Saturday, March 31, 2012

Comedy Central Hires Keith Olbermann

Keith Olbermann was fired Friday by Current TV for breach of contract. Fortunately for Olbermann, he won’t have to start a new Countdown for the days since his firing or days until his new job. That’s because Olbermann was immediately hired by Comedy Central on the advice of Emmy Award-winning writer and producer Eddy Spageddi.

“Keith Olbermann cracks me up,” said Spageddi, who seems to have a second sense when it comes to finding comedic talent, having a hand in recommending guys like Daniel Tosh, Dave Attell and others.  Spageddi was asked why he would recommend hiring a guy like Olbermann, who has a reputation for being one of the most serious guys around when it comes to progressive issues.

“Honestly? I think people just don’t get him,” said Spageddi. “Maybe I’m missing something, but I think Keith takes sarcasm and irony to a level so far above anyone I’ve ever met, including the likes of Stephen Colbert.”

Spageddi says he got hooked on Olbermann when he [Olbermann] was still with MSNBC.

“I would regularly sit down to unwind after a grueling day at the Central, roll a fattie and turn on Olbermann. The guy had me in stitches almost every night,” he said. Spageddi concludes that Olbermann just hasn’t found his target market yet and believes Current TV is nuts to let him go.

“Their loss, our gain,” said Spageddi. “Fortunately, here at Comedy Central, we have plenty of niches to fill. We’ll take him. No problemo.”

Not many of Spageddi’s colleagues agree though. Word around the water cooler is that Olbermann won’t last more than a couple of weeks before he alienates everyone around him and brings the whole place down. And many are worried that bringing Olbermann into the Comedy Central fold will have some dire consequences when it comes to keeping their number one ratings king, Jon Stewart, happy.

“This one could really backfire on Eddy this time,” said Lou Berifunni, a writer for the Stephen Colbert Report, “Keith Olbermann holds grudges like no one I’ve ever seen. Hell, he’s still counting down the days since Bush started the war in Iraq even though Bush hasn’t been our President now for going on four years.” He then added, “On second thought, that is pretty damned funny.”

Friday, March 30, 2012

Newt Gingrich Super PAC Spends $1 Million on Mega Millions Lotto

Most common folks in America don’t even know who Sheldon Adelson is, but come Saturday, after he is announced the winner of the Mega Millions Lotto, he’ll become a household name just like the man he’s backing for President, Newt Gingrich.

Adelson and his family are Gingrich’s most ardent supporters, contributing tens of millions of dollars to Gingrich Super PAC Winning Our Future. But Adelson is worried that Gingrich can no longer bring in the kind of bucks it takes to run a first-class or, at the very least, not-too-shabby Presidential campaign, and feels like he is throwing good money after bad.

Then again, being a gambling man from Vegas and learning that the Mega Millions Lotto is now worth almost $700 millon, Adelson says he’s willing to throw $1 million more at the fledgling candidate by buying a million chances to win the mother of all jackpots.

“I call him my multi-million dollar kid,” said Adelson from his Vegas hotel room on Thursday. “I’ve put a boatload of money into his campaign, and I believe he’s earned every penny even if the majority of conservative Americans aren’t buying what he’s selling.”

“So, what’s another million?” asked Adelson, as he reached for the banker’s box of lottery tickets his aide just delivered to his hotel room.

If, and when he wins the Mega Millions, Adelson says he’ll spend it all on paying Mitt Romney to either bow out of the race or hand Gingrich the VP position.

Advised that the jig is up and reports are coming out of Vegas that both Gingrich and Adelson have already begun the VP waltz with Romney, Adelson replied, “Ok, then, how about this? I’ll use the money to buy a little more influence in DC,” he said. “After all, the conservative agenda isn’t going to advance itself, now is it?”

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Steroid Therapy Treatment – A Descent into Madness

Oh sweet bed you mock me from your prominent position at the center of my universe, your covers pulled back ever so slightly, pillows askew, beckoning, beckoning me to come within your folds and partake of your soft luxurious wonderments.

You taunt me with your scent of freshly laundered linens, the coziness you exude only mocks me more as I cannot luxuriate with eyes wide open, I must not even contemplate the fate of lying down without a chance to close my eyes and once again enter into the realm of quiet slumber. It would be futile and futility brings frustration and frustration, oh the longing for a restful nap.

I count the pills in the hideous pack, just five more days till I am back to normalcy, but will I be? I ponder the changes the chemicals have wrought, the inconveniences they have brought to me as I dutifully slipped them over my tongue and let them slide into my system allowing free reign over my body. They do not allow me comfort in the slightest except to do what they were meant, to pull the veil over pain but yet, in doing so they rob me of my most prized possession.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Woman Loses Touch with Reality after Watching Weeklong Reality Series

TOPEKA, Kansas – A local woman was transported to KVC Psychiatric Hospital Sunday evening after neighbors called 911 to report a crazed woman trying to build a “doomsday bunker” in her back yard.

Norma Lee Fein, 58, was busy using a chainsaw to cut down a tree in her back yard to make room for a planned bunker when her neighbors tried to stop her. When Fein refused to put the chainsaw down, threatening to cut anyone who got in her way, the neighbors called police.

Paramedics were called to the scene, and once officers were able to subdue the woman, it was determined she would be transported to a psychiatric facility for evaluation.

“I was in my living room watching Coast Guard Florida on the Weather Channel when I heard a loud buzzing noise,” said Ed Franklin, Fein’s next door neighbor. “I said to my wife, Edna, “that there sounds like a chain saw.”

Franklin said he went around to the back yard and watched as his neighbor, Norma Lee was getting ready to cut down a maple tree that stood along their mutual fence line.

“Norma’s usually a quiet woman who stays to herself,” said Franklin. “To be honest, I didn’t even know she owned a chain saw,” he said. “Anyways, when I tried to get her to stop cutting the tree down, she threatened to cut me too, so I called the cops.”

Once Fein was subdued and strapped to a gurney for transportation to the hospital, Franklin said he asked Norma what would have made her do such a thing.

“The world’s coming to an end, Ed,” she told me. “I seen it with my own eyes. I been watching the Discovery Channel since Tuesday—that’s when they started with the stories about the end times, the Mayans, Armageddon, all that crap. Then I watched more stories about what’s gonna happen to us, how if the earthquakes don’t get us, the tornados will, or the hurricanes or the tsunamis—course I wasn’t too worried about the tsunamis since I ain’t nowheres near a ocean.”

But Ed says Fein told him that the final breaking point was the show called Doomsday Bunkers where supposedly normal, God-fearing people are using all their hard-earned money to have bunkers built on their property in order to protect their families and their homes from everything from deadly storms to nuclear war to neighbors attacking like zombies.

“I’m guessing she just snapped,” said Ed, who excused himself as Norma Lee was being driven off.

“Sorry guys, but I gotta get back inside now. There’s a show coming on The History Channel called After Armageddon that I don’t wanna miss.”

Friday, March 23, 2012

Discrimination 101 Being Taught in Georgia Schools

While education money is tight right now all across America, parents in the State of Georgia needn’t worry. By combining math with any number of other subjects, some cash-strapped Georgia teachers are finally able to stretch those education dollars and still give the kids some quality education.

Take math and history, for example. In Clayton County, Georgia, 9-year olds are not only learning their fractions, but also learning about slavery in the south. One extra credit question drives the point home, i.e. “A plantation owner had 100 slaves. If three-fifths of them are counted for representation, how many slaves will be counted?”

That homework assignment follows a similar one in Norcross, Georgia earlier in the year where a teacher was clearly trying to teach multiplication skills and using slavery as a teaching tool, as in “If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in 1 week?”

And, not to be outdone, even a third-grade gym teacher decided that simple dodge ball wasn’t teaching the kids anything constructive and came up with a slave game where, as one student told her mother “some of the kids were slaves while others were the slave catchers.” We all know how important physical education is.

All this got us to thinking: What if the Georgia school system expanded some of these programs into their middle and high school curriculums. For instance, in middle school, why not combine say math and health education, to wit:

“If a slutty Georgetown law student has totally reckless sex with five guys on Friday night, and then finds it necessary to engage in two three-ways and a one-on-one encounter on Saturday night, but decides to rest on Sunday, how many condoms will American taxpayers be on the hook for, providing, of course, said birth control items are covered under certain provisions of the controversial Obamacare statute?”

Or say Georgia’s high school teachers come up with a curriculum that combines math with civics, as in: 

“If 7% of Congress is Hispanic and 30% of those lawmakers have a heavy accent, how many senators are most likely to have at least two or more family members in this country illegally?” 

See where this is going? All of us, who, at one time or another, questioned why learning math was even necessary, need only look to Georgia to see how important division is in shaping the futures of our children.

Ed Note: Thanks to writer John Peurach for coming up with the concept of this story and contributing to the content.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Flavor Flav Agrees to School Mitt Romney in Ghetto Talk

With the New York primary coming up in late April, GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is pretty sure he has that state sewn up simply because Wall Street is in New York, and Wall Street loves Mitt Romney. However, New York also boasts a very large black population and without the black vote, Romney claims the race may be tighter than he would like.

Much like the problems he had connecting with poor white southerners in the states of Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi, Romney’s handlers claim that he needs the best possible Ebonics coach to “jive” his way to victory in New York.

For this endeavor, there is no better tutor to take on the task than the “King of Ghetto Talk” himself, Flavor Flav. Flava says he is humbled that a man of Romney’s stature would even consider asking him to help.

According to Mitt Romney’s closest friend, John R. Bentley III, Mitt talks a great game when he’s in front of his peers, but you put him in a situation where he has to communicate with just plain folk whose socioeconomic status doesn’t come close to his, and he’s like a duck out of water.

Bentley can’t say enough good things about comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who came to Romney’s rescue earlier this month by teaching him some key southern phrases in order to save him from utter defeat in the South.

“Oh sure, we lost a few southern states to Santorum and Gingrich,” said Bentley, “but we got out of there alive, and that was our main goal going into those primaries.”

But connecting with black voters in the NY hood may be a tad more difficult. That’s why his handlers have hired one of the best Ebonics coaches around to teach Romney how to speak ghetto.

“Yeah what? Ima make that white boy talk the bop, fo’ shizzle,” said Flavor Flav when asked to comment on his upcoming gig as Romney’s Ebonics coach.

“I have no idea what a ‘fo shizzle’ is,” Romney replied. “But if I can master French, I don’t really see the difficulty in learning Ebonics,” he added as he made his way to a $1000 a plate luncheon at the Waldorf Astoria.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Jerry Springer’s Soul Begs for Release

It has been almost 21 years since Jerry Springer’s soul got her first taste of trash TV. She has finally had enough, saying that she’s so over sitting idly by while her host whores himself out on national television. Finally ready to invoke a rarely used rule in celestial circles, Springer’s soul claims enough is enough.

“I’m asking to be released from my host under the seldom-used “last-straw liberation act,” said Lei des Aire, a light being assigned to Jerry Springer at birth.

According to des Aire, in order to be released from her host, she must prove that without her presence, the host can stand alone. So, for the last six months, she says she’s left Springer’s body daily during the taping of The Jerry Springer Show, and no one, including Springer himself, even noticed.

“I’ve only known a few instances where the soul has been released from a host body and allowed to enter another at birth. It is very rare,” she said. “Most souls stick with their hosts regardless of how difficult it is--even Hitler’s, if you can believe that. Not me, though,” she said, “I just don’t have the stomach for it.”

Asked what the tipping point was, des Aire explained. “It was late one night, Jerry had just passed out, and I decided to do a little astral projecting. I ended up in Paris and met another soul by the name of Gabe. We talked all night, and during our conversation, he told me who his host was…Maya Angelou.”

“He couldn’t say enough nice things about her and told me that he just was so happy to be her soul. After I told him whom I embodied, Gabe about fell out of the sky. Apparently,” said des Aire, “I’ve been the laughing stock of the ethereal community for quite some time.”

“Long story short, Gabe told me about the liberation act and told me that if Larry Flynt’s soul could get out of it for similar reasons, I should have no problems.”

Des Aire says she is awaiting word from the powers that be and is hoping it won’t be much longer.

“If I have to watch one more pregnant girl named Brit’ney beg her toothless boyfriend to take her back even though he cheated on her with her mother, while Jerry sits there and tells them to be kind to each other, I think I may just go super nova, you know?”

Friday, March 16, 2012

Local Woman Moves Out of Her Comfort Zone and Into a Condo

Local woman, Margaret McDillon, has been moved out of the house on Elm Street that she called home for 57 years and into a condo on Main Street.

“Oh, there are so many new things I’ll have to get used to,” said Maggie, a name she came to feel comfortable being called but now must get used to being called Margaret again. “I don’t really think I’m going to fit in here at all,” she said as she looked around at the few moving boxes that held a fraction of the life she loved on Elm Street.

“No one knows me as Maggie here,” she said. “I am just too old and too tired to explain to the numbskulls that Maggie is just another name for Margaret. They ask me, ‘why not Marge,’ and I tell them ‘Margaret will do just fine,’ wondering sometimes if I should bring up the name Peggy to throw them off even further.”

“Then there’s the washer and dryer. ‘I need a step ladder to get to the dryer,’ I told them, ‘I’m gonna break a hip,’ but do they listen? Nope, not on Main Street they don’t,” she sighed wistfully.

“Nobody knows me on Main Street, and with all the hoodlums down there in the street, it’s not like I’m gonna go out there and risk my life making any new friends, at least not like the ones I had on Elm Street. All of ‘em are gone though. I’m the only one that survived…lucky me,” she threw in as a jab at anyone who might get the joke.

The condo is on the second floor of an assisted living facility. Margaret’s family thought it better that she live there now since she almost burned down her house on Elm Street when she up and decided to make tacos one evening, and had one too many margaritas. Actually, these days, with the meds she is taking, one IS too many margaritas.

“They just call it ‘the incident,’” said Maggie. “And then they whisper, so I don’t hear,” she said. “Here’s a news flash, kids. You could be screaming full on in my face by now, and I probably won’t hear you,” she chuckled.

When her adult son found her, she was sitting at the kitchen table wearing a sombrero and telling him it was Siesta time, when in fact, she kind of knew in the back of her mind she meant to say Fiesta.

At any rate, she’s now living on Main Street. Used to be that Main Street was where all the action was; where she and the husband, long since passed, would go to have a good night out on the town.

Unfortunately, in Maggie’s case, hoping to get back some of those memories landed her in a small one-bedroom condo, not particularly to her liking and about as far away as she could get from her comfort zone.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Romney May Be Too Naïve to Survive Missouri Caucus

They's lots more where these come from Willard

While Gov. Mitt Romney did everything he could to fit in with the locals in the Southern states of Alabama and Mississippi, he still ended up third at the polls behind Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Most blame his poor performance on his awkward attempts at speaking redneck. His ‘Hi y’all’ and obviously faked penchant for cheesy grits and pretty young Southern girls did nothing to persuade those whom he came in contact with that he was even remotely interested in becoming one of them.

Even with having the king of Redneck himself, Jeff Foxworthy teaching him the proper way to say y’all and ask if anyone else wants that last tater nugget, Romney was clearly looking and sounding like a catfish out of water.

However, being the good-natured fella that he is, Romney appeared on the Fox News Channel Wednesday night and continued to try and sway the southern vote to his side in preparation for the upcoming caucus Saturday in Missouri.

“Y’all ready to watch me open a can o’ whup ass on Santorum and Gingrich this comin’ Saturday?” asked Romney as Megyn Kelly giggled in the background.

“I don’t think language is going to be your biggest worry going into Missouri,” said Kelly, trying to prepare Romney for his upcoming trip that will take him into the deepest recesses of the one of reddest states in the union.

Unfazed, Romney replied, “Seems some folks down there in Missurah want me to go noodlin’ with them,” he said, still practicing his southern accent. “I’m not all that fond of Chinese food, but you know me…when in Rome,” he chuckled.

Kelley smiled nervously while wishing him well on the campaign trail, and then gave the clueless candidate a final word of caution.

“If someone tells you to squeal like a pig, Governor, run like hell.”

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Jeb Bush Lying in Wait to Pounce Like a Panther upon GOP Scene

See Jeb? See Jeb Run? Run, Jeb, Run.
Rumors are still swirling that Jeb Bush is considering putting his name in the hat for the GOP nomination. But, if there is one thing you should know about the Bush family it is this, they don’t do anything without putting a whole lot of thought in it. The main thought being “will it make us rich?”

It is for this reason that Jeb hasn’t just rushed right onto the political scene to announce his presidential bid.

“For one thing,” said daddy Bush, “the job only pays $400 grand a year, so while George Jr. was happy to have a little pocket change without having to work too hard for it, my son Jeb needs quite a bit more than that to fund all his half-assed business schemes.”

Friends close to Jeb in Florida though say he is just about ready to pounce if he can get a few of his rich friends to promise him more than a salary once the title “President” attaches to his resume. Lobbyists claim that as of now, Jeb’s pretty worthless to them, but put him in the White House, wind him up and give him his marching orders, and buddy, the sky’s the limit.”

Jeb claims the main reason he’s been overly coy about the whole matter is that he’s watched how Sarah Palin and Donald Trump have just thrown themselves out there on the political scene, toying with the affections of the Conservative party.  Bush honestly believes that may be a major factor in the schizophrenic-like way many of their constituents are acting.

“Dangling a carrot and then snatching it back and eating it yourself just creates unnecessary stress on a group of people who are already just hanging by a thread,” said Bush.

“Look, I’m gonna run, or shall I say, I’m thinking about running. But if I don’t, it just means I made up my mind not to run. But you can probably count me in at the last minute if I decide to run,” and with that he settled back in his camo-design hammock behind a large palmetto tree. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Rick Santorum Concedes Snooki Pregnancy Good Argument for Contraceptives

I'm glad you thought of the hot tub, Mike. I can't believe
I've gone through all my free condoms already.

Snooki, of Jersey Shore fame, has admitted to being pregnant with her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle, as the father. Shore roommate, Mike “The Situation” is, however, causing quite a stir with news that the baby may be his, sending shockwaves through America, or at least the America that is trying to watch something more sophisticated than the GOP race.

Speaking of which, even GOP hopeful Rick Santorum is weighing in on the matter. While speaking at a rally in Topeka, Kansas today, Santorum had this to say. “Folks, you know I am 100% against anyone having sex and bearing a child out of wedlock. Today I heard the news that Snooki is pregnant and I said to my wife ‘I told you the water in the hot tub wasn’t hot enough to kill sperm.’”

Santorum then went on to say, “Believe me, folks, before I heard this news, I was 1000% percent sure that contraceptives were the handiwork of the devil, but I’m now seriously backing down from that stance.”

“In fact,” he said, “had I known that Snookie and Jianni, or the Situation, or whomever was hooking up on that fateful night in the hot tub, I would have personally gone out and purchased a pack of Trojans and delivered them myself to Seaside Heights, so that this act wouldn’t have resulted in an illegitimate child coming into the world bearing a name like ‘ShortnTan.’”

When asked for comment on Rick Santorum’s remarks regarding her pregnancy, Snooki replied “Who the hell is Rick Santorum? Is he that Sicilian who tried to hook up wit’ me at the Beachcomber last summer?”

Friday, March 9, 2012

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners and are taking steps as we speak to ask God for an early release of their inheritance.

“Most of us are dead anyway at this point,” claims Elizabeth Moussey, spokesperson for the Muskegon, Michigan Meek Society. “I say that because it is a well-known fact that the Lord always calls the best ones home early to help him out in heaven,” she said with a sweet, kind voice.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and just a general degradation of kindness and evildoing in all mankind, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs,” said Moussey, “but honestly we’ve been doing that for what seems eternity, and it doesn’t seem to be getting us anywhere at all.”

Therefore, a mandate has been issued that all troublemakers, including many members of the GOP and the clergy, especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians, will be asked to exit the Earth by any means possible before the year 2013.

“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly trying to find a safe way to get off our property, but we do have to set limits now don’t we,” she said in the kindest way possible.

“While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. Euthanasia may be one way, rocket launchers into space may be another. “But if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience,” said Moussey, “let me assure them, it just is not going to happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that to happen now.”

At any rate, we promise to do our best to make their transition as smooth as possible, regardless of how we are treated in the interim,” said Moussey.

The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.

Moussey ended by declaring that all Meeks apologize profusely for having to take this stand but after being promised there were better days ahead only to find that people are now literally acting like savages again, they just have no choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth a little earlier than expected.

“And oh,” she said, “take your money with you. After all, that’s basically what’s gotten you into trouble in the first place.”

*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth
  Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Roy Blunt Talks Hoes Not Women on International Women’s Day

Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo) chose International Women’s Day to talk about hoes. Here’s how he chose to honor March 8, 2012 on Twitter:

Today is Natl Agriculture Day. Hope you'll join me to recognize the vital benefits agriculture plays in our everyday lives.

Hey, Mr. Blunt, today also happens to be National Panic Day. 

I’d like to invite everyone to celebrate by taking a moment to  freak out about just how scary the Republican Party has become.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Glenn Beck Comes to the Aid of Rush Limbaugh

You Can't Spew Hatred Without
Awesome Props!

Former Fox News Channel host Glenn Beck knows what it is to fall like a boulder from grace for simply uttering his personal opinions about someone. Getting canned from a gravy job with Fox News Channel was just the beginning of a decline in popularity that Beck couldn’t have imagined happening a year ago.

He went from top earner at Fox to having to start his own broadcasting company in order to continue to spew his hated across the nation and still hasn’t fully recovered from the fallout. Fortunately, he learned a thing or two along the way, and he is willing to share his experience with Rush Limbaugh in his time of need.

While the two haven’t always seen eye to eye and have, in fact, been rivals in the harshest sense, Limbaugh is said to be willing to humble himself in order to keep the money flowing to his bank account.

“I never in a million years thought I’d be accepting help from that has been Glenn Beck, but under the circumstances, if I want to keep my mansion in West Palm Beach, I’m gonna have to make a few concessions,” said Limbaugh, “none of which is to admit I did anything wrong, I might add,” he added.

Beck’s experience as a pseudo rodeo clown is going to come in handy as Beck has offered to take Limbaugh’s place for a few weeks until this latest controversy blows over.

“Glad to do it,” said Beck, who said he was ready today to fill the dead airspace left by a broken Rush Limbaugh. “Just let me get my lederhosen on and we’ll be good to go.”

Reminded that Limbaugh is a radio host, not a television personality, and therefore it didn’t much matter what Beck wore, Beck didn’t miss a beat.

“That’s ok,” he said. “I wear my lederhosen everywhere.”

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Chris Hansen Becomes Possessed During Taping of Hansen Files: Exorcisms Real or Hoax?

Hey, isn't that Chris Hansen over there?

It has just been reported that Chris Hansen, the man behind the news show Hansen Files seen Friday evenings on Dateline NBC is, most likely, possessed by the devil, who priests say entered his body during the taping of an upcoming expose on exorcisms.

“Something went horribly wrong,” claims Father Francois Dubois, a Catholic priest who claims he has presided over more than a hundred exorcisms in his lifetime. Fr. Dubois was visiting Hansen at an undisclosed location in order to conduct an exorcism on the news anchor as soon as possible.

Fr. Dubois claims that earlier this week he was heading up an exorcism at the home of a West Virginia mother who claims her daughter was possessed. Little did he know that the man standing beside him pretending to be a fellow priest was none other than expose extraordinare, Chris Hansen, who had been secretly filming the entire exorcism.

An aide to Hansen claims that Hansen had always been skeptical of demonic possessions and had wanted to do an expose on the practice of exorcisms for quite some time. He (Hansen) had caught wind of the exorcism being done in Charleston, West Virginia and decided to go out there and do some undercover investigating.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Hansen found out the hard way that demonic possession is nothing to dismiss lightly,” said the elderly priest, who assured us that Mr. Hansen’s will be an easy exorcism.

Asked how he knew, Fr. Dubois said “Oh hell, devil’s already been inside that fellow a few times and just can’t seem to stomach it in there for too long. I’m just gonna help the damned process along this time so I can see Hanson’s face when he realizes he’s been the victim of one of his own undercover operations.”

Ed. Note: After witnessing Father Dubois’ propensity toward cursing, a separate investigation was launched into the elderly priest’s credentials. So far, the results are inconclusive.

Acme Limburger Cheese Company Pulls Advertising on Rush Limbaugh Show

“If anyone knows stinky, it is the Acme Limburger Cheese Company,” said Hugh Steenck, Vice President in charge of marketing. “As of today, this company will no longer pay to advertise on the Rush Limbaugh Show,”  announced the VP on the Sunday edition of MSNBC News.”

Steenck claims it was a nice run while it lasted. “It was getting to the point that when people thought Limburger, they automatically associated it with Mr. Limbaugh due to the similarities in the words. However,” he continued, “while we appreciate the fact that both words still conjure up an unpleasant smell, our cheese is meant to do so without harm to anyone.”

The Acme Limburger Cheese Company follows a growing list of companies that have decided to pull ads due to Limburger….errr, Limbaugh recently calling college student Sandra Fluke a slut for seeking free contraceptives.

As a side note, a description found for limburger cheese claims it is popular for its particularly pungent smell, not unlike a strong body odor. Kudos to the company for foregoing the huge profits it must have been making by advertising on the Rush Limbaugh Show. 

Friday, March 2, 2012

Rush Limbaugh’s Head May be Stuck up His Ass Permanently

Rush Limbaugh was trying to find a hole in the ground when he accidentally stuck his head up his ass. He was rushed to Good Samaritan Medical Center in West Palm Beach where doctors were working to dislodge said head from said ass.

At last report, several doctors were in the lounge drinking coffee and pondering their next move.

“We’ve already tried pulling it out forcefully,” said one doctor, “but he won’t shut up and his mouth is preventing us from pulling it straight out.”

“Yeah,” said another doctor. “It’s not like there isn’t enough grease down there to allow the head to move about freely; it’s his mouth that is causing some serious suction that we can’t seem to break.”

“I sure hope we come up with a solution soon,” said one doctor on his third cup of coffee. “Although I have to admit, it’s pretty funny when Rush keeps yelling at us to pull his own head out of his ass for a change,” he chuckled as he ordered a late-night snack.