Tuesday, August 31, 2010

National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott Gaining Momentum

While the Tea Baggers are busy off rallying for their causes, the Populist Party has come up with what they believe is a more effective way to get the attention of big corporate interests to pay attention to just how unhappy their workers are. It’s called the National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott and it’s scheduled to happen on September 3, 2010.

Basically, what this will do if enough workers decide to join the ranks, regardless of their political affiliation, is to show the corporations how little can be accomplished when the minions are not at work making everything run smoothly, which, in turn, makes the companies boatloads of money.

Imagine if you will corporate Presidents and CEOs forced to make their own coffee and run their own copies. As much of a temptation it would be to show up for work just to watch them try and fix a paper jam in the copier or, God forbid, change the toner, the fact that you just know there are scores of corporate executives on that day wearing white shirts totally covered in black toner will make for a very enjoyable day off of work.

While not everyone can afford to take the day off, such as day laborers who need every penny they can earn, if a significant number of workers do decide to get the ‘minion flu’ it could just send a message loud and clear that unless we see an increase in our salaries that are more in line with the type of work we do, we may just get sick a whole lot more often. But for now, one day can make all the difference in the world.

Interestingly, National Stay Home from Work Day coincides with National Treat Yourself to a Leisurely Lunch day. It might be fun to head on over to your bosses’ favorite lunch spots and watch from a distance as they try and order for themselves for a change. Just a thought.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Sarah Palin Hails President Obama at Beck Rally

Sarah Palin gave a surprise second speech Saturday at Glenn Beck’s “Restore Honor” rally in Washington, D.C. In it, she praised President Obama for finally bringing our combat troops home from Iraq.

“As a mother of a combat soldier,” I want to thank President Obama personally for seeing to it that my son’s life and the lives of the soldiers still living are finally home safe and sound from Iraq. There has been too much bloodshed already. That is what this rally is all about.”

When Glenn beck was told of the secondary speech, however, he was not pleased. “Jesus God in Heaven,” said Beck. “I got outside to load up on corn dogs and curly fries and come back to find out that my number two speaker has just given a second speech. Boy, you have to spell everything out for that Palin woman. Number two speaker just means she’s second in line to me, not that she gets two whacks at giving a speech.”

Beck went on. “I just hope she’s smart enough to realize which of the Jiffy Johns are for #1 and #2, cause these corn dogs can sure cause some distress.”

Friday, August 27, 2010

Sarah Palin Claims She Can Be as Apolitical as the Next Politician

As Glenn Beck’s sidekick for Saturday’s highly-hyped event “Restoring Honor Rally” expected to draw lots of white people to the nation’s capital on the 47th anniversary of one of the most significant events in black history, Sarah Palin says for that one weekend, she’s going apolitical.

That’s right. Sarah Palin plans on speaking to the crowd as an everyday citizen, not as someone who is potentially running for office of President of the United States. How she is going to pull off this amazing bait and switch is anyone’s guess, but suffice it to say, if anyone can do it, Sarah can. She has the money to hire some of the best speech writers in the business. She’s just hoping the weather cooperates and it’s not too humid in D.C. this weekend so the notes on the palms of her hands don’t run.

Sarah twittered yesterday “No p-ticks this wkend. Just Am prid(e).”

Asked if she was a part of Beck’s decision to hold this rally on this particular day, Sarah responded that she wasn’t even aware of the date of King’s “I Have a Dream” speech. In fact, she claims she always thought he gave that speech in Memphis and then died. “So, I don’t understand,” said Sarah, “what all the fuss is about. It’s not like we’re taking our rally to Memphis or anything.”

Thursday, August 26, 2010

John McCain: Don't Believe Anything I Say Anymore

In a bold move to assure his re-election as Arizona state senator in November, John McCain has adopted a new stance on everything. He’s even claiming that he never was a maverick even though there are hours of news footage of him during the 2008 election campaign totally embracing and even bragging about the title that was given him, even allowing his sidekick Sarah to call him that a few times on the campaign trail.

McCain now says he never was comfortable with the title. In fact, everything he stood for then, he probably doesn’t stand for now, but don’t press him on it. It just makes him jittery. Like Joe Lieberman, John McCain figures if he sits on the fence long enough, he pretty much can say what he wants and if one group doesn’t agree with him, he can side with the others, and if the other side doesn’t agree, well, just flip those legs over and face in the opposite direction.

Says McCain “I’m getting to the point where even I don’t know what I believe in anymore, so the bottom line is, if you want more of the same and don’t care really how I vote as long as I show up to vote on issues, then vote for me. I won’t let you down, and if I do, well, that’s the price you pay for groceries these days.”

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Chief Standing Wolf Takes on Rush Limbaugh After 'Injuns' Comment

FORT APACHE, Arizona - Watch out Rush Limbaugh. Chief Standing Wolf, who earlier this year made certain promises to rid Arizona of non-Native Americans if they didn’t repeal their white man laws allowing only English-speaking people in their state, is on the war path again. This time, it’s Rush Limbaugh that has the Apache leader seeing red.

Standing Wolf spoke on Fort Apache radio station WIND (INDigenous Radio): “A man named Rush is worthy of his name. He rushes to judgment of a people who are proud. We do not care for his words. We will stand against his words. One day, Rush, you will understand the true way, and when you do, it will be too late.”

Upon hearing  Standing Wolf’s words, Rush Limbaugh said “what?” due to the fact that he doesn’t speak Apache. However, he then just laughed it off, lit another cigar and went onto his next topic, those worthless Meshicanos. Said Rush “why do I waste my time on the Injuns when there are just so many others to attack. I say to Standing Wolf, ‘sir, until you become a pale face and embrace the white man’s way, you won’t have two buffalo nickels to rub together,” to which he added “that ought to make that Injun think twice about taking on ole Chief Rush Limbaugh.”

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Pentagon Buys J.D. Salinger’s Toilet for $1 Million

The Pentagon today announced that in keeping with the President’s unofficial request to keep spending to a minimum, it would henceforth be purchasing many items used from the popular auction site, eBay at considerably less than they would cost if bought outright from government contractors. In fact, the House Appropriations Committee has declared eBay an official government supply contractor from here on out.

The first purchase under this new edict was J.D. Salinger’s toilet for the bargain-basement price of $1 Million dollars. Pentagon requisition chief, Hoobie Cheeper said today that their bid beat out many others and everyone at the Pentagon were celebrating the purchase. “Do you know what toilets cost from Xe, the company formerly known as Blackwater? Upwards of two mil each,” said Cheeper, and that’s without the seat. The seat usually costs another $200,000. It got to the point where were having to install toilets in all the latrines without seats.

In the same block of auctions, the Pentagon also picked up a dozen used Bic pens from the Salinger collection for $50,000 for the lot, and several steno pads at $25 apiece. Although the steno pads had writing on them, the government just couldn’t pass up the bargain and said they could use the other sides of the paper for important message writing and appropriations budget memos.

Army Sergeant 1st Class Hugh Binhad has been assigned to special eBay duty to scout the boards daily for bargains like that of the Salinger toilet. “With a budget of a gob of money,” says Binhad, “I’m sure to be able to outfit the Pentagon with some really neat stuff.”

Monday, August 16, 2010

Forget Doomsday Prophecies; Beer Prices are Skyrocketing

Another Friday the 13th came and went without incident. It's as if the Universe doesn't take itself seriously anymore. Mars can run retrograde and Saturn can be humping Venus (relatively speaking of course) and still life goes on without so much as a blip.

Until now. Quietly staying behind in the shadows was the bad news of the century waiting its turn to slap the face of every serious beer guzzler out there. Thursday's business section, August 12th, jumping the gun on every conceivable Friday the 13th doomsday scenario, "The price of a pint may be going up 40%!"

Forget killer bugs, killer storms and the worst oil spill in history. What we're faced with now is an alcoholic tsunami unlike any we've ever seen in history. Without cheap beer to get us through these tough times, we are basically screwed.

When the economy is bad, beer has always been there to help us out of the abyss, to make things seem alright even if only for a short time while we lay sprawled on the floor of some pub, oblivious to the terrible disasters occurring around us. If we awoke with a feeling of dread, we just hobbled down to the quickie mart and bought some more brain balm and again, the world was rosy.

But brain balm is now gonna cost more and with the economy the way it is, some are going to have to forego essentials like rent and groceries to keep the malty medicament flowing. Oh, make no mistake, we'll find the money somehow. Sell our blood or a kidney, rob a bank, hit the folks up for their social security checks first of the month. The money will find its way to the barkeeps' tills one way or another, but wouldn't it be nice, just once, to hear this bit of news, "Beer prices down this quarter, drinks all around."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

This Friday the 13th Predicted to Be Astronomical Doozy

Several astronomers are coming right out and telling people to be extra careful this Friday the 13th due to the fact that in addition to the 13th falling on a Friday this month, another more sinister event will be happening in the skies that night—a triple conjunction with the moon lining up with Venus, Mars and Saturn all in close proximity that night. Also known as the “smiley face” effect, the occurrence is rare but has always been associated with significant happenings in history.

Triple conjunctions have occurred on significant dates in history such as the birth of Jesus Christ and the fall of the city of Constantinople, not to mention the date that Wal-Mart opened its first store—hence the smiley face logo.

In modern times, some conspiracy theorists believe the illuminati seize the opportunity to plan devastating world events when these three planets all come within close proximity to each other and the sliver of moon.

It is because of the triple conjunction that this particular Friday the 13th is considered by some to be another doomsday date to be wary of. But that’s not all, consider this. The Perseid meteor showers are set to give an exceptional show, with the peak viewing time from the night of the 12th into the early morning hours of the 13th. That’s meteors folks. Although none have come close enough to the earth to cause any problems in the past, the fact that they are happening the same time as the triple conjunction does sound an alarm for some. If you’ve never seen the movie “Armageddon,” you may want to pick up a copy and watch it tonight while there’s still time to plan.

We wouldn’t suggest you go hiding under your covers just yet though. Unless you see news stories such as Sarah Palin applauding Barack Obama’s efforts in making health care affordable and available to all Americans, Rush Limbaugh admitting to his listeners that he is indeed a progressive liberal and he’s lost 50 pounds on the new Slim-Fast Diet, or Bill Clinton swearing off extra-marital affairs, you can just chalk this Friday the 13th up as another false alarm.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Spontaneous Pot Combustion in Church Rectory Causes High Mass

Police and fire crews were called to Our Lady of Perpetual Forgiveness in Worcester, Massachusetts last Saturday evening when a church secretary called to report a strange smell emanating throughout the chapel where mass was being held. At first, everyone thought that the priest must have been burning incense and didn’t think anything of it, but as the smell got stronger and some of the faithful began giggling uncontrollably, it became apparent that something was amiss.

The priest, however, seemed unwilling to allow his service to be disrupted and went on with his sermon, albeit his words becoming more and more difficult to comprehend. One parishioner claims at one point, the priest began sermonizing about out-of-body experiences and vibrational patterns of the universe before sitting down in front of the potted mums and “getting into” the unusual purple color someone had dyed them.” That is when the secretary, who had been sitting in the furthest row and appeared to be less affected by the smoke, snuck outside and used her cell phone to call 911.

Upon arrival, the police found the congregation dancing around in the chapel and singing “Jesus Christ Superstar” as the priest chowed down on the entire plate of wafers, washing it down with the wine set aside for communion.

A search of the source of the smoke in the chapel netted no results; however, police did confirm that the smell was definitely that of burning marijuana and not incense. The priest and the congregation were led outdoors into the fresh air, as the police continued their search for the source of the smoke.

They opened the door to the rectory and that is where they saw a smoldering fire in the corner. A pile of oily rags appeared to have spontaneously combusted and set ablaze a large bag of marijuana obviously left behind by a carpenter who had been hired by the Church earlier in the day to work on restoration of the woodwork in the rectory.

Police were unable to locate the carpenter for further questions. The priest claims he just showed up on the Church steps with a story about being out of work and asking for a hand out. The priest says he put him to work in the rectory promising him some fish and bread upon completion of the task. No one has seen or heard from the man since.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Dressing for Success No Longer Necessary in Today’s Business World

All you newly-graduated business college graduates, listen up. There is no longer a need to go out and spend a fortune on expensive power suits and dresses in order to look your best at that all-important job interview, if, in fact, you actually do land an all-important job interview.

The rules of dressing for success have drastically changed due to the fact that hardly anyone anymore even shows up for work at an actual workplace, and the ones who do are being told to dress down in order to allow them more comfort in their jobs.

Yesterday’s classic business suit has been replaced by business casual on Mondays through Thursdays and by ultra casual on Fridays. What this means for the guys is that you can get by during the week wearing a pair of khakis and a nice polo shirt and on Fridays, go right ahead and wear those ripped jeans and Metallica t-shirt. For the ladies, a cute little sundress or slacks and a matching top will suffice for the week, and on Friday, go for the capris, tube top and flip-flops. What the hell.

A sharp increase in telecommuting has also had an impact on the way most people dress for success. For most, all that is required to do their job from home is a desire to get up in the morning. Forget all that psychological bullshit that says in order to succeed, you must dress the part. You can plant yourself in front of your computer buck-assed naked if you want and it won’t affect your performance one bit.  

If, by chance, you are required to attend a teleconference from home and business attire is necessary, you can save yourself some much needed cash by having on hand a nice business dress shirt, tie and suit coat. As long as your computer camera angle is directed at the top half of your body, you don’t need to go to the expense of buying a matching pair of slacks or skirt.

So get your resumes ready and bone up on your office skills but don’t worry about looking your best at that interview because your boss is probably going to interview you via teleconference anyway as he sits in front of his computer buck-assed naked from the waist down.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Jan Brewer Tells Sarah Palin “Thanks, Honey, But in Arizona, We Call them Balls”

In an attempt to get the back of a fellow female Governor, Arizona’s Jan Brewer, Sara Palin stated on Fox News that President Obama doesn’t have the cojones to secure the nation’s borders and fix immigration. She went on to say that Jan Brewer does, though.

Some found it ironic that Palin would use a Spanish word to describe the part of the President’s anatomy that is lacking instead of just coming out and calling them what they are—balls—especially in light of the fact that the conversation is about Spanish-speaking Mexicans not welcome in Arizona.

The most likely reason is that balls sounds crude, cojones doesn’t. The word, cojones flows nicely into a conversation. Balls kind of barges right in and makes a bold statement that may offend. Thank goodness for Jan Brewer’s bluntness. Just moments after Sarah intimated that Jan Brewer had cojones, Brewer issued a special statement saying “Thanks, Sarah Honey, but in Arizona, we call them balls.”