Tuesday, April 16, 2013

North Korean Defense Contractor Retrofits Tanks to Accommodate Tiny Leader

Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un has been absent from the news for going on two weeks and rumors about his absence range from the fact that he got a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow back properly, ala Elvis style, to being heartbroken over the fact that he won’t allow Toyota to export their latest models to his country, thereby leaving him to continue driving an inferior 1997 Kia Rio to all major events.

However the truth was finally leaked this weekend when word got out that North Korea’s official defense contractor has been using up Un’s valuable time personally fitting him for his own personal line of defense weapons, from assault rifles, to assault tanks, to James Bond-type personal jet packs.

The issue of Kim Jong-Un’s size came up during Dennis Rodman’s visit to North Korea. Upon showing off for the former basketball great, it was discovered that Un could not reach the peddles on the tank or see over the steering wheel, resulting in an embarrassing moment when the tank the two compadres were riding in crashed into a squid stand, sending seafood flying into the marketplace.

While Rodman assured his BFF that size never really mattered, the accident left an emotional scar, not to mention the embarrassing walk back to Un’s Kia to drive back to the royal palace for a dinner of shrimp and wieners. No one had the guts to discuss the disastrous one-on-one basketball game between Un and Rodman before the tank incident either. Seems Un is only able to get the ball anywhere near the net by throwing it from between his legs like a 10-year old girl.

Thank God Rodman has been smart enough during the few games they’ve played to keep this tidbit to himself and compliment Un on his unique shooting skills.

With regards to the specially-fitted military weaponry, Reporters say they are looking forward to the unveiling, and Kim’s ability to operate the tank in a safer manner at an upcoming military parade where Rodman is expected to show up in full Korean military dress to honor the quirky, yet scariest little dictator to come along in a very long time.

When asked why he is returning to see the Supreme leader again, Rodman candidly let loose that he and Un had almost a Michael Jackson sleepover moment during his last visit that both thoroughly enjoyed.

“Last time I was there, we got out the camo blankets and draped them over chairs and other furniture in the living room and played Battleship for hours,” said Rodman, adding “I can’t remember when I’ve had such a great time. That little guy has a mind like a trap door. He is pretty darned adept at sinking my battleships.”

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un is said to be out shopping for Jeeps on the black market. China may have turned him away, but word has it that there are a couple of ex-pats living in Panama who are willing to sell him their 1950s Jeep Willy for a cool couple thousand. All it needs is a new tranny and it’ll be better than anything he’s seen so far in previous used-car shopping trips to Havana. Rodman is said to be excited as hell for the little North Korean dictator and is even shopping around for a Kim Jong Un bobble head for the dash once the deal’s been settled.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Message from Blog Owner

Hello devoted readers,

I have recently  been unable to write new material for my blog; however, I would hate to see you have to get your daily satire fix from a substandard blog. Therefore, I've determined that a reprisal of some of my earlier works will fit nicely in this spot until I can come up with more funny material.

I believe I have enough stories that deserve a second look anyway, so I've decided to try them out now. Each day, I will bring back an oldie but goodie and let you decide whether or not you love it even more the second time around.

So please feel free to let me know your preference. In the meantime, if there is a story you'd like me to bring back, I'll be happy to oblige.

In the meantime, thanks for your patience and understanding.

The Ed.

Radical New Self-Help Book Has Readers Beating Themselves Up

A new self-help book by previously unknown psychiatrist and author, Dom N. Adeur, Ph.D. is quickly making its way up the NY Times Bestseller List. It’s OK to Smack Your Inner Child has been hailed by Dr. Adeur’s peers as a ‘breakthrough book for adults who have nowhere else to turn but inside.’

Dr. Adeur explains that for too long, we’ve allowed our inner child to take control of our adult lives. In his book, Adeur often calls his inner child a “brat who needs a serious spanking.” He states, “We’ve allowed them (our inner brats) to purchase expensive homes we can’t afford, walk off perfectly fine jobs in the heat of a disagreement, and generally act out childishly when it comes to the relationships in our lives.”

Adeur claims that men, especially in romantic situations, have a tendency to let their inner child get the best of them, giggling when they see a well-endowed woman, grabbing for things that don’t belong to them, etc. He advises men that when they feel the urge to act inappropriately toward women, they should immediately “stop, slap themselves upside the head, and tell their inner child to ‘shut the fu*k up.’”

It is just this kind of hard-hitting advice that has the books flying off the shelves. “I’ve finally come to grips with my inner child,” said Hernando Rodriguez, who has suffered one failed relationship after another. “This book has changed my life. I now self-flagellate on a regular basis.”

Rodriguez’ fifth wife Chinchilla agrees. “Oh, he’s a big teddy bear now,” she said. “If I have just one criticism of the advice given in the book, it’s that my Hernando can’t touch me now without turning around and smacking himself. We’ve gotten used to it at home, and it has even added a little spice to our lovemaking. But, it is a bit of a problem when we go out,” she continued, “especially when he sees a pretty woman in public.”

It’s OK to Smack Your Inner Child is available in paperback and hardcover, but Dr. Adeur advises potential readers to purchase the hardcover version.

“If you truly want to get everything you can out of what I propose in this book, you need to purchase the hardcover version simply because there are several exercises in the book that require you stop and whack yourself in the head to get your inner child’s attention, and the paperback just doesn’t command as much respect.”