Monday, November 26, 2012

Sheldon Adelson Receives Worst Investor of the Year Award

Vegas Billionaire Sheldon Adelson knows how to make money and he knows how to spend it, or so his financial advisors thought until they finished counting all the beans in the jar. Seems Adelson spent just a little too much on something that turned out not to be such a sure bet after all—the Romney/Ryan Campaign.

Because of the huge amount he dumped on Romney’s failed bid for President (not to mention the millions he spent on Newt Gingrich’s failure to launch during the primaries), he has just been named Worst Investor of the Year by financial radio host Clark Howard. Howard says Adelson beat out Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers by a few shekels.

It was damned near impossible keeping Adelson from spending huge amounts of money according to his personal assistant. 

“Last year it was all about the Jewish people,” said Amanda Hockencourt, one of Adelson’s closest advisers. 

“To his way of thinking, there just weren’t enough Jewish comedians on television after Seinfeld folded, and he was spending copious amounts of money on getting another show up and running that would make him laugh when he needed to laugh”

“That plan failed miserably,” said Hockencourt. “Just look at this year’s sitcom lineup. Not a winner in the bunch.” (Sources close to Adelson say he quit when he realized the best he might be able to come up with was Sacha Baron Cohen).

 While it is only a fraction of what Adelson is actually worth, Hockencourt said Shelly had to know he was throwing good money after bad both on his bid for the next Seinfeld and later when he decided to back Newt Gingrich and other failing Republicans.

Even an idiot knows when to quit,” said Hockencourt, off the record of course.

Hockencourt stated that the real spending started when Romney did so well on the first debate.

“He’s a lying fool, that Romney,” Adelson was heard telling his financial adviser on the phone. “We can’t lose with him in there taking politicking to new lows.”

Evidently Adelson was dead wrong.

Speaking of Karl Rove, he picked up an award of his own—Most Despised Leader—by the supporters of his Super PAC, American Crossroads. Seems a majority of the people who gave money to Rove to spend on this year’s election are re-thinking their own investments in the losing campaign of not only Mitt Romney but other big losers, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, the two Senate hopefuls who had problems keeping their misogynistic thoughts to themselves.

“To make a long story short, the losers made the losers winners,” said Howard while discussing Adelson’s less than adept handling of money. Howard claims he shipped a gold-plated trophy in the likeness of a Monopoly $500 bill to Adelson in time for Hanukkah.

In related news, Donald Trump, unhappy that he didn’t make it to the top of the losers list, announced yesterday that he is firing his financial adviser, his campaign adviser, and vows to never again play Monopoly with his grandchildren. 

PolitiFacts reports that Trump did not, as previously reported, fire his hair stylist.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Secret to Mayan Calendar Revealed

We are now just about a month away from the end of the world, and how do we know this? Because we have a Mayan calendar that predicts it. At least, that is what a large portion of humans around the world believe.

According to various readings of the ancient calendar, the earth will undergo catastrophic changes on December 21, 2012. Either that or the changes will be for the better. It’s all according to whom you ask.

However, one scientist says both sides are wrong. While the calendar does appear to end on 12/21/12, in reality, there is a perfectly logical reason for that.

“The person who kept the calendar going way back when died,” said historian Greta Shushkind, “and when the next person took over the task, he wasn’t as, shall we say, ‘married to his job’ as the first Mayan timekeeper. Within a week or two of taking the job, the replacement timekeeper decided to walk away, leaving the calendar to fizzle out on December 12, 2012.”

Shushkind says by the time anyone noticed the missing astronomer, too many celestial events had passed unrecorded. For that reason, she believes the gloomy date is nothing more than a result of shoddy record keeping.

“Odds are pretty good that on December 22, there will still be last-minute shoppers clogging the malls, making parking a nightmare and having quite a few people wishing for an end to the madness, but end of the world as we know it? Hardly.”

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Honey Boo Boo Ups Salary Demand to Include Twinkies

I ain't doing nuthin' till I get my Twinkies

Alana Thompson, the child star of the reality hit (by the lowest standards possible) series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was told on Friday that her favorite snack food, Twinkies, were no longer going to be sold in stores and she was going to have to find another sweet treat to get her through the day.

“No mama no!” screamed the pint-sized puddin’ pop when told she could only have Little Debbie Cloud Cakes instead. “I hate those durned thangs,” she was quoted as saying before locking herself in her own private dressing room. Honey threatened to stay in there unless the show’s producers promised to add Twinkies to her salary demands.

“It got loud in there, real loud,” said June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom. “We tried everything…7-11 brownies, Dunkin Munchkins, even Moon Pies, which is my personal favorite,” said the distraught mother.

“I was so desperate, I went home and baked a yellow cake yesterday, but I ate it before I could get it in front of her,” she said.

Honey Boo Boo’s show may be cancelled if the producers don’t come up with some Twinkies, and fast.

“Right now, we are negotiating with a seller on eBay to buy a dozen boxes of Twinkies for about $200,000. That should get us through at least three or four more tapings, and then we don’t know what we are going to do,” said May Wortheimer, assistant production manager. She agreed with Shannon that they couldn’t even buy the beauty queen off with moon pies.

“It is that serious,” said Wortheimer.

“If we don’t do something soon,” said Shannon, “we may have to enlist the services of a good pastry chef to see if he can whip up something to bring my baby out of her sugar slump, otherwise, our gravy train is gonna leave the station empty.”

Meanwhile, the closing of the Hostess Plant has lovers of another brand scrambling for the last boxes of Drakes Cakes on the planet. Ring Dings, Yodels and Devil Dogs are soon to disappear from even eBay, leaving folks to wonder how we ever got along without Hostess.

In related business news, today Little Debbie dropped flyers from helicopters advertising their abundance of sweet treats at area supermarkets. So far, it has had little effect, and the competitor is scratching its head wondering what is so different about their bakery snack treats.

Executives at Little Debbie are hinting at closing their doors as well to see how much a box of their Nutty Bars could fetch on the black market.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Obama Schedules Haters Beer Summit

President Obama has asked the White House kitchen staff to order up a couple cases of Texas’ best Shiner Bock and to “make some of those delicious wiener puffs and cheez whiz thingies” for a special beer summit he is planning within the next two weeks.

“I know my re-election for some, especially folks who live in the redder states, is a tough pill to swallow, so I’m inviting them here for a beer summit to see if we can find some common ground,” said the ever-optimistic Commander-in-Chief.

Obama admits the first beer summit (between a black Harvard professor and the white police officer who arrested him) wasn’t exactly a success as neither party showed signs of changing their stands and accepting any apologies, but he is sure of one thing.

“Beer is the universal language of men,” said the President. “Give a guy a free beer and he has to do two things…(1) he has to drink it, and (2) he has to at least acknowledge the guy who bought it for him. Those are the rules of buying a round.”

“Not so fast” said Texas governor Rick Perry upon learning of the beer summit.

“Oh, he may get us to the White House on the promise of free beer, but I guarantee he ain’t gonna like what we have to say once we get a few rounds in us.”

Perry was likely referring to his upcoming agenda to ignore certain mandates of Obamacare as well as lead other states in their threat to secede from the union. It appeared that Perry and others may accept the invitation to the Haters Beer Summit simply to “cop a buzz from the President, and that’s about it” as Florida Governor Rick Scott put it.

This didn’t seem to deter Obama one bit, however.

“Not a problem,” said the confident President.

“If the Haters Beer Summit takes a nasty turn for the worse,” he said, “we’ve already come up with a Plan B. We’ll just spin it as a Good-Bye/Good Luck Party for all those who wish to secede because honestly, it’s the best idea they’ve had all year.”

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Christian Coalition Torn between Hating Obama and Fearing Armageddon

The elections are over, Obama has won decisively, and now the Christian Coalition is at a crossroads. 

Founder Pat Robertson says that these days he is finding it difficult to re-focus on the Apocalypse because he had faith that Romney would win and “that would be the end of the political nonsense,” as he puts it.

“We worked hard to get this country back in shape, elect a good leader, and move on toward our most important message which is “get ready for the day of judgment, but it didn’t happen,” said a deeply troubled Robertson.

Robertson says he has been receiving many phone calls and letters asking him “Pat, what do I do now? Do we continue to hate Obama or start stocking up for the end days?”

“I tell them that at this point in time it is just too soon after the elections and for right now, they can take a few days to hate their President, and then when the numbness and anger wears off a little, they can go back to stocking their weapons and building their bunkers.”

Robertson apologized publicly for his feelings. 

“I’m genuinely sorry that I am having such a hard time getting past the fact that Obama was re-elected that I can’t be there whole-heartedly for my followers,” said Robertson with a noticeable heavy heart.

Robertson just wants his followers to know this “I am fully aware that the world as we know it is going to end on December 21, 2012, and we need to get cracking if we are gonna beat this thing and get ourselves ready for the rapture, but try as I might, I can’t help thinking that my own world ended on November 6, 2012 at approximately 11:15 eastern standard time.”

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Obama Was Already a Winner!

He's still our President and today, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. He's got our backs.


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Yes We Did in 2008 and Yes We Will in 2012

No joking around today, folks. Obama is the best man for President. He's done a remarkable job this past four years under the worst of circumstances. He cares about America. He cares about you and me.

Please, if you do nothing else this year, go to the polls on Tuesday and vote to allow him to serve us four more years. You won't be disappointed.

And, if you can, especially those of you in swing states, give a few hours of your time leading up to the election and make some calls. It's not hard and it could make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for your time and thanks for putting up with my sarcasm this election season.

P. Beckert
One of Obama's Biggest Supporters

Friday, November 2, 2012

Where Are All the Obama Signs?

One Florida Woman's Retirement Fund

ORLANDO, FL - Several Florida residents are scratching their heads and wondering why there is a dearth of Obama signs in the Orlando area.

Janie Collins, a 27-year old volunteer with the Obama campaign says she has gotten the same question from several of her supporter friends.

“At first we were like ‘man we are screwed’ when we couldn’t find any signs in anyone’s yards to indicate support for the President. But then I finally figured it out,” said Collins.

“They aren’t being stolen by Romney supporters like everyone believes. Those Obama signs are collector’s items,” she said. “They are worth something.”

Asked about the Romney signs, Collins responded “Yeah, not so much.”

“We’ve seen thousands of Romney signs all over the city, but only a handful of Obama signs,” said Ginny Schott who admitted she was getting ready to go out just after dark and snatch a few more Obama signs for her collection.

Schott said she read on the internet that after the election, regardless of the outcome, anything with Obama’s name on it is going to be worth a small fortune.

“The way things are going,” said Schott, as she walked us out to her garage and showed us her stash of Obama memorabilia, which included about a hundred yard signs, “I may just be able to retire early on what I have out here.”

She added, “Thank God for Obama and thank God for eBay.”

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Early Romney Voters in Ohio Asking for Do-Over after Sandy

Requests are flooding the Ohio Supervisor of Elections office in Columbus, Ohio from early voters who want their ballots stricken from the record and allowing them to cast a re-vote, this time for Barack Obama. At least 300 such requests have been received since Wednesday.

Election officials say this has never happened in the history of Ohio elections.

The person behind the drive to set the political record straight is a Republican business owner who claims he was hoodwinked into believing Mitt Romney was a leader he could count on when the chips were down.

Mark Humphries, owner of Bottoms Up, a local pub, told reporters he had a feeling when he cast his ballot early that something might happen to change his mind.

“I wasn’t even on the fence or nothing,” said Humphries, who voted the Saturday before Sandy hit the eastern seaboard.

“I mean, I really bought Romney’s spiel hook, line and sinker. I hated paying taxes…Romney said I wouldn’t have to. I was against big government…so was Romney,” said a convincing Humphries.

“I mean, I went so far as to consider contributing to his campaign,” said the disgruntled voter. “Thank goodness my wife talked me out of it and we spent it on groceries instead.”

Humphries said when that storm hit New Jersey, and reached all the way back to Columbus, he waited to see how Romney would respond.

“Oh he said all the right things…God…awful…donate…you know, he looked sincere enough. But when I saw Obama, man, I gotta tell you, he was kicking some serious disaster relief butt,” said Humphries.

Humphries said he learned that there were many more central Ohioans suffering from what one political analyst called “voter’s remorse,” and he set out to do something about it.

“I started the “Take Back the Romney Vote” movement, but from what they are telling me, no matter what I do to try and rectify the situation, I pretty much have to live with my decision.”

Humphries says there is one saving grace in all this.

“I’ve got a wife who was smart enough to realize that Obama was the guy to get the job done and she says she voted for him,” said Humphries.

“So, bottom line,” he said. “At least she cancelled out my vote. All I can do now is ask everyone I see to please, please vote for Obama.”