Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin Trade Barbs Over Retard Comment

Play along and I'll make us both rich.

Ann Coulter is taking plenty of heat for her use of the word “retard” to describe President Obama. Word of the slur caught Sarah Palin by surprise and, while one of Coulter’s biggest fans, Palin said she had to stay true to herself and her family by publicly admonishing her.

“Look, I like Ann,” said Palin from her Wasilla home on Friday, “but sometimes she can be such a moron,” said Palin laughing.

“No seriously, Ann, you idiot, you’re still my BFF,” continued Palin as she smiled and winked at the cameras. 

“If I didn’t know any better,” said Palin, “I’d think you have the IQ of an imbecile.”

Asked what she thought of Palin’s public flogging of her, Coulter simply responded “Say what you want about that back-woods bimbo,” and left it at that.

In a related news item just this morning, Ann Coulter lashed out at the people who bought her book and who are now asking for their money back.

“What a bunch of losers,” said Coulter as she ducked back inside her home to retrieve her ugly stick to beat off the reporters.

“There are about a gazillion new books out there--some of them with mostly pictures and very little writing--yet those idiots are way more interested in what I have to say than someone who actually deserves to be on the NYT best-sellers list.

Coulter pushed further. “I gotta say that the America I helped to shape is definitely not disappointing me. When dimwits who can’t even read plunk down the $10 or so bucks it costs to get a copy of my new book, I have to laugh at the absurdity. 99% of them can’t even spell Demagoguery.”

Asked if she wasn’t worried her attack on her fans will cost her dearly in book sales, Coulter replied “Are you kidding? Those numskulls love me.”

Friday, October 26, 2012

Meatloaf Performance at Rally Stops Romney Surge in its Tracks

The fat lady has sung, or in this case, the fat drunken has-been rock star known as Meatloaf has sung, finally crippling one of the crookedest-run Presidential campaigns in Republican history.

The crazy train has left the station
It seemed that Ted Nugent’s remarks earlier this year at an NRA convention where he ranted about not being around if Obama gets a second term would have sunk the candidate, but it didn’t.

Then came Clint Eastwood, who seemed to be the only person who thought it would be amusing to talk to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention. Crazy? Maybe, but not near crazy enough to change people’s minds about voting for Romney, except for Eastwood’s daughter, who has publicly voiced her support for Obama.

But now, this week, Meatloaf has finally brought the celebrity crazy house down by maniacally screaming out his hallelujah version of America the Beautiful at a Romney rally in Definance, Ohio.

“It was a gin-soaked performance by a washed up musician who obviously didn’t realize he would be forever known not as the guy who made an unpopular Monday night dinner a popular diner staple, but the guy who brought down the Romney campaign,” said Anderson Cooper as he began his 360 show on CNN.

After watching the performance on YouTube, a fed up Paul Ryan is said to have called Sarah Palin to tell her she wins, the Vice Presidency is hers…again.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney left the stage with what little dignity he had left and immediately called Donald Trump.

“Listen Don,” he said into the phone, “I don’t care how many more washed up celebrities you bring to the table to shore up the dimwit vote, it ain’t worth the measly million you contributed to my campaign,” then continued, “Well, ok, Don, if you really think Gary Busey can put us back on track. Ann is a huge fan.”

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Obama Volunteer Thanks God for Strong Third Debate Performance

AP Photo

The presidential race is now down to the last two weeks and, as a volunteer working for the Obama camp, let me just say one thing “Hallelujah for a good debate performance!”

I can vouch for the fact that no amount of money in the world can make someone take the abuse we’ve taken at the hands of the opponents we come across in our work on the phone banks and canvassing. Of course, I can’t speak for the other side, or even for my fellow volunteers, but in my opinion, I have come to regard political volunteerism as a form of self-flagellation.

I am truly wondering if I am a masochist. How else do I explain the fact that, after my first night of predictive calling, I didn’t go running and screaming into the night vowing never to return again to any phone bank location?

So what drove me to volunteer in the first place? What drives anyone to volunteer to call total strangers during the dinner hour, while their blood sugar is dangerously low, and ask them who they are going to vote for? Civic duty? Belief in the man whom I’m making the calls on behalf of? Hope for a better future? For me, it was none of those things.

Truth be told, I’m still hoping to meet Michelle Obama, but I’ll settle for President Obama if I have to. I’ve got two weeks left to do it, and if I can get anywhere near a pair of tickets to see that woman speak, I’ll climb over burning coals to get them. Hell, I’ll call a whole night’s worth of Republicans…which brings me to just how unpleasant it is to make calls for a phone bank.

First, for those of you who ignored the voices in your head urging you to get on the bandwagon and make some calls to help re-elect Obama, here’s how a phone bank works. You are given a script of what to say to the people you are calling. Attached to that script are a few pages of names of the people you will be calling and their information such as telephone number, political party affiliation, gender, and age.

In the beginning, the people we were calling were pretty much a mix of Democrats, Republicans, Independents and undecideds. It was tricky getting through a night without getting cussed out at least once by a Republican who (a) didn’t appreciate me interrupting the Bill O show and (2) being so bold as to ask them if they were still planning on supporting Obama for re-election, to which the answer was a resounding “Oh hell no!”

The night I was told I was an effin’ idiot for calling on the Jewish High Holy Days, well that one will stay with me long after the election is over.

So, you can imagine my trepidation as I would show up for subsequent phone banks. Tonight’s phone bank just happened to be scheduled the night after the third presidential debate was handily won by Obama. I had no idea that would be a determining factor in the types of responses I got from the people I was about to call. Past experience told me to hold onto my hat cause it was going to be a rocky ride. The Republicans on the list would be waiting to take their wrath out on anyone who even dared utter the name Obama. 

I received my list of names and went to a secluded spot of the home where I chose to make the calls from. I anxiously perused the list.

The first three names were all Democrats. Good, no problem. I called them. No answer on any of them. Even better. Seemed most registered voters finally knew the drill. If it was a number they didn’t recognize, it had to be from a phone bank, and most of them were smart enough to let the message machine get it. I was feeling better about showing up tonight. But then I came across my first Republican call of the night halfway down the page.

John Smith (not his real name)
R for Republican
Age 57
Gender male

At first I considered not calling the number and marking it “NH” for not home, but honesty got the better of me…actually curiosity got the better of me.

What would John say? Just how angry would John be after last night’s debate? I had to find out. Besides, it’s not like I was in the same room as him and asking “So, you’re a Romney supporter eh? How’s that working out for you?”

He couldn’t reach through the phone and hurt me. I dialed the number.

Ring, ring, ring…I cowered…ring, ring, ring…then “Hi, you’ve reached John Smith (not his real name). I can’t come to the phone righ…”

I breathed a sigh of relief and silently congratulated myself for not giving up, then I hung up. I marked the name off as not home and looked back at my list. I leapt for joy when I saw the next name. It was a female, age 21, and she was a Democrat! I was invincible!

Soon, I was down to the last three names on the list. They were all Democrats, two of them were at the same number, and I said out loud to the empty space “Yes, I can do this!”

Once I finished marking off the last name, I gathered my bag, bid adieu to the phone bank hostess, and walked out to my car happy to have survived another night of volunteering.

But I have to say. Tonight I left the phone bank feeling a bit unsated. After I had my list in hand and the determination to call everyone on it regardless of their political affiliation, I felt almost cheated out of possibly the last time I would ever hear someone on the other end tell me “For eff’s sake, quit calling this effin’ number,” and I wondered.

When Obama is making some of the very calls I’ve been making on his behalf this week while going from city to city, do you think he’ll get a list with some Republican voters on it, and more importantly, will he get cussed out too?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Marijuana Fundraisers Inundated with Donations of Twigs and Seeds

Proof that lack of marijuana affects a person's
abilityto create decent photoshop images
Election Day is almost here and two states, Arkansas and Massachusetts have ballot initiatives to legalize medical marijuana. What does this mean? It means the pot issue is a hot issue and both states have candidates looking to grab votes based on whether or not they back the controversial laws.

It also means that both sides are lighting up the phone banks (no pun intended) asking for donations to fight for or against legalization. In Arkansas, response to those contributions has taken a bizarre turn.

A spokesperson for Arkansans for Compassionate Care, the organization campaigning for the legalization measure on the ballot says that instead of money, they have received hundreds of envelopes filled with twigs and seeds in support of the measure.

“We’re not quite sure what to make of it,” said Darryl Hartnell, vice chairman of ACC. “While the twigs and seeds appear to have come from authentic cannabis plants, it is not certain what that has to do with our requests for donations.”

Montel Williams, former talk show host and huge supporter of the Arkansas measure to legalize medical marijuana, said he may know why people are sending in the unsmokeable portions of the plants.

“It is a show of solidarity, plain and simple. A stupid show of solidarity,” he said. “But honestly, after paying the street price for an ounce of pot, not many of the supporters have enough cash to send in so they send a cry for help instead.”

“Could be,” said Hartnell, “although we’re thinking it might have something to do with our adoption of the song Twigs and Seeds by Jesse Winchester as the anthem of our movement, which,” he said “disproves everything opponents are saying about how the use of marijuana affects a person’s ability to reason properly.”

Do They Make Bowling Balls for Little People?

My husband is an idea person. Ever since I’ve known him, he has told me his ideas on many products he would like see on the market. He is one of those people who actually sees a new product and will say “don’t you remember I mentioned this to you as a great idea a month ago?” intimating that it was his original idea, and lamenting the fact that someone with the ingenuity and backing beat him to the market.

Once, he took one of his ideas so far as to come up with a complete drawing of a contraption to plug the leak during the Gulf oil spill crisis. He had me scan it and send it to an e-mail address he got from a television report. He got a reply back thanking him for his suggestion, and, to be fair, his idea was one of the ones that others had come up with and was actually considered as a viable solution to the problem.

So, believe me when I say that he doesn’t just come up with any old idea. He thinks things through before he just puts these ideas out there.

Which brings me to today’s conversation as I was driving him to work. We were discussing a sweat problem. He works with the public and although I’ve never noticed him having an underarm sweat problem, he assures me it is very real and very problemsome.

This led to a conversation about his idea for dealing with underarm perspiration--underarm sweat pads. He told me he has been thinking of a way to remedy the situation and gave me a rough vision of the product he envisions which involves two rubber bands and a folded paper towel. Ingenious, I tell him. What a great idea.

“Yeah, but the rubber bands start to hurt after a while,” he complained. “I’ll need to use wider bands,” he said seriously.

In my mind I am picturing him using fabric headbands strategically placed over Bounty paper towels because let’s face it, they are the quicker picker-upper. With that image in my mind, I tell him back, seriously, that I’ll check the internet for some products that might be helpful, although judging from the zealous way he attacks the problem, I am assuming he doesn’t believe such a product could exist and he is the first person to have thought of a solution.

And then he hits me with another of his serious ideas to make this a better world…bowling balls for midgets. He doesn’t know that they are now called little people, but nevertheless, I can tell by the way he brings up the issue that he is obviously concerned for their safety. He claims he can’t imagine them being able to bowl with a large ball because they have such little fingers, never mind the weight of the ball issue.

Who can argue with that kind of logic? I think for a minute and tell him “Well, I would guess that if midgets (little people) do bowl, they could use a child’s bowling ball.”

He agrees instantly. “Yes, I guess that would work,” he said smiling as if a load had been lifted off his shoulders.

So, we left it at that. I dropped him off at work and went back home to look up underarm sweat products and found quite a few on the market, which, I’m sure, he’ll say someone stole his idea, even though none of the products involve paper towels or rubber bands.

As for the midget bowling balls, I could find no bowling balls advertised as being targeted toward little people. Instead, I found a whole page of Google links to a pastime called “midget bowling,” and plenty of links by the LPA (Little People of America) assuring everyone out there that little people are people, not bowling balls. Evidently, when it comes to bowling, some genius who doesn’t have the little peoples’ interests at heart thinks that greasing up a little guy and throwing him down the lane toward the bowling pins is the correct way to take a little person bowling.

Nevertheless, if for no reason other than the fact that little people should have the same abilities as full-size people, I am going to encourage my husband to pursue his dream of developing a line of bowling balls specifically targeted toward Little People. Who knows? The PBA may just one day include a chapter known as the LPPBA (Little People Professional Bowlers Association) and it could all be due to one man’s dream of making this a better world for everyone.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

President Obama Relieved Catholic Cardinal Withdraws Invite to Al Smith Dinner

Update: Dinner went off without a hitch. Both Obama and Romney showed up. While Obama asked for a steak, Romney asked that Obama be burned at the stake. Otherwise, was an uneventful evening.

An invite prematurely sent to President Obama and GOP Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney to attend a traditional dinner hosted by the Archbishop of New York created quite a stir in the Catholic community this past week.

The Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, or Al Smith Dinner for short, is an annual white-tie fundraiser for Catholic charities and usually involves inviting the standing President and his opponent to give keynote speeches at the dinner. The gala offers a comedic respite from the slings and arrows of an otherwise hotly contested Presidential campaign.

This year, however, the Catholics are finding very little to laugh about due to the uproar over President Obama’s mandate on birth control. The Catholic hierarchy is criticizing their leader, Cardinal Dolan, for sending the invitations out before first consulting with them. Upon hearing the news that President Obama accepted the invite, they were livid.

Fortunately, however, misconstructions by the Catholic Church and Obama have seen both parties scrambling to get out of the dinner, and today it was reported that Obama was extremely relieved when he was informed that the dinner invite had been withdrawn.

“Boy, this sure saves me a lot of embarrassment,” said Obama upon learning of the retraction.

Sources close to Obama claim that the President initially read the invitation wrong and thought the Catholic Church was throwing a dinner in honor of legendary soul singer Al Green.

“When I received the invitation, I about fell over,” said the President.

“I thought, now this is just too great. Who knew the Catholic Church and I had the same taste in music? I was already planning what song to sing with Al as a duet. Man, I couldn’t have been happier,” he said smiling.

“Unfortunately,” he said, “Michelle caught my mistake and hit me with the bad news. It was Al Smith, not Al Green, but not before I had already RSVP’d.”

Not wanting to give anyone the wrong idea about his obvious pleasure at being informed of the withdrawal, Obama was quick to say, “Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure this Al Smith guy, whoever he is, is one great fella, but I’m not sure he so special that I could spend a whole evening trying to make funny when my hosts are clearly not too pleased with me right now.”

Obama then added, “We all know how the Donald Trump thing went over at last year’s White House Correspondents Dinner.”

Meanwhile, when Mitt Romney was asked if he had received his invitation to the dinner and whether or not he would be accepting, his response was “Al who?”

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Romney Under Attack, Explains Binders Full of Women Further

"...I then had my secretary go through and dog ear the pages that contained black
and Latino women to make sure we were filling those quotas as well…”

Mitt Romney has come under fire for his statement at the 2nd Presidential Debate that he had gone into the community to seek out women who were qualified to work in his cabinet and was given “binders full of women” to choose from.

Romney claims it was not as bad as he made it sound, that he was only trying to make a point that he knew the importance of appearances and having women in his cabinet was going to make him look good further down the road when it counted most, i.e. when he ran for President.

“Once I got the binders full of women, I then had my secretary go through and dog ear the pages that contained black and Latino women to make sure we were filling those quotas as well…”

Romney admits that it took several binders to find the women whom he eventually gave jobs to and stated that this underscores his comment that most women are best when they are at home making lovely homes for their husbands.

Romney admitted his biggest problem back when he was Governor was the issue of retrofitting the women’s rest rooms with updated “thingamajiggie machines” referring to tampon and pad dispensers.

“I’d never come up against that before at Bain,” said Romney, “and quite frankly, that is where my wife Ann came in quite handy.”

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Overworked Guardian Angels Putting Lives at Risk

Sorry Buddy, You're
On Your Own

Today’s busy lifestyles are beginning to take a toll on the angelic presence sent here to protect us according to a Catholic priest who says he’s personally witnessed his fair share of Guardian Angel meltdowns.

Brother John David Patrick O’Malley of Boston, Massachusetts claims that he is getting an inordinate amount of calls to give last rites to people who claim that angels are visiting them in the hospital and telling them basically that they are on their own.

“I show up to see someone who claims they have a life-threatening infection after getting a paper cut and I’m thinking ‘what the hey?’” said O’Malley.

“A rash is incurable and a headache means life or death for someone who’s just been told they have meningitis,” said the over-stressed priest. “Everyday maladies that used to require a band-aid, some anti-itch cream, or a couple of aspirin are now putting people at risk of dying if they don’t get to the hospital fast.”

Asked if he knows what is causing these extreme conditions to manifest in otherwise healthy individuals, O’Malley said he does but not many doctors are taking him seriously.

“Our guardian angels are being over-worked,” he said. “We are taking advantage, actually have been taking advantage for some time now, and they are just fed up,” he said resignedly.

“I know, they are supposed to be there through it all, to catch us when the bungee cord breaks, take the wheel when we have had a little too much to drink, or mop up the floors before we take a walk down aisle three at the supermarket, but we are blowing it. Texting while driving, not taking our full prescription of antibiotics, relying on unscrupulous drug dealers…there are too many of us taking too many risks, and we have basically worn our guardian angels out.”

O’Malley says it’s like the teachers strike in Chicago. Teachers were hired to teach a class of no more than thirty kids and instead are faced with 40 or more students who all need special attention.

“It’s way too much for them to handle and they are dropping the ball, or rather, we are dropping the ball, slipping on it, fracturing our skulls, and instead of waiting for them to get to the emergency room, we are checking out early cause our guardian angels are deserting us,” said O’Malley.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

47% Distancing Themselves from the 99% of Which 52% Don’t Identify With the 1%

The lines between the haves and have nots are still a bit blurry, meaning the 1% pretty much have it all while the rest of us don’t. However, the lines between the haves less, the haves more but not as much, the have nots, and the basically screwed are still a bit unclear and need to be scrutinized closely in order to determine who is going to vote for whom in November.

Originally, the 99% were represented by Occupy Wall Street protesters who believed that they were paying for the mistakes the top 1% made as they worked on taking all the wealth in the land and investing it in high-yield CDs at a measly rate of around 1.50%. (Not really—they are getting a much higher rate on their investments if you consider the lower percentage rate they are paying in taxes—we’re like 99.9% sure of that).

Anyway, the 99% eventually fizzled out to around 2 or 3% who really hung in there and gave a crap, while the other 96% packed up their tents, went home and began bitching on the internet. Because the majority of that 96% refused to answer polls asking them what percentage they think they belong to, the only thing we can be sure of is that the 32% of those that fall into the basically screwed category are still basically screwed.

Of course, of the total 96%, presidential candidate Romney originally claimed that 47% are shiftless and are living off the rest of America. However, he has since flip flopped on that and has told Americans he is “for” 100%, which doesn’t add up, because no one at this point is really sure if he is talking about the 47% in addition to 52%, as well as the top 1%, or the top 1% (without the extra two zeros) who refuse to give up a dime to help anyone in the 99%, leaving the 52% to fend for the 47%.

Meanwhile, the polls indicate that 48% are planning to vote for Romney after 67% claim he won the first presidential debate, and surprisingly, 48% are planning to vote for Obama, even though only 23% declared Obama the winner. This leaves 4% (not counting the 10% who didn’t answer the debate question) who are still not sure who they are voting for.

But, if you add that 4% to the 96% who continue to support Occupy Wall Street, we end up with 100% of Americans who absolutely agree they are totally fed up with the election and could care less who wins just as long as they can return to their regularly schedule programs.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Comedy Central Endorses Mitt Romney for President

The various personalities that make up the Comedy Central channel were asked on Friday to give their view on which candidate Comedy Central should endorse for President. Once the final vote was tallied, many were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney was the clear winner.

“Don’t look at me,” said Jon Stewart as he hurried toward the elevators. “It’s that scoundrel Colbert. Two to one he used the money he’s been making on his SuperPAC to buy Romney votes,” a charge Colbert did not immediately deny.

“Look,” said Colbert, “Mitt Romney is my bread and butter. Sure, Obama is my orange juice and eggs, but when it comes right down to it, I’d rather have a foodstuff that can be used at more than just the breakfast table.”

Many of the other personalities agreed with Colbert partially because no one at this point could find anything funny about four more years with Obama at the helm.

“Obama just doesn’t give us anything to work with,” said Hugh Morris, a writer for the Daily Show. “Sure, there’s always Joe Biden, but even he isn’t enough to carry Obama for four more years,” he said.

A few of the writers agree that with Romney’s C-3PO walk alone, they could virtually have enough laughs to carry them at least through 2014.

“Granted, he’s no George Dubya,” said Morris, “But then again, who is? A guy like that comes along once in a Millenium.”

Even with the threat of Romney pulling an “NPR” style ban on cable TV, the cast and crew of most of the shows still decided they’d take a chance with Romney.

Stars Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele from the new hit show Key & Peele are the only Comedy Central personalities who are considering crossing the line and voting for Obama.

“I’ve tried impersonating Mitt Romney,” said Key “and to be honest, my wimpy white man impression sucks. If Romney gets voted in, I’m afraid we won’t be looking at another season of Key & Peele.”

Peele disagreed. “I’m gonna pull a flip-flop on this," he said. “I wouldn’t write Romney off so quickly.”

“If worse came to worse, I think with a little white face, an Eddie Munster wig, and a pair of sad monkey eye contacts, I could do a pretty decent Paul Ryan.”

“Plus,” he added, “I’ve always thought the Mormons were a rich source of humor…almost as fertile as fanatical right-wing Christians, so yeah, maybe I will get behind the Romney/Ryan ticket after all.”

Monday, October 1, 2012

Romney Accuses Obama of Psyching Him out Before the Debate

It is just two days before the first Presidential debate and folks in the Romney camp are already coming up with excuses why Romney may lose--not because of his ability as a master debater, but because of diversions that are leaving Romney unable to focus on the task at hand.

The excuses include everything from a sudden aversion to falling leaves to itchy underwear caused by Romney’s personal maid using a new detergent that they claim doesn’t leave their boss' drawers feeling Downy soft.

But the best excuse of all is coming directly from Mitt Romney.

“What president Obama is doing amounts to mentally challenging me to a duel,” said Romney on Monday as he came out of his preparations for the debates looking haggard and beaten.

“If I could choose the weapons, it sure wouldn’t be fake outs and false starts,” he said as his handlers looked completely puzzled.

Asked to elaborate, Romney merely replied that he will explain once he is elected President.

Obama said he hasn’t a clue what Romney is talking about and said that perhaps the blame lies in Romney’s debate stand-in, Ohio Senator, Rob Portman.

“Word on the street has it that Portman never got over the fact that Romney chose Ryan over him and, if anyone is trying to psyche Romney out, it’s Portman, not Obama,” claims a Democratic aide.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has blocked out a whole day to go to the spa on Tuesday, claiming that in order to do well on the debate stage, he has to look and smell his best or it just isn’t going to work for him.”

Ray Jay’s Day Spa and Beauty Emporium in Denver was asked to comment, but they claim they were, in fact, passed over by Romney at the last minute for a spa in Boston.