, Boehner, once again showing his typical equivocation on the issues, replied, “Oh is that what this is about? I thought it was just an ego thing. My bad.”

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Ted Cruz Re-enacts Own Version of Sermon on the Mount

Ted Cruz, emboldened by his 21 hour filibuster, has taken a spot on the steps of the House of Representatives this morning to re-enact his version of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. Though this re-enactment is an obvious violation of the concept of separation between church and state, Cruz has already crossed that boundary by kneeling in prayer in front of the White House last week.

Cruz’ sermon is not expected to last quite as long as his filibuster, but, being a man of many words, Cruz is expected to pray at least until he is either asked to leave, or has to empty his bladder, whichever comes first. However, it is suspected that to assure his ability to pray non-stop, the gentleman from Texas will have a small catheter inserted in his pee-pee.

Some of the sermon has been leaked by a not-so-faithful aide, and it is printed here to give you an idea just how close to the Sermon on the Mount Rep. Cruz comes when addressing his fellow lawmakers.

The Sermon begins as follows:

My fellow Republicans, just as Jesus started his sermon without further adieu, I will do so as well…Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, not the righteousness we think is righteousness, but you know, the righteousness I’ve been talking about now for about a week or so, that kind of righteousness;

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, i.e. me and a few of my colleagues, ‘cause we are definitely gonna get the kingdom in the end, you’ll see;

Blessed is me when they insult and persecute me, because I don’t deserve it, number one, and number two, bully on you because eventually I’ll win and might even eventually be voted in as Speaker of the House because, let’s face it, I do speak kind of well;

Don’t think I’ve come here to strike down and abolish the law, well, actually I am here to abolish Obamacare, but I have never accepted the fact that that law is legal even though it may have been passed in both Houses and affirmed by the Supreme Court, what I don’t get is how they did it and so, in my mind, yeah, I guess I have come here to strike down and abolish Obamacare…;

This gives you a feel for what Cruz will be harping on for the next several hours. He is expected to touch on the issues of meekness, something about being the salt of the earth, and time permitting, the Ten Commandments.

According to the errant aide, Cruz also will include a writing about himself in the form of Dr. Seuss, a part of which is as follows:

I stood in the House on that nice sunny day,
I asked all my colleagues if they wanted to play,
I stood there with Chambliss, Cornyn, and Blunt,
They all were behind me and my little stunt…


The sermon continues today, and will be reported on further upon its conclusion. In the meantime, don’t expect any real issues to be resolved by Congress in the coming days such as tougher gun laws or adequate funding for education for our youth, as Cruz and his band of disciples are determined to bring their message to their own mount, i.e. Capitol Hill.