Thursday, April 26, 2012

Startling Poll Results Indicate Why Romney Can’t Win Women’s Vote

Republicans are doing everything they can to turn the tides on the upcoming election and get women voters to change their minds about Mitt Romney. A recent poll shows it is going to be virtually impossible.

According to results of a recent national poll taken by women ages 30 to 65, over three-quarters of the participants stated they would vote for Barack Obama, not because he’s the best man for the job, but because they have a mad crush on him.

“You could have knocked me over with a feather,” said Barney Frumm, the man in charge of collecting and assimilating the data from the polls. “The President appears to be somewhat of a sex symbol with women in this country, and that could spell doom with a double “D” for Mitt Romney.

What has Republicans stumped is how this could have happened, especially in light of the fact that the poll was taken right after President Obama appeared on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” where he participated in a segment of the show called the slow jam news. Republicans believe good solid Republican women should never have fallen for such a cheap trick.

Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the poll results by saying “What the hell just happened here folks? The President all of a sudden is the most popular guy with the gals? Have you women all gone completely insane? Are you all sluts?”

One of the questions answered in the poll may be the key to just why Barack Obama has come to be known as one of the sexiest Presidents in United States history, trailing John F. Kennedy by mere points.

“It’s not a power thing with these woman,” said Frumm. “From what we can tell, it was the question ‘With whom do you associate Barack Obama more, George Washington, Booker T. Washington, or Barry White?’ The answer was a clear Barry White,” concluded Frumm.

“Actually,” said Frumm, “some of the participants called the President by his nickname ‘Barry’ when asked which political candidate seems to enter their thoughts more often these days.”

When asked if he had any comment on the poll results, Mitt Romney simply broke into a slow rendition of Pat Boone’s “Why Baby Why.”

“That,” says Frumm, “pretty much sums up why Mitt Romney doesn't have  much chance at all of winning a majority of the women's vote in November.”

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Oklahoma Woman Arrested for Cooking Hash; Ted Nugent Talks Turkey

Be Vewwy Quiet. I'm huntin' turkeys...

NORMAN, Okla. – A perfect storm of a misread new law on the books, an already stressed-to-the-max police team, and a whole lot of miscommunication sent a Norman, Oklahoma housewife to jail this weekend on charges of cooking hash.

Glaycie Mae Herndon was booked into the Cleveland County Jail Friday night on suspicion of converting marijuana into hashish.

Cleveland County Jail spokesperson, Darcy Wilkins said that Mrs. Herndon was brought in after police responded to a neighbor’s call reporting someone cooking hash and “almost burning the neighborhood down.”

When police arrived, Glaycie Mae was in the kitchen trying to put a fire out on the stove.

“My hash. My turkey hash is a burnin,” cried Glaycie Mae as officers rushed to put out the fire.

“It smelt bad,” said Officer John Dingle, “real bad.  So naturally, when we heard Turkish hash, we automatically arrested Miss Glaycie Mae and took her down to the jail.”

Just this past week, the Oklahoma Senate passed a bill that will send anyone to jail for life if found guilty of converting marijuana to hash. The city has been on high alert ever since, and the police officers involved say they were just doing their job.

“Little did we know Ms. Herdon, who incidentally was a little fried herself, was cooking turkey hash for her family when the whole skillet went up in flames,” said Dingle.

Upon her release from jail, Glaycie Mae was asked to give her side of the story. “I weren’t even using no pot,” she said. “I was using my old iron skillet like I always do.”

Turkeys were all over the news last week.

In a somewhat related news item, Ted Nugent has provided a statement to the press indicating how his meeting with the Secret Service on Thursday went. 

Nugent had been accused of using some rather strong language against President Obama at last weekend’s annual NRA meeting in St. Louis, Missouri, and the Secret Service wanted a chance to ask him about his comments.

Upon leaving the meeting, Nugent had this to say: “It’s all cool--just a big old misunderstanding. When I told my fellow Republicans to ‘ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off' in November, I was talking about a turkey shoot I was planning just before Thanksgiving," said Nugent. 

"It had nothing whatsoever to do with any violence directed toward our political enemies.”

Friday, April 20, 2012

Ann Romney Offered Job as Newest Real Housewife on Bravo

Bravo network has reportedly offered Ann Romney a chance to become the latest real housewife to appear in their wildly popular reality series Real Housewives.

The offer comes on the heels of Mrs. Romney’s tiff with Hilary Rosen regarding what constitutes a working woman. While Ann Romney claims she has worked hard raising five boys as a stay-at-home mom, some women voters believe there is a real disconnect when it comes to Romney understanding just how difficult it is for a majority of moms who work outside the home and raise a family.

“A few of us working moms at Bravo thought what a great idea it would be to give Ann Romney a chance to experience what it is really like to work outside the home,” said Hannah Diverston, one of the people in charge of creating new shows for the reality network.

“The only problem we have now,” said Diverston, “is figuring out which program to showcase Mrs. Romney on this upcoming season.”

Diverston is referring to the fact that the Romneys own several homes around the country, and the mansion they own in La Jolla would qualify Mrs. Romney to join the cast on either The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or The Real Housewives of Orange County.

“La Jolla, California is pretty much right smack dab in the middle of either setting, give or take a few miles,” said Diverston.

“And then there is the election in November,” she added.

“There’s always a chance of Mitt Romney becoming our next President, if he can shore up the much needed women’s vote,” she said with a wink.

“In that case, we were thinking what a great opportunity to breathe life back into the The Real Housewives of DC,” the only show in the The Real Housewives series, says Diverston, that didn’t get renewed for a second season.

Diverston claims that regardless of the outcome of the election in November, Bravo feels fortunate to have someone with as many options as Ann Romney join the series.

“In her case,” said a jubilant Diverston, “I’m sure she’ll create quite a stir no matter what cast she lands on.”

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Loose Cannon Shows Up at Annual NRA Meeting

A cannon that had been reported missing for a few days showed up just in time to become a spectacle at the annual NRA meeting in St. Louis this past weekend.

“We were worried,” said Andy Jackson, a heavy artillery weapons specialist who was at the convention selling everything from flak jackets to rocket launchers.

“This thing has been known to go off without provocation, and we needed to get it back into our hands before it did some serious damage. That, and the fact that just about everyone here has come out to see it,” purred Jackson while lovingly stroking the returned loose cannon.

“This here’s my favorite weapon, bar none, and I was so relieved that it was returned to us virtually unscratched,” said the weapons dealer.

Adding, “I just love the sound it makes when it gets fired up and shoots off its rounds.”

Ed. Note: Any comments in this story resembling a reference to Ted Nugent are purely coincidental.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Political Activist Group Petition Drive Runs Amok

The Political Activist Group "Making Change” is reaching out to their contributor base, asking for ideas for new petitions to keep the heat on Washington and Wall Street. Problem is, folks are using it for personal gripes and shying away from the big issues.

“There are only so many trees you can save…literally,” said Gertrude Weinstein, a 70-year old activist who just submitted her own petition trying to pass a law allowing senior citizens to submit claims to Medicare for grey market mobility scooters. Weinstein and others have found that they have lots of time on their hands and a whole bundle of issues they’d like to see addressed from defective adult diapers to making early-bird specials mandatory at all restaurants.

Making Change admits asking ordinary citizens to contribute ideas for petitions may have been a bad idea. “While we state clearly on our site that we are looking for the best ideas to promote a progressive agenda through the petition process, something has gotten lost in the translation,” said Sarah Birkenstock, head of public relations at Making Change.

In one day, Birkenstock says Making Change received petitions to deal with everything from Rush Limbaugh’s push to keep pill mills pumping out the Oxycontin to changing the National Anthem to Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way.”

“So far, our site and dozens of others have brought focus to about a million gazillion causes through petition drives, and we have found that regardless of whether or not the net is becoming overly polluted with petitions for every political and social cause under the sun, people are still signing them left and right,” she said.

Asked if possibly trying to persuade folks to get personally involved instead of just sitting at a desk and signing petitions might be a better route to take, Sarah responded, “Are you kidding? Try getting a group of folks together to actually get out the vote or show up for town hall meetings or any number of other civic-minded duties and you’d think you’re asking them for a kidney. But put them in front of a small screen, ask them to put their support behind a recall election by clicking on a box with their name and address already filled in for them, and you’ve got a million signatures in one evening.”

Birkenstock says she’s just as bad as the rest of them.

“I had one come across my desk the other day, I kid you not,” said Birkenstock, “that read ‘Tell Washington no more petitions.’ I realized I’d signed it before I’d even read it.”

Saturday, April 14, 2012

North Korean Restaurant Chain Closes as Food Aid Cancelled

Kim Jong II to Kim Jong I, Do you read me?

PYONGYANG –A new North Korean restaurant chain delayed the launch of several new locations after the United States announced it would no longer provide food aid to the country.

Dim Sun Korean Restaurants, Ltd. claims that what was looking to be a very profitable enterprise taking advantage of all the free food that was finally flowing into the country via the United States has come to a grinding halt after N. Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un broke his word and went ahead with a rocket launch instead.

The restaurant chain’s American marketing director, Larry Herndon, says he was very disappointed to hear of the Supreme Leader’s decision to disregard the pact he made with President Obama, leaving Obama no alternative but to cancel the aid.

“The fast-food industry around the world has reached such a saturation point that our only alternative was to find a place that had never heard of the fast-food concept and try it there. When food aid started pouring into N. Korea, we instantly knew we’d found our market,” said Herndon.

“Were we worried something like this would happen?” asked a dejected Herndon. “Sure we were. But we followed the President’s lead in believing a new day was dawning in North Korea, and the Junior Jong would be a more honorable man,” replied Herndon. He admitted he couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Guess in this case, the missile doesn’t fall far from the launch pad,” he concluded.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Something Scarier than Friday the 13th?

Many folks have a fear of the number thirteen, a phobia known as triskaidekaphobia. Taking that one step further, those who fear the number 13, when the date happens to fall on a Friday, suffer from parskevidekatriaphobia-- that it is an irrational fear of Friday the 13th.

Couple that, or triple it in the case of 2012, when not one or two, but actually three times we’ll see the 13th fall on a Friday, and that has some people just about jumping out of buildings.

It is not surprise then, that a professor at Penn State has concluded studies and determined that there are more than a few folks walking among us who suffer from a very complicated combination of fears that has them not only fearing the number 13 and Friday the 13th but also the dishonest ways of Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. The three fears combined form a perfect storm of phobias known as Mittotrickstertriskaidekaphobia.

Dr. Sven Jorgenssen of Penn State says he has been studying phobias for the past 20 years and has never come across a more insidious set of fears in one person. While rare, the doctor claims that he has found at least 327 of the 1000 subjects tested have some degree of the triple phobia.

“That says to me that almost one in three people in the United States have a fear of Mitt Romney which is compounded on Friday the 13th,” said Jorgenssen. “The implications are far-reaching,” he added.

Dr. Jorgenssen says he was astounded at the results. It appears that a compound set of phobias, especially ones in which the subject has superstitious but irrational fears of a certain thing, in this case, Friday the 13th, combined with a quite rational fear of something or someone, in this case Mitt Romney, may determine whether or not that person will leave his home on that day or stay cowering inside a closet until Saturday, the 14th.

Looking back to January 13, 2012, when Mitt Romney was in South Carolina to drum up votes for the primary on January 21, Jorgenssen notes that only a handful of brave souls showed up to listen to Romney speak. He [Jorgenssen] is confident this is the reason Romney lost the primary in that state to Newt Gingrich the following week.

With primaries coming up on April 24 in five New England states, Jorgenssen predicts that on the Friday the 13th leading up to those primaries, Mitt Romney will have an embarrassingly low turnout of voters and may suffer because of it. He further claims that, while he is still conducting the studies, Jorgenssen believes that Friday, July 13th will bring the biggest embarrassment of Romney’s political career, when people inflicted with Mittotrickstertriskaidekaphobia reaches unprecedented levels.

“If Ron Paul can hang in there long enough,” predicts Jorgenssen, “he may just have a shot after all of winning the whole shebang.”

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Five-Year Old Child Prodigy Channeling Frank Zappa

Ezra and Zoe Weinbaum of Hollywood, Florida are finally ready to accept the fact that they may just have a child prodigy on their hands. Their son, Zach, has shown musical talent almost since he was able to coo, and now, he has taken up the strange activity of turning his bicycle upside down and playing it as an instrument.

“We bought him that bike for Christmas this past year, when Zach was four,” said dad, Ezra, “and we put training wheels on it so we could teach him how to ride it. Almost immediately, he demanded we take the training wheels off.”

Zoe chimed in, “At that point, we thought, ‘wow, Zach is going big boy on us pretty fast,’” she said smiling. “Little did we know our child had no intention of ever getting on that bike to ride it.”

Instead, say the Weinbaums, Zach found an old pair of knitting needles in his mom’s sewing basket, went outside to the bike, turned it upside down, and began to play songs on the spokes of the tires.

“We were flabbergasted,” said Ezra. “We wondered if our son was somehow ‘different’ than all the other kids on the block.”

Zoe says her mom, Eva came over one day and noticed Zach in the garage ‘playing the bike’ as usual and threw her hands to her face “Oi vey, where did he learn to do that?,” Eva asked?

“I don’t know,” replied Zoe. “He just started doing it. We have no idea what would make him do such a thing. He refuses to ride that bicycle but will come out here most of the day and find ways to make it sound like music. We are stumped.”

“I’ve seen this done before,” said Eva, “on an old television show in the 60’s called The Steve Allen Show. I watched a young musician named Frank Zappa play two bicycles as a drum set, a horn, and even a cello. I think Zach may be channeling Zappa.”

The two women looked at each other in disbelief. “I don’t believe I know who Frank Zappa is,” said Zoe.

“My God,” said Eva, ignoring her daughter’s ignorance of the genius that was Frank Zappa. “If this is true, your lives are going to change forever.”

Eva smiled. “So? He becomes famous, what’s so bad in that?”

“No, no, “said Eva, “have you ever heard Frank Zappa play the cello on the spokes of a bicycle tire?”

Sunday, April 8, 2012

States Unwittingly Promote Masturbation by Prohibiting Gateway Sexual Activity

SALT LAKE CITY - In a poll taken of students in several states including Utah and Wisconsin, where new laws have been enacted to promote abstinence only as a way to prevent unwanted pregnancies, it was discovered that masturbation has sharply increased.

Lawmakers in several states have taken up the cause of dictating what can and cannot be taught to students in sex education classes. Many of those lawmakers claim that abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. But now, they are taking their Victorian-era ideas one step further.

“These kids need to be taught to keep their hands to themselves,” said Tennessee state legislator, Markus Mark. “It all starts with a little flirtation, then there’s hand holding and kissing, and before you know it, they’re doing the boinkety-boink in the back seat of daddy’s car. Nosiree, we ain’t having none of that,” he said sternly.

Last month a bill was passed in Utah that basically told schools they have the right to opt out of sex education, while prohibiting any talk about pre-marital sex or homosexuality. The bill said nothing about masturbation, however.

Utah lawmaker, Morton Kemper was asked about the apparent loophole in the law he helped push through the Utah Senate.

“Listen, as long as they ain’t touchin’ each other, I don’t have a problem at all with them touchin’ themselves all they want. At least they ain’t spreading any deadly diseases or making babies our taxpayers are gonna end up having to support.”

In a related story, the sports department of Morgan High School in Morgan, Utah has been ordered to change the name of its football team.

“For obvious reasons,” said Morgan High School Principal, Mavis Tingly, “we can no longer call ourselves the ‘Home of the Trojans.’”

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Scott Walker’s Wife Withholds Sex Over War on Women’s Rights

MADISON, Wis. - Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is a little ‘blue’ these days since his wife decided to take a stand against her husband’s continuing attack on women’s rights.

At the annual Maple Bluff Garden Club meeting on Friday, the first lady of Wisconsin told her close friends that certain actions by her husband of late—well actually, every since she’s known him—have finally pushed her over the edge.

Tonette Walker, or ‘Toni’ as she’s known throughout the local social scene, hinted to fellow Garden Club members that her ‘flower garden’ is off limits to her husband until he gets a clue as to how important women’s rights are in this country.

Toni claims it is the first time she’s ever taken a stand against her husband; but, after noting the underhanded way Walker secretly signed a bill into law which would strip women of their right to equal pay, she realized he could do the same to her if they ever divorced.

“Why, he could be squirreling money away right now as we speak, and I’d never know about it,” said Toni, who added tearfully “It’s not all roses living with a political heavyweight,” as she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

Ironically, the same day the Governor signed the bill to repeal the 2009 Equal Pay Enforcement Act, he also signed into law a bill requiring schools that teach sex education to stress abstinence, not contraceptives, as the only way to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Avid Golfer Vilifies Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice.

“The girls in the office knew not to bother me on Wednesdays,” said Mac, “unless, of course, someone was dying,” he added.

So when Mac overheard a woman at his favorite golf pro shop ask the clerk what the heaviest club in the set was, he assumed she wanted to know which club would drive the ball the farthest. What he heard next though came about as close to heresy as he could imagine.

Clerk: “So, ma’am, are you looking to replace one of your irons or is this a gift?”

Woman: “Oh, neither,” she said. “I don’t golf.”

Mac leaned in, intent on knowing just what, then, this woman was doing in such a holy place if she, in fact, was not a golfer.

“I’m just so afraid of guns,” she told the clerk, who by now looked extremely puzzled.

“But one whack of this sucker upside the head,” said the woman, lifting the 9 iron she had chosen to purchase, “and it’s adios Mr. Burglar.”

The woman then paid her money and left.

“If she’s going to desecrate a sport,” said Mac angrily as he approached the counter with his own purchase, “why the hell didn’t she just go out and buy a baseball bat?”

And added, as he finalized his own purchase, “This is the precise reason the Augusta National Golf Club doesn’t allow women as members.”

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Mitt Romney Claims Elephants Definitely Not Disappearing

One of Romney's Many Elephants

Now that Mitt Romney has a commanding lead in the GOP primaries, reporters are beginning to ask him more difficult questions in order to determine just how ready he is to be America’s next President.

Today, after Romney was declared the winner in all three primary elections, one reporter decided to test the candidate on current events.

“Mr. Romney, it has recently been reported that elephants are quickly disappearing and there may come a day soon when the elephant no longer exists. Can you tell us where you stand on that?”

Romney, ever one to give totally off-the-cuff replies, didn’t skip a beat.

“Well, as you know, I am a Republican and so is my wife, Ann,” said Romney. “And, for as long as I can remember, the elephant has always been the symbol of the GOP. So, over the years, my wife and I have collected elephants. We’ve bought some ourselves and have also gotten elephants in every shape and form from family and friends. You know how it is when someone finds out you are a collector,” he said. “It makes gift giving that much easier.”

Romney then began to tick off just how many elephants he has.

“We’ve got about 2 or 3 elephant tea pots, several large elephant statues in our garden, a couple of ceramic elephants on our mantle at home, and so many other elephant-shaped bric-a-brac that I just can’t count them all,” he said.

“So, in answer to your question, I hardly believe there will ever come a day when the elephant doesn’t exist,” said Romney.

“Of course, it would be nice to get rid of a few of them because Ann says it’s hell on the maids having to keep them all dusted.”

Monday, April 2, 2012

Detroit Board of Education Stunned at Revolt by Highly Perceptive Students

DETROIT - Top educators in Detroit are scratching their heads and wondering how they could have missed the fact that their city schools are filled with kids who actually want to learn.

Their first and only clue came last Thursday when about 50 students who attend Frederick Douglass Academy in the Motor City left their classrooms and began protesting in front of the school.

No, it wasn’t because pink slime had been banned from the cafeteria. It wasn’t because they weren’t allowed to bring their cell phones to school, and it wasn’t because there was too much homework—quite the opposite.

Students at the all-boy academy were actually complaining because there was no homework. In fact, the protest arose because the students say they are being denied the right to a decent education.

“Who knew,” said Faye Cradenshul, a key administrator who works for the Detroit Public School System.

“I mean, who knew they would even notice if we just sat them in classrooms and let them fend for themselves. We figured they’d be happy as a bunch of Ferris Buellers,” she said, referring to the infamous movie about a high school kid who faked illness to get a day off school.

In reality, it was the teachers who were acting like a bunch of Buellers, one of which so far has tallied more than 68 days of sick time, leaving the students to teach themselves math.

Evidently, the self-teaching paid off as the students were able to put two and two together in order to realize they were getting one raw deal from Detroit educators.

Unfortunately, the protest backfired. Instead of getting teachers to realize they were willing to sit in class and actually learn something, the student protesters were suspended and sent home.

“That’ll teach them a lesson they’ll never forget,” said Cradenshul.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Jon Stewart Threatens to Quit over Olbermann Hiring

NEW YORK - Rumors of Comedy Central hiring progressive news host Keith Olbermann has Jon Stewart threatening to quit and go elsewhere to peddle his brand of humor. Stewart, who shares billing with what he calls “The Best Fu#@ing News Team Ever,” was visibly shaken upon hearing the news first hand from a TMZ reporter after leaving the Sushiden on Madison Avenue early Sunday afternoon.

“You have got to be fu#@ing kidding me,” said Stewart while simultaneously telling his wife to get his agent on the phone immediately. “Wait, hold that. This is an April Fool’s joke, right?” he asked the reporter.

Assured by the reporter that the story came from verified sources, Stewart replied that he wasn’t convinced this wasn’t some kind of hoax played on him by one of his friends.

Stewart said he’d rather work for Fox News than share the same studio space with Olbermann, who he claims is one of the unfunniest guys he’s ever met.

“You want funny? Hire Bill O’Reilly,” Stewart reportedly told TMZ.