Monday, May 28, 2012

National Teacher of the Year Gives Obama A+ in Citizenship

A California teacher was named Teacher of the Year in April and as part of the distinction was flown to Washington, D.C. to receive the award from none other than President Obama.

Wanting only to be known as Mrs. M, the teacher appeared on the Ellen show recently to discuss her trip to the White House. She was asked her impressions of the President.

“Well, first off I’d like to say that he is about as down-to-earth as anyone and a very pleasant man.” 

Mrs. M marveled how she and the President got along so well that at one point they were sharing stories about their children.

“I couldn’t believe it,” she said. “Me and the President, I mean, the President and I, were actually comparing notes about how we are raising our kids…I mean, how awesome is that?”

Ellen agreed that the President was very easy to talk to when Mrs. M then blurted out “Oh and he is really hot. I mean he is tall, has a great smile, is thin…that man has it going on,” then blushed and commented that she probably shouldn’t have said that about the President of the United States, especially with her husband seated behind her at the ceremony.

No, Mrs. M. Calling the President un-American, a Muslim and a Socialist, among other things, is not appropriate. Calling him hot? Most American women would probably agree with you on that one.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Dick Cheney’s Duels Not Debates Suggestion Wows NRA

Official Dueling Pistols of the 2012 Presidential Campaign

Just when you thought Dick Cheney couldn’t top himself for thinking way out of the box, he comes up with another great idea, at least in the eyes of the NRA.

On a weekend news show, Cheney announced his latest plan to make the 2012 Presidential campaign something to write home about.

“It’s called Duels not Debates,” said Cheney, “and basically it is exactly what it sounds like. Let’s get Mitt and Barack out there someplace, preferably a western location, and have ourselves an old-fashioned duel.”

Cheney poo-poohed the idea that a duel was a bit too dangerous, possibly ending in disaster for at least one of the candidates.

“Really? What about Andrew Jackson? He participated in a duel with Charles Dickinson in 1806 and ended up becoming the only President to kill a man in a duel. Oh wait, bad example,” he said with a wry smile. “Let me give you a better example.”

Cheney then went on to cite other instances where duels solved political arguments without either party suffering serious injury. Cheney claims that while dueling is an extreme form of settling issues, it is quite an effective method of spurring on agreement quicker than any debate can.

“Ask any real American what he would prefer, and I can guarantee, hands down, he’ll choose a duel over a debate any day,” said Cheney, who bases his opinion on an informal poll he took at a recent gun show in Roanoke, Virginia. He claims the men he asked gave an overwhelmingly “thumbs-up” sign to the duel.

“Back in the days when men were men, duels were the preferred method of settling political debates, so why shouldn’t we at least consider this as an option in this year’s election?”

“Uh, because someone might get killed?” asked the interviewer.

“Look,” replied Cheney, “You give me and Ted Nugent just one weekend alone in the woods with Mitt Romney, and I guarantee we’ll have us a Presidential winner, and all Obama will lose is maybe a bit of pride.”

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Truck Spills 55,000 Pounds of Beer; Obama Declares Day of Mourning

Bongo was specially trained for just
this type of disaster

VOLUSIA COUNTY, FL - A semi truck carrying thousands of gallons of beer overturned in Volusia County early Tuesday morning, spilling beer over the northbound lanes of I-95.

Police say hundreds of cases of bottled beer were lost in one of the worst beer spills in recent history.

The driver, Spuds Rodriguez from Miami, who suffered nothing more than a bruised ego, claims another semi forced him off the road, causing him to lose control of the truck carrying the valuable cargo. Here’s what he had to say:

“Oh mi Dios.”

Several people stopped to try and salvage what was left of the broken bottles of beer but many were so devastated, they could only stand around shaking their heads. At one point, Police had to protect Rodriguez from a growing angry mob.

One driver, who’d been training his dog Bongo for years to fetch him his beer from a fridge was the only level-headed bystander around. Police did stop him but not before he was able to get quite a bit of the unbroken bottles safely to his Jeep.

Upon word of the spill, President Obama ordered all work to stop at the White House and asked for a moment of prayer. He also asked Congress to pass an emergency measure to make May 22nd a national day of mourning. Flags around the country were expected to fly at half mast, and it is quite possible that Bongo will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroic effort in trying to save the few beer bottles that survived the horrific crash.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Analysts Indicate Facebook Users Could Take Down Facebook in a Heartbeat

While Facebook boasts that its users cannot live without it, the truth is that without its users, Facebook could not survive. The highly touted public offering has finally arrived, but there is just one huge thing that puts a damper on all those billions changing hands as we speak…Facebook is nothing without its users, those fickle, fickle people who think nothing of friending someone one day and then unfriending them the next.

Not the sort of thing a company can really base a financial standing on then is it? These days, all it takes is a couple of keystrokes and a major petition drive is moments away from adding thousands or even millions of dissidents to their cause--with the right momentum of course.

In Facebook’s case, the entire future of the company relies on what made it so popular in the first place…being able to voice your opinion about what is near and dear to your heart. Those with the most friends get the most hits, and just like a high school clique, you’re in one day, out the next.

When going public, a company must show that it can post earnings to back up its worth. Facebook, while continuing to tell everyone it is worth more than the estimated $104 Billion dollars the IPO could bring in, cannot really prove that it will make a dime after the IPO, especially if the bulk of its users decided to stop using it and go to other social media sites such as Google + or Pinterest or better yet, join Facebook Users Anonymous to rid themselves of their Facebook addictions altogether.

“If a goodly number of Facebook users decided they didn’t like the fact that someone was making that much money off them while they got nothing more than a free pass to talk to their friends, which they could still do over the phone or by e-mail anyway, Facebook could make, and lose, approximately $100 Billion dollars literally within hours of each other,” said one financial adviser who claims that those who invested already in Facebook have a 50/50 chance of making lots of money or losing their shirts.

"So, while they may tell you that it is more complicated than that, the truth of the matter is, Facebook better be kissing some grassroots heiney big time, cause if there’s one thing I know about myself and my friends, we don’t like being taken for granted. More than that, though, we love a good joke if it plays out right."

He then added "The future of Facebook is literally in our hands. Say, wouldn’t it be funny if…"

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Governor Scott Walker Declares State-Wide Burn Ban Leading Up to Recall Election

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has officially declared a state-wide emergency burn ban in response to reports that dozens of campaign signs on behalf of the embattled governor are going up in flames.

The move, while politically necessary according to sources close to Walker, may totally backfire as more and more Cheeseheads realize their backyard bratwurst grilling will be severely curtailed.

“I have the entire clan coming for Memorial Day,” said Lester “Les” Wlkjkewsowski, a life-long resident of Fox Point, Wisconsin. “We were planning our annual three-day wurst fest when news of the burn ban hit.”

While Wlkjkewsowski says he is not happy with the Governor’s mandate, he understands why it had to be initiated. Wlkjkewsowski says he’ll take it on the chin this once and just boil his wieners in beer and serve them up that way in support of Walker.

Meanwhile, other residents aren’t as eager to let things lie. Harold Jankowckicz is directing his anger toward those whom he suspects burned the signs that led to the burn ban.

“It was that liberal couple, Mel and Molly Miller, who just moved here from the big city,” said  Jankowckicz, referring to Milwaukee.

Sonja  Jankowckicz agrees.

“While I’m sure they are the ones who burned the signs, I see this as a larger problem,” said the ample Polish resident. “I heard through the grapevine that the Millers hate the smell of meat grilling and have made threats to bring down the meat eaters in this town.”

“It was only a matter of time,” said Jankowckicz, “before the vegans invaded our meat-lover’s paradise.”

This, however, may just be the tip of the iceberg. Wlkjkewsowski says he and many of the other conservative residents of Fox Point are poised for a much larger battle to come.

“Word on the street is, the Millers also hate beer and polka music,” said Les, who says he is extremely fearful that the weekly gathering at the local gazebo to enjoy a brewski and listen to the local polka band, Don Wurlitzer and the Schnitzel Dogs, will be turned into what he calls “a blubbering lib fest complete with wine tastings and soulful, indy bands.”

Sunday, May 13, 2012

American-Made Product Found at Thrift Store

GARY, IN - Helen Schrum was putting a new box of tissues inside an old plastic tissue box holder she bought last month at the Salvation Army when she noticed an odd label inside. The label read “Made in America.” She claims it was the first such label she’d ever remembered seeing.

“I never would have guessed,” said Schrum. “It looked every bit like a Chinese knock off. White opaque lucite plastic with colorful fishes printed on the side. I never noticed the label before. For some reason, I was convinced I’d gotten it at a local discount store someplace and that it was made in China.”

After some online research, Schrum, who is 31, learned that back in the not-so-distant past, products such as her handy tissue box holder were actually made right here in America. She also learned that approximately 65% of the used products being offered in America’s thrift stores have “Made in America” stamped on them.

“When I saw that label, something inside me jumped for joy,” said Schrum. “At some point in history, Americans were able to produce a quality product without help from the Chinese, Malaysians, Japanese…hell, just about every other country out there,” she said enthusiastically.

Schrum says finding that tissue box holder has changed the way she looks at America.

“While I’ll still buy most of my stuff from the discount stores, I’ll at least do it with a bit more pride, knowing that there was a time when Americans made way better plastic stuff than the Chinese.”

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Barack Obama Thanks Bristol Palin for Unsolicited Parental Advice

No ma'am. I only appear to have
a PhD in Child Psychology

Barack Obama made sure to acknowledge the wise words he received indirectly Friday from Bristol Palin with regards to his stance on same-sex marriage.

“We are just incredibly thankful to have someone as mature and wise as Bristol Palin taking such an interest in the way Michelle and I are raising our girls, Sasha and Malia,” said the President from one of the many stops he made today on the campaign trail.

Obama was referring to the remarks Palin made in a blog post where she stated that she believed, as a father, Barack Obama was a bit misguided in allowing his young daughters to help shape his opinions on such important matters as same-sex marriage.

“Oh, I’m just so glad to be in a position to share my years of experience with the Obamas,” said the 21-year old daughter of former Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.

“I had to rebel, get pregnant, have a child out of wedlock, raise it on my own, and get a job in the entertainment business before my mother would even discuss anything of this much importance with me,” said Palin.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Mitt Romney Reveals He Was Ruthlessly Bullied in School

Admits receiving an atomic wedgie that turned him into bully

Mitt Romney is fighting back against his political attackers saying he became a bully only after being a victim of bullying himself. Romney says he felt he had to address the stories being reported about his days of bullying while attending the Cranbrook School.

In a rare and candid interview by Greta Van Susteren on Fox News Thursday evening, Romney came close to crying as he revealed the torture he endured at the hands of his classmates.

“I wasn’t as popular as you think,” said Romney, head held down and not looking at anyone in particular. “Oh, it started out innocently enough, towel snaps in the gym locker room, taunts and teases, calling me names like ‘tall handsome guy’ and ‘rich kid,’ it wasn’t a fun time.”

Romney said that someone was always hoping to take the most popular kid down.

“I was like Quick Draw McGraw, the fastest gun in the west,” said Romney. “Everyone wanted to out-shoot me in everything and they couldn’t, so they gave me wedgies instead.

Romney claims he got his first wedgie at age 12. 

“I was already in trouble because my voice was changing. I remember getting ready to go on stage to read a poem I wrote. My mom and dad were there, other parents, it was a proud moment and just before I went on stage, Jeff Roberts gave me an atomic wedgie. You can pretty well figure out what happened next. It was devastating.”

From that day forward, Romney had to constantly watch his back, and that one incident, he says, turned him into the bully he became. 

“I was fighting back by being a bully myself. I never let on about the pain I was enduring internally. School kids can be so darned cruel,” he told Van Susteren.

“I can’t count the number of wedgies I received during high school. Why even at Bain [Bain Capital, private equity firm Romney headed], I received at least a couple wedgies from my colleagues. Seems I'm always looking behind me just to make sure someone else isn't in line ready to take me down again."

A shocked and astonished Greta Van Susteren asked Romney “Why, sir, we had no idea the pain you’ve gone through. If people only knew the half of the story, they certainly wouldn’t be so quick to judge.”

Romney nodded his head in agreement. “You know Greta, one need only look at the way I walk to understand just how painful my prep school days really were.”

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

New Romney Wardrobe to Include Fire-Retardant Fabrics

The Romney camp announced today that it is sparing no expense in maintaining the safety of their candidate during the months leading up to the Presidential election in November. In particular, it was decided that Romney’s chief tailor will now be required to use fire-retardant fabrics in crafting the candidate’s wardrobe.

“It has recently come to our attention that many of Mitt’s closest advisers worry that with all the falsehoods he is going to have to tell in order to garner the majority of the vote, his pants actually could catch fire, and it is a big concern to all of us,” said Josie Carmichael, one of Romney’s top fashion stylists.

The fabrics, which are carbon-based, will be used to line all of Mitt Romney’s suits. In addition, his tailor has been asked to create a line of fire-retardant underwear just to be on the safe side.

The decision was made this week after Romney told a Cleveland reporter that he was comfortable taking credit for the auto industry’s comeback.

“We know, and he knows, that simply wasn’t true,” said one of Romney’s closest advisers, Hal Thurston. “We took a heck of a chance letting him [Romney] go out there and lie like that without protection.”

While Romney got away with a whopper this time, the camp felt it was just too risky to not take some sort of action.

“It was either start telling the truth or find a way to protect Mitt while allowing him to continue telling falsehoods,” said Thurston. “Obviously, you don’t win an election by telling the truth.”

In addition to making the changes to Romney’s wardrobe, extra precautions will now be taken to ensure that the seating in each of the venues Romney visits will have flame-retardant furniture to protect the dozen or so people who show up to hear his speeches.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Ted Nugent Flies into Rage over Romney Gaffe

Ted Nugent blasted the Republican Party’s nominee for President today calling him a sorry-ass excuse for a Confederate leader after hearing Romney pronounce his name wrong several times at a fundraising event.

“It’s the Nuge, the Nuge…THA NOOOOOGE” screamed Nugent at a big-screen television he was watching at one of his favorite watering holes in Texas. “There’s no “D” in Nuge. I’m not a fuc*ing nudge, you freakin’ moron,” he continued his tirade.

With that, the Nuge, or Uncle Ted as he likes to be called when in his other polar state, got out his cell phone and speed-dialed Romney to give him a lesson in pronunciation.

He was overheard saying “Ok, yeah, yeah, nice to speak to you too turd brain. Now listen…What? No I said turd brain. It’s not raining here. I didn’t call about the weather.” (pause).

Nugent continued “If I wanted a fuc*ing weather report from fu*king whoknowswhereman, I’d have asked for one. Now look you dimwitted dinkwad, I just want to…no, Willard freakin’ Scott, it ain’t snowing here either…”

And then, “Let me talk to the little lady…thanks…Hi, Ann?” said Nugent into the phone. “Listen tell that dim bulb husband of yours to stop calling me the Nudge, you got it? This is the tenth time this week I’ve had to call him. It’s a little excessive, don’t you think?” (pause, listening)

“Ok Ann, I understand, sorry to have bothered you,” and with that Ted hung up and turned to his bar mates, “She thinks I call too much…that I ask for too many favors, and, if you can fu*king believe it, wants me to stop bringing my guns to the dinner parties.”

With that, the Nuge finished his beer and walked into the night mumbling “What is this fu*king world coming to?”

In somewhat related news, Dick Cheney was caught calling Romney last week on his cell phone while waiting for dinner at his favorite exotic meat restaurant, The Serengeti Warehouse.

“Hi Ann, is Mitt there? (pause) Hi Mitt…doin’ good, doin’ good. Pretty much back to my old self…Hey, listen, buddy, by any chance you got some free time to go bird hunting with me this month?”

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Rupert Murdock Resigns from News Corp, Starts "The Sun Acres Newsletter"

WHITE PLAINS, NY - The news this week, that Rupert Murdoch is not fit to run News Corp as Chairman and CEO, has hit Murdoch pretty hard according to close friends and business acquaintances. Not one to let any moss grow under his feet, however, Murdoch has already made a major decision on the heels of this latest criticism of his mental stability.

“Ok, so they think I’m not fit, huh?” said the veteran newsman from his suite at the Sun Acres Sanitarium in White Plains, NY. “Well, I’ll show them who’s boss,” he smiled broadly as his round-the-clock quality living assistant mopped a bit of drool from the corner of his mouth.

“I’ve decided to go back to my roots. Write the simple stuff only a simpleton can write. Why, just the other day, three of our residents went missing for a bit. Alzheimer’s or some other type of memory problem…I thought to myself—actually, asked myself as I’m wont to do lately due to the voices in my head urging me to converse more—‘Who the hell needs to read about a missing person story?’ Hell, in this place, you can practically set your watch by someone going missing every damned hour. News? Not likely,” snarled the uncommonly lucid media magnate.

He continued his tirade. “Now you give the masses a missing persons story involving three separate missing persons gone missing all at once, and throw in an alien spacecraft to jazz up the story a bit and that, my friends, is NEWS,” he said gleefully as the nurses came in to check his sheets.

Murdoch says he had an epiphany. “I’ll never be able to escape the news and will probably be writing my own obituary, but if I play my cards right, I can escape prosecution.”

Murdoch figures that by using his time to publish a little rag in this Podunk corner of the world until the heat subsides, it might just convince everyone he must be nuts.

“Besides,” he said, “sure beats the hell out of crocheting lap blankets.”