Saturday, July 30, 2011

Seniors Have Themselves to Blame for Fight over Nation’s Budget Crisis

Middle America may not like it, but they are getting what they deserve, i.e. a generation of “me first” politicians who could care less whether or not grandma makes it on less than a thousand dollars a month.  

Those “What were you thinking” ads aimed at the politicians who want to take away Medicare and Social Security benefits are laughable to the youngsters who are now in charge.

Talk about entitlements. The Tea Party rug rats who have made their way into Congress as elected officials know all about entitlements. They were raised on them. The “don’t tell me what to do” crowd is now in charge and this is their take on the “What were you thinking” ads:

Hey grandpa, what were you thinking when you were chowing down on a breakfast that consisted of eggs and bacon every single morning?

And grandma, what were you thinking making pot roast, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and a nice big slice of apple pie for dessert every Sunday after church?

Hey dad, your liver ain’t so happy now after those 3 martini lunches, eh?

Oh, and mom, is it my fault you gave in to my every whim? You are the one who taught me that if I bug you enough, you’ll eventually give in because, after all, I was driving you up a frikkin’ wall.

We raised a generation who doesn’t want to pay for grandpa’s gout, grandma’s heart surgery, or mom’s anxiety medicine because, let’s face it, they brought it on themselves, didn’t they?

Our only salvation in all this mess is the fact that China and Japan are the major holders of our debt and it just so happens that they don’t think like the Westerners. They actually revere the elderly. So go ahead, kids, default on that international debt.  It might not be such a bad deal for the nation’s elderly in the long run. 

Kate Gosselin Disappointed None of Her Children Showing Star Potential

As a new season of Kate Plus Eight finishes up filming to get ready to air on August 8, Kate has come away from the experience with a new concern regarding her 8 children: “None of them have an ounce of star potential,” says Kate.

Kate claims that ever since she’s been showing off her kids on reality shows, she’s been too busy just trying to keep some kind of civilized order that she never really sat down and thought about what the kids were bringing to the table.

“When they were young,” said Kate, “all they had to do is stand in front of a camera and eat a popsicle and they were considered the star of the show. But now that they are getting older, that popsicle trick just doesn’t cut it. So far, this season, I’m sorry to say that it’s gonna be the same old thing, a bunch of whining kids waiting for me to step up to the plate,” she said.

“Sure, we’ve gone on new field trips, we’ve seen new things, but honestly, how many times can you watch a bunch of kids out in the field trying to catch butterflies?” she asked. “I mean, look at Bindi Irwin, [daughter of the late Steve Irwin]. She is just a couple of years older than my twins. That little girl can sing, dance, act, wrestle alligators, the whole nine yards,” said Kate. “I wish I could direct my kids’ energy like that so that instead of acting like monkeys in a zoo…” she trailed off.

Kate says that because she doesn’t have the money to send the kids to acting class, she doesn’t see them really making a name for themselves in show business. Therefore, she’s pretty much resigned herself to the fact that her acting talents alone are going to have to carry the show. She admits the irony. “Reality bites sometimes,” she said.

“It’s a burden when you know you are the only one in the family with God-given talents,” said Gosselin. “But at least I’m thankful for that. I mean, what the heck would we all do if I couldn’t act, dance, or negotiate the hell out of a contract?”

Friday, July 29, 2011

Media Hosts Fear Hyperbole Has Desensitized Viewers and Destroyed Credibility

MediaWatch has concluded a study asking cable news media hosts to rate their performance in reporting on the debt ceiling talks in Washington.

A whopping 67% of MSNBC hosts believe they have pushed the envelope too far and are fearful that once the debt ceiling crisis has passed on Tuesday without so much as a whimper, they will all be seen as Chicken Littles.

In fact, Rachel Maddow is so mad at herself, she’s not been able to step in front of the camera this week at all except to make more dam commercials for MSNBC. While some say Maddow’s absence is due to the fact that she could not find a “gay” angle to the debt ceiling talks, in reality it is because Maddow just could not continue to say the same things over and over and over again without cracking up. “I mean, how many times can you invoke the name of Ronald Reagan? Both sides are making this guy out to be some kind of super hero or something. I’m surprised there aren’t t-shirts out there asking “What Would Reagan Do?” Then, “Oh, there are? See? It’s just so out of control,” said Maddow after finishing up her questionnaire and giving herself a failing grade.

Reporters for MSNBC aren’t the only ones that are being totally hard on themselves, and with good reason. Most CNN reporters, with the exception of Piers Morgan of course, also fear that their constant harping on the debt ceiling crisis to try and make everyone believe it really is a crisis will ultimately backfire on them. “What happens when Tuesday rolls around, the debt ceiling is raised without fanfare, and we all go back to reporting mundane news stories?” asked Anderson Cooper.

“It’s just not that easy. The damage is being done now,” Said Cooper. “Imagine if you will a huge earthquake strikes Japan, and there are tsunami warnings on an almost hourly basis. Then when the tsunamis don’t really live up to the expectations we’ve set for our viewers, what is left? I mean, how many newscasters do you see today reporting on the earthquake in Japan anymore? Sure, the news is still there, the threat of complete nuclear meltdown is a reality, but we used so much hyperbole in the first few days of that story that our viewers have become desensitized. And now we’re doing the same thing with these darned budget talks,” said Cooper.

“Manufacturing a crisis is one thing,” said MSNBC’s Ed Schultz. “But where are the freakin’ jobs? It used to be that in this country, when you invoked the word manufacturing, there were jobs to back it up.”

Meanwhile, Fox News Channel refused to participate in the study as they don’t really consider themselves anything more than a news channel; it being their job to get the story out there no matter how scary it might be or what long-lasting effects it may have on their viewers. “How else are we supposed to keep our ratings up?” asked Sean Hannity.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

John Boehner Submits Doodle Pages as Serious Debt Plan

Several sources in Washington who have been following the debt ceiling talks closely have indicated that a lack of golf has turned John Boehner into a bit of a monster. Tired of hearing the President intimate that his party is doing nothing to get the matter resolved, Boehner stood his ground and offered up one last debt plan which he believes the President will accept.

“It is my doodle pad,” said Boehner. Every idea I’ve come up with in the past couple of weeks is within those pages. I say if President Obama wants us to get serious about reducing debt and moving forward on a balanced budget, he’ll find everything he needs right there.”

“Of course,” Boehner continued, “I’d hope that he overlooks the caricatures I’ve drawn of him, and the anagrams I’ve made out of his name, such as 'Baa Crab Amok,' 'A Baa Bra Mock,' and my personal favorite 'Maraca Kabob.'”

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Republican Senators Order Out for Chinese as Debt Ceiling Talks Continue

A reporter covering the debacle that is the debt ceiling talks has just published a story in his local hometown paper, The Times-Picayune, which helps shed light on what he believes is the number one priority coming out of the Republican camp—the importance of a good lunch.

James Jefferson, no relation to Thomas Jefferson, has discovered that the Republicans are tired of the traditional American fare in the Senate lunchroom consisting of hamburgers and freedom fries, and have been ordering out quite a bit lately.

“Their take-out food of choice is Chinese, hands down,” writes Jefferson, “and they are running up quite a tab according to the owner of their favorite take out restaurant, Nu China Dynasty. In fact, several of the freshman Republican Senators have told him if they had their way, there would be nothing but Chinese served in the Senate lunchroom.”

“I honestly don’t think Americans know just how big a role Chinese is playing in keeping these Senators satisfied throughout the talks,” writes Jefferson. “It may be a tad on the expensive side, but the Senators are reportedly extremely satisfied with this alternative.”

The Nu China Dynasty is equally enamored with their new clients. So much so that they plan on opening franchises across America to make sure that the Senators get all the Chinese they want for as long as they want it.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Americans Losing Sense of Humor in Wake of Debt Ceiling Talks

Satirists are having one of the worst seasons this year trying to get Americans to laugh about their situations. With home foreclosures still at an all-time high, no real health care reform in sight, and now a deadlocked government where each side wants to see the other fail regardless of how it impacts the little guy, Americans just aren't in the mood to laugh.

“I wrote a story the other day about John Boehner’s golf scores suffering from lack of practice, and it got less than a hundred hits. With the keywords ‘Boehner’ and ‘golf’ alone, I usually get close to 300 hits. If I get the word ‘tan’ in there, which I did, I should easily have gotten over a thousand hits. My numbers are definitely in the toilet,” said Hubert McCain (no relation to John McCain, although we can’t be certain) who declined to disclose his hometown.

Speaking of toilets, even writers on toilet humor sites are seeing a drop in readership. What used to be the number one draw in sophomoric humor, farting stories are simply not getting any attention these days. Writers who bet the farm on websites centered around farting are losing big time. They are facing their own debt crises. “We’re in deep doo doo,” said one writer who even fell flat trying to joke about the fact that no one finds his poop stories humorous anymore.

“Historically,” said Happy Kline, “whenever there was a downturn in the economy, humor was about the only thing America had going for it and comedians and jokesters made a pretty good earning making sure things didn’t get too serious. But with this latest budget crisis on top of the housing crisis, terrorist thingie, and all those damned tsunamis and earthquakes, we are just not able to put on our clown faces and make anyone laugh anymore.”

McCain agreed. “I just don’t get it. We have some of the nuttiest political candidates we’ve ever had in our lives running for President in 2012 and not one person can find the humor in that. It’s said,” he said, “a real waste of material.”

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Lady Gaga Wears Elephant Poop Heels in Latest Music Video

How do you top wearing a meat dress to an awards ceremony? If you’re Lady Gaga, you get someone to sell you a pair of elephant poop stilettos. The heels, designed by a London artist, were part of an exhibit last year at London’s Tate Art Gallery when they caught the eye of the eccentric pop artist, Lady Gaga.

“Ooooh, I just have to have those poop shoes,” cooed Gaga. “They would go perfectly with the crocodile coprolite necklace I got last year from Arizona. How much? How much?” exclaimed an excited Gaga.

Actually, coprolite (fossilized poop) jewelry has been around for a while now but hasn’t really caught on as a fashion accessory.

However, the designer of the shoes hopes that as soon as Gaga steps on stage in her elephant poop stilettos, it won’t take long at all before every woman worth her weight in fashion sense will be sporting the latest in dung accessories.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Man Released from Jail after Erroneous Arrest for Internet Porn Post

Rufus Simpson of Pascagoula, Mississippi was released from jail early Saturday morning after spending the night locked up on charges of internet porn posting.

His accuser, Shirley Remquist of nearby Moss Point claims that she opened her Facebook page Friday evening to find that a post from Rufus had made it onto one of her friend’s pages which read “Darlene, honey, you knows I is the number one master baiter in yore life.”

Remquist immediately reported Simpson to the authorities demanding they arrest him in order to, in her words, “get a vile, despicable ole man offa the intanet fore he molests some young’n.”

While awaiting arraignment in jail, Simpson got to talking to the deputy in charge and explained that he owns a bait shop in Pascagoula and was just having a little fun with his wife after closing up the store for the night.

“Seems you cain’t even do a little spoonin’ with the wife on the intanet these days widdout some ole dried up prune thinking you’s a molestater,” said Simpson after being released from jail.

White House Hires Dr. Phil to Mediate Debt Ceiling Negotiations

I don't know what the heck he's saying,
 but I'll agree to anything to get him to shut up

What started as a debate between the White House and Republicans on whether or not to raise the nation’s debt ceiling has become one of the largest political standoffs in America’s history.

The whole thing has devolved into a brouhaha, and as a result, the President has finally asked for help from one of the greatest “fix it” guys in the business, Dr. Phil McGraw.

Asked to mediate a settlement in the debt ceiling negotiations, Dr. Phil has been placed in a room with both sides present and strict orders issued that no one leaves the room until a settlement has been reached.

Sources say the President believes that just having to listen to Dr. Phil is enough to push a quick settlement, and although the Republicans have promised to ‘dig their heels in’ and not let anything deter them from their commitment to seeing that President Obama fails at these meetings, it appears this latest move by the President may just be the game changer.

Dr. Phil’s opening statement has been released and gives a good indication of exactly what the both sides are up against in trying to maintain their position:

“First off, let me tell you guys and gals, this ain’t my first debt rodeo, so don’ try and pull the pig outta the slop on my watch.

Ok, let’s get this rig a rollin’. I understand y’all got some scores to settle, and I’m there with ya. But understand that if you can’t settle those scores with your belts set on the same notch as me, then we ain’t gonna get no place no how.

I’ve been a clinical psychologist for more years than you all have been in diapers and let me just say that this type of behavior just ain’t gonna fly that bi-plane alone, you got that?

My lovely wife, who is sitting right over there (points), is one helluva woman, and I can tell you she ain’t gonna let you walk out of this room without a wink and a howdedoo, if you catch my drift.

Now, let’s see what y’all’s bellyaching is about and how deep in the doodoo we gotta go to make the positive side of the battery spark.

To Boehner, “Ok John, Let’s get those apple seeds a planted. What are your thoughts on getting this here ceiling painted a neutral color?”

By all indications, there should be a settlement reached any minute now.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Today’s Top Republican Headlines

Rick Perry Announced Today His Readiness to Announce His Announcement of Whether or Not He is Considering Announcing His Announcement to Seek the GOP Nomination for President of the United States – Austin American-Statesman

Grover Norquist Denies He Was Once a Furry Blue Muppet – The Cleveland Plain Dealer

Michele Bachmann Worries She May Be Raptured Before Becoming the First Female President – StarTribune

John Boehner’s Tan Fading, Says He’s Ready to Make a Deal with Obama – Golfer’s Weekly Digest

Newt Gingrich’s Personal Debt Ceiling Raised - Richmond Times-Dispatch

Former Vice President Dick Cheney Suggests Waterboarding May Bring About Debt Ceiling Solution – Wyoming Tribune Eagle

Former President George W. Bush ‘Happy as a Pig in Slop’ He’s No Longer President – Dallas-Ft. Worth News

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Huffington Post Offers Rupert Murdoch Job as Contributing Blogger

Not one to kick a competitor when he’s down, Ariana Huffington has gone public today with an offer to Rupert Murdoch to write a blog for the Huffington Post.

“I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now knowing that his empire is crumbling by the second,” Huffington reportedly told a colleague over dinner. “I think my viewers would be fascinated to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth since I’m assuming he has no writers left to tell the story for him,” Huffington was overheard saying.

Not surprisingly, Huffington says there is no money in the budget to pay Murdoch for his blog posts, but assumes that the fact that she is giving the former media mogul an opportunity to explain to the world in his own words exactly how his empire came crashing down would be payment enough.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Rupert Murdoch Hands Out Free Puppies as Apology to Brits

The scandal involving Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World is spreading to Murdoch’s other holdings and some say it could spell the doom of his News Corporation empire.

Realizing immediately that his newspaper apology was doing nothing to quell the anger rising exponentially across the globe against himself and his clan, the media mogul decided it was time to bring out the big guns to fight the onslaught of criticism.

Murdoch has reportedly bought 1,000 adorable puppies of some of the cutest breeds around, including English Bulldogs, Yorkshire Terriers, and Shih Tzus, and he has personally taken it upon himself to pass the puppies out at news conferences to his accusers.

“I know a public apology can only go so far,” said Murdoch, as he handed an English Bulldog to British Prime Minister David Cameron. Earlier, Murdoch presented Britain’s Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, with a Shih Tzu.

While there is no word yet on what type of puppy Murdoch plans on giving to the family of slain teen, Milly Dowler, indications are that Murdoch may decide to let them personally choose the pick of the litter and, in fact, may even offer two puppies to the family.

Some say it is merely a desperate ploy to shift the focus off his unscrupulous business dealings by offering up some adorable puppies. However, it seems to be working already as Queen Elizabeth II, recipient of three Jack Russell Terrier puppies, issued a statement of her own commenting on Murdoch’s apparent “changed man” status. The statement read, in part:

“Oh no, he’s not a bad boy, is he now? He’s a good boy, yes, yes he is. He’s a wittle furry wittle good boy now isn’t he? Oh yes he is.”

Friday, July 15, 2011

Owner of Harry Potter-Y Shop Ordered to Find New Name

Hoping to cash in on the Harry Potter craze sweeping the country yet again, Margaret Clayton of Henry County, Arkansas opened a do-it-yourself pottery shop called Harry Potter-Y and couldn’t believe how much business she had the first day.

“I never in my wildest dreams knew how popular pottery making was,” said Clayton, whose store grossed over $2,000 in its first week of operation.

However, Clayton also found out that success comes at a price. After the local newspaper ran a story about the success of Harry Potter-Y, word somehow got back to the owner of the Harry Potter franchise, who then had their attorneys file a restraining order against Clayton ordering her to immediately close her Harry Potter-Y store.

“I was flabbergasted,” said Clayton. “Imagine, the Harry Potter folks giving little ole me a shout out.”

Sales of Martin Jetpack Skyrocket in Anticipation of LA’s Carmageddon

For over two months, people living in Los Angeles have been warned that Caltrans (the California Department of Transportation) is planning to add a carpool lane to the 405. The 405 is the main route between the San Fernando Valley and the City of Los Angeles, not to mention LAX, one of the busiest airports in the country. This announcement is creating quite a bit of havoc as the shutdown is set for tonight and will last for the weekend.

Fortunately, the San Fernando Valley is home to some of the most affluent neighborhoods of the region, including Studio City, Burbank, and Glendale. Where there’s lotsa money, there’s lotsa hope. As soon as news of the freeway shutdown hit the airwaves, the Martin Aircraft Company located in New Zealand began to receive so many phone calls, it had to add an extra line.

Manufacturer of the famous, one-of-a-kind Martin Jetpack, which is a personal flying machine, Martin Aircraft is reporting record sales, and the company began shipping the orders last week. The “no training required” jetpack kits come complete with assembly and flying instructions. Once removed from the box and assembled, the jetpacks are ready to fly in just minutes.

This latest trend has caught the FAA completely off guard and a spokesperson for the FAA cautions, “while these jetpacks are being marketed as a safer and more effective alternative to driving the 405, without proper testing, folks who have purchased these jetpacks should be extremely cautious when jumping into the 21st Century.”

Unfortunately, Henry Simpleton of Studio City, one of the first residents to receive his Jetpack kit in the mail, didn’t heed that advice. Once assembled, Simpleton fired it up, gave the thumb’s up signal and took off. Several feet in the air, he took his hand off the controls to wave to everyone, yelling “Hey, look at me. I’m Buck Rogers,” and crashed to the ground.

Fortunately, Simpleton walked away with only scrapes and bruises, but his antics sent a message to all the other millionaires in the area who are set to take their maiden voyages this weekend, “Keep both hands on the controls and for God’s sake, don’t show off.

In a related news story, an unofficial spokesperson of the company claims former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has purchased several of the backpacks in order to be able to make better time flying from one mistress’ home to the next without being unduly inconvenienced. If you happen to spot him flying above you while you are stuck in traffic...wave.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Obama Looking for New Court Jester After Kal Penn Resigns

Comedy actor, Kal Penn, announced that he is leaving his gig working for the White House in the Office of Public Engagement to return to television. Some of you will remember Penn from his role on the television series House, others may remember him from the movie Harold and Kumar. However, only one or two of you, up until this story broke, even knew Kumar, err Penn worked in the White House Office of Public Engagement. And fewer still knew he was Obama’s personal Court Jester.

Nevertheless, what it boils down to is this: Obama needs a new Court Jester, and so it was announced today that Obama will be holding auditions for the position the week of July 18.

“What we need,” said Obama, “is someone who can take the disastrous events my administration has to deal with on a daily basis and make them palatable to me through comedy.” While Obama didn’t mention out loud that he wanted a Jon Stewart-type person to take over, sources close to the President say that he has said many, many times “Boy, it was a rough day today. I could really use Jon Stewart to loosen me up tonight before I go to bed.”

In the meantime, Obama has announced that due to his incredible talent for blurting out inappropriate statements which almost always get a chuckle from the press, Joe Biden will fill in as Court Jester until a suitable replacement for Penn can be hired. Obama has ordered Biden to move into the White House until further notice so that he can be on comedic call 24/7.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Texas Governor Rick Perry Loses Governor’s Mansion in Poker Game

Police in Austin, Texas were called to the Governor’s Mansion downtown in response to a call-in report that a strange man appeared to be living in the dwelling amidst the chaos of reconstruction. Upon entry, police officers found Henry Waldrep asleep on a small cot in the grand ballroom. Alongside Waldrep, they found a small crate with a makeshift cook stove on top and empty McDonald’s wrappers and several empty beer bottles littering the floor.

Police immediately arrested Waldrep for criminal trespass and were in the process of patting him down and handcuffing him when Waldrep told the officer he won the mansion in a game of poker with Governor Rick Perry.

To prove his innocence, Waldrep produced a set of keys to the mansion and a crumpled cocktail napkin from the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas that carried a hand-written note honoring Rick Perry’s bet of the mansion in a poker game. Officers then called the Mayor’s office to determine what to do and it is then that they found out that Waldrep was indeed telling the truth.

A close aide to the Mayor confirmed that Perry informed them of the loss when he returned from Vegas in late June. “ Evidently, Governor Perry was a little down on his luck while playing in the No Limit Hold ‘em tournament at the Golden Nugget. With nothing else to throw in the pot, he decided that he’d bet the mansion. We had no idea the guy would take the bet seriously and actually move into the mansion.”

The aide, who declined to identify herself, told officers to let the man stay until the matter could be legally sorted out. Texas, unlike other states, has a law on the books that says when a poker bet is made, no matter how ridiculous, the bet is honored. There is a legal question, however, as to who is the rightful owner of the Governor’s Mansion.

Officers had no choice but to release Waldrep and let him stay in what appeared to be his official residence until the Texas Attorney General could investigate the matter.

The Governor’s Mansion was set ablaze in 2008 causing serious damage throughout the dwelling. It has been under renovation ever since. Perry and his family are currently residing in a leased home in West Austin and could not be reached for comment.

Asked if the smoke smell didn’t bother him, Waldrep replied, “Heck no. I’ve been living in a little teardrop trailer in the Nevada desert now for 3 years. A little smoke smell sure as hell ain’t gonna kill me.”

Monday, July 11, 2011

Joe Biden Takes on Fatherly Role at Debt Ceiling Talks

Vice President Joe Biden is using a unique approach when it comes to dealing with the petulant freshman Senators who aren’t budging an inch on the debt ceiling talks. Treating them like his sons, he has taken on a fatherly role in trying to convince them to come to some sort of agreement on how to get the budget crisis under control.

There are two such Senators who are particularly frustrating his efforts though, i.e. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and Rand Paul (R-Kentucky).

Here are just a few of the comments attributed to Joe Biden during the debt ceiling talks:

I just cannot get through to you. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Do you live to annoy me?

Do you think this debt ceiling is going to raise itself?

Don’t make me bang my gavel.

How do you know you don’t like any of the proposals if you’ve never read them? Try just one and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to agree to it.

Keep it up and one day your face is gonna freeze that way.

I don’t care what the other Vice Presidents are doing. I’m your Vice President and what I say goes.

If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all.

‘I don’t know’ is not an answer.

I hope someday you become a Vice President. Then we’ll see how smart you are.

Now go back out and come back in without slamming the door this time.

Leaving the talks? Is that a threat or a promise?

People in Hades want ice water. That doesn’t mean they’re gonna get it.

Why? Because I said so that’s why.

You’re not leaving this room until you’ve finished your debate.

I brought you into these talks and I can take you out.

You boys have tuckered me out. Now, run along and play so I can take my nap.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Senate Considers Replacing Part of Medicare Plan with Medical Marijuana Plan

~Sorry for two pot stories in a row, but even I can’t control the need to know…p. beckert

While the debate in the Senate continues over whether to raise taxes on the rich, cut spending on Social Security and Medicare, or both in order to deal with the debt ceiling crisis, there is one option on the table that is getting quite a bit of attention from both sides—incorporating a medical marijuana option into Medicare-Part D, the national prescription drug plan.

Just as Franklin D. Roosevelt saw a need and filled it with the Social Security Act of 1935, and President Lyndon B. Johnson oversaw the establishment of Medicare within the Social Security Act of 1965, a new amendment to the Social Security Act is long overdue.

Luckily, President Obama sees that need and is now poised to put his full support behind an amendment plan written by Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). His plan is simple and effective--include a National Medical Marijuana Plan as an alternative for seniors and those with medical conditions who are finding it hard to purchase over-priced and sometimes dangerous prescription medications.

“It just makes sense,” Obama reportedly stated after one particularly grueling night trying to convince some conservatives that they all better think of ways to produce a rabbit from the proverbial hat that is the budget mess or they are all gonna get kicked out on their keisters come 2012.

Surprisingly enough, this is one idea that received much positive feedback from both sides of the aisle, save for a few diehard alcoholic senators who don’t want to step on the toes of their largest campaign contributors, i.e. booze manufacturers.

Hoping to sell the amendment, Obama told those in attendance, “The largest portion of our populace-- the baby boomers--are well on their way to retirement age. Many of them,” he joked, “already know the medical benefits of marijuana, regardless of whether or not it’s legal.”

Then, in a more sincere tone, he told them, “We need something that doesn’t cost the United States government an arm and a leg to fund. Marijuana is cheap to grow, it’s a natural substance, and with many illegal immigrants in places like California, Oregon and Colorado already growing it for us, all we need to do is grant them asylum in exchange for them turning over their marijuana plants to us to process and provide to those in need medicinally. It’s almost too simple.”

Obama held private talks with Kucinich before putting his support behind the budget plan/Social Security Act amendment. The main thing Obama wanted to know was how much of a chance he had selling the idea to the Senate.

Kucinich handed him a tray of brownies and told him, “Offer them a few treats with their afternoon coffee sir. I guarantee you’ll get the thing passed.”

Ed Note: News reports out today claiming the Federal government recently ruled that pot has no medicinal value and should be classified in the same category as heroin are patently false. It is vitally important to reiterate you can’t believe everything you read.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products, manufacturer of various pot products for the home.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Said company spokesperson, Patrick Pending, “we realized when medical marijuana became legal in many states, there would be some people who would not be able to take it the traditional way, i.e. by smoking a pipe or a marijuana cigarette, so we decided to do something about it.

Our candles are produced in such a way as to incorporate just the right amount of marijuana within the beeswax allowing for a consistent dispersal of medicament in a small area. This, along with the patented wider wick, allows the patient(s) to gather around it and gain the full benefits just by normally breathing in the smoke.”

Mr. Pending claims that he and his colleagues have spent many, many man hours testing the candles and can attest to their potency and effectiveness. “Not only do the candles help to alleviate the symptoms of so many medical maladies, but they also lend a calming ambiance to any room,” said Pending.

Melting Pot candles will be sold alongside traditional medical marijuana in marijuana dispensaries, and the company hopes someday soon to be able to sell them at local Wal-Mart and Target stores. In addition, the group is hoping to produce smaller taper-type rainbow drip candles like the ones made popular in the 60’s. “After all,” said Pending, “sometimes it takes more than just a medicated candle to make someone feel good.”

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Casey Anthony Seeks Coping Advice from OJ Simpson

Warning: Some may find the fact that I’m writing about this trial on a satire page offensive. I did so not for shock value but because I couldn’t stand to look at Casey Anthony smiling after being told she was going free for the murder of her daughter without adding my two cents worth. If you find it in poor taste to write about the subject, please skip over this story and go on to something more to your liking…

The murder trial of Casey Anthony ended this past week with a verdict of not guilty, which pretty much stunned the entire nation. The only murder trial in recent memory that may have had an equally stunning outcome was that of OJ Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

Thank goodness for Casey that OJ set a precedent on how to react when the verdict of not guilty was read, as well as how to feign grief over the loss of a loved one you are accused of murdering.

OJ was more than willing to offer Casey some sound advice when it comes to coping with the media and outraged Floridians who didn’t like the outcome of the trial.

“First of all,” OJ told Casey, “don’t let them get to you. I don’t know if you did it or not, but regardless of whether or not you’re guilty, don’t let them make you think that you are. You are a free woman, so act like it.”

When Casey asked OJ how to feign real sadness in light of the fact that she actually is being told she’s a free woman, OJ responded, “Cry. Just put your face in your hands and break down and cry.”

However, when Casey told OJ that she was pretty much over it and couldn’t produce any more tears, OJ let her in on a little secret…”fake tears. Yeah, I know, simple solution, huh? Just go to any costume store and you’ll find them. You’ll be amazed at how realistic they are.”

Casey asked him how much they cost and told him she was a little short on cash. “Well, in that case,” he told her, “try slicing open an onion and wave it in front of your face. That should do the trick.”

Casey then told OJ the biggest problem she seemed to be having after hearing she’d be released from jail in just a few days was the inability to stifle a smile. “I can’t seem to control myself,” said Casey. “Do you have any ideas on how the hell I can wipe that shit-eating grin off my face? I mean, those cameras are everywhere and I’m just so damned happy about being handed that “Get Out of Jail Free” card,” she told him.

“Honey,” said OJ, “you live in Florida, land of the citrus fruit. Suck on a lemon every time you get the urge to smile.”

Casey had to admit it was great advice. How lucky was she to have a mentor who’d gone through the whole routine before her and could teach her the ropes.

“Oh, and one more thing before you send your folks out to the grocery store,” cautioned Simpson. “No matter how badly you want to tell someone what really happened to Caylee, don’t be an idiot like me and confess. Sure, I’ll never do time for the crime, but that civil trial was murder.”

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Vegas Flooded with Leftover America’s Got Talent Contestants

Bad news for America’s Got Talent contestants who find themselves in Vegas with no chance of going on to Hollywood and no chance of getting a plane ticket home either—America’s Got Talent overshot its budget and can’t pay for return tickets. “I just don’t know how this could have happened,” said a tearful Sharon Osborne as she was getting into her luxury SUV holding her uber expensive pet dog. “I do hope they find a way home. Such a pity,” she said to no one in particular as she drove off to catch a flight back home herself.

“Ok,” said Jerry Sprinkler who, along with his his seven kids all were shipped to Vegas to appear in the next round of auditions but were told they just weren’t good enough before even being able to go on stage again. “So the “Tippy-Toe Tappers didn’t float the judges’ boats, I can understand that. But how am I gonna get these kids back to Tennessee?” Similar stories are being told all over Las Vegas.

Casino owners have put signs in their windows “Not Hiring” to keep out the hundreds of singers, dancers and accordion players who still think they have what it takes to make it in Vegas. “There’s been a rash of dash ‘n dines” said one police officer who was called to the same restaurant seven times last night to try and catch hungry performers who were left penniless and desperate, resorting to theft in order to get a decent meal.

The only performers left behind who seem to be making it ok without the extra help are the dozens of illegal immigrants who came to the show hoping to just “blend in” and get a free ride to Vegas where they could hop off and “disappear” into mainstream America without much thought. “It pays to have a half-way decent singing voice,” claims Adalwolf Novak, a lounge singer from the Czech Republic, who auditioned in Chicago just one day after narrowly escaping an INS raid on the restaurant he was working in. “I am now going to find a nice little dive here in Vegas where I can hopefully get some employment doing what I love to do best,” he said.

Unfortunately, it won’t be so easy for the Tippy-Toe Tappers of Tuscarawas, Tennessee.

Iron Men's Quilting Circle Places First in International Quilting Competition

Hunter Comfort

A group of unemployed iron workers from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania have taken first place in the annual International Quilting Bee held this year in Lexington, Kentucky. Quilters from all over the world competed for this year's grand trophy.

The iron workers, calling themselves the "Iron Maidens" won the title with a lovely, yet manly crazy quilt pattern made entirely from various camouflage-colored squares. The quilt was entitled "Hunter Comfort," making a play on the word comforter, which they were told is actually what a quilt is.

One stitcher, by the name of Big Al said, after winning the coveted award, "I'd just like to thank my mother and Aunt Sissy, who taught me how to sew at a very early age." Big Al actually formed the group that would go on to win top honors at the quilting bee. And he claims it wasn't easy convincing a bunch of burly iron workers to sit around a table and sew. 

Many participants were stunned that the Iron Maidens took first place at all, not because they were men so much as the fact that the crazy quilt design they used was such a simple design and wasn't all that pretty to look at. Mary-Bethe Comfort of Missoula, Mississippi, second-place winner with her 'Cairo Calico' Quilt, agreed. 

"The danged thing looked like something you'd hang over a deer blind for cover. The fact that they used poplin material mixed with duck cloth and a polyester blend just threw the whole scheme off, in my opinion."

In fact, the Iron Maidens claim that using it for warmth in their deer blind is exactly what they intended to do with the quilt once they got back home. "There's a method to our madness," said Doug deGrave, a 46-year old father of three, who claims that being out of work for over two years does something to a man's psyche. "All of a sudden," he said, "you start to feel less and less like a man, but like everything else in life, you learn to cope and sewing together little scraps of material into a quilt helped me to cope." He then challenged Mary-Bethe to an arm wrestling match, seeing as her quilting arm was as big, if not bigger than his.

When asked if the Iron Maidens will enter any more quilts in future bees, the men all agreed that once was enough. "We took a lot of ribbing from the guys down at the union hall," claims Big Al. "But just wait till we show them this lovely crystal trophy. We'll see who has the last laugh," he said.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Bonding between Father and Son Can Cause Permanent Scarring

Testors and Testes. To this day, those words are interchangeably woven in my mind, and so, I was ill prepared for the terror they would again conjure when my son, who just turned eight years old, asked the inevitable question, “Dad, where do model airplanes come from?”

It’s the question I’ve been dreading since little Harry, Jr. was old enough to realize that other kids had toys that you couldn’t just go to a toy store and buy, but came from a magical place and were proudly displayed on his friends’ toy shelves. Thinking back to my own childhood gave me the shivers as I recalled one of the most horrific father/son projects of my adolescence.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a decent childhood with one glaring exception. My dad was the klutziest man alive, bar none. Whenever he called us kids to come help him “fix” something, or “hold” a tool for him, or offered to help us with our latest science project, we begged our mom stay in the room with us so that we’d have a witness when our friends told us no way our dad wasn’t intentionally beating the living crap out of us on a regular basis.

It was so bad that my mom had a weekly grocery list she kept on the refrigerator door, and I can’t remember a time when band-aids wasn’t on that list. Band-aids and mercurochrome, we went through the stuff faster than corn puffs.

There’s one incident in particular though that I can honestly say scarred me for life and is the reason my son will never get the opportunity to bond with his dad over the building of a model airplane. It started innocently enough with a trip to the hobby store where I picked out a P-51 Mustang with really cool shark’s teeth decals. We also bought a couple of bottles of Testors paint and a tube of what should have been labeled “lethal weapon to bring every dad to his knees,” but instead just read “quick-drying model cement glue”.

At any rate, I knew this was gonna be the best model airplane ever built and couldn’t wait to get home to start building it with my dad. Little did I know that the “bonding” we’d be doing would take on a much more sinister meaning than either of us would have imagined. Not only that, but the “cuss jar” was about to be filled to the brim in less time than it took to say, well, cuss words.

All projects were done on the workbench in the basement and, back in those days, most basements were poorly ventilated. Ours was no exception, but building a model plane on the kitchen table was just out of the question. So, down in the basement we went. As I was taking all the parts out of the box, my dad was ready to puncture the tube of glue to ready it for assembling the airplane.

Normally, all one had to do is unscrew the lid to the glue, turn it upside down and insert the pointy end into the glue tip and voila, glue. But remember, my dad wasn’t normal, he was cursed. Even though he should have anticipated a flaw, he was just so darned happy to have gotten the lid off without incident, that he was unaware of the tiny little tear in the side seam of the tube. As he gripped the tube with one hand and tried to push down on the tip with the pointy cap, the entire tube of glue exploded in his hand. “Damn it, damn it, damn, damn, damn,” he yelled. I quickly calculated—“you cussed 5 times, $1.25 in the cuss jar,” I immediately shouted, not realizing this was not the time to show off my mathematical skills. “Not now, dammit,” my father yelled. I silently calculated $1.50.

“Grab me that towel over there, quick,” my dad yelled. I ran for the towel and without thinking, I threw it at him and yelled “catch.” Without thinking himself, he grabbed for the towel with both hands and missed, causing him to slam the gluey hand into the other, permanently bonding his two hands together. “Holy sh*t, what the hell?” screamed dad as he tried furiously to get his hands unclenched. “$2 in the cuss jar,” I muttered under my breath. “What?” he yelled, “Look just pick up the damn towel ($2.25) and bring it the hell over here ($2.50), and help me get this sh*t ($2.75) off my goddam hands. ($3.00) “Kaching!” I thought as I grabbed the towel to do my father’s bidding.

As I tried to wipe the glue from my father’s hands, I had another unthinking moment and used my other hand to try and wrest the tube of glue from his partially clenched fist, and in doing so, my little fingers instantly stuck to the bottom of his palm. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” he cried (while I silently pondered whether this was just one cuss word or three or if it was not really a cuss word at all…oh well, I decided, I’d add another $.75 to the calculations and could always subtract it back out in case I was wrong, $3.75). “Harry, for Chrissakes, Harry, get with the program,” screamed dad as he was edging me toward the shelf that held the turpentine. “Reach up there and grab that can of turpentine,” he cried. I did his bidding but not before I added that last Chrissakes to the pot…$4.00.

Just barely able to reach the turpentine, I got it down from the shelf, and dad and I shuffled back to the work bench to try and help each other get the cap off the turpentine. Once off, dad asked me to carefully pour a little bit of turpentine on our hands with my one free hand. I did as he said, but just as the turpentine was about to hit our hands, I felt the slip and right then, my already loose pants began to slide halfway down my butt and were now poised to take the final plunge to the floor. The only free hand I had was taking matters into its own hands and was now pouring turpentine down the front of my skivvies. I was now the one screaming the obscenities, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” I yelled, silently thinking that was the safest one because I still wasn’t sure if it was a curse word and on the chance that it wasn’t a curse word, I’d break even.

Dad was screaming, “Helen, Helen get down here fast, Harry’s pouring turpentine down the front of himself!” My father’s yelling snapped me back into the present and I yelled,“Bring the cuss jar with you!” In the meantime, my dad had gotten his hands free in time to start pulling my skivvies off my body, but in doing so, squeezed the last of the glue from the tube right onto my privates. “Dammit, damn, damn, dammit,” he screamed. “Helen, hurry, the damn kid’s got glue all over his fu*kin’ privates and everything is getting glued together!” Did I hear him right? Did he say the “F” word? That was an automatic bonus of $1. I couldn’t count fast enough. I decided to keep my Jesus, Mary and Joseph in and just let dad pay for it later. After all, he’s the one who was squeezing glue all over my privates, potentially scarring me for life.

And about that time, the fumes hit. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this before, but when turpentine and model airplane glue are mixed in just the right amount in just the right circumstances, i.e. at close range with little to no ventilation in the room, well, funny things start to happen. All of a sudden my father’s words started to slur and he was yelling Sheeshush Crisht, Helen, get thuell down her fasht, I think I’m gonna fuggin’ pash out, which to me is still cussing even though it isn’t crystal clear, so I went ahead and added another $400 to the cuss jar total because at that point, I wasn’t thinking too straight myself. By the time my mom got to us, she found my dad passed out next to me with, I swear to Lord God Almighty, ($.25) his hand glued to my testicles.

Meanwhile, a crowd had formed outside the one small window in our basement and I could see out of the corner of my eye, several neighbors trying to clean a spot on the glass to see what all the yelling was about. The ambulance came, and getting us both onto that gurney was pretty tricky. We also found out just how sick and twisted our neighbors’ imaginations are. All in all, it took doctors and nurses a full two hours to apply anti-adhesives to my privates and eventually pry my dad’s hand off them. At some point, I, too, passed out from the fumes and was told that when I came to, was yelling for my mom to go and get the fu*king cuss jar.

And to this day, you honestly cannot say the word Testors without literally bringing me to tears.

Banker Injured in Fall from Collapsing Pile of Money

Scene of Accident

David Sassetts, a wealthy Wall Street banker was rushed by ambulance to St. Anthony’s Hospital when the pile of money he was sitting upon collapsed. Doctors report that Sassetts suffered fractures in both hands as well as his coccyx and is expected to spend several days in the hospital.

Asked how the accident happened, Sassetts says he’s not quite sure. “Last thing I remember is sitting atop my pile of money, sipping cognac and reading the business section of the Wall Street Journal like I do every night after dinner. Suddenly, I felt a shift underneath me. Before I could escape, the pile of money collapsed and I went hands-first onto the basement floor.” Sassets was visibly upset saying he was uncertain whether or not his maid would ever be able to get the cognac stains out of his expensive white California shag carpet.

This is the first time the money pile has collapsed beneath him, according to Sasssets, although he had a close call in the early 90s during the bubble when the pile he built one evening began to shift sideways; however, it did not fully collapse.

While he builds his money pile every night the same way, Sassets believes the recent recession has actually caused him to have more money stacks than ever before, and he believes that the extra money in his pile caused it to become less stable this time and made it quite a bit more dangerous to climb onto.

Although the accident occurred at home and involved Sasset’s own money, he claims the accident is still work-related and anticipates filing a workmen’s compensation claim.  

“Had I not made all this money during the housing and mortgage crisis and getting all that bailout money from the government, my pile of money would have been significantly smaller and would not have posed as large a safety hazard as the one I ultimately fell from,” Sassets said from his hospital bed.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Glenn Beck Trades Fancy Fox Set for Soapbox and Bullhorn

Last week, Glenn Beck hosted his last show on the Fox News Network. While he won’t admit he was fired for his lack of ability to tone down the batshit crazy rhetoric he is so famous for, he does say that his firing has opened a new doorway to allow him to get his message out to the people on a more personal level.

Holding an impromptu press conference immediately after leaving Fox, Beck welcomed the chance to try out his new method of delivering his message. “I’ve decided it is time to get back to my roots,” said Beck, as he put a makeshift soapbox on the ground, stepped up on it and began speaking through a bullhorn.

“Don’t weep for me, faithful Beckkies. This is not the end. It is just the beginning. I welcome the change that Roger [Ailes] has offered me. The ability to walk away from a lucrative salary and just hit the streets with our founding fathers’ message.

Beck told the three or four people who had gathered to watch him leave the Fox News premises that he has been busy writing a series of speeches entitled “The Soapbox Diaries,” and intends to give the speeches in various cities throughout America, reaching as many patriots as he can one-by-one.

“Hell, if it’s good enough for the hallelujah boys on the street corners, then it’s sure as hell good enough for me,” Beck shouted, alluding to that fact that he was now left with nothing more than an opinion. With that, Beck stepped back down off the soapbox and started to leave.

One bystander asked Beck if he’ll miss the bright lights and big corporate news set, not to mention his giant blackboard. Beck stepped back up on the soapbox and responded through his bullhorn, “It’s not about appearing in front of a television camera and reaching millions of viewers; it’s not even about having fancy props like giant blackboards and a whole new box of colored chalk. It’s about going into neighborhoods and shouting at the top of my lungs, “Give me back my liberty,” he said. “You just can’t do that in a studio. Believe me, I tried. They told me to pipe down.”

At which time, one of Roger Ailes’ assistants approached Beck demanding he surrender the Coke crate and bullhorn he’d taken from the Fox News prop room.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

One Millionth Elvis Impersonator Honored in Las Vegas

Las Vegas, NV– This week marked a milestone in Las Vegas as one lucky lad had the great fortune of becoming the one millionth person to get his own show in Vegas as an Elvis impersonator. Gruud MacPhereson, or Mac as he’s known--an out-of-work whiskey kegger from Glasgow--couldn’t believe it when told the news by the owner of the Grand Golden Jackpot Hotel, Casino and All-You-Can-Eat IncrediBuffet.

“Actually,” said MacPhereson, “I wasn’t pure lookin' tae bide in Vegas mair than a coople ay days, when a bodie spotted me blooter'd oan th' stage in th' middle ay th' nicht singin' mah rendition ay hoonddog an' said ah was a deid ringer fur Elvis. Noo I’m daein' mah ain shaw an' everythin'. It’s a dream cam trew.”

[Translation: Ackshelly, I waddna rally lookin’ ta stay in Vegas more en a coopla days, when someone spotted me drunk onna stage in th’ middle a th’ neit singin’ ma rendition of Hoondog en said eye was a dead ringer fer Elvis. Now I’m in ma own show an evre’thing. It’s a dream cam trew.]

Sponsors of the “Never Too Many Elvis Impersonators” contest claim that MacPhereson is about the closest thing to Elvis they’ve seen so far, and also one of the most entertaining, both sober and drunk. The only thing that sets him apart is his red hair. MacPhereson is standing firm on that.

“Eye ain’t gonna dye ma hair black fer no one,” said Mac.

MacPhereson really stands out, nevertheless in his white, rhinestone-studded sleeveless t-shirt and plaid kilt. Also, he is the only Elvis Impersonator who is accompanied by a bagpipe.

“You’ll not hear a more stirrin’ rendition of ‘Love Me Tender’ than when Mac sings it with the bagpipe in the background,” said one of MacPhereson’s loyal fans.

Most people are under the impression that Elvis impersonators are from the United States, particularly southern states such as Tennessee, Georgia, and Alabama, but in reality, about a third of the now million impersonators come from foreign countries.

“We once had a fellow from Turkey whose stage name was Ahmed Pressley. What a hoot. You couldn’t understand a word he said, but when he started singing like Elvis, man you could close your eyes and think the king was right there on stage. Ahmed always closed his shows with ‘Tank you veddy much, my friend.’ He was one of our all-time favorites and a very polite person as well,” said Eddie Spiggetti, General Manager of the Grand Golden.

MacPhereson hasn’t said how long he plans on staying in Vegas now that he’s won the award, but his friends say he’s not in that much of a hurry to get back to Scotland. Ironically, his wife left him because she couldn’t take another Elvis song.

Her loss, Vegas’ gain.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Claims Luck Helped in Choosing Perfect Victim

Dominique Strauss-Kahn smiled broadly for the cameras as he and his wife left a NY courtroom Friday after being told by a judge that he was being released on his own recognizance. The dark veil of accountability for his actions in allegedly raping a hotel maid had lifted somewhat, allowing Strauss-Kahn to enjoy his own Independence Day celebration.

An unidentified aide spoke on the condition of anonymity about how Strauss-Kahn was feeling upon his release. “He is elated. What dumb luck he had choosing this particular victim. Turns out, she was seeking asylum in America and had a few skeletons in her closet regarding her alien status,” said Jacques Laffoon, Strauss-Kahn’s personal assistant. “Not only that,” he said, “but she took too much time to think about whether or not to report the rape, leading prosecutors to doubt her sincerity about the crime.”

Laffoon claims the victim’s lies have all but ruined her case. “Dominique could not have chosen a better victim if he tried,” Laffoon said proudly.

Asked if the forensic evidence found in at the scene of the alleged crime corroborating the maid’s story that she was brutally raped by Strauss-Kahn regardless of the lies attributed to her didn’t worry his boss just a tad, Laffoon laughed and said “No, not in the least.”

“You obviously do not know how much trouble we have gone to to discredit this woman. We were lucky that she lied about so many things. Who cares if there is physical evidence of an alleged rape. Who is going to believe a liar? For all we know, she probably bruised her own vagina.”

Laffoon did state that he wonders when Strauss-Kahn’s luck will run out. “One of these days Dom is going to rape a woman who has a squeaky clean past and who is willing to stand up for herself. Thank goodness, the woman at present isn’t able to do that.