Friday, August 31, 2012

Liberal Plan to Bow Out of Elections Has GOP in a Quandary

There is talk on the liberal front of actually folding up tables, picking up sticks, throwing in the towel, and calling it quits after witnessing one of the most dishonest displays of our political system at work during the RNC convention.

Martin Schlumley, a key member of the Green Party, and the man who first suggested the liberal movement give up on trying to change the way things are done in Washington, said that his point was not only driven home Wednesday night, but damn near knocked the front door in when Paul Ryan blatantly stood before America and told bold-faced, out-and-out lies about the President, his administration, and his plans for the future.

“My mom told me many things that have stuck with me throughout the years,” said Schlumley at a hastily-arranged meeting at JC’s Co-op and Homegrown Emporium in Tampa, Florida. “The most important thing she said was this ‘when the chips are down, walk away.’ Well,” said Schlumley, “we are finally ready to walk away and let the Republicans have everything.”

Asked if that isn’t a sure way to bring this country down, Schlumley asked, “And your point is?”

Meanwhile, word of the plan to bow out has some members of the GOP wondering how they will carry on if they have no one but themselves to argue with.

“We are terrible at playing devil’s advocate,” said Rudolph ‘Rudy’ Priebus, brother of Reince Priebus and co-chairman of the RNC.

“We absolutely have only one channel and without any feedback, we are doomed.”

Pundits from both camps are trying to figure out what to do next.

Rachel Maddow was as speechless as she was having just witnessed Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair but managed to get in one comment. “Uh, so what exactly will be my role in all this?”

The move had Fox News scrambling to find someone, anyone to fight back.

“Hell, we can’t do this alone, we’ll destroy ourselves,” said Bill O’Reilly. “I can’t go on the attack if the only people I’m attacking are the people I’m supposed to be defending,” then left the room holding his head calling Schlumley’s announcement abominable and begging for a few minutes to lie down and digest the enormity of the situation.

“Hey, it’s not our fault,” said Schlumley. “We put up a good fight but we just aren’t going to keep blowing good money after bad on what? an election that is eventually going to end up just like 2000 where money and dishonesty bought a Presidency? No thank you, sir. We’re done.”

And with that, Schlumley left the room, making sure to turn off the light on his way out to conserve energy.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Could John Lennon Have Foreseen Paul Ryan While Writing Nowhere Man?

Folks just can’t stop talking about Paul Ryan’s speech last night, which, according to many, was riddled with inaccuracies and outright lies. One person, who studies prophetical writings, claims she may be able to clarify where Ryan was coming from when he told such whoppers as:

President Obama was responsible for shutting down a GM plan in Janesville, when it was actually shut down on George Bush’s watch.

President Obama caused the downgrade of the US credit rating when, in fact, it was the Republicans who refused to budge on raising the debt ceiling until the 11th hour that forced the hand of Standard & Poor’s to take the unprecedented step of taking away our AAA rating.

President Obama took $716 billion dollars from the Medicare plan when, in fact, what he did was reform the way providers and hospitals are paid so as to actually put more money into the Medicare system, a plan which Ryan himself endorses.

Mary Windwalker, a Native American scholar from Eastern New Mexico University at Roswell says that she has found evidence that inextricably weaves Paul Ryan’s persona into that of the Nowhere Man character portrayed in John Lennon’s song of the same title.

“When you have someone from Fox News calling Ryan’s speech (or Ryan himself possibly) dazzling, deceiving and distracting, and then go back and look over the lyrics of John Lennon’s song, there is a strong possibility that John Lennon was a modern-day prophet who foresaw someone like Ryan actually entering the world stage at some time in the future, leading him to pen Nowhere Man," said Windwalker.

Asked if Lennon’s lyrics are more suited toward Mitt Romney and not Ryan, Windwalker replied “You certainly have a valid point there; however, what sets Romney and Ryan apart is the fact that Ryan actually does have a plan, which fits perfectly into the last line of Nowhere Man, which reads ‘Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.’”

Windwalker added, “I find it even more convincing when you consider the fact that Lennon sang the last refrain three times.”

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Ann Romney Counts the Ways She Shouldn’t Be Considered Blessed

Ann Romney gave the first speech of her political life last night as a potential first lady and by most accounts, she was said to have done a fine job.

However, Fox News analyst Juan Williams, formerly of NPR fame, gave a different assessment saying Mrs. Romney came off looking like a corporate wife, and that her husband takes care of her, for which he was roundly dismissed by his colleagues and most Republicans as being a false assumption.

Mrs. Romney, as well, wasn’t taking it sitting down and fired back with all the reasons why she is definitely not that blessed. Here are her comments…

“Sure, I married a good looking man, but honestly, have you noticed he has a bit of a feminine side? It’s murder sometimes getting mirror time in the morning. We’ve had to build separate bathrooms for me.”

“I’ve had my health problems, and yeah, I still look as healthy as a horse. Speaking of which, do you know how much it costs to feed an expensive dressage horse these days?”

“You try sitting home all day wishing your husband had a regular job so you wouldn’t have to listen to him moan and whine all the time about how the maid won’t make his favorite sandwich for him.”

“Five boys, need I say more? Uh, make that six.”

“I can’t count the times I’ve hired a caterer for private functions and have invariably been overcharged for the rumaki.”

“I have to personally take Mitt clothes shopping every fall. If I didn’t, he’d end up wearing seersucker even in winter.”

“I can’t enjoy driving around in my Cadillac anymore without someone reminding me that it was President Obama and not my bird-brained husband who bailed GM out.”

“The GOP leaders tell me I have to come off looking like I totally understand what the American woman is going through during these tough times, and I honestly have no clue how I’m going to pull that off.”

“They switched my hair appointment to Thursdays.”

“If Mitt wins the election, I have to move into that horrid White House. If he loses, I have to listen to him whine all the time about him not getting his favorite sandwich.”

Monday, August 27, 2012

Workshops Planned to Keep GOP Attendees Out of Adult Venues

The Republican National Convention is finally here, and lest you think it will be all business, rest assured there will be plenty of extracurricular activities on site to keep the adult ADHD delegates from wandering off into the night searching for their own brand of entertainment.

There are daily workshops planned throughout the convention covering a plethora of subjects near and dear to conservatives’ hearts from immigration reform to how to legally steal an election.

While this may not be the news the adult entertainment folks down in Tampa want to hear, it will help to stem the growth of STDs that seem to be permeating the porn industry these days, allowing delegates to spend more time at the convention and less time at the local free clinic.

“We’re killing two birds with one stone,” said top GOP adviser, Chip Hollingsworth. “We’re giving our folks some great information to take home with them while keeping them off the streets and out of the news.”

A brief slide show by Mitt Romney on his and Ann’s latest trip to the Cayman Islands is expected to be a standing room only event which will then lead into the many workshops offered that organizers hope will keep the attendees indoors.

Here is a rundown on all the workshops:

Joey Carmiglione, Bain Capital CPA – Taxes: Fuggeddaboutem

Gov Nikki Haley – Illegal Immigration Makes Me Sikh

Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell – Are the Unemployed Making it Harder for You to Succeed?

Ann Coulter – Using Your Uterus to Win the Election

Paul Ryan – Rape: Get Over It Already

Rick Scott – Everything I Need to Know About Voter Suppression I Learned from Karl Rove

Marcus Bachmann, Ph.D (husband to Michele Bachmann) – Social Spending Keeping You Awake at Night? It Shouldn’t. How to Beat Insomnia.

Joe the Plumber – Plunging the Depths of Democracy

Herman Cain – Narcissism Ain’t Just the White Man’s Problem

Finishing off, Ted Nugent is slated to perform his newest song, Big Donations from the Aryan Nation.

Meanwhile, Joe Redner, owner of Mons Venus, the most popular strip club in Tampa was asked if he’s at all disappointed that the GOP has a plan to keep their delegates closer to home this year unlike past years.

“Nah,” said Joe with a smile. “While those sound like some really interesting workshops, if I know the delegates, nothing will keep them away from my Candi-dates.”

Friday, August 24, 2012

Romney Miscarriage Details Disclosed but Still No Tax Info

According to an in-depth profile of Ann Romney recently released by the AP, the Romneys suffered more heart-breaking news. 

According to the report, not only does Ann Romney have multiple sclerosis, and is a breast cancer survivor, but she also had a miscarriage, according to a close family friend.

Supporters were shocked to learn the news just days before the Republican convention.

“What a brave woman,” said one undisclosed supporter. “She’s been through so much, and now this.”

When told that the miscarriage actually occurred sometime between 1978 and 1981, the woman was unfazed. 

“Still, that is a heavy burden to bear. I’m so glad she shared this information with us.”

While one can never discount the heartache of miscarriage or the fact that the Romneys did not come forward with this information directly, some are wondering about the timing of this announcement just days before the GOP National Convention, one mired in controversy over women’s childbearing issues.

It was with that in mind that one lone reporter summoned the courage to ask Mrs. Romney once again to divulge the information everyone is eager to see.

“So, Mrs. Romney, Ann… since we know just about everything else about you and your husband now, do you suppose we could finally get a peek at some more of your tax records?” to which Romney answered, “not on your life.”

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Missouri Proposes Plan to Switch From Public to Home Schooling System

Kansas City, MISSOURI – As the school year starts up again around the country, news of a radical plan to totally abolish the public school system in the state of Missouri seems to be wildly popular with just about everyone who lives there. In fact, the plan is so popular that a referendum has been placed on the November ballot asking Missouri citizens to vote for or against changing the public school system over to a private system which encourages home schooling.

According to several far right conservative lawmakers, this change has been a long time coming. Tired of the bureaucratic red tape they’ve been fighting for years from the federal government, many are saying it’s not worth the extra money they get from Washington to not be able to school their children the way they want to.

Kansas City assistant school superintendent, Grover Danquist, who first proposed the idea in 2010, assured reporters it wasn’t the fact that Missouri schools have one of the highest percentages of illiterate students in the nation that spurred them on to such a radical change.

“Naw, that ain’t why we’re doing it,” said Danquist. 

“We’re just sick and tired of being required to offer classes like science and math when the most important things we should be teaching our kids is how to pray and shoot a gun.”

Danquist elaborated. “Ever since they took prayer out of the classrooms, we’ve gone downhill. Home schooling provides parents the opportunity to have an ultimate say-so in what their kids are learning,” and, he added, “Most of us firmly believe that the end times are nigh, meaning it’s time to put away the school books and start picking up the Bibles.”

Danquist also said that most Missourians he knew felt it was absolutely essential that their young citizens learn how to shoot a gun as early as possible. 

“We ain’t talking about none of that zombie nonsense,” he said, “but when the end days do come, we just have to make sure everyone knows how to defend themselves.”

Danquist and others like him are targeting public education programs they claim are teaching their kids the wrong ideals. 

“We don’t need science to tell us the weather is crappy, and we don’t need science to tell us where we came from. We came from God, period,” he said.

An official spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Education, who was asked to comment on this story, said they weren’t aware of the situation but gave us an off-the-cuff response.

“Sure, fine, whatever. Couldn’t be any worse than the system they have in place now."

Monday, August 20, 2012

Akin Story a Ruse to Get Obama off Romney’s Back?

The Todd Akin/Legitimate Rape story had pundits’ tongues wagging all over the place, from local news to prime time, conservatives to liberals, and according to unconfirmed sources, that’s just the way the GOP wants it.

According to the source, Akin was actually hired by Rove’s superPAC, American Crossroads to take a bullet for Mitt Romney.

 “We planned this about a month ago,” he said. “We knew there would be calls for his resignation from those who weren’t in on the plan, so we went ahead and pumped a million or so into his campaign ahead of time. Todd’s got enough to keep himself going without our help,” said the secret source. 

“But don’t quote me on that…it may have been two million, I’m not really for sure about the particulars.”

Asked if it was really necessary to use Akin as a human shield for Romney, Rove, er I mean, the secret source replied, “Oh hell yeah. In fact, you ain’t seen nothing yet. As long as Obama keeps pounding away at Romney and asking for his tax returns, we are working day and night to stay ahead of him.”

Friday, August 17, 2012

Mitt Romney Begs to Trade Places with Paul Ryan

Mitt Romney has asked the GOP to look into the possibility of trading his top spot on the Presidential ticket with his choice for Vice President, Paul Ryan.

Citing reasons such as “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and “I just found out how little the President actually earns,” as justification for his request, Romney is hoping the GOP will come up with an answer for him in enough time so that he can deliver the news at the GOP convention being held in Tampa the week of August 27, 2012.

“I had no idea campaigning for President would be so hard,” whined Romney in his letter to GOP Chairman, Reice Priebus.

“And today, I get this e-mail from Dick Cheney telling me that once I’m President, he’s gonna be in charge again so I better get used to it. I mean, who died and left him boss?”

Romney claims that once he saw how energetic Ryan was the first few days after being introduced as the Vice Presidential pick, he knew Ryan would make a much better President.

“If nothing else, I think Ryan could totally kick Cheney’s butt,” wrote Romney to Priebus. “Plus, the kid is a dynamo who actually already has a budget plan in place. I have to tell you, Reice, I was getting pretty darned tired of saying I had a budget plan just to keep the base ignited, when, in fact, I had nothing.”

“Besides that, I honestly don’t know what I stand for anymore. I thought I was for women’s rights until they kept telling me I’m not supposed to be for women’s rights. You know, that kinda put a real kink in my marriage. I was getting it from both sides,” he said.

“At least with Ryan, if he says he doesn’t give a whit about women’s rights, and his wife is ok with that, then it makes more sense for him to be saying that kinda stuff.”

In closing, Romney assured Priebus that he would be as good a Vice President as Joe Biden.

“Look, Reince, what it comes down to is this. Romney/Ryan, Ryan/Romney, in the big scheme of things neither one of us is really going to be the power behind the presidency, so please, I’m begging you, don’t make me be leader of the free world or so help me God, I’ll pull a Rick Perry on you.”

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan...Ryan O'Neal?

As we all know by now, Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. Many Republicans are coming forward and saying this is no coincidence due to Ryan's close connection to Ayn Rand, while many more are just saying "we got rooked, big time." Nevertheless, the ones who say this is no coincidence may be on to something.

Well-known cryptologist, Lynn Guist has discovered a close connection to the names Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan, which if you rearrange the name Ryan would spell Ayn R., which, of course, would spell part of Ayn Rand's name, the Ayn part being the most important because it is the most cryptic, according to the cryptologist aforementioned.

Guist claims he had to go back only to the late 60's to find a meaning for Ayn Rand, then work his way forward to the present Paul Ryan. 

"Ryan O'Neal is actually where I started my search," said Guist. "But it made no sense until I researched the names Rand Paul and Paul Ryan. At that point I finally had come full circle to Andy Warhol, whose first name also contains the name Ayn," he said while wiping a smudge from his wire-rimmed glasses. "Although for the life of me I could never figure out how the 'd' in Andy figured into the whole cryptic mess."

Asked if he researched Andy Warhol because of the fact that Warhol had done a portrait of Ayn Rand and coincidentally of Farrah Fawcett, who just happened to be the girlfriend of Ryan O'Neal, Guist replied "No. It never really crossed my mind. However," he said, "had Warhol's first name been Randy, then we'd be talking a whole different ball game, which, speaking of baseball, I wonder if Nolan Ryan, no, no, never mind," he mumbled as he walked away.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Mattress Company Introduces New Product in Anticipation of Romney/Ryan Win

Pocket Perfect Sleeper

Master Mattress Mart, the third largest mattress firm in the United States has just announced a brand new product that will serve Americans well in the unlikely event that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan win the Presidential election in November.

It’s called the Pocket Perfect Sleeper, and it is designed with a camouflaged deep pocket sewn into the mattress. Davis Lumber, the executive vice president in charge of research and development at Pocket Perfect explains why this most important upgrade is expected to revolutionize the mattress industry.

“Well, it’s kind of a no-brainer,” said Lumber. “We have been doing our homework on both Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan and the truth of the matter is that should they be elected, the banking industry will have a hey day with most Americans’ savings and investment accounts.”

Lumber further explained that because there is a very real possibility that unless the middle and even lower class of savers don’t do something to secure what little money they have left after the last serious drain on their retirement accounts in 2007, they will be left penniless.

“That’s where the Pocket Perfect Sleeper comes in. Once a customer gets their new mattress home, we seriously recommend they remove their money from banks and other financial institutions and place it in the sewn-in pocket in the foundation. 

“This way, when there is a run on the banks, which is very likely to happen almost immediately after Romney/Ryan take office, their money will be safely tucked in their mattresses,” he said.

Asked the question, what if Romney/Ryan don’t win? Lumber replied, “No problem. Our marketing department has already anticipated that scenario. The Pocket Perfect Sleeper will transition well marketing-wise into the Porno Pocket Perfect Sleeper.”

Friday, August 10, 2012

Obama Praises Papa John’s For Threatening to Raise Pizza Prices

The CEO and founder of Papa John’s Pizza, John Schnatter, has recently come out against Obamacare, declaring that if the President’s plan to provide affordable healthcare to every person in America is not repealed, the price of his pizzas are going to go up.

For pizza lovers, this isn’t the best news. For a President and his wife who have spent a good part of the past four years trying to convince people that their diets are killing them, this news couldn’t be better.

Upon hearing the news about rising pizza prices at one of the nation’s top pizza joints, Obama had this to say, “Thank you Papa John’s. You finally get it. Pizza is about one of the worst things an overweight person can put into their body, unless, of course, they are chowing down on some Buffalo chicken wings or cheese sticks. By making your food more expensive and thereby less accessible to the general population, you are going to save us millions in health care costs.”

What really makes this a win-win for Obama is the fact that once Papa John’s raises its prices, other large pizza chains are sure to follow, not necessarily because they agree with Schnatter’s reasons for raising his prices, but simply because that is how American capitalism works.

Along those lines, Obama took the opportunity to turn a negative response to his health initiative into a positive by egging on the CEOs of the entire fast food industry. 

“I’m asking all you other fast food joints out there who might have a problem with my health care initiative to please raise your prices. Let’s get rid of the burgers, fried chicken, French fries and other unhealthy choices, because by doing so,” he said, “we could very well see obesity wiped out during my next term as President.”

Monday, August 6, 2012

Alex Jones has Labeled Mars Landing a Fake

Alex Jones, a radio personality most noted for his conspiracy theories, has come out just hours after NASA announced the safe landing of its Mars-rover Curiosity landing and labeled it a fake.

“A complete and utter fake, no doubt about it,” said Jones just minutes into his daily rant on the Alex Jones Show. 

“Just who does NASA think they are dealing with?” Jones asked as he proceeded to count down (no pun intended) the evidence leading to his conclusion about the latest space mission.

“First of all, correct me if I’m wrong, but NASA has been defunded. So just how would a $2.6 billion dollar mission be funded? Yeah, I know, corporate backing and all that, but, come on folks…corporate guys aren’t that stupid. They aren’t gonna lay out the dough for a space mission that had a 70% probability of failure.”

Asked where he got his figures, Jones said he can find anything if he looks hard enough, even if he has to make it up. “I’m pretty much in the ballpark,” he said. “At least I think I am.”

Jones asked his audience “Do you really think the President is gonna ok a mission like this less than four months before the election?”

Jones claims Obama’s top advisers actually came up with the ‘Wag the Dog’ type Mars spectacular to take the heat off his (Obama’s) plan to deindustrialize the coal industry in order to send energy rates soaring.

“News like that can kill any plans for re-election,” said Jones.

“So, to take the heat off his failed economic and energy plans, let’s just assume the President is willing to spend a few million more of taxpayers’ dollars to get some MIT students to build a convincing-looking rover, hire a good director and special effects firm, and produce a helluva Mars landing on some set in Hollywood.” 

“Hell, for that matter, I wouldn’t be surprised if all they really spent was a couple hundred bucks to hire some half-way decent photoshop guru to doctor up a photo of the Painted Desert and pass it off on us as a successful Mars landing.”

Jones claims that the videos of NASA scientists clapping and cheering as the alleged rover touched down on Mars are eerily similar to those he remembers from the movie “Contact.”

Jones then ended his show discussing the conspiracy theories surrounding Dick Cheney’s unbelievably long life after several heart attacks and a heart transplant. 

“No human heart can survive that, so I’m gonna throw something out there, folks,” said Jones. “Robots. MIT students. Bionics.”

Sunday, August 5, 2012

National Satire Day Announcement Prompts Protest from Romney Campaign

It was announced Friday that President Obama has declared October 19 “National Satire Day.” The date, for those unfamiliar with satire, is the birth date of one of the most referenced satirists in history, Jonathan Swift.

Swift’s essay, A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People From Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick, or simply, A Modest Proposal, has been the basis for many an argument about what subjects are and are not suitable for public reader consumption. The story proposes that poor Irish folk sell their children to the rich for consumption. Not surprisingly, the essay was published anonymously, as are many pieces of modern-day satire.

Nevertheless, satire in its less Juvenalian form, can provide a much-needed break from the stresses of ordinary life, a chuckle as it were to some of the most pressing issues of our time, including an ugly Presidential race.

Mitt Romney’s advisers are against National Satire Day for obvious reasons. A poll recently conducted by Poll Pro’s Humor Division indicates that the majority of negative satire is aimed at the Romney camp. President Obama, on the other hand, is often less of a target, although when he is satirized, the satire is sometimes highly offensive, which turns off most readers just looking for a good laugh.

The bottom line seems to indicate that more harm is being done to the Romney campaign by satire than by any other source, and therein lies the reason for the Romney camp objecting to naming October 19 “National Satire Day.”

President Obama is aware of Romney’s complaints and says his naming this national day just one month before the Presidential election is a mere coincidence.

“I’ve been reading satire ever since I was a student at Harvard when one of my classmates turned me on to the Harvard Lampoon,” said the President.

“I find it a refreshing respite from the seriousness that life throws at us, and I am certainly one who can laugh at myself, unless, of course, I’m being characterized as a monkey. That is simply an affront to my sensibilities,” he cautioned.

“Most satirists associate with Jonathan Swift more than any other writer in this genre although, of course, not with his point of view about eating children,” he quipped. “However, I believe it is still fitting to use his birthday as the day to honor satirists nationwide,” said the President. 

“I do find it quite ironic that Swift was born in October, giving satirists the opportunity to do their best writing just a month before the election,” Obama concluded. “After all, doesn’t irony play a huge part in a well-written piece of satire anyway?”

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Top Things Kim Jong-Un Said to Wife on Wedding Night

It was a surprise to many to find out that Kim Jong-Un was dating, let alone getting married. While the saying goes, there is someone for everyone, we have to wonder just what kind of woman would marry a scary world leader like Kim Jong-Un. 

While we are wondering, just what kind of sweet nothings do you suppose Un whispered to his bride on their first night alone in the Bridal Chamber of the Royal Palace? 

Here are my thoughts:

That not medal you feel on thigh, baby.

You want to touch my big rocket?

We bang now. I pay later, ok?

Not such a little guy now, am I?

You best cousin in world.

Where babies come from?


You no tell nobody about my secret stash of M&Ms

I really ruv your camofrage kimono, baby.

Make me feel special or I have you killed, ok?

Jon and Kate Gosselin Reconciliation Deal in Works

Jon Gosselin has finally hit rock bottom. It is being reported he can’t pay his rent. This is the break Kate Gosselin has been waiting for to get the entire Gosselin clan back on television and making enough money to live the lifestyle she has become accustomed to. After all, she and everyone else knows the only reason anyone tuned into the original Jon and Kate Plus 8 was to watch Kate run roughshod over Jon every week.

While some of us have our opinions on exactly how Jon reached this point, we all pretty much agree that if turtle farmers in Louisiana can get their own reality show, then surely the Gosselin clan can rise out of the ashes to gain the top spot on reality television--that is if Jon is finally desperate enough to swallow his pride, beg Kate to take him back, and allow himself to be emasculated once again on national television.

 While Dr. Phil, with whom the Gosselins have met a few times, thinks a reunion show is a terrible idea, that doesn’t seem to be stopping the pair from doing anything in their power, regardless of how damaging it may be to the family as a whole, in order to earn some much needed revenue to save the family homestead.

Sources close to both mama and papa Gosselin say there may just be a deal before the fall season and, in fact, if it were to be announced today, that is all anyone would be talking about, indicating that there is still quite a bit of excitement surrounding a resurrection of Jon and Kate Plus 8—to be named “The Reconciliation.”

If that’s true, what do you suppose we’d be seeing in the upcoming episodes? Here’s a clue:

Kate decides the family should try turtle farming.

Jon settles into his favorite chair and plays Gran Turismo 2 while Kate screams at the kids who are outside trying to catch turtles.

Kate feeds the kids lunch.

Kate yells at the nannies.

Kate fires the nannies.

Kate finds dirt in the corner of Jon’s bathroom.

Jon takes a break from his game to complain to the camera crew that Kate is mean.

The kids fight with each other.

Kate fights with Jon.

Kate fights with the kids.

The kids fight with the turtles.

The family goes on a picnic and someone eats Kate’s special “skinny” lunch. The day is ruined.

Bodyguard Steve Neild magically shows up with another “skinny” lunch to calm Kate down.

The turtles die.

The kids cry.

Final Episode. Kate threatens to give Jon his walking papers again, but leaves it hanging in case they are in need of money come next season. Jon buys a new Playstation3.

If the show does go into production, it is expected to draw millions in viewership and may just be the hottest show of the upcoming season. The only thing producers are waiting for is Jon to come crawling back to Kate and beg for her forgiveness, and for Kate to say yes. A generous salary advance for both of them for the first episode should pretty much clinch the deal.

Friday, August 3, 2012

China Loses Millions as Vuvuzelas Banned from 2012 Olympics

Listen carefully and you’ll hear something you didn’t hear at the 2010 World Cup…the sound of silence. As many will remember, the plastic horn known as the vuvuzela was the bane of the World Cup and had many fans ready to tear their hair out trying to focus on their favorite teams, only to go bonkers over the noise of the horns.

As a result of the ban, China has lost millions of dollars and has had to melt down the leftover vuvuzelas they were hoping to sell at the 2012 Olympics. The molten plastic will eventually be used to make an over-abundance of cheap toys for the upcoming holiday season, but officials say it won’t nearly make up for the amount of money made at the 2010 World Cup.

Street vendors in London say it may be months before they can get their money back from the manufacturers in China, claiming they (the manufacturers) knew of the ban long before they sold the worthless horns to unsuspecting vendors.

“It’s a pretty bad situation when we can’t even get the Americans to buy them anymore,” said Yu Su Mi, an export official for the Chinese Commerce Commission.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Chick-fil-A Manager Hugs Customer Inappropriately

Dennis Mitchell of Raleigh, NC claims he knew nothing about the controversy surrounding Chick-fil-A when he walked into a local store to purchase an order of chicken nuggets and a drink.

“All of a sudden, here comes the manager of the store from behind the counter, grabbing me and telling me ‘Thank you so much for your support. This means so much to me.’”

Mitchell claims the man looked like he was going to start kissing him, so he pushed the manager to the side, and ran out of the store without his lunch order.

“It was weird man. Was that guy gay or what?”

Karl Rove Secret Plan to Replace Mitt Romney with Jeb Bush

Karl Rove is tired of playing nice guy. In fact, those closest to him know that he reached his limit with Mitt Romney long before Romney was even declared the winner in the Republican primaries. While some folks thought Rove would simply suck it up and get behind the guy who is his party’s candidate, that just isn’t happening.

Spurred on by Dick Cheney, Rove has come up with a plan that will not only unseat Romney as the top Republican candidate at the Republican Convention in late August, but will most likely ensure Jeb Bush’s success at the polls in November.

“It’s a little thing I like to call “write-in votes,” said Rove at a recent meeting of extremely old and influential (up until now) Neo-Conservatives who have one purpose in mind—making sure Barack Obama doesn’t win a second term.

“We can’t do it with a dunderhead like Mitt Romney,” said Rove. “He’s beginning to make Sarah Palin look like a Rhodes Scholar.”

Rove told the crowd his ingenious plan. “Fortunately, Dick [Cheney] and I had the foresight to see this coming and began the process of filing the necessary paperwork in states that will allow it, to get our guy, Jeb Bush, on the ballots as a write-in candidate.”

Rove claims to not only have gotten all the paperwork squared away, but has already lined up the necessary electors in those state to assure a Bush victory.

“Is it the way we’d have liked to see Jeb Bush get on the ticket? No, of course not,” said Rove, “But the truth is, we don’t have the money to fight the Sheldon Adelsons and Koch Brothers, who don’t really share our views on world dominance, so we have to beat their money with strategic thinking,” he said.

“In the end, it really does come down to one thing…war.”

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Romney Calls Foul on Choice of First Presidential Debate Moderator

While it hasn’t been officially announced, the Romney camp claims that they have been told by unconfirmed sources that the moderator for the first Presidential Debate set to air on October 3, 2012 will be Katie Couric.

“Well, it could be worse,” quipped Stuart Stevens, the only optimist on Team Romney. “At least Couric won’t be interviewing Mitt.”

Stevens was referring, of course, to Couric’s infamous interview of Sarah Palin in 2008, right before the Presidential elections. Some say that interview put the nail in the coffin of John McCain’s campaign for President.

“She’s a sneaky snake, that Couric,” said another, less optimistic Romney aide.

“Whoever is responsible for choosing Couric is clearly a Liberal Commie Democrat, and we are going to fight this tooth and nail to see that we get a fair and impartial moderator for the first debate to make sure our boss doesn’t get taken down like Palin.

The aide was asked who then, if not Couric, would be mitt Romney’s choice for a moderator, someone who they thought could conduct a fair debate, or at least one where Romney doesn’t come off looking like a complete fool. The aide replied, “Um, all of 'em, any of 'em that, um, have, have been moderating over all these years….”