Saturday, April 30, 2011

Donald Trump Dons Blackface to Prove He is Not Racist

Donald Trump decided to pull out all the stops to put to rest once and for all the ridiculous notion that he is a racist. Scheduled to speak before a group of business leaders at his alma mater, Wharton School of Business in Philadelphia, Trump stepped onto the stage donning traditional blackface.

The first words out of his mouth were “I love the blacks.” The crowd sat in stunned silence as Trump then did what no other white presidential hopeful has done in the history of the United States. He stepped away from the podium and started to tap dance to the tune of “Mr. Bojangles.”

As the music came to an end, Trump walked back to the podium and gave a speech no one in the room will possibly forget for the remainder of their lives. “Yes, folks, I love the blacks and anyone who says I don’t can kiss my lily-white ass.”

“The same goes for the Jews,” he said. Trump went on to claim that he doesn’t apologize a bit for hiring only Jewish accountants. “Folks, if you want real ham, you don’t try and make it from a turkey, do you?”

Most of the business people in attendance were not the least bit offended by what they perceived as Donald Trump’s very real affection for the minorities he spoke about. “He didn’t get where he is by cottoning to people’s feelings,” said a close friend in attendance at the conference.

Trump finished up by telling everyone that while he is pretty accepting of all peoples, he did admit he had a problem with the Chinese. “Those bastards I don’t trust,” he said. “Although, I have to admit, I won’t send my laundry to anyone else. They really know how to get my whites the whitest.”

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Engraved Tax Bills Sent To British Taxpayers on Eve of Royal Wedding

I wonder where the taxpayers are sending us on our honeymoon, Will.

Reports are coming out of England that part of the cost of throwing one of the most lavish weddings of the decade will be borne by British taxpayers. Unfortunately, with the economy pretty much still on a downward slide, this news could not have come at a worse time for the royal subjects.

To soften the blow, the Queen has come up with a plan that she hopes will take the sting out of bearing some of the burden for a wedding that is rumored to be overpriced and which most of them may only get to attend by watching it on the telly.

“I know how important souvenirs are to the Brits,” said the Queen through her royal spokesperson, “and I know how difficult it will be for some of them to afford a commemorative beer mug or shot glass,” she continued. “Therefore, in order to give a little something back to those who are being asked to help fund this most extravagant affair, we are sending engraved tax bills to each and every commoner which they may keep as a souvenir of the event.

The invoice for a “nuptials tax” will include an RSVP to pay ASAP stub, which will be payable immediately upon receipt. While the RSVP will be printed on ordinary paper stock, the tax bill itself will be engraved in gold lettering and can be retained as a free souvenir of the wedding.

Taxpayers who have already received the engraved invoices in the mail had plenty to say about the matter. Unfortunately, none of it is printable.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Donald Trump Puts Glass House on Market

Yet another indication that Donald Trump is absolutely serious about running for President is the fact that he has just listed his all-glass NY mansion for sale this weekend.

The home, a stunning 8 bedroom, 9-1/2 bathroom home is one of the most unusual homes in the older, reserved neighborhood of Old Wesbury, NY. Boasting “more windows than a cathedral,” Trump is allegedly selling the property due to recent events that he says could very well bring harm to his property, a prediction made a long, long time ago by his grandmother.

“Donny, dear, it’s no coincidence that you’ve built a home constructed almost entirely of glass situated on Stone Throw Way,” Trump recalls his granny telling him over twenty years ago, admonishing him for taking chances that were unnecessary. “I remember her saying to me ‘You are a dear sweet boy, but couldn’t you build the damn house out of bricks or wood like everyone else? Does it really have to be a glass house?’”

Trump says that until recently, he hadn’t given the house a thought as he’s always loved looking at himself in the reflection of all that glass. But now that he’s appointed himself the chief of the truth squad against the President, he’s not willing to take any unnecessary chances of having the home destroyed. “I think old granny might have been right after all. I’m gonna get rid of the glass house asap,”
said Trump.

The home is listed for $2,675,000, and the realtor is throwing in a lifetime supply of Windex as an incentive to move the home quickly. So far the only person interested in the property is Glenn Beck who, like Trump, gravitates toward glass and stone.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Money Laundromats Becoming Commonplace as the Rich Get Richer

No longer do rich businessmen have to hire expensive accountants and CFOs to hide their wealth from the greedy tax man in his or her country. Now they can personally drop in at any one of a dozen money laundering facilities conveniently located around the world and within minutes change their dirty money into fresh new assets with just a quick transaction.

Clive DeOro, owner of “The First National Bank of Assets,” one of the fastest growing money laundering businesses in the world, says he owes his success to the invention of the PETS machine (Presto Exchango Transformation Station), which works much like an ATM. DeOro says his invention will revolutionize the way assets are managed in some of the top businesses in the world.

“No more late-night meetings, covert phone calls or questionable donations to politicians. No dead accountants found just steps away from your front door,” which DeOro admits doesn’t happen all that often, but once is enough. “And, last but not least, no more dealing with the Somalians who trick you into believing they are legitimate banking concerns who have your best interests in mind when offering some of the best offshore banking services in the world.”

Unlike regular laundromats, the facilities offer up soundproof rooms equipped with a computer and a security code. A businessman merely brings his second set of books to the laundromat and within less than an hour comes out squeaky clean and ready to go out there and roll in some more dirt, or hit the slopes, whichever he prefers.

Got some of those pesky sub-prime loans still mucking up your bottom line? There is a special spot remover to get rid of even the dirtiest marks on your business dealings. Attorneys, are you wondering how you’re going to hide the fact that you’ve been using your clients’ trust funds to fund that expensive lifestyle you’ve grown so accustomed to? Quit letting a little thing like possible disbarment keep you from owning that 42-ft yacht you’ve had your eye on.

There has never been a better time to be a sleazy businessman. The government is in turmoil, the middle class is running scared, and regular money sources are drying up. Everyone is so busy trying to save their own asse[t]s, they won’t notice all the griminess being washed from the funds you gained on selling those sub-prime mortgages. With most of the controversy being shifted toward the piddly paperwork screw-ups on all those mortgages, they sure as hell won’t notice you’ve slipped out of the country for a day or two to whiten those whites and brighten those brights.

Full-service stations have already been set up and are ready for business in Zurich, Bern and on the Island of Martinique. Drive-thru offices are expected to pop up once the security bugs have been worked out. Now vacant drive-thru film processing kiosks are being retrofitted with the PETS machines and being relocated to several business districts in America and other prime locations throughout the world.

DeOro says the only drawback he anticipates is underestimating the truly large amount of greed that permeates the business world these days. My machines are built to handle large sums, but he worries about the super loads that are sure to be coming through now on a regular basis.

At any rate, now is the best time to amass as much money as you can, through as many deceptive practices as you deem necessary, because quite frankly, if you aren’t smart enough to take what’s out there while you can, you aren’t FNBA material.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

American Spoof Writers Raked Over Coals by Queen Elizabeth

Those closest to Queen Elizabeth are saying that she is becoming quite upset with the way American satirists are cashing in on the upcoming nuptials between her grandson and Kate Middleton. Although she has long gotten over the rude treatment she has personally received from satirists for years, the Queen’s beef is against American writers who have no idea how to write a decent spoof that sounds remotely like a Brit would have written it.

“You’d think the only bloody word we know here in England is ‘bloody,’ the Queen remarked to a dear friend over tea one afternoon recently. “If they are going to write stories about my grandson, they could bloody well take the time to find out how we actually talk,” she added.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

President Obama Offers up Authentic Treasure Map to Throw Off Birther Scent

The quest for definitive evidence that Barack Obama was born (or not born) in the United States is heating up once again. This time, it is millionaire Donald Trump (or billionaire if you’re asking Trump himself) who is leading the scavenger hunt. Tired of all of the hubbub about where he was born, the President is finally taking matters into his own hands by offering up an authentic treasure map to throw Trump off the birther scent.

The Donald has been all over the airwaves bragging that he will have the proof he and the rest of the birthers are looking for soon enough to prove once and for all Barack Obama does not meet the residency requirements to be President of the United States. Not since Geraldo Rivera hyped the much-anticipated opening of Al Capone’s Vault has America been treated to this level of hyperbole. Everyone, including those who are repulsed by the thought of anyone going to such lengths to discredit our own President, are giving Trump an over-abundance of attention whether he deserves it or not.

While the President is confident that Mr. Trump will meet with the same failure as others that have gone before him on the same holy grail-type quest, he does worry that the Donald may use some of his millions (or billions depending on who you ask) to buy a fake Kenyan birth certificate that is more authentic looking than the Hawaiian one.

Fortunately, Obama possesses the one thing that will throw Trump off the birther scent, i.e. an authentic treasure map showing the exact location of what Obama calls “the mother of all treasure chests buried right in the back yard of the home I was born in.” Obama’s supporters never wavered in their belief that Obama is telling the truth, but now, with the treasure map, they claim that the path to re-election remains very strong.

“We have to admit, we were a bit worried when the Donald appeared on “The View” and couldn’t be forced to stomp off the stage like so many Obama-haters before him,” said Harmony Driggers, co-chairman of the San Francisco chapter of the Keep Obama President movement. “I mean, I watched that segment and you couldn’t pry the guy off the stage if you tried. He was very adamant. I have to admit that it was worrisome. At least, it was worrisome until this treasure map suddenly emerged. Mr. Obama never ceases to amaze us.”

Ironically, the treasure map places the location of the treasure, which is reportedly valued in the hundreds of millions (enough to push Trump truly into the billionaire realm), just outside the back door of the home where Barack Obama’s mother lived at the time of his birth. “We obviously know that Donald Trump can’t resist a good treasure hunt, whether the actual treasure is there or not,” said Obama as he and his family headed off on an unscheduled trip to Hawaii for, what he called, “another little trip back home.”

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Donald Trump Offers $1M Reward for Proof of Obama’s Birthplace

Donald Trump is tired of people coming down hard on him for something he strongly believes in, i.e. making the President of the United States answer to his whims. Trump says he’s not used to anyone telling him he can’t do something and it is this reason alone that spurs him on to put pressure on the President of the United States to personally fly to New York and show him (Trump) his original birth certificate.

However, Trump realizes this may never happen and so he’s working on the next best thing—getting his hands on a copy of the original birth certificate, which he claims will prove once and for all that President Barack Hussein Obama was born in Iraq.

That’s right, Trump believes that Barack O’bama is an Iraqi citizen. “’How can I be so sure’ you ask?” asked Trump of the reporter following this story. “Well, I’ll tell you. His middle name is Hussein. Now any idiot knows that Saddam Hussein was from Iraq. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make that equation work.” He then added, “And for the record, yes, I know Iraq isn’t a part of Africa, but it’s pretty damned close.”

In fact, Trump is so sure that Barack Obama is an Iraqi that he is putting up a cool $1M to the first person that shows him the authentic birth certificate from Iraq. “I won’t be satisfied,” said Trump “until I turn that sucker over and see those tiny little footprints on the back. I’ve got my own personal pedologist (footprint expert) already on board to match the little feet with the big feet.”

Trump was asked how he happened to be in possession of a set of President Obama’s existing footprints. He replied, “That’s my business,” then turned to his assistant. “Jessica, get me Dog the Bounty Hunter in Hawaii on the phone. I need him to get me those footprints he picked up in Oahu last January, stat.”

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dennis Miller Offering Glenn Beck Sidekick Job

Dennis Miller always had aspirations of being the next Bill O’Reilly or “Billy” as he calls him, or the next Glenn Beck. But, even though he does have his own radio talk show, so far, it’s only gotten him a ticket as a guest wise ass on both of those shows. He wants to be in front of the cameras so bad he can taste it, and now that Glenn Beck is being forced from Fox News, he sees it as his big chance to get ahead in the business.

“Oh, I’m over the fact that people won’t allow me to have my own news show like that hack, Jon Stewart,” said Miller. “But if I can convince Glenn Beck to team up with me in a Laurel and Hardy Meet Walter Cronkite sort of way, that may convince the Fox powers that be that I have that little something extra they need to jazz up their news shows, namely comedy.”

Miller says that Beck is the perfect sidekick for his brand of humor. “People take Glenn Beck seriously, but in reality, he’s one of the funniest and wittiest guys I know,” says Miller. “He doesn’t call himself the rodeo clown for nothing. He knows he’s pulling a big one over on the people of America every time he gets in front of that camera and, up until recently, Beck was laughing all the way to the bank with the bull crap he was telling everyone.” Miller claims Beck would be willing to do the visual stunts his show would need to succeed as well.

“I remember the Glenn Beck episode where he poured gasoline all over some poor guy and was standing there with a match. I was on the edge of my frikkin’ seat,” says Miller. “That’s the kind of stuff I want to do, and Beck could really help me pull it off.”

According to Miller, now is the best time to rope that rodeo clown in on a twosome deal that he (Miller) says will be the best comedy team since Rowan and Martin. “Hell,” he said, “I’d go one better. You get me and Glenn Beck in the studio together, and you’ll swear you’re watching the real version of that old cartoon, Lippy the Lion and Hardy Har Har. That’s just how funny we’d be. If I can pull this off, the two of us could conceivably take politics to a level so ridiculous, it would resonate louder than the shot heard round the world.”

Miller says he’s ready for the big time. “I’m so tired of hearing the question ‘Who?’ whenever someone mentions my name in passing.”

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Man Arrested for Soliciting Prostitution in Hawaii Sting Operation

That headline in itself would garner nothing more than a peek at the article to see if there were any titillating facts to glean from the entire story. But when you are a very close friend to the President, well, it takes on a whole new meaning.

All of a sudden, the world is interested in the case of a male Hawaiian resident who happened to get caught in an undercover sting operation for soliciting the services of a prostitute who, most likely, was an undercover cop. The only reason they are interested in his case is the fact that he’s been a close friend to the President since their high school days.

Although this news is so last week, it’s a given that news teams all over America were busy poring over every bit of information they could get their sticky little hands on to glean anything they could to link President Obama to this fella that just happened to use some poor judgment and decide to “go get him some” outside the home.

But wait, what if the story was a plant to take the average American television viewer’s mind off the fact that America is facing a budget crisis and a potential government shut down? Now that is a story we all can sink our teeth into.

Guess what? This time it didn’t work. The budget crisis still looms and there isn’t one person I’ve asked who can tell me what what’s-his-name’s name is.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Glenn Beck One Ups Oprah; Announces He’s Leaving Fox News

Everyone is wondering what or even who Glenn Beck will go after on his last show to air on the Fox News Channel later this year. Just like Oprah, who announced last year that she’d be retiring this year, Glenn Beck announced he was being fired and would leave Fox when he’s damn well good and ready. Yet, no one has a clue exactly what will appear on the mad rodeo clown’s blackboard on that last day.

That’s because no one at Fox News has actually had the cajones to confront Beck with a final air date, nor do they plan to. “He’s a scary guy,” said Gary Grimley, associate producer of Beck’s show. “While Fox fully expects craziness from its personalities on the network, we don’t actually confront it. That’s just nuts.” Grimley, speaking on the condition of anonymity, says that “crazy is what brings in the bucks on Fox.”

Unfortunately, now that the Glenn Beck brand of crazy is actually chasing the bucks away, as in ad revenue, Fox has decided it’s time to cut him loose. Said Grimley, “May God have mercy on America and Fox’s souls,” and added “You aren’t going to print my name, right?”

Monday, April 4, 2011

CIA Secret Operation “Xbox 360 Fever” Underway to Topple Taliban

The CIA is mum on a new secret operation designed to take the Taliban out once and for all. The concept of Operation “Xbox 360 Fever” is based on this country’s own experience with realistic computer games. “It is mainly aimed at the male soldiers who know nothing but fighting since they were young,” said Lt. Col. Milton Bradley, no relation to General Omar Bradley.

According to the limited press release on the latest attempt to “get into the heads” of the Taliban, it would work like this:

*Ten million Xbox 360 consoles and “Call of Duty: The War Collection” games would be purchased from various Wal-Mart stores across America.

*They would be air dropped to opposing forces on the ground in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya.

*Instructions would be in Arabic.

*Eventually, the soldiers would put down their weapons to take a look. After a few attempts, they would get the hang of the games, become hooked like so many of their American counterparts, and would forget about fighting in the real world.

*The wars would be over.

Lt. Col. Bradley says that this operation has to work. “We see the effect it has on a large portion of our own male population. They play to all hours of the night and when it is time to go to school or work in the morning, they simply cannot drag themselves out of bed.” Bradley claims that all such video games are outlawed in all the branches of the Armed Services for this reason.

Bradley and other top ranking military officials believe that once the full effect of the addiction to the games takes hold, allied forces can then go in and take them without so much as a bullet being fired (in reality of course).

Not only do they believe in the effectiveness of this latest operation, but the Pentagon is claiming that the entire operation will cost little more than $5 billion dollars. Doing the math, that means roughly a gazillion dollars would be saved on fighting these three wars and countless others that may soon pop up all over Africa and the Middle East.

In fact, if this operation succeeds, talks are already taking place to supply every man in Africa with a complete Xbox 360/Gears of War package. The only temporary setback will be lack of electricity, but for another $10 or so billion dollars, battery packs would be included with each console.

Efforts are underway to see that the Xbox 360 packages are delivered to Taliban forces in each of the three countries within the next month. “By May, we should be in a position to sweep up the Middle East and restore peace throughout the region,” said Bradley.

Asked how they know this effort will work, one war analyst says that he knows for a fact that several war hawks from the United States have been given the Xbox 360 to try out. One war hawk of note, Donald Rumsfeld, rarely comes out of hiding except for the occasional incoherent interviews he gives every few days on major news channels, which even he admits he doesn’t remember.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Patriots for Pot Put Support behind Morgan Freeman for President

A more liberal-leaning sect of the Tea Party known as the Patriots for Pot are putting their money behind actor Morgan Freeman for President even though he’s not running (officially).

Dilbert “Doobie” Warner, President of the Patriots for Pot Party (PPP) located in Denver, Colorado says that the members of his party were faced with choosing a candidate to back from a list of some really heavy hitters, but in the end, Morgan Freeman was their number one choice.

When asked what qualifications Freeman has for being President in the minds of the members of his party, Doobie replied, “Well, for starters, he’s already been President, sort of. He was President Tom Beck in the movie Deep Impact, and we all think that was an awesome movie, especially when you’re high and that asteroid starts hurtling towards earth. It was so real, man!”

“But on a presidential note,” said Doobie, “Morgan Freeman has this really cool deep voice, but not creepy like James Earl Jones as Darth Vader. Freeman’s is more authoritative but considerate. We like that in a candidate.”

Asked if those were the only reasons, Doobie responded, “What? I’m sorry. I must have drifted off there for a minute thinking about the Jedi warrior fight in Star Wars. What were we just talking about?”

Morgan Freeman could not be reached for comment on this story as he was on location making a movie about the life and times of Grover Cleveland.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Magnetic Pole Shift Causes Massive Pile Up of Birds at Equator

The saying “Birds of a Feather Flock Together” rang true today when residents living at or near the equator around the world noticed an over abundance of birds in their yards and fields. Eduardo Morales, who lives just five miles from the Equator says that he’s never seen so many birds in his entire life in one spot. “Last week, we had the regular birds singing in the trees. This week, we have thousands more birds in the trees, but they are not singing. They occasionally squawk, especially the parrots, but for the most part, the birds are eerily quiet.” Morales claims it’s the creepiest thing he’s ever seen.

Ornithologists from the University of Georgia, School of Bird Studies, have flown to various locations around the globe to study the phenomenon. Dr. Bradley Sorofsky arrived in the small town of San Marcos Morelia, two miles north of the Equatorial line in Equador. I was simply astonished at the number of birds in this area. There had to have been at least 10,000 or so birds for every square meter of forest,” he said.

Sorofsky says he is now certain he knows why the swallows did not return to San Juan Capistrano off the coast of California this year. “I’d say a good portion of the swallows have made their way to this tiny little town.”

Computer models of the birds’ flight patterns have been fed into a computer and the results are startling. Dr. Sven Svenjorgenstern, one of the ornithologists from the Bern Institute of Ornithologic Behavior in Bern, Switzerland says that it is highly possible that recent solar storms have seriously affected the magnetic poles so much so that they have shifted to the point where true north just does not exist at the moment.

“The birds of the world are extremely confused, especially at this time of year when they are trying to fly back home to their nesting grounds based solely on instinct. The shifting of the magnetic pull from north to slightly north easterly, seems to be having a dramatic effect on the birds’ ability to chart a course on their own as they’ve done since the beginning of time,” said Svenjorgenstern. “We do not know how long this effect will last,” he added.

In the meantime, farmers and landowners in the affected areas are being told not to panic. “Sure, the larger birds, such as condors and eagles can be a threat to family pets, so keep your pets and small farm animals safely indoors,” cautioned Hillary Swiftern, of the International Health Organization. “In addition, do not try and shoot at the birds. Contrary to what we have been taught, if birds are pushed to the limit as they are now, i.e vying for living space in very close quarters, they will easily turn on anyone who tries to get near them,” she said. “Even the docile wren and little yellow canary can turn into raging carnivores under the right circumstances,” she added.

Meanwhile, Fundamentalist Christians around the world, but more specifically in Lynchburg, Virginia are using this latest environmental phenomenon to once again remind everyone, “We’re in the end times. Get those guns cocked and loaded. It is your right to bear arms.”