Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”

Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate anywhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we are aware of.

And what if she loses? Exactly. That is why she was found recently huddled in her pantry among half-empty tins of duck liver pate and those little pieces of petit toasts threatening to slit her wrists with the spreading knives if someone didn’t tell her where her money was.

She could be heard screaming throughout the west wing of her palatial home “Where is my money? What have you done with it?” In reality, it all went toward a run for governor of California which is now highly suspect of going to her Democratic opponent, Jerry Brown.

Meg was finally coaxed out of the pantry when asked to give one last campaign speech in which she stated: “I can almost see how I’d wanted to spend a large sum of money to make sure California doesn’t fall into the hands of some aging hippie who’s only object to be Governor is to see to it that Proposition 19 succeeds; but if he actually does become Governor, the first thing I’m gonna do is demand a refund.”

With that, Whitman crawled back into the pantry and dove right into an extra large jar of her favorite caviar.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Sarah Palin Makes Kate Gosselin the Face of Her Feminist Movement

Meet Kate Gosselin, Super Mom. The only thing missing is a strong man supporting her, but that isn’t deterring Sarah Palin from naming her the 2010 Feminist of the Year. It is also not deterring Palin’s strong political allies, Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachmann from standing behind Gosselin and admiring her courage in the face of overwhelming odds to raise eight kids alone. In fact, they love Gosselin so much, they’ve re-formulated their acronym from BOP (Bachmann, O’Donnell and Palin) to GOP and B (Gossselin, O’Donnell, Palin and Bachmann).

Gosselin is hoping this latest endorsement of her coping skills will net her a prime place at the head of the Republican/Christian single men’s most desirable female list. “I just think it’s time to put myself out there for all the right guys to see what a catch I am,” said Gosselin in accepting the endorsement. “In fact, if I didn’t have eight kids, I, myself, would probably run for a senate seat. Those girls make it look so easy,” she said of Palin, O’Donnell and Bachmann. “Right now, I have one goal only,” said Gosselin with that knowing smile, “and if I told you what it was, I’d probably not be sentator material.”

Meanwhile, Jon Gosselin, upon hearing the news, laughed out loud. “Sure, go ahead guys, have at it. You want a strong woman? You’ll not find one stronger—willed that is,” he said.”Try going out of town on business trips, not taking out the trash, wanting some personal time when every available moment you have is taking care of the eight kids she so lovingly describes as angels, while Kate is out having her tushie waxed, her nails strengthened, and her weave re-woven. Come to think of it, she’d make a perfect senator.”

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Jesus Declines Dinner Invite from Congresswoman Michele Bachmann

“Sorry, Michele, I’m busy that night,” was the unfortunate reply to Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann’s invitation to dinner to none other than Jesus Christ, her personal Lord and Savior. The woman from Minnesota was crushed.

“Sure, I got definite yeses from Adam, the first man, and George Washington. I even got a definite maybe from Johann Bach, whose music would make a lovely background for the pheasant dinner I’ve got planned,” said Bachmann. “But not having Jesus there, well, I’ve waited all my life for this moment and I definitely feel he’s let me down.”

Bachmann was asked who she would ask to take the place of Jesus now that she definitely won’t be dining with the Son of God. “Well, I’ve got a B list. Everyone who is a good hostess has a B list you know. And I’ve got Ann Coulter advising me on this very important choice. I suppose at this late date, all we can hope for is a yes from our fellow non-feminist, Phyllis Schlafly. Really, next to Jesus, she ultimately shaped my life. Without her influence, I might be a (God-forbid) single mother or worse, a divorcee.”

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Sesame Street Makes Top Ten List of Dangerous Places

Sesame Street is no longer the wholesome neighborhood street that children and their families flock to to enjoy an afternoon of counting and rhyming and learning some fun educational facts. It is becoming more and more a place where you don’t want to hang out. Some of the popular characters have either totally moved away to look for work in other big cities or have gone on the skids. Loveable Grover has been spotted many a time on the street’s main intersection bumming for change.

“I can’t count the times I’ve seen Bert coming out of a back alley with another male character in tow, reeking of sex,” said the Count. “He always was a smarmy character, but now he turns tricks just to pay for his huffing habit. It’s a disgrace.”
 The adult real-life characters who make up the other half of the cast of Sesame Street have all but given up on many of the muppet characters. Oscar the Grouch now guards his dumpsters from the many “divers” who come to Sesame Street hoping to get some groceries that the local supermarket has thrown away. “He’s packing,” said Big Bird, about Oscar. “There was a time when there was plenty for everyone and Oscar would even share once in awhile, but not anymore. You go diving for that pack of day-old doughnuts and you risk being shot. Just ask the Cookie Monster, who is on permanent disability after Oscar and he fought over a half-eaten package of Oreosm, and the Cookie Monster lost.”

Ernie, the on again, off again companion of Bert, seems to be the only constant in the neighborhood. He has a room up above the Diamond Stud Tavern and pretty much keeps to himself these days. “Oh, you smell the occasional wafting of cheap pot coming from his half-opened window, but he’s basically a shut-in,” said Sesame Street policeman, Mr. Cop. “We let him be. He’s been a good egg these last 30 years. If all he’s doing is smoking a doobie and watching Mr. Rogers re-runs, he’s the least of our worries.”

Monday, October 11, 2010

American Families Forced to Stay in Foreclosed Homes Against Will

Many of the largest banks in America, including the Bank of America, not to be confused with the Other Bank of America, have been forcing most of their customers, who have not been paying on their mortgages for months, to remain living in their homes with no means for escape.

Through a series of paperwork glitches that go back all the way to even before the mortgages on the homes were entered into by the homebuyers, these banks are now coming out with the whole truth, albeit, via subpoena, about how they first hoodwinked people into taking hefty mortgages they couldn’t afford. The banks then changed the terms of the mortgage without proper disclosures, leading to double mortgage payments the homeowners couldn’t afford, and then filing paperwork to force the homeowners out of the homes so the banks could take the properties back, this time via faulty foreclosures.

Now, with no other alternative, banks are forcing the original homeowners to go back into the homes, sometimes even after they’ve been stripped down to the last copper wire, and making them live there until they can figure out just how this paperwork thing works. Said one unnamed bank official, “We deal with lawyers. That’s where we went wrong. We listened to the attorneys who told us it was perfectly legal to sell mortgages on a home where the actual worth of the home was less than the face value of the home. But our lawyers advised us we didn’t need to read the fine print attributed to us. We just trusted those lawyers.”

He went on, “Next, they tell us how simple it is. The people don’t pay, the people shouldn’t be allowed to keep their homes. Ok, on this we agreed wholeheartedly, so we have them draw up papers to evict the people from the homes and start foreclosure proceedings for non-payment of the mortgages. Thing is, those papers were evidently not written very well either, and you know us, why read it when you have this [ahem] competent attorney telling us all is legal.”

The bottom line now is that not only do the major banks have to allow a bunch of non-paying mortgagees back into their homes while they get this paperwork snafu figured out, but in the meantime, they can’t use the empty homes to house their own family and friends, especially in the more tony neighborhoods.

One bank official living in Southern California claims that he and his mistress had been staying weekends at a fabulous $4.3 million Malibu mansion living it up and now the owner has been told to go back in there and start squatting. “It just boggles the mind,” said the banker.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Florida Lemur Mistakenly Placed on Ballot as Libertarian Candidate

Florida election officials in the small town of Myakka City are scratching their heads over the apparent practical joke being played on them that now has them in a quandary as to how to remedy the situation. A lemur known as Mister E. Mann is listed on the local ballot as the Libertarian candidate running for City Commissioner.

Myakka City is home to an actual lemur sanctuary, and Mister E. Mann has been a resident there since his birth. “Someone is having a little fun,” claims local elections official Blenda Parks, “and we’re sure we can get this straightened out before Election Day, but if we can’t, we may have to let the voters decide if they want some of their important decisions made by a lemur.” Parks claims that had the error been caught as it was being made, there’d be no problem, but since no one checked twice, the name got on there and it’s twice as hard removing a candidate’s name as it is to submit it.

“Whoever done it, had no problem coming up with the $2,000 fee to register Mister E. Mann as a Libertarian candidate,” said Parks. “Why anyone would want to do it is beyond me, but if you knew our quirky little group of townsfolk, you’d understand.”

Most people believe the culprit is none other than a guy who goes by the name of “Gator” who is a known practical joker. “First and foremost, he’s always trying to pull something on someone,” said “Otter,” another long-time resident of Myakka City. “He may be a practical joker, but he is dead serious about his politics and being a Republican, he’s gonna pull out all the stops to see that the Libertarian party is stopped before they get any candidates elected.”

When Otter was asked if he thinks Gator’s plan might backfire and end up allowing a Democrat to sit on the City Commission, Otter said “oh hell no, there ain’t but one Democrat in this entire city and believe me, even he knows better than to vote straight ticket.”

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Man Blames Divorce on Faulty Ear Plugs--Sues Manufacturer

Terrence Templeton was a happily married man for 53 years to his high school sweetheart, Gladys. The two were inseparable and couldn’t remember ever really having any major fights in all that time. But Templeton, now 76, is divorced and says it is all the fault of the Acme Ear Plug Company.

Terrence, or “Tip” says that he’s been buying the same ear plugs going on 40 years and never had a minute’s trouble with their effectiveness. “Gladys is a talker, plain and simple,” says Tip. “From the time she’d wake up in the morning, till she laid her pretty little head on the pillow and whispered ‘night Tip’ she talked. Never really said much, just talked. And she drove me up a friggin’ wall with all that talking,” he said.

The ear plugs made Tip’s flawed wife, flawless. Gladys doted on Tip and Tip on Gladys. Everyone said they were that one couple who would never, ever get divorced. Ever. But then something happened that would change all that. The Acme Ear Plug Company made a change in how they made their ear plugs. They discontinued the type that Tip had been buying for the past 40 years, which they called “The Silencer.” Ironically, not only did Acme change the shape of the plug, but they also re-named it “the Quietude.”  

“They are just not the same product,” Tip told a jury at the civil trial he brought for damages against the Acme Ear Plug Company. “The design change of the ear plugs I’d been buying for 40 years resulted in a faulty product, causing me to lose sleep, become nervous, and eventually lash out at my precious Gladys one night in a fit of rage. Although I didn’t hit her, we both knew that one more word out of that woman and she would have been talking out the next side of Tuesday. We agreed at that point, we were going to have to get a divorce,” testified Tip through quivering lips.

Acme’s attorney would not comment on the case other than to say that the design changes have been made and the old ear plugs are no longer being manufactured. Gladys, meanwhile, has moved on and found love with Harvey Weinstein, who just happened to know a good thing when he saw it and went out and bought a Miracle Ear with volume control.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Entire Blocs of People Heading for Hills to Avoid Biometric Technologies

Technological advances in how people are doing their business these days have prompted one of the largest exoduses in America. Entire close-knit groups, mainly large families banding together, are pooling their resources and heading for the rugged wilderness found in Idaho, Montana, and even California.

One such group calls itself the “New Garden of Eden” after the Bible of course, but more importantly after a quilt design, “Garden of Eden.” The leader of the group, Harmon Eekins of Providence, Rhode Island claims he got the idea from reading a book. “I don’t remember the name of the book, but it was about a family of families that got together, bought a big spread of land way up in the mountains and proceeded to learn how to live off the land instead of conforming to the rapid technological advances of the day.”

Asked if the book Eekins may have been referring to could have been a history of the Amish, he claimed “hell no not the Amish. They’ve been around forever. Besides, they live in the hills, not the mountains.”

The technology that was the final straw for the people in Eekins group was biometric technology. They believe that humans are being tracked through eye prints, fingerprints and more, and that it is just a matter of time before the dreaded chip implant becomes mandatory.

“We can’t stop progress and we sure as hell aren’t going to let Big Brother have a swipe at us, so we’re leaving,” said Eekins. Eekins’ group is not the only one either. Montana has seen a rash of settlements way into the hills. Land is being bought up in record numbers and at a low price of less than $600 an acre in some places, these “outlanders” as they now wish to be called feel that now is the time to strike while the iron is hot.

Eekins’ said they aren’t “Little House on the Prairie” but close. “Think of us as those people you read about in books and see on television. The ones where, when everyone else was too busy Googling, Twittering, and Facebooking, we were planning our future ahead and we plan on being around a long, long time after technology finally breaks for good.”

Eekins says if anyone is interested in finding out more about their group and about other like groups, they can check out his website at www.gardenofedenitis.com.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Seattle Opens First Self-Help Health Clinics in US

SEATTLE, Washington – A group of enterprising doctors today were granted a license by the State Board of Medical Examiners in Washington State to open the first of what they hope to be many self-help walk-in clinics in America.

Based on the concept of “been there, done that” but in a more professional sense, the doctors came up with a plan that they say will revolutionize the way people are treated for minor mishaps.  The doctors claim that most people nowadays know their way around the internet pretty well. There are hundreds if not thousands of “check your symptoms” sites for them to go online and follow a series of questions to determine what may be ailing them. The doctors also claim that people are much more savvy when it comes to self-diagnosing and treating themselves with over-the-counter and existing prescribed medications, and that those same people would benefit from coming into a clinic and getting a confirmation or denial of their course of action.

“That is where we come in,” claims Dr. Stanley Morgenstern, the brainchild who came up with this most unique approach to treating those who cannot afford quality medical care but who need the ‘clinic’ experience to get well.

“I was seeing more and more patients who would ask me about this treatment or that treatment that they had read up on the internet and in more than one instance I noticed that what they were spouting to me had some truth in it.” Morgenstern said he then had several conversations with some colleagues over a multiple golf games and that’s when it hit him. “Hey, these people can follow directions. We’ll help them out and not charge them a fortune just to see a guy in a white coat do what they can do for themselves,” said Morgenstern, and that is how “Self-Check Clinics” was born.

The concept is going to be quite simple. People do not need an appointment to go into the clinic and register to ‘consult’ with a computer doctor. Once seated before a computer screen, they will be prompted automatically to fill in their name and a brief medical history and state any existing conditions they have as well as medical problems they are having at present. They will also be prompted to report any and all drugs they are taking, whether prescription, over-the-counter, or illegal. They will also be able to slip their arm into a blood pressure cup and have their blood pressure as well as temperature and heart rate readings taken automatically.

The screen will then come on asking them what their major complaint is. Dr. Morgenstern claims that these clinics will only take patients who have minor complaints, such as grinding headache, insomnia, flu other non life-threatening medical issues. Several times throughout the screen process the computer will prompt the patient to go on with the PROCEED prompt. If the computer gets to a point at any time where it senses the patient may have a much more serious problem, it will show a STOP prompt and will advise the patient to immediately see a doctor.

Some of the PROCEED prompts will look like this:


Some opponents of the new clinics are making their voices heard loud and clear that this is a horrible idea which will lead to misdiagnosis causing more serious medical conditions in the people who use these clinics. Dr. Morgenstern disagrees. “People have options all the time in life,” said Morgenstern. “I’ll give you a for instance. Most people suffering mild chest pains will first think they are having a heart attack. This is normal to think this way as that is location of the heart. However, nine times out of ten, it is just heart burn. Sure, they could just go over to the drug store and pick up something to ease the discomfort, but with all those products on the shelf, which one do they choose? Tablets? Time-release capsules? Liquids? It can get pretty confusing. Our clinics will help them sort out their needs from Mylanta to Pepcid. That is just one of the many things we can do for them. They will walk out of a clinic better informed of their condition and feel proud that they took part in a positive health plan for a change.”

Morgenstern continued, “Would they like to have the money to see a real doctor? Sure, maybe, but until they do, they get charged a little less for almost basically the same treatment. It’s a win-win hands down.”

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Al-Qaeda and Taliban Efforts to Boost Domestic Travel in America Succeed

American Tourism Officials finally have something to cheer about. Americans are staying home and spending their hard-earned paychecks on domestic travel. Disney World, New York City, even Lester’s Museum O’ Rare Lobster Tails in Bangor, Maine is seeing a sharp increase in spending by families who are cancelling trips to the French Riviera and instead seeking some good old-fashioned entertainment right here at home.

“We never thought we’d say that Osama Bin Ladin is a hero, but we are starting to think he just might be,” said Ed Olberschultz, MSNBC’s travel analyst.  “This is the shot in the arm that places like New Orleans really needs. I mean, think about it, they want France, where better to get it than in the French Quarter of New Orleans. Ayeee,” he said in the best Cajun he could muster. Want authentic pizza from Italy? Visit New York City, where you can also now catch a ride on an authentic double-decker bus, just like in jolly old England.

Olberschultz says if you were planning on really doing Europe big and now find that you just can’t bring yourself to putting yourself and your family in harm’s way, take them to Epcot Center. Not only will you be able to take a trip to some of the most prominent countries in Western Europe, including Norway, France, Italy and the United Kingdom, you’ll get the added bonus of visiting the middle and far east, as well as the countries directly north and south of your own border, all in one tidy little terrorist-free place.

Never has there ever been a better time to see America. This may just be the shot in the arm this country needs.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Collective Human Intelligence in Danger Due to Internet

Scientists in Stockholm, Sweden are just now concluding a 5-year long research project designed to determine whether or not mainstream consciousness is finally overpowering mindless consciousness and endangering the world we live in to such a degree that we may find ourselves staring down the real Apocalypse of 2012. See Video for proof.

Some of the findings are startling. From the “don’t worry your bottom dollar about it” scenario to “holy shit, we have a crisis on our hands” [our words not theirs], the report is poised to set the social networking world on its head.

Everything from school buildings becoming obsolete because kids can just go to school from their bedrooms, to scientists botching some of the most important scientific studies of our time because they got sidetracked by Twitter, have found their way into the report.

“Human interaction, as we know it,” said Dr. Heinz Friedendehead, “will no longer be the norm, and in some cases is already becoming quite abnormal as people begin to find ways to hide behind computer screens in order to communicate with family, friends, loved ones, bosses, doctors, lawyers and the occasional stranger.”

Dr. Friedendehead claims that the very complex issues that are facing us as a people such as global warming, famine, disease, super bugs, etc. were once getting the attention they deserved maybe twenty years ago, but in today’s social networking arena are taking a back seat and suffering from botched data caused by a lack of attention on the part of the research scientists studying the issues.

“Global warming, for instance,” he said. “Global warming was poised to be taken care of just after the turn of the century, but instead the social networking site ‘MySpace’ appeared on computer screens. From there, it morphed into ‘Facebook’ and now all anyone can say about global warming is that it is on everyone’s mind—right. Just after how many times Lindsay Lohan has been jailed and what color panties Katie Perry is wearing today, or whose dog pooped on whose neighbor’s lawn.”

Dr. Friedendehead has this warning for us. “Wake up people. You can only see so many ‘puking pumpkin’  and ‘monkey ninja’ images before realizing that we have a major problem the world over. Aunt Sarah’s bout with arthritis is important, sure, but so is saving our planet. Get off the computer, go to work on something important, and send Aunt Sarah a ‘Get Well Soon’ card through the mail.”

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Gun and Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan

MIDDLE AMERICA, USA - Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity.

“We are sick and tired of being told we’re deadbeats when it’s the companies that are shipping our jobs overseas, leaving us jobless and broke,” said Homer Simpson, who was recently laid off from a local manufacturing plant in Ypsilanti, Michigan and forced to choose between buying food for his family instead of making his mortgage payments.

“Got me a rifle and a new job--scaring off the bank buzzards,” said Simpson. “Damned vultures. First they sell me a mortgage they know I’ll probably end up not being able to make the payments on if my job goes south, which it did, then they wanna come in, take the house and let it sit there empty letting every hood in the city have their pick of whatever is left in it that’ll make them some crack money. And I’m supposed to sit there and watch it happen? Not on my watch,” he said.

These are harsh words coming from a man who held the position of union steward for years at the local plant; charged with keeping flaring tempers intact; deacon at his Church, vowing non-violence in the 1960’s, and now having to go to such lengths to protect his own American dream.

“Jesus, Lord in Heaven,” he said. “We’re all a bunch of hippies turned commando and why? Cause we want the same thing those bankers have, a secure job, a happy home and safe neighborhoods. Well, they got theirs, should be tricklin’ on down here any minute I figure, just don’t know how much longer I can keep my finger off this damned trigger.”

Friday, October 1, 2010

Michael Moore Secretly on Tap to Advise New Chief of Staff

While it is true that Peter Rouse has taken over for Rahm Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff, there are rumors floating about the White House that it is Michael Moore and not Rouse who is now running the show for our President.

Moore has been tapped to be a top advisor to Rouse in the short time running up to the elections. If all goes well, Moore will take an even more active role in advising the advisor for the remainder of Obama’s term as President.

While no official press reports are expected on this major strategic move, there have been plenty of eyewitness sightings of Moore, Rouse and Obama meeting daily at the Waffle Shop on E Street in Washington discussing political strategy over burgers, fries and salads. Moore jokingly said his first order of business is getting the President to eat salads instead of his usual burger and fries but it seems to be an uphill battle. Moore claims he’s had private talks with Michelle and she jokingly confided that she has no worries about her husband raiding the Presidential Garden. Moore promised to help Michelle out as well when he isn’t telling Rouse what to say and do.

Moore was overheard by patrons explaining to Rouse that the biggest hurdle to the job of getting the Democrats re-elected to office senate seats is that there aren’t enough crazies in the bunch to make anyone stand out. “What we need, Pete, is a political base that isn’t afraid to talk tough right back to those tea party nut jobs. Quit taking their crap and tell them if they can’t tell the truth, they can’t represent Duluth, or something like that. You know, something catchy.”

It’s reported that Rouse really isn’t much of a Michael Moore fan and is taking this news rather hard. In fact, he’s losing a bit of weight as he just sits at the daily meal picking at his food and grimacing instead of bringing anything constructive to the table, like the metaphorical hot sauce on chicken wings so to speak.

Meanwhile, Moore has written Rouse’s first official statement for him which includes the words liberal and wussies in several places and which promises that there’ll be no more shellacking of the Democrats once Moore gets done with them. We are going to scrub those babies clean and give them a whole new veneer, one that is tough as nails but doesn’t need any shellack. “It will be all shine, but no shellack,” said Moore, using yet another of the metaphorical statements that seems to have gotten Moore this most prized position in the administration.

His camera crews, however, were told to turn off their cameras and put the next movie project on hold until after Moore’s tenure in the White House is on more stable ground.