Friday, April 30, 2010
In the past few days, many seekers of peace and harmony who had planned on experiencing the powers of these spiritual wellsprings have gone away saddened and disappointed. "I came here several months ago to visit Bell Rock and left with such a peaceful feeling throughout my entire body," claimed Shanna Eyeful, a practicing New Age therapist. "This time, there was something horribly wrong. Instead of peaceful and harmonious feelings, I came away feeling as if I could physically strangle the hell out of someone. Sorry about the language, but I've been swearing like this ever since I left Bell Rock."
Others have experienced similar phenomena. "The whole energy surrounding this once highly spiritual area has shifted and now it seems to be scaring folks instead of nurturing them," says Horace "Astro" Scopes, leader of Sedona's 'Screaming Orange Jeep Tours". "I've been asked to refund so many of my customers' tour fees that I may now be forced to sell off one of two of my Jeeps just to pay the lease on my Hummer."
Resorts across the area are witnessing a high volume of cancellations as word spreads across the New Age community. "The only reservations we're seeing around here are of the Native American kind," said one resort owner. "What was I thinking by supporting that asinine anti-immigration Bill?
Many Arizonans are clueless. In addition, they don't know why this is happening now. Native Americans in the region believe that the spirits that dwell in the vortices have decided that until people can act like true spiritual beings toward their fellow man, they are no longer interested in trying to help them attain a more heightened sense of being. As one Hopi elder put it, "the spirits tried, and some genuinely came to listen and to learn, but the majority of those living in this most mystical land have chosen money, greed and ridiculously-colored Jeeps over more important spiritual things, and they will now know the consequences."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Navajo Nation – The Navajo, Hopi, all Apache Nations and all other Native Americans who presently reside in Arizona have joined forces in an effort to show the haughty Arizona residents just exactly who has every right to be in that State.
Said Chief Standing Wolf, “it is not those of European decent who should be making the laws of this state, but we, the tribal people, who have been suppressed for too long. Our ancestors have been here for thousands of centuries, while the white man only came a few hundred years ago. Yet, it is the white man who wants to make ridiculous laws and keep everything lily white. We can no longer stand by and let this happen.”
Short of declaring war on the Arizona government, Chief Standing Wolf instead issued a warning “reverse your laws entitling only English-speaking people to inhabit Arizona. Only then will we back down and allow peace to again grace Arizona, but if you deny our fellow red and brown men their rightful place in this state, there will be bloodshed.”
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Phoenix, AZ – President Barack Obama was detained for a brief period yesterday at the Phoenix, AZ Airport by TSA officials while police determined whether or not to arrest him for not having proper identification with him at the time he touched down in their state. President Obama was in Phoenix to speak at a fundraiser for Democratic candidates willing to take on the Republicans in this year’s Senate race.
Said a police spokesperson, “We, the people of Arizona, have reason to believe that Mr. Obama may not, in fact, be a natural-born United States citizen, and until he can prove otherwise, we have no other option under the new legislation passed but to detain anyone who cannot prove their citizenship.”
Meanwhile, not even this latest episode could ruffle the feathers of this country’s most genteel leader. “While I understand why I am being detained, I cannot stress enough the enormity of the situation when one of our states takes it upon themselves to determine the legality of every citizen in our country who passes their borders. This may just be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I will reserve my criticism for the time being. But make no mistake when I say that Wall Street will feel my wrath upon my return to Washington.”
President Obama was eventually told he could leave the state, but only after posting bail and agreeing to return for a court date sometime in the near future, hopefully with a certified copy of his Hawaiian birth certificate in hand.
Meanwhile, Wall Street traders were betting heavily that the continued furor over illegal immigration will eventually provide enough of a smoke screen so that they will be allowed to continue business as usual as President Obama is forced switch gears once again to fight for his political life over questions of his citizenship.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
San Bernardino, CA – When Sarah Palin was approached back in September of last year to speak at a gathering of Christian nudists who were interested in opening a nudist chapter of the Tea Party Movement, she respectfully declined, not wanting to upset her more fundamental followers and fearing a leftist media circus if she even considered it.
However, she was asked again to speak earlier this week and did an abrupt about face. Many are speculating on what exactly happened to change Sarah’s mind. Was it a new openness she’s gained through her many encounters with folks who think differently than she does? Certainly not. Everyone in her camp speaks the same language. Is she ready to dis-robe for liberty? Not likely.
No, the ever-scheming Sarah has a plan. She is doing everything she can to get Scott Brown to acknowledge her as an equal, even to the point of doing things that make her question her belief systems, such as grown-ups, when around children, should always be clothed. Sarah, like most everyone else, equates Scott Brown with nudity. How can they not? His nude centerfold from Cosmopolitan from years ago has been plastered on everything except the side of a downtown D.C. public bus.
In all fairness, a local reporter finally pinned Sarah down and asked her exactly why she’s doing it, “Well, ya know, I am a Christian first and foremost, so that was one of my considerations, and yeah, I’d be lyin’ if I didn’t tell ya Scott had something to do with this. I actually think it’ll be a hoot. I already use an old trick John McCain taught me of imagining my crowd naked when I do my regular speeches anyways, so this will just be more real. The folks who are planning the speech have assured me that no ‘male appendages’ will be in my direct line of vision when I’m looking down at the notes on my palms. I just hope ol’ Scott appreciates the lengths (no pun intended) I’m going to to get him to like me, gosh darn it.”
Monday, April 26, 2010
Dallas, TX - A new exercise craze is sweeping America by storm. It’s not Pilates, it’s not aerobics, and it’s not tai chi or any number of other workout routines already heard of. This one is based on getting up on your feet, driving the mini-van to the nearest supermarket, and cha-cha-ing your way around the store.
It's called "Cha-Cha-Ping" and all you need is a shopping cart, a sense of rhythm and a desire to shed pounds in a short period of time. Trish Fandeu actually stumbled upon the exercise quite by accident.
“There I was, seriously overweight, standing by the magazine rack reading about the latest gossip and something about some celebrity on DWTS dancing the cha-cha. A half-eaten pack of mini-chocolate glazed donuts sat in the children’s seat of my shopping cart next to the biggie-size Coke I just purchased from McDonald’s.”
“As I walked away from the magazines to do my shopping, my feet started to cha-cha. I slid the right foot out first, then the left foot, and then automatically took three small steps forward, and then again with my left foot sliding, followed by my right, and three small steps. All of a sudden I realized, I was doing a variation of the cha-cha as I pushed my cart around the store and it was a lot of fun. I spent the rest of that shopping trip with ‘one-two-cha-cha-cha’ repeating over and over in my head. I had my first work out in probably 12 years and I felt really great as I loaded my groceries into the van and headed home.”
Over the course of three and a half months, Trish continued to do her almost daily shopping to the cha-cha that sounded in her head and started to see the pounds start to drop off. “Of course,” said Trish, “when I saw that I lost 3 pounds that first week, I decided I would eat healthier and promised myself no more donuts and Coke. I switched to water and carrot sticks, or the occasional grape, as I cha-cha’d my way through the market.”
At last count, Trish has dropped 42 pounds and is down from a size 18 to a size 10. And word has gotten out. On any given day of the week, you may run into one of the many women who’ve adopted Trish’s shopping cart cha-cha routine. In fact, some stores are now posting signs welcoming “cha-cha-pers into their stores and touting the health benefits of using their carts as exercise props.
Said one happy store owner “we encourage the women to buy lots of items, in bulk, to weigh down the cart and make their workouts even more effective. So far, we’ve seen a marked increase in our bottom line due to sales of water, carrot sticks, and economy sizes of everything from laundry soap to dill pickles.”
Although cha-cha-ping through the store is essentially harmless, Trish does have these words of advice. “Only cha-cha forward, and don’t try any other ballroom dances with the cart such as the tango or the foxtrot. The carts simply do not maneuver well for those dances, believe me, I’ve tried. However, the cha-cha is a perfect match for doing your shopping. Oh, and to avoid catching someone else’s germs, always use the handi-wipes at the store entrance to sanitize the cart’s handle before beginning your cha-cha-ping.”
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Rumors are swirling in back alleys and executive washrooms about the handful of tapes that, if made public, could blow the lid off Rupert Murdoch’s hold on American politics, bringing Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and others down with him in the fallout.
The story about town is sometime late last year, a mysterious Chinese man concocted a scheme to seemingly save Murdoch’s life and in doing so, was given free access to Murdoch 24/7. The details are extremely sketchy, but the gist of the rumors is that this man was able to slip a mickey into Murdoch’s brandy after everyone had retired to their staterooms on Murdoch’s 184 ft. yacht, Rosehearty.
The supposedly close friend and confidant of Mr. Murdoch then began to secretly tape the conversation he was having with Rupert, the end result being that Murdoch quite easily spilled the beans on a number of topics he was lead to believe were private confidances. What was this man’s motive? Simply to keep Murdoch from furthering his reach into Chinese politics as he had done with American politics.
A scant few have seen the tapes, let alone listened to them, but a few stories have emerged as follows:
“Yes, yes, Paul, I was delighted to be able to get Sarah (Palin) to agree to head up the tea party rallies, but I have to tell you, she doesn’t come cheap,” he said. “She is one savvy business woman. I am spending millions on her and her entourage to travel all over the country giving her speeches. And I’ll let you in on a little secret…the ‘Going Rogue’ book? That was my idea. Pretty clever huh? I had a couple of my best writers in New York pen that puppy, and then I created all that hub-bub to make it look like she was a first class novelist. But she sure did get me fired up when she began to ask for more, more, more, using me as her private banker. ‘I want a jet, not a lousy bus. I need a new wardrobe. I want diet Dr. Pepper stocked in the limo.’ Yes sir, she’s expensive but she is effective.”
In another part of the tapes, Murdoch is supposedly led into a conversation about Glenn Beck. “That dildo,” says Murdoch, “I had to clean him up, get him sober and get him off the damn juice, but he ended up on my side of the court and now he knows he can’t even take a crap unless I say he can take a crap. I’ll let you in on a little secret. That rodeo clown thing? He hates it but I make him call himself that to keep him in line. I love watching him grovel as he goes on tape telling everyone he’s a rodeo clown. Serves him right. He was on the wrong side of the Lord for way too long and this is his penance. All I have to do is flash a few mil in his face and he’ll say and do just about anything I want for the almighty dollar. Yeah, in Beck’s case, money does the talking. He’s just the mouthpiece. If things start to calm down in this country and Obamer’s numbers start to rise again, I just get Beck to go on a tirade and its instant revolt. God I love this country.”
One wonders why Murdoch is so hell bent on tearing America apart with his partisan political clout. The answer may lie in his childhood. As a child in Church, he was told that America was the great whore of Babylon, and as his religious fervor grew, so did his desire to bring America to its knees if he was ever given the chance in order to one day build it back up into the Temple of the Lord.
But this is all just hearsay. Things coming out of smoke-filled back rooms where men whose lives are inexplicably intertwined in one way or the other with this media mogul and no one dares come forward, save for this possibly brave Chinese man who stands to make millions in his own right if he has bigger balls than the man he's trying to take down by bringing these tapes out into the open and finally exposing Rupert Murdoch as the power-hungry, political tyrant everyone supposes him to be.
Friday, April 23, 2010
New Canaan, Connecticut – Fox Television and radio personality, Glenn Beck was found wandering along Merritt Parkway close to his home in New Canaan, Connecticut early Thursday morning around 2 a.m. He was naked and confused and muttering “don’t freakin’ tread on me, don’t freakin’ tread on Glenn Beck” and was taken to the nearest hospital for observation. He was openly weeping.
No one knows for sure why Beck was on the highway. Doctors speculate that he may have been sleep walking and just decided to take a stroll along this most beautiful stretch of highway. Said Doctor Schmorgen, “it really is quite a lovely stretch of road near where Mr. Beck lives and it makes sense that he might want to get out there occasionally and experience nature, seeing as he’s cooped up inside a television and/or radio studio for so many hours in the day. The trees alone are just gorgeous this time of year. Mr. Beck is quite privileged to live in such a divine place.”
But when Beck himself was asked the reason why he was wandering along that stretch of highway at 2 a.m., he gave this account, “I was in my study, studying my script for the next show and suddenly this epiphany hit me. I realized that although I was becoming all things to all people, I just couldn’t handle the enormity of the situation. I mean, here I am, this joe schmoe from kokomo giving all kinds of advice to people, getting them riled up, trying to simmer them down, knowing that they are not only hanging on my every word but actually acting out according to what I tell them, kinda like Jesus giving his sermons and everyone doing as he said, and I just lost it.”
“I realized that I, me, Glenn Beck, the freakin’ most watched guy on television, was responsible for about 80% of what is wrong in America right now. The division, the hatred, the outward distrust of our President, are all things that I had stirred up.”
“That guy that flew that airplane into that building in Austin, he was 80% Glenn Beck in thinking. That guy who threw dollar bills at some poor schmuck on the ground with Parkinsons Disease telling him to get a job, that was 80% me throwing that money. Where were the good works of people who were listening to me? I realized there weren’t any.”
In a tortured voice, he continued, “I can’t tell you from that point on how my clothes came off, but I do remember thinking, I gotta get outta this skin, outta this lousy skin, this body that’s making me do these terrible things, and for what? The almighty dollar?
I hurried and got all my stocks and bonds, my available cash, my bank books, all our credit cards, even my gold stashes and I tried to burn every darned one of them and become like Buddha, understanding my suffering. Then I went for a walk, beating myself up and telling myself that tomorrow was going to be different and I was going to ask everyone to go back to a life of non-violence and try to get along with each other because I knew, that I, Glenn Beck, would be the only voice of reason that these people would listen to. I remember thinking, I live in New Canaan and that must be somewhere near Zion where I can give a great sermon, and that is, I guess, when I just started walking toward Mecca. Man, I musta just really cracked up, huh?”
Beck is resting comfortably with Roger Ailes by his side seeing to it that he is fully medicated so that once he regains his senses he can continue his life’s work on the Fox News network at least until his contract runs out.
His wife, meanwhile, is highly pissed that the shopping trip she had planned for this weekend in Beverly Hills will have to wait until new credit cards and checks can be issued. “Mr. Ego can just sit in that hospital and stew on this awhile,” she was reported as saying. “He wants to mess with people’s lives, let him, but he better damn well not affect my life like this again or it’s hasta I’m outta here, baby.”
Thursday, April 22, 2010
“Today, as we celebrate Earth Day, we must keep in mind all the wonderful plants and weeds that Mother Nature has provided for us for medicinal purposes, some of which are perfectly legal to use at our disposal, while others may have to wait just a tad longer to become a part of our own personal medicine chests.”
“While I don’t wish to make light of the seriousness of whether or not marijuana should be legalized in this great country of ours, I will say that I am honestly just not sure what all the buzz is about. I mean, it is a natural organic substance and can be cultivated just like lettuce or tomatoes in so many of our good citizens’ gardens. It’s not like it is being concocted in some pharmaceutical lab. It is God’s gift to man and government should have no hand in denying American citizens their God-given rights. Just ask those gun rights people about God-given rights.”
“So let me make one thing perfectly clear. Marijuana is not a bad substance and the quicker we get legislation to make it legal to grow and possess it on a personal level, the quicker we’ll get the bad guys off the streets and Mexico can go back to being a sleepy third-world country instead of thinking of new ways to get their Mexican brand of weed across the border.”
At least that’s what a bunch of my friends thought he was saying when they were all chowing down on some munchies and watching CNN News with the volume turned way down.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Los Angeles, CA – It may be too soon to speculate, but rumors have it that Kate Gosselin may just take home a Primetime Emmy this fall for her recently spectacular performance on Inside Edition where she convincingly told her interviewer that she missed being a part of her own family.
“The tears were real,” claims Shoshone Wyatt, the interviewer privileged to sit down with Kate and ask the hard questions. “Honest to God, not a drop of glycerin was used to garner that tender moment when Kate swore up and down that she truly would rather be back home with her kids in Pennsylvania than wearing expensive gowns and basking in the posh glow of Los Angeles.”
Many are asking why Kate puts up with having to work so hard to provide for her children. The long hours, the dancing, which she obviously hates (one can feel her pain with every cha-cha step she takes), and the interviews, the relentless questions, the fame, being in front of the cameras non-stop. Why does she do it? “I love my kids,” claims Kate. “Sure, I could quit it all today, sell my house, downsize, get a day job close to home, maybe even give up manicures and pedicures to cut corners, but would that make my life any better? I think we all know the answer to that question.”
So on poor Kate goes, to the next interview, the next lunch or dinner at some fabulous dining spot in Beverly Hills, all the while worrying about being away from her kids, wondering if the nannies are feeding them their mac and cheese and boloney sandwiches on time and getting them ready for bed at a decent hour. It is all so tragic, yet all so necessary.
“Yes,” says Kate, “hopefully, the harder I work, the more my kids will come to understand the sacrifices we’re all making to live a better life.” And the award goes to—Kate Gosselin.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Milwaukee, WI – A Wisconsin District Court Judge appropriately named Crabb has ruled that there will be no praying on National Prayer Day unless it is done in private. “Whether you are an atheist or a true believer, a heterosexual or a homosexual, a Republican or a Democrat, a man or a woman, you cannot pray in Wisconsin on this day,” said the ruling handed down by Crabb.
“Oh right,” said Herbert Whilmly of the local Gay and Lesbian Rights Foundation of Milwaukee, “just because we are homosexual, the Judge has to single us out. This is just so typical. We are still fighting for our rights, even when the President hands them to us on a silver platter, like he did the other day by allowing us to finally be bedside with the one we love at the hospital of our choosing. It is just so typical.”
Rights in America these days it seems are something Americans want and when they are handed them, seem to be lacking just the specificity expected by the groups wanting them. It’s kinda like the lovely carnelian red couch you’ve been jonesing for for months finally arrives and it turns out to be burgundy. There is just something missing.
“We were planning on praying on National Prayer Day,” said Stacey Williams of neighboring Minnesota, “but now with Wisconsin’s ruling, we aren’t sure if we can get together or not. The government seems to have their hand in everything these days. I just hope we’re still allowed to pray on Sunday, cause I really like praying, you know?”
Monday, April 5, 2010
For the first time in Roman Catholic history, Easter Mass was not about Jesus’ resurrection but about the Pope being a great leader of the Catholic Church in spite of many claims of sexual abuse by priests all over the world and the Pope’s inefficient handling of the scandal.
Said one cardinal, “sometimes it’s about more than Jesus. It’s about how the Church can handle a scandal and this Pope is doing a great job of it.” People there to hear a message of how Jesus died on the cross for their sins, were first treated to cries of “Benny, Benny, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can.”
Said one of the faithful in attendance, “thank goodness we have clergy who can turn the bleak into the positive and get us believing in the Church again. Finally, a day where we weren’t reminded of how awfully some of our priests have behaved towards the young, but how great our Pope is and how much we owe to his ability to keep the Church from falling into disharmony. Long live Pope Benedict!”
The cardinals in attendance were in agreement. “Easter could not have come at a better time, when people are in the mood to forgive just like Jesus died to have our sins forgiven. Absolutely perfect, perfect timing,” said one.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Washington, DC – President Obama announced today that he is ready to open up some drilling off the coasts of the United States.
However, Alaska’s Bristol Bay, named after Palin’s daughter, Bristol (hah, just making that part up), won’t be part of the plan, nor will other new areas of Alaska’s northern coastline be opened up for future drilling.
Said an Obama spokesperson, “Plain and simple, don’t piss off Obama. He is the President with presidential powers. Whoever doesn’t get that message is going to be in for quite a rude awakening.”
In other presidential news, President Obama has decided to close the Grand Canyon National Park until further notice due to his distaste for Sen. John McCain buddying up to “that Palin woman.”
Obama’s strategy seems to be that if he chokes the lifeblood out of the states that Palin is associated with, the people will finally relent and call for Sarah Palin to stand down.
Seems Mr. Obama was listening pretty well the day his momma told him, “son, don’t get mad, get even.”
Friday, April 2, 2010
A large group of German, American and Irish former altar boys, who have become rich by settling their long-standing claims of sexual abuse by members of the Catholic Church clergy, have pooled their money and asked the World Bank to back them in a bid to buy the Catholic Church.
Going by the name of GAI, the group claims, among other things, that if it were not for the abuse suffered at the hands of their beloved priests while in their formative sexual years, they would not have turned out the way they are now, i.e. most are closeted homosexuals fearful of going out into public and further spreading their gayness to other males.
The members of GAI truly believe they have been cursed with an affliction not unlike that of the lepers. They believe that if they buy the Church, keep it closed only to existing homosexuals, and not allow any new altar boys to become victims of Catholic clergy members who are lying in wait to prey on them, then the generational cycle of abuse will finally end. The existing pedophiles will simply have to make do with their circumstances and the abhorrent priests will eventually be left to feed off each other until they finally perish or go blind, whichever comes first.
Said one GAI member, “although we cannot save ourselves, we plan on cutting off the priests’ never-ending supply of fresh boys forever in an effort to put an end to this centuries-old cycle of abuse. Only then can the Catholic Church get back to the business of selling religion to the masses. It may take a few generations to get the Church back in working order. In the meantime, parishioners will have to find some other religion to fill their needs. Perhaps the Episcopalians would be generous enough to take them into their fold.”
Said one high-ranking American Catholic cardinal from Wisconsin when told of this plan, “We do not know what to make of this. I mean, what in the world could have made them think this? Sure, having a homosexual experience at an early age may confuse a young boy. I know in my case, I was extremely confused. But to say that it is an affliction? I don’t feel afflicted. Maybe conflicted, but certainly not afflicted.”
Thursday, April 1, 2010
In what was hailed as a landmark decision, the US District Court for the Central District of California, Los Angeles, decided in the case of Shatner vs. Buttick, that the use of satire is a form of assault that can cause immeasurable harm to an entertainer’s psyche, and as such, satirists can now be sued not only for libel but assault as well.
The original lawsuit was filed by William Shatner against Zefron Buttick in Los Angeles Superior Court way back in 2004 when Shatner suffered extreme embarrassment and loss of employment due to Buttick’s series of stories attacking Shatner for everything from being a homosexual to accusing him of stealing other people’s writings for his spoken word albums. All of it was done under the guise of satire.
Celebrities in Los Angeles and all over the country were said to be elated with the ruling. Said Ricky Martin, “this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My only regret is that I should have waited to ward off the onslaught of negative press about my coming out instead of opting for going public and taking my knocks.”
Some celebrities, however, were upset to hear the news. Film star, Pauly Shore, is threatening to file his own lawsuit to have the Shatner suit overturned. Said Shore, “I’ve tried everything, including making a movie where I fake my own death, and nothing gets a rise out of anyone. With this recent ruling, I may as well just fake my own death again, cause this is sure to put the final nail in the coffin that houses my career.”
Meanwhile, satirists nationwide are scheduling meetings with their attorneys to figure out what they can do to side-step this ruling. Many are so used to making fun of things that they are satirizing the very Judges who ruled on the case, which might not be such a smart move in the grand scheme of things.