Monday, December 24, 2012

Santa Denied Access into Arizona on Christmas Eve

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County have joined forces this holiday season to make sure that Santa doesn’t invade their state without proper documentation. The move came about when Brewer was advised that many department stores in the state had hired undocumented workers to play Santa this year despite strict immigration laws recently enacted.

“Who wants to ask Santa for his papers?” said one store manager after being asked what he thought of Brewer’s decision to ban Santa from coming into Arizona.

“We have it on good authority that Santa’s passport has expired, as has his Visa,” said Charlotte Grinchley, Governor Brewer’s closest advisor. “For this reason, we are not taking any chances with anyone who sports a red suit and white beard in this state, including the original Santa,” said Grinchley.”

State governors from the other 49 states in the union have all signed special last-minute exceptions to allow Santa entry with the promise that he take care of the visa issue immediately come December 26th, but Brewer wasn’t budging.

While the North Pole, where Santa is officially from, is not owned by any country, and therefore anyone who lives there should be able to pass through the United States without a visa, Brewer isn’t buying it.

“If on foot, the man would have to pass through Canada and by doing so, he’d have to show a visa to lawfully enter the United States,” said a huffy Brewer, pointing her finger at her own Attorney General, who had put a piece of legislation in front of her to sign which would allow Santa entry into Arizona regardless of his immigration status.

“I’ve instructed Sheriff Joe to keep a close lookout on the skies tonight to make sure that undocumented jolly, fat elf doesn’t touch down anywhere in my state,” said Brewer.

So what are the kids of Arizona getting for Christmas if Santa Claus won’t be coming to town? No one knows, but it is pretty much a safe bet that Brewer and Arpaio will both be getting lumps of coal in their stockings.

Romney’s Latest Sophomoric Prank Cost GOP the White House

One of Romney's many prank photo ops

It was bad enough they spent a king’s ransom on trying to get him elected, but backers of Romney are now hearing stories of how he never wanted the job in the first place and how Romney himself had to be held back on election night as he tried several times prematurely to call Barack Obama and wish him much success in his second term.

All this while Florida Governor Rick Scott was furiously using last ditch efforts to swing the state of Florida in Romney’s direction.

Romney’s son Tagg came out on Sunday in an interview with the Boston Globe and claimed that his father never really even wanted to run for President. Feeling a bit sorry for the prank, Tagg told the newspaper that his father’s running was all his (Tagg’s) fault.

“Dad’s been a prankster all his life practically (we still secretly chuckle over that hair cutting incident). When the 2012 elections were nearing, we told Dad that it would be the biggest prank of his life to make the GOP think he was a good candidate,” said Tagg.

“I can’t tell you what was said in the various meetings leading up to my dad finally deciding to go for it, but suffice it to say, some key Republicans were left in the dark about my dad’s unwillingness to actually BE President.”

Tagg says at the time it seemed like the perfect prank that brought the family closer than it had ever been before.

“We were all in on it, even Mom. She was actually enjoying herself the most,” said Tagg. “She would get up on the stage and laugh and smile and no one had a clue that she was laughing because she knew Mitt was going to throw the race, so to speak.”

Tagg says they were rolling in the aisles in the last hours leading up to the elections watching Rick Scott scramble to take away as many voting rights as he could in hopes of Romney becoming President.

The eldest Romney also let fly a little secret that photos and videos leaked to the press that depicted his father as a bit heartless were actually just the Romney family’s way of dropping little hints that no one in the family had any intention whatsoever of giving up their lavish lifestyles to live on a President’s salary.

It was a hoot,” says Tagg. “I never realized politics could be this much fun. We were having the time of our lives, except for the occasional photo ops with idiots like Meatloaf and Ted Nugent,” he said.

“We’d have a race back to the tour bus for a quick shower to wash off what we called the “red neck.”

Newt Gingrich, however, isn’t laughing.

“I knew it all along. I tried to get people to listen, to understand that Mitt Romney wasn’t the man for the job; that it was all a big joke, but would they listen? Especially Shelly (Sheldon Adelson),” said Gingrich.

“Just when I had Shelly where I wanted him, a half-million shy of paying off my Tiffany’s credit card,” here comes old Mr. Prankster being his usual self. Did he care if I could possibly end up on the wrong end of an Obama welfare plan? Not in the least,” said a furious Gingrich on Face the Nation Sunday, who didn’t hold back his palpable dislike for the former GOP Presidential Candidate.

Meanwhile, Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan, when asked, said he knew nothing of the charade.

“All I know is that when I was running for Vice President, they called my positions on certain matters wonky and they continue to call my position on the fiscal cliff wonky. I want to know where the hell the word “wonky” came from and what the hell does it mean?”

Friday, December 21, 2012

Two Guns Don’t Make a (Second Amendment) Right

So, the NRA finally came out Friday with an official response to the shooing in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. They basically said we need more citizens armed with guns so that the good guys can take out the bad guys.

As far as I’m concerned, two guns don’t make a right. Imagine arming teachers if you will. As the gunman approaches, he/she has two options…make sure the kids are protected as quickly as possible from harm, or run to his/her desk leaving the kids to fend for themselves, unlock the drawer that holds the gun (all guns should be locked up when kids are around) and get the gun out and shoot the shooter with his/her single-shot handgun.

Meanwhile, the shooter, having emptied the 30 rounds in his semi-automatic rifle, has exchanged the clip with another 30 rounds and is halfway down the hall looking for another classroom to victimize.

I find the whole idea of arming teachers ludicrous. While having an armed guard at every school may cut down on shooting attempts, it won’t stop that one gunman who doesn’t care if he’s shot to death trying to take out as many victims as he can before being stopped.

And the kids? Well, they now have to live in a world where one of the first people they see when they go into school in the morning is an armed guard in full riot gear, holding a semi-automatic rifle (after all, it’s the fire power that makes the difference), not smiling but standing ever vigilant against the next mentally ill person to try and get past him. It’s almost like the movies, only realer.

Bottom line, no guns, no deaths. Two guns don’t make it right. That’s all I have to say about the matter.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Most Church Leaders Not Looking Forward to Rapture

A recent survey of religious leaders from hundreds of Christian churches across the nation indicates a startling fact…they are not really looking forward to the Rapture. For those who have been hiding under a rock for the past 150 or so years, the Rapture is to occur during the second coming of Christ when true believers are swept up to escape the tribulation, or something like that.

Anyway, who knew that some Christian leaders are not so keen on the idea of a rapture of their congregations?

“We were looking forward to donations from these folks for at least a few more years,” said Father James David of the Apostolic Christian Christ’s Holy Christian Temple in Farnsmore, Indiana.

“We’ve been counting on renovating the Church basement since last spring when the sump pump went out and de-lectrified all our appliances and left a gaping hole in the middle of the dining hall.”

Other pastors who completed the survey had similar tales of woe. “You can’t do God’s work if God’s taking the money to heaven,” claimed one particularly distraught minister from Minnesota who admits the time just seemed to get away from him and he hadn’t realized the end times were upon us.

“Not to worry,” says one Biblical scholar who has been studying the Bible for years.

“While we don’t want to jump to any conclusions just yet, it would appear that the ‘rapture’ as it is being taught today is merely a made-up event to keep us Christians on the straight and narrow.”

This scholar warns us against false prophesies and assures everyone that the chances of a parishioner getting hit by a bus or dying of a heart attack are far more likely than them being swept up by Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior.

According to his research, the word rapture doesn’t even appear in the King James version of the Bible and in fact, the doctrine of the rapture may have first been propagated by an English Presbyterian preacher named Edward Irving in the 1830’s.

One Baptist minister from Oklahoma, however, claims he has no problems whatsoever with the rapture, as he has already planned ahead one way or the other.

“I ain’t taking no chances. I’ve got all my parishioners’ promises in writing to leave everything they own to the Church before they go to the great beyond,” which begs the question…if the pastor believes in the rapture, and more importantly, if he’s swept up to heaven with Jesus, who’ll be left to spend it?

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Pennsylvania Woman Hospitalized After Opening Gift Box Shipped by Sister

Helen Sewickly from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is resting comfortably in Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Memorial Hospital after receiving cuts and lacerations while opening a box she received from her sister Hermoine from Hershey. A family spokesperson says that the box was packed so tight that when the packing tape was removed from the top, the contents of the box sprang up into Helen’s face causing non-life-threatening injuries.

 “I always knew something like this would happen sooner or later,” said Helen from her comfortable hospital bed, one eye still swollen shut.

“Hermoine has always prided herself for getting the most things in the smallest amount of space. I remember a couple of summers ago she was moving some of her things into a storage unit over at Honest Abe’s Store ‘n More, and even Abe couldn’t believe how much stuff that girl stuffed into his smallest unit, a 3 x 5 ft. space. 

“Who knew mattresses could bend like that.”

Winnie Spurlock, a family friend who happened to be visiting Helen, shook her head in agreement. 

“I remember when the Post Office came up with those pre-priced priority shipping boxes,” said Winnie. 

“Hermoine even came up with a jingle for them that went something like: ‘If it fits, it ships…’”

“That’s the rhyme from the commercial you ding-a-ling,” said Helen as she wiped a bit of dribble from her lacerated lip.

Ms. Swickly is expected to spend another day in the hospital for observation but is otherwise expected to make a full recovery and make it back home in time for Christmas.

Meanwhile, her brother, Herbert has been notified not to take any chances. His box from Hermoine is tucked away in a corner of his garage until he gets the go ahead from his sister that it is safe to open.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Still Plenty of Time to Buy For Christmas - Net's Best Satire, Vol. I Now Available Online

At Discounted Price

Book Review (Short Version)

Sure, it's a great book because two of my stories appear in it, but if we're being honest, there are other satire writers out there who are equally as talented as me. Ok--more talented than me. Oh alright, stop twisting my arm--INFINITELY more talented than me.

But that just makes it that much more important to get your copy of this hilarious book today. You'll be happy you did.

Net's Best Satire, Vol. I is also available on Barnes & Noble website and wherever else great ebooks are downloaded.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Native Tribe Rumored to Know Pathway into Inner Earth

The rumor that inner earth is a paradise--known only to those who know about it--is true. So says one insider who claims that although he will not divulge where the opening is, he can say that it is now being utilized by an Arctic tribe who has been preparing the area for the end of the earth as we know it for going on three years.

Banana, peach, guava, citrus trees as far as the eye can see, hundreds of varieties of vegetables, lakes stocked with several species of edible fish, and enough game and fowl to feed the approximately 20,000 inhabitants for many, many years are said to be in place at this location, which is believed to be situated almost 700 miles below the earth’s surface.

Joshua Cane, a Harvard paleobotanist, has been studying the mythical world of Concha Terra for going on thirty years now and says that up until recently, it was just that…mythical.

“The news of this tribe readying Concha Terra for purposes of surviving a catastrophic event on the earth’s surface is not only one of the more interesting things I’ve heard lately,” said Cane, “but I tend to want to believe it due to the fact that there are too many similarities between what I’ve learned over the years and the small amount of information gleaned from the insider’s cryptic announcement.”

Cane was quick to point out that Concha Terra is not related in any way to the Hollow Earth so many Arctic explorers (including the infamous Admiral Byrd) and new age followers believe exists below the Arctic Circle.

“Evidently, this place is real. It exists and it is being utilized as we speak as a bunker by the tribe known only as ‘the Meek,’” said Cane, “who claims that the reason no one can find the place is that this tribe has also retained the ancient knowledge of being able to float above the earth instead of walking on it, allowing them to visit Concha Terra without leaving tracks in the snow.”

“Wishful thinking,” claims Jerry Newberry, a Scientologist from Nome, Alaska. “These rumors have been around for decades and every lead has turned up more false information.”

Newberry claims that even if such a place existed, it would be almost impossible to ready it for living conditions due to its depth. However, Cane disagrees with Newberry citing evidence that there are natural vacuums located just 20 miles below the surface that whisk the native Conchans to the inner sanctum within minutes.

Unfortunately, Cane’s interview was cut short by two men in lab coats who came to let Cane know it was time for his medication. Newberry was told to come along as well, as was their fellow patient known only as “the Insider.” 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

John Boehner Suffering from ‘Walking Nervous Breakdown’

W-we s-still d-don't h-have
a d-deal....

Sources close to the White House say that they would have a debt deal today if it weren’t for the obstinate stand by John Boehner in refusing to allow even the most reasonable plan to come up for vote in the House.

No one in their right mind would let the country fall over the fiscal cliff, especially since both sides are pretty close to a deal, but it seems that may be just what Boehner is intending.

“And that,” says one physician who has been treating Boehner for other small ailments, “may be because John is suffering from what we call in the medical industry a ‘walking nervous breakdown.”

Dr. Henry Jefferson, who takes care of Boehner in Washington, explained that just like people can walk around with pneumonia and not know it, i.e. walking pneumonia, there are many people walking around with mental breakdowns and aren’t aware anything is seriously wrong with them.

“They appear to act normally, but small signs to the trained physician eye can give them away. A small eye twitch, a bit more slur in the speech pattern, an obstinate unwillingness to compromise, these are all signs of walking nervous breakdown.

Asked if gone untreated, it would develop into a full blown neurosis, the doctor said that it was difficult to say. He did comment on the fact that he hadn’t seen Boehner cry in a while and that is always a good sign, but that if things kept going the way they are, it wouldn’t be long before he’d be back blubbering like a baby again.

“All I can tell you is that I’ve advised Mr. Boehner that he should seriously consider getting this debt thing wrapped up as soon as possible, regardless of whether or not he pleases everyone in his bunch, because if he doesn’t, it very well could lead to a complete nervous breakdown.”