Thursday, March 31, 2011

Nano-Chip Brain Implant Allows Users to Instantly Speak Foreign Language

Nano-Second Language
The first-ever nano-chip language translators are rolling off the assembly line and into cosmetic surgeons’ offices quicker than you can say “Se Habla Espanol?” No longer will it be necessary for those wishing to learn a second or even third language to go through the arduous process of weeks and weeks of studying tapes or attending language classes. The product is called “Nano-Second Language” or NSL, and they are expected to sell out within weeks.

The makers of the NSL brain implant first developed the product under a grant by the United States Department of Defense as a solution to the problem servicemen and women were having when being shipped overseas to the Middle East. “No one spoke Arabic which led to some serious misunderstandings between our military and that of the country our servicemen were stationed in,” says Dr. Lewis Lipps, chief engineer on the NSL project. “The NSL Arabic version will immediately resolve that issue and allow certain soldiers to communicate in countries such as Iraq, Afghanistan, even Libya with little to no problem,” said Lipps.

Asked how the nano-chip brain implant works, Lipps explained, “The NSL Arabic version, for instance, has a complete Arabic alphabet and dictionary with over 20,000 common words which are electronically translatable from English literally within nanoseconds. In a simple outpatient procedure, the NSL chip is implanted into the corpus callosum portion of the left side, or the language center, of the brain and activated.”

Dr. Lipps then showed illustrations of the procedure which is done through arthroscopic surgery. “As soon as a soldier thinks out the phrase he wants to say,” he continued, “he pushes a button that is also implanted discretely underneath the skin on the soldier’s upper left side of the head.” Dr. Lipps explained that when the soldier goes to speak, it appears he is tapping his head as if he is thinking of what to say, and voila, his words come out of his mouth in the language he has implanted. In this case, Arabic.

Initial test results indicate a 97.6% success rate on the battlefield and the nano-chip is already being used by many servicemen and women today. Now that the product has been tested and proven to be efficient in Arabic, a Mandarin Chinese model is being tested on businessmen from various industries who find it necessary to communicate in Chinese with their business counterparts in China. The NSL Chinese version should be available to the business world within two to three months.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Charged with Contempt of Court

Dane County Circuit Judge, Maryann Sumi has issued a warrant for the arrest of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. The warrant charges Walker with contempt of court for disregarding Sumi’s order to hold off on publishing Walker’s anti-union bill.

Walker and other legislative leaders tried to circumvent the Judge’s ruling by having a state agency other than the Secretary of State publish the law. Once done, they ordered the law take place immediately and began to change the deductions taken from state workers’ paychecks.

Once Judge Sumi heard about their actions, she had the Wisconsin Attorney General issue a warrant for Walker’s arrest. “I don’t care if he is the [bleeping] governor of this state, he’s going down,” said a visibly angry Sumi.

Upon arrival in Dane County Jail, Walker was fingerprinted and booked under suspicion of directly ignoring a Judge’s order and handed a cold cheese sandwich and a 7-Up. “It’s the least we could do,” claims jailer Jack Nabem. “The poor guy looked so darned hungry.”

Monday, March 28, 2011

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's Anti-Union Bill Hits NY Times Best Seller List

After a Wisconsin District Judge specifically ruled that Gov. Scott Walker’s Anti-Union Bill could not be published, Scott Walker went ahead and published it anyway. Doing so has garnered the bill some much-needed publicity. In fact, so much so that it is the first Legislative bill to ever make it to #1 on the NY Times Best Seller List.

“Coming up with a catchy title was a problem,” says Walker’s spokesman, Cullen Werwie. “We tossed a few titles around, including Gone with the Entitlements and To Kill an Entitlement but in the end, we went with A Farewell to Collective Bargaining.” Werwie added, “Yes, that is my real name.”

As for Walker, he claims he’s over the moon with the news. “I knew if I hung in there, I’d get some notice,” he said. “It takes commitment, perseverance and plain old chutzpah to get this far and I’ve got all three. Oh, and the #1 spot? Take that Oprah!”

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Tom Hanks to Portray Bill O’Reilly in Upcoming Autobiography

In an upcoming autobiography by Bill O’Reilly in which he prefers not to play himself, O’Reilly has hired Tom Hanks to step in and portray the “love him or hate him” darling of Fox News Channel.

“At first I thought, man, this is really weird,” says Hank about being approached to play Bill O’Reilly in the book. “But the more I read about O’Reilly’s life, I realized this guy really needs help, so I said sure, why not?”

“It could have been anyone, really,” claims O’Reilly, when asked about the project. “I started my autobiography at the tender age of 47 and even by then, I knew I was gonna have trouble selling my life to anyone listening. That’s why I put the project on the shelf (or in this case, in the drawer) and almost forgot about it.”

But what happened next was a near miracle according to O’Reilly. “I was sitting in my big easy chair at home in front of a roaring fire and reading Anderson Cooper’s Autobiography ‘Dispatches from the Edge: A Memoir of War, Disasters and Survival’ and thinking ‘what a load of crap,’ and thought, hell, if he can do it, I can do it.”

That is when O’Reilly went to his desk and pulled the aging manuscript from a bottom drawer under which was a picture of him shaking hands with Tom Hanks. “It was as if a bomb exploded in my head,” said O’Reilly. “I’m gonna ask my old pal Tom to portray me in my book. His life is so much better than mine and, even if it isn’t, we can always use portions of the characters he played in movies to jazz it up a bit.”

O’Reilly’s autobiography should be on book shelves by the end of this year regardless of Hank’s shooting schedule.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy

Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they’ve been told in school and the workplace, the win-win scenario just doesn’t exist. “It’s a ploy,” said Winton Gardensalad from Montauk, NY. “I played along for most of my life and look where it’s gotten me,” he said from the sad little 8 x 10 room he calls home at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Center.

Gardensalad and millions like him say they would love to blow the cover of the win-win folks, but they simply don’t have a clue as to who they might be. More importantly, most losers say they just don’t have the gumption.  “Oh, I tried to grab life by the balls many a time,” he said, “but I got bit in the ass too many times and finally just said the hell with it.”

Many others are telling similar stories. “Oh yeah, I hear opportunity knocking all right,” said Mary Dimpleknickers, “but befefore I can even get the door all the way open, it slams shut in my face. Win-win just doesn’t exist.”

Dimpleknickers says she even dished out a bunch of money to attend a leadership conference. “Things were going well until someone said to me ‘positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?’ I chose down.”

Said Gardensalad, “When you experience your first win-lose situation, you may as well resign yourself to the fact that lose-lose is just around the corner.”

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Don’t Blame the Rich, It’s a Generational Thing

Just as the rich say that breaking the cycle of poverty is a never-ending battle because it is self-perpetuating, some are now using that same logic to try and explain the unmitigated greed that is threatening to tear apart entire states such as Wisconsin and Michigan.

The rich, or as they like to refer to themselves as “the haves” say they simply can’t help it. “We were born this way. It’s how we were raised,” claims Thurston B. Howell III, no relation to the millionaire played by Jim Backus in the hit television show Gilligan’s Island. His wife, whom he nicknamed “Lovey” agreed. “Yeahssss, I agree with Thurston, except in my case, I married into the money, but same concept I suppose.”

The rich say they are tired of being blamed for the greedy way they try to buy power and influence. One billionaire, who asked to remain nameless because he can, had this to say, “Even if I wanted to, I simply do not know the first thing about how to break my own cycle of wealth.”

He related this horrific story. “I honestly tried going to a Walmart once to buy some Clamato juice as we’d run out on the yacht and our servants all had the day off for some inexplicable reason. As I drove the Bentley to the door labeled Food Center, there was no one at the curb to open the door for me and park my car. I lost all sense of where I was. It was awful. I had to turn around and go back to the yacht empty-handed.”

On the bright side, there are way less uber rich than poor folks. Therefore, the chances of ever seeing rich people picketing in the streets for their rights are slim to none.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Michaele Salahi Snorts Heroin to Get Back on Celebrity Rehab

Michaele Salahi was recently kicked off the reality show Celebrity Rehab due to the fact that she couldn’t produce a discernable addiction. Now, her husband Tareq has threatened to sue if they don’t take her back.

The Salahis claim that Michaele is probably more messed up than anyone on the show, but not having a visible addiction or affliction is keeping her from being able to participate in the rehabilitation program. So, in a last-ditch effort, the Salahis have taken what money they have left and bought a large amount of heroin. Michaele has been snorting the stuff several times daily in an effort to get herself hooked to the point where she is damaged enough to appear on the show to see if she can get herself off the stuff and rehabilitated.

In a letter to the show’s Dr. Drew, Tareq writes “My bitch Michaele is on the horse, man, and I can’t get her off the smack. We busted into the White House but now we have the White House monkey on our back. Dr. Dude, we need your help.”

Sources close to Dr. Drew claim that he is still not buying into the whole Salahi ruse. “If, in fact, Michaele is doing heroin to get on the show, she needs help,” he said. “She won’t find it here. This is called ‘Celebrity Rehab’ for a reason.”

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Scott Walker Spends Taxpayer Dollars to Defend Lawsuit

Non-Union Lawyers

In the beginning, the Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, said that in order to balance the budget, the State was going to have to do away with collective bargaining rights for some of its public workers, most notably, teachers. Thus began a battle that included an exodus of Democratic senators from the state in an effort to keep the bill from becoming law and daily protests by tens of thousands of citizens against Walker’s proposals.

When the Republican senate majority passed a bill last week that was hastily thrown together to separate the collective bargaining part of the budget bill, most thought that was the end of the fight.

But, late last week, a Wisconsin Circuit Court Judge issued a temporary restraining order effectively stopping the bill…for now.

Ironically, Walker now plans on spending taxpayer dollars from coffers he says are drying up because of the demands of the public workers for decent wages and benefits, to fight the ensuing lawsuit.

The only people who stand to profit from this fiscal fiasco in the long run will be the attorneys who are now firmly entrenched in litigation on both sides. In the end, it really isn’t just about money, in light of the fact that had attorneys not been brought into the fray, there very well would have been enough to fund teachers’ salaries and give a few tax breaks to the rich and probably enough left over to buy every citizen of Wisconsin a pound of its best cheddar.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Candle Shortage Next Big Crisis on Horizon

People all over the world are becoming increasingly worried about an imminent energy crisis. As a result, they are buying candles by the billions. Candle stores from Albuquerque to Zurich are selling out faster than they can make them. Wholesale distributors are complaining about having backlogs of several months or more on shipments. Even ornamental and decorative candles are being snapped off the shelves in a buyers’ frenzy as the threat of worldwide power outages becomes more of a reality.

While the crisis in Japan is taking precedence over anything we’ve seen before, the candle shortage is a very real spin-off crisis and not expected to get any better in the months to come.

Jasmine Hollowax has been making sand candles since the early ‘60’s in the Haight-Ashbury District of San Francisco and she claims that not only is she finding it hard to find wax but her supplies of sand are also in decline. “The sand candle is about the easiest candle to make,” said Jasmine, “but without wax and sand, it becomes a candle maker’s nightmare.”

The inexplicable decimation of bees in the United States has also contributed to the decline in beeswax, a preferred wax for many candle makers. Dumont Hiasakite, a candle maker who refuses to use inferior materials for his candles, says that if the situation doesn’t get better by June, he is going to have to close the Candle Emporium shop he’s owned in Boston for four decades.

“It’s ironic,” says Hiasakite. “Most businesses fold because they become obsolete and there just isn’t a demand for the product anymore. In our case, it is the opposite. With the energy crisis worldwide, it is just a matter of time before candles will be the only source of immediate power people will be able to find to provide light and help keep their food warm.

“Hoarders know this and are buying candles faster than gold. Especially the big, giant candles you thought you’d never have a reason to own before,” he said.

In a related story, Glenn Beck has replaced the advertising on his Fox News show to accommodate the increased demand for candles. He is no longer touting gold as the most lucrative investment these days but instead is telling his viewers to buy candles, with this message. “Gold is pretty and it used to be a solid investment, but folks, gold won’t light your way in the darkness or heat a can of chili on the coldest of nights. Buy candles now before they’re all gone.”

As a result, wax commodity prices have skyrocketed with an ounce of wax going for more than $1,000.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Rush Limbaugh Dropped on His Head at Birth According to Unauthorized Biography

A writer working on the unauthorized biography of conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has released a very important piece of information that may explain the idiotic statements that Limbaugh often makes on his daily radio show. Recent comments Limbaugh made about Japanese refugees are coming under fire, which led the author to leak the information in the biography prematurely.

“He’s a numbskull, literally,” claims Clark Parsons, a writer known for his work on several unauthorized biographies of various controversial personalities. According to early medical records Parsons has uncovered on Limbaugh’s birth in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Parsons says that Limbaugh was dropped on his head as the doctor was slapping him on his backside.

The medical record on the incident states that there were no outward signs of trauma. This led Parsons to dig further into exactly why Limbaugh is the way he is today. According to a medical doctor that Parsons regularly consults with on these type matters, Limbaugh’s early injury mixed with heavy drug use as an adult has altered Limbaugh’s perception of right and wrong. “It was a combination one-two punch and as a result, Limbaugh’s reasoning is undeniably damaged,” said Parsons.

Upon reading Parson’s explanation for [Limbaugh’s] imbecilic rants, Limbaugh made the following statement on his radio show: “See folks? I have a valid reason for being a big jerk. Hate the condition. Don’t hate me.”

While the book won’t be released until sometime in April, early indications are that once everything is revealed about Limbaugh, even his most ardent fans may have a hard time defending him. If so, many are predicting that this may finally be the end of Limbaugh’s career.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Rupert Murdoch Warns Sarah Palin and Roger Ailes to Play Nice

Rupert Murdoch is the first to admit that he hires strong personalities, and it is sometimes hard to reel them in. When they are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are horrid. That is exactly what is happening in the case of Roger Ailes and Sarah Palin.

Lately, Murdoch has spent more time writing e-mails to the two telling them to play nice than he’d like to. In fact, he’s said more than once that if he could get away with it, he’d treat both of them just like his own kids. “Ailes would get a size 10 up his arse and I’d put Sarah across my knee.”

The latest row just doesn’t seem to want to go away. Sarah Palin was told by Ailes to lay low after the Tuscon shootings, but Palin didn’t heed his warning. Instead, some say she was testing Ailes when she went ahead with her “blood libel” video, which, by the way, no one really got anyway, including Palin.

“Oh, I could have stayed in Alaska for a week or two until the darned Tuscon thingie blew over,” said Palin, “but I just love getting under Roger’s skin. He’s just so easy to tease. Heck, they explained blood libel to me a couple times and I still didn’t get it, but it sure sounded like something that would rile a few folks up and keep me in the spotlight, so I said, ‘what the heck? Let’s do it!’”

Meanwhile, Roger Ailes is said to have come very close to firing Palin after that video. “We’ve put up with her inability to comprehend basic geography, but now she’s showing just how uneducated she is in all subjects, including history and, what should be her best subject, politics,” says Ailes.

“Every time I tell Rupert that she’s just doing these things to make me look stupid, he tells me to shut up and pay her. If I didn’t make so much money now, I’d blow this popsicle stand and go to work for NPR.” Then he added, “Nah, never in a million years. I hear they have to beg for their checks every week. That would suck.”

Meanwhile, rumors have it that Palin is working on her next video to get Ailes riled up. Something about how monkeys could run Fox News. Can’t wait to see that video.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Sarah Palin Seeks Charity to Pay for Kids’ Braces

Sarah Palin recently went on Fox News and publicly admitted that she could use some help in paying for her kids’ dental expenses. “Do you even know how much a set of braces costs these days?” asked Palin as she made her case for asking folks who impersonate her to help shoulder some of the financial burden of raising kids in today’s economy.

Palin was referring to Julianne Moore, in particular, who is slated to play Palin in the upcoming movie “Game Change.” “If I have to grit my teeth any harder on this one, I’m gonna need to see a dentist myself,” quipped Palin, as she explained that she is tired of impersonators making money off her and not seeing a dime of the profits. “If I got a dime for every Sarah or Bristol Palin joke Kathy Griffin told, I’d be a millionaire,” she said.

Sarah Palin claims that it has been hard to get health and dental insurance ever since she quit her job as governor of Alaska. “Jeez, Louise. When I was governor,” said Palin, “the sky was the limit when it came to public benefits. I loved the fact that I could get top-notch insurance for my entire family paid for by Alaskan taxpayers. Now, I’m not saying that the insurance we get from Fox News is shabby, mind you, but the deductibles and co-pays are killing me.”

Knowing now what she knew then, Palin was asked why she doesn’t give more support to the teachers in Wisconsin who have lost their ability to bargain for better health insurance benefits, Palin said “Because. We don’t live in Wisconsin.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Obama Lowers National Speed Limit to 45 MPH, Adds Speed Bumps to Freeways

In an effort to make Americans conserve gasoline in this latest oil crisis, President Barack Obama has signed an emergency bill lowering the national speed limit a full 10 miles per hour, from 55 to 45. In addition, the President is asking the Department of Transportation to coordinate adding speed bumps on the nation’s highways to slow everyone down.

Since no one is certain how much longer we can expect turmoil in the Middle East, not to mention imminent war in Libya, which is certain to drastically affect America’s ability to get cheap oil, the measures were top priority for the White House.

Asked if speed bumps wouldn’t cause harm to cars with faulty suspension systems, Obama simply said “Arrive Alive, Drive 45, Buckle Up and Save Oil,” which he has dubbed the new official highway slogan. Unfortunately, no one really thinks this idea will catch on.

However, the National Association of State Troopers lauded the move. “Do you know how many drivers in this country can’t even keep it at or under 55?” asked Biff Cunningham, President of the Association. “With this new law, we’re gonna have people going so seriously over the speed limit, we’re betting that speeding ticket revenue alone will pull many states out of the red and possibly save many teachers’ jobs.”

Upon hearing this latest news, Sarah Palin remarked, “Well, I swear. Even when Barack Obama steps in poop (referring to the protests in Wisconsin), he still can come out smelling like a rose, unlike some New Jersey governors I know.”

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Piers Morgan Addresses Rumors that He Won’t Interview Prince Poppycock

Piers Morgan tells fans that rumors suggesting he won't interview Prince Poppycock are simply a load of rot. “Balderdash,” claims Morgan. “I don’t know where this hooey comes from.”