Sunday, January 31, 2010

Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering

Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of his own…against his intended victim and a few of the employees over at the Essex County Jail as a result of what he calls "a series of events that caused him to suffer permanent physical and psychological damages.”

Marzetti says Fuctwidder came close to blinding him when she sprayed cheap, smelly perfume in his face to get him to stop assaulting her behind the Snooker Inn in Sayreville, NJ last November. That’s not all. Debilitated and disoriented from the spray, Marzetti crashed headfirst into a dumpster and passed out. When he came to, he was in a holding cell at the Essex County Jail surrounded by 3 very large fellow offenders who were in the process of readying themselves to take advantage of Marzetti as jailers looked on.

Evidently, the scent that Fuctwidder sprayed on Marzetti set off some pretty strong sexual feelings in Marzetti’s fellow cellmates and by the time he was able to fight them off, he had suffered horrible pain not to mention incredible embarrassment.

“Jesus,” he said. I was brought into the station smelling like a French whore and the damned police threw me into the cell thinking what? That the smell would be offensive to my fellow inmates? Right, it set off a fuc*ing midnight rendezvous is what it did.”

When reached to comment about the lawsuit, Donna wouldn’t say much except to explain why she used spray perfume and not pepper spray to fend off her attacker. “I was out with a couple of friends that night to shoot some pool and have a few beers. I always carry my Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray with me when I go out with the girls cause you never know who you’ll meet.

Anyway, Handsome and me had just finished dancing to Bon Jovi’s ‘Wanted Dead or Alive,’ and he asked me to go out back with him and have a smoke. He seemed nice enough so I said ok. Next thing I know, he’s pushing me down and jumping on top of me. I had my bag with me and tried to hit him with it but it just made him madder so I pretended to give in while I felt around in my purse for the only spray I had, that Musk perfume. Man, I sprayed the fuc* outta him.”

When asked what went through her mind when she found out that Handsome was taking her to court on pain and suffering charges, she just laughed. “What did I think? I’ll tell you what I thought. I thought good for me, let Sir Humpalot try and sue me. Every woman should carry around a bottle of Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray in her bag, ya know? Handsome got what he deserved and no court in hell is gonna take his side in no stupid lawsuit. And that’s all I gotta say. I’m late goin’ to meet the girls at the Snook.”

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Sarah Palin Wants in on ‘Jesus Rifle’ Action

Upon hearing that Michigan defense contractor, Trijicon, has been supplying the US military with rifle sights inscribed with New Testament Bible passage references on them, Sarah Palin immediately called the company’s headquarter offices to try and pull some strings to get a few of the rifle sights for her own hunting rifles.

Trijicon’s public relations manager hinted that Palin called their corporate offices not long after reading this story on and asked if she could get in on the action. “She was like ‘sure, so doya think I might get me some of them rifle sights that you all are making for our troops in Iraq?’” She reportedly offered free signed copies of her book Going Rogue to sweeten the pot.

Never mind that many high-ranking members of the military believe that knowingly using rifle scopes that are engraved with coded references to Bible verses is not only inappropriate but also considered a direct violation of federal laws that call for separation of church and state, constitutional issues have never really been high on Sarah Palin’s list of things to be worried about.

The particular verse reference Sarah was initially interesting in having engraved on her rifle scopes is the ever popular John 11:25-26, which reads, "I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die."

We can only assume that in a military sense, this would refer to the US soldiers who are doing the killing in the name of freedom and not the Iraqi and Afghani insurgents and any other Islamics being shot, who, we've been led to believe by Pat Robertson, do not fall under the realm of protection afforded by Christian Bible verses.

But, since the above verse has little to do with hunting bear and other critters in the Alaskan wilderness, Trijicon redirected Sarah’s sights (no pun intended) on one of the most quoted verses of the Bible when hunters are taken to task for hunting, i.e. Genesis 1:28 which reads in part: “…and God said unto them…have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

Here’s the big whoops!, though. Seems if those holy hunters would have held off long enough on the jubilation over God giving them the green light to kill critters and read just one more verse, Genesis 1:29, which states, “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat,” they’d have literally had a cow. Seems, in the beginning, God had intended for us to be…gasp…vegans!

Dang, right there is proof that God has quite the sense of humor, “… the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away…” Job 1:21.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Kate Gosselin: The Taming of the Shrewd

The long-awaited news has finally arrived. TLC has just announced the name and format for Kate’s solo show, sans Jon and Kids. The show is tentatively named Kate: TheTaming of the Shrewd, and it features Kate each week being employed by B through D-rated reality stars, who give Kate some much needed lessons in humility by assigning her various odd jobs to perform.

Our sources tell us that Kate’s been spotted on location around town taking on the tasks that will become part of her new show.

In the first episode, TLC has Kate cleaning the kitchen of quick-tempered TV Chef personality, Gordon Ramsay. With Kate doing the cleaning, Ramsay is expected to give a dinner party where all his guests will be able to eat off the floor! But will Kate even make it to the mopping with Ramsay breathing down her neck, or will her servitude end early with a repeat of Ramsay’s famous “pig” comment?

Other episodes slated will include:

Kate babysitting Nadya Suleman’s (Octomom) 14 children—Who better to handle a full brood of youngsters than the original Octomom? Will coping with 6 additional children send Kate over the edge? Will it throw off her rhythm? Will Nadya flip out when the time comes to actually relinquish control of her kids to someone else? Or will Kate and Nadya bond long enough for Kate to get some much needed tips from Nadya on how to set up a website to accept donations for over-sized families?

Cleaning out Rachel Zoe’s shoe closet—This one might just prove to be the most fun to watch as we take bets on whose OCD wins out on this battle of the wills. While Kate is just starting to amass a large shoe collection, she has no idea of the hundreds of pairs she’ll be dealing with in Zoe’s closet. And to add to the fun, TLC folks have taken some shoes out of the boxes and left some in, leaving Kate to decide if all the shoes should be boxed or unboxed. We have a feeling that she’ll find out soon enough from Rachel.

Walking Gretchen and Danny Bonaduce’s dogs—It’s payback time for the Gosselin puppies who didn’t have a chance on Jon and Kate Plus 8. In the new show, we’ll see how long it takes Kate to try and convince the Bonaduces’ breeder to take their dogs back after a few rounds of scooping poop.

As with Gosselin’s previous reality series, Kate: TheTaming of the Shrewd is expected to pull in huge viewing audiences that want to see Kate succeed as a working mother and cheer her on even while she may be cleaning some D-list actor’s toilet. And it will also have folks watching just to see Kate get a little comeuppance and, as they say, “put her back in her place.”

It should be a rollicking fun time for all and another major TLC hit.

To make things a little more interesting on this show, TLC is asking Kate’s fans to write in and let them know who they’d like to see Kate serving and what they’d like to see her do. According to TLC, “the wackier, the better.” So if you have any ideas, now is the time, because they’ll only be taking viewer suggestions until March 15, 2010. And please, TLC asks that you “keep it clean” for Kate’s sake.

Best of luck, Kate!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Chimpanzee Learning to Surf Web on Own Laptop

Charlie, a chimpanzee owned by animal psychologist, Mary Lively, celebrated his 6th birthday by sending text messages on his very own laptop computer. The computer was specially designed for Charlie by Apeco Technologies at the urging of Lively, when she noticed that Charlie took an unusual interest in her computer while she did research.

Expanding on already established research done at Ohio State University where chimpanzees have been learning to read for years, Lively wanted to take it one step further and develop a tool to see whether or not a chimpanzee can first learn syntax (the stringing together of words to form a complete thought) and then be able to use that knowledge to surf the web and send text messages. “So far, we are quite encouraged,” said Lively.

The specially-designed computer is set up to automatically show words to pictures that Charlie selects on the screen in order to allow him to form simple sentences. For instance, if Charlie selected pictures of a reaching hand, a banana, and a mouth, the simple sentence would say “I would like a banana to eat.”

Charlie can then take the sentence, hit the special highlighting button, and then hit the specific “Send to Mary” button and his request will automatically send to Lively’s computer. “The learning curve is huge,” said Lively, “but little by little, we are confident that Charlie will find his voice.”

One anomaly that Lively finds potentially disturbing is that Charlie’s inbox has been receiving quite a few spam messages urging him to log onto sites of a pornographic nature. “It’s become routine for me to have to go into Charlie’s laptop several times a day and check to make sure that Charlie isn’t exposed to any media, especially explicit photos, that would confuse Charlie and compromise the progress he is making," said Lively. "We are already seeing him using new, inappropriate signs, like balling up his hands into fists, holding them at each side and thrusting his pelvis in a 'to and fro' manner, which is highly suggestive."

Although many of the messages from Charlie that land in Lively’s inbox are not yet easily understood by Lively, such as “touch to chest woman,” and “unlock mother control no child,” Lively truly believes Charlie is communicating with her and is hopeful that before long, they will be able to communicate as easily as anyone else. “When that day comes,” says Lively, “we’re going to set Charlie up with his very own Facebook page.”

Monday, January 25, 2010

Virgin Mary Likeness Found in Mexican Meth Lab Stain

Unconfirmed reports out of Mexico are claiming that a stain on a bench in a meth lab located in the small town of Arre Pentido bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Villagers have flocked to the meth lab to view the image for themselves and to pray for miracles. Lines have formed with people bearing candles, flowers and statues of the Virgin Mary to place at the site of the image.

It is believed that the first miracle has already shown itself in the fact that the person who first witnessed the image, a man working alone at the time, reportedly fell to his knees as if in a trance and began praying just before he set about smashing all of the equipment in the lab, vowing to return to a life without crime.

Jesús (pronounced Hezus) Carpintero, the 23-year old worker at the lab when the alleged stain appeared, spoke from his jail cell about the discovery and what led to his arrest. In rapid speech, Jesús recounted his story. “I thought I was just getting high from the fumes when I saw the virgin in the stain,” he said, “but the more I looked at it, the more it started to look like her and then it seemed as if she spoke to me. She called me Jesús, which really freaked me out, you know? Because my name is Jesús and she said Jesús, lay down the drugs and give your life to Christ, which really freaked me out because, like it was like Jesús giving his life to Jesús, you know? And that’s when I passed out.”

When asked what else he remembered, Jesús recalled, “when I came to, the stain was still there and there were all these people trying to crawl over me and get to the stain to place candles at the site and to pray, and the police were handcuffing me and I realized that I had smashed everything in the place, and destroyed the meth lab and I was sore afraid of my boss finding out, but all I can remember at that point was trying to figure out if I was Jesús or if Jesús was me.”

Then, Jesús looked away for a minute and when he spoke again, the glow about him was diminished and he sounded more like the common criminal most knew him as. Realizing that he was being held for criminal activities, he continued cautiously. “I will never forget what I think I saw, although I cannot remember much more than that now, and even now, I’m not sure if I even was in a meth lab or just in my bedroom when the police mistook me for some guy who makes meth. But now I’m pretty sure this all is a big mistake,” he said before refusing to speak to anyone else about his ordeal.

Each day, the devoted return to visit the stain. They remove the boards that have been placed over the doors and windows of the meth lab shack so that they may gain entry into the proclaimed holy site. When told of the supposed miracle, Padre Filipe Iguales Calderon, the village priest, crossed himself, and pointed to a half dozen other known meth labs in the village and said, “Come see me as well, Blessed Mother; let me show you around my country, err town.”

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Health Alert: Counterfeit Chinese Condoms Recalled

After reading this story, there will be true dilemmas playing out all over America--in bedrooms, on living room couches, in the back seat of daddy’s sedan or Tiger Woods’ Escalade—do I or don’t I take a chance with that pack of rubbers I just bought in bulk at Sam’s Club and the Dollar Store?

That’s right, yet another “Made in China” product has copulators all over America scrambling to their nearest Rx Center for more expensive, less lethal prophylactics that will hopefully keep them one step away from parenthood or worse (do we really need to go there?), and the customs agents who scored a few thousand condoms for their personal stash scrambling to health clinics under assumed names.

But don’t be quick to thank the U.S. Customs agents for vigilance in discovering the counterfeit condoms that until recently have been gracing shelves in Texas, New York and Virginia. No sir, that would mean that our system works. Rather, thank Chinese authorities themselves for spreading the word (among other things) about condoms produced in the Hunan Province since last March--yes, if junior or princess was a Christmas baby, you may just have the Red Star Condom Manufacturers of China to thank.

Although it’s reported that the defective condoms have been pulled from shelves by U.S. government agents, it’s a pretty sure bet that not only folks who bought in bulk, but also those out–of-the-way truck stops that don’t see the volume of traffic at their restroom condom machines as the more mainstream ones still have the counterfeit defective condoms laying around.

Therefore, everyone in America is asked to heed this warning issued by the Chinese Government: If you have condoms that say 法國備忘錄 which is loosely translated to “French that the tickle does,” or 取笑為樂趣 “so sure that rib to please you,” do not use them. They are defective and potentially dangerous to use due to the fact that they’ve been lubricated with ordinary vegetable oil and not the standard, less dangerous, “virgin” olive oil.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Supreme Court Ruling Has Far-reaching Effect on Summer Television Programming

The major television stations, i.e. Fox, CBS, NBC and ABC have all announced plans to drastically cut regular programming beginning in July of this year in order to make room for the onslaught of corporate-backed political advertising set to gain full steam around that time. The networks are reportedly taking early bids for prime-time air time from such corporations as AT&T, BlueCross/Blue Shield, Pfizer, Bank of America, AIG, and others in order to accommodate corporate America’s plans to take advantage of the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing them to spend unfettered amounts of advertising dollars to ensure senators of their choice will be placed in office come November.

In addition to not being able to catch up on re-runs of their favorite shows this summer, television viewers will also have to wait until later in November for the beginning of the new fall season, an event that normally would begin in September. That includes Super Saturday Spectacular previews for children as well. For this year, at least, political advertisements will air right alongside ads for the latest GI Joe and Barbie offerings, but new episodes of Dora the Explorer and Spongebob are going to have to wait until sometime in December.

Those who get their news from network television stations are also going to find that their regularly scheduled morning, afternoon and evening news shows, both nationally and locally-produced, will be pre-empted in order to allow enough time for all the ads to air. Said one network executive, “we’re going to do what we can to accommodate all the advertisers, but even with taking all the news shows and other entertainment off the air for a good portion of the year won’t be enough to allow everyone a shot at some advertising time. In order for us to give at least a small portion of the ad time to the candidates themselves, groups such as the AFL-CIO, Public Service Organizations and other groups with less of an advertising budget will more than likely get shut out this season and we regret this to some extent.”

Asked why all the programming has to go and whether or not the networks are worried that cowtowing to corporate interests above those of the American viewing public may backfire, one executive had this to say, “First of all, it doesn’t have to go, but when looking at our bottom line, we realized that it would be inherently more lucrative to offer up what airtime we have to advertising dollars, rather than fill the time with mindless entertainment. And, in case you haven’t noticed,” he continued, “we are owned by corporate America, and it is becoming increasingly evident that when corporate America speaks, we all need to sit down and listen.” Maybe so. It just won’t be in front of our favorite shows this coming summer and fall.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Texas Spring Water Company Offers Miracle Water Diet

Thirty-five years ago, you wouldn’t have been able to tell Joe P. Freely that he’d someday get rich selling bottled water, but today, it’s money that’s flowing from Freely’s diet spring water business in Big Spring, Texas. “Your Nation Natural Diet Water” is the fastest selling diet water in the southwest. In fact, it’s selling so fast that Freely can’t keep it on shelves. “We are flush with success,” says Freely. It doesn’t hurt business either that Your Nation Natural Diet Water comes with a free dispenser fashioned after the cute cherub fountains found in Italy (see photo). You can choose from a variety of colors to fit your home or office décor.

“This ain’t just any spring water,” claims Joe. “Making Your Nation a part of a sensible diet plan is the only way to lose weight quickly and effectively. We guarantee it or your money back.” Joe goes on to say that all one needs to do is drink 8-8oz. bottles of his water a day, along with a sensible diet, and he guarantees the pounds will fall away. Your Nation is a bit more expensive than regular water, but it has to be claims Freely. “People didn’t get fat by not spending their hard earned money on fast food, and they aren’t gonna get skinny by drinking tap water. They need a special water to help them do that and Your Nation is the key to that success.”

Joe wouldn’t let us in on why he believes his water is different, but when asked, he did show us before and after pictures of some of his clients. Take Cindy C. from Elsinore, TX. Your Nation has been a part of her diet plan now for 2 years and she has gone from a size 22 dress to a size 2 and looks like a million bucks. Her testimony says volumes. “Within two hours of my first taste of Your Nation, I knew I was hooked. I’ve been drinking Your Nation regularly now for going on two years and love the taste. It is so refreshing, and along with a sensible diet, if I feel like eating, which I normally don’t after drinking Your Nation, I have been able to shed the pounds effortlessly.”

Freely’s list of satisfied customers goes on and on and reads like a Texas list of Who’s Who. We agreed not to give out any names but we can tell you that a certain Desperate Housewife from Texas is a regular customer of Your Nation, along with a few other notoriously thin actresses. In fact, if an actress is thin and from the southwest, two to one she’s been on the Your Nation diet at some time in her life.

Your Nation cannot be found in stores. The only place you can get it is through word of mouth. So next time you are in Big Springs, Texas, be sure to ask someone if they know where you can get hold of some Your Nation so you can get started on a diet plan that will have you losing pounds effortlessly with every bottle of water you drink.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

All White-All American Sports Venues Outlaw Ethnic Snacks

With the advent of all white, American-only teams in the near future, many sports venues have followed suit by removing any snacks that originated in any country other than America. That means, hamburgers, originally from Hamburg, Germany and hot dogs, or frankfurters, originally from Frankfurt, Germany, will no longer be served. Nachos, a Mexican treat, and, of course, pizza, an Italian staple, will also not find their way onto the snack menu.

French fries, no explanation needed there, and funnel cakes are considered foreign as well. Although the latter is thought to be an original treat from Pennsylvania, upon closer look it is actually Pennsylvania Dutch. Under the new rules, even snacks that are partially from America will not be considered for the menu.

The new menu changes have a few fans bewildered. In the case of the funnel cake deletion, one fan had this to say “what the hell do I care? I don’t think a sissy snack like funnel cake belongs on the menu at a sporting event anyways.”

So what does that leave? Well, there’s always peanuts, cracker jacks, potato chips, Coke and beer, albeit only American-made brews like Budweiser and Miller will be served. If you want Heineken or Corona, you’ll have to smuggle it into the park. Oh, and there will still be Buffalo wings, but you’ll have to forego the Bleu cheese dressing (French) and the carrot and celery sticks unless it can be proven that the veggies have been grown in American soil. And the ever popular Philly Cheesesteak can stay, provided it is made with American and not provolone or mozzarella cheese.

But don’t fret, rumor has it that the sandwich they plan on switching out for the hot dog is American as apple pie. Yep, you guessed it, Spam and American cheese on White Bread will be on the menu of every white venue across the land. The “Spamerican” sandwich, while wholly inedible, is expected to sell like hot cakes, which is ok because we’re pretty sure that hot cakes aren’t foreign either.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

All White Basketball Teams Coming to a Southern Town Near You

Sometimes a story comes along that contains such overtly racist remarks that are so darned over the top that to try and rewrite it to fit within a satirical framework would do a great injustice to the story itself. This is such a story. Every name, every quote is real, and I repeat, this is not Satire. However, I also want to point out that as racist as this story comes across, it appears to be a sad attempt by a sad boxing promoter to grab some attention for his flagging basketball franchise business at the expense of black basketball players everywhere.

The story comes to us from Augusta, Georgia and the caption reads “Basketball league for white Americans targets Augusta.” Now in all fairness, before I go on, let me just say that Augusta Mayor, Deke Copenhaver, is not behind this idea and finds it absurd. Nevertheless, here’s what was proposed to Augusta by a group that calls itself the “All American Basketball Alliance.

I’m just going to let the quotes speak for themselves:

According to Don “Moose” Lewis, commissioner of the All American Basketball Alliance, they plan on starting their inaugural season in June and Lewis is hoping Augusta will be one of the 12 inaugural teams. Said Lewis: “Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."

Claiming the move is not racist, Moose went on to state: "There's nothing hatred about what we're doing," he said. "I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like." Lewis said he wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of "street-ball" played by "people of color."

"Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" he (head redneck) said. "That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction."

Although Lewis hasn’t yet found a city willing to buy one of his franchises for $10,000 (thank goodness), he is optimistic. "People will come out and support a product they can identify with. I'm the spoken minority right now, but if people will give us a chance, it'll work... The white game of basketball, which is essentially a fundamental game, works."

There’s only one way to finish up this article and that’s by stating the obvious, that Don “Moose” Lewis has more than a couple of screws loose. Oh, and for good measure, let’s throw in a complimentary redneck joke:

You know you’re a redneck if you think starting an all white, all American basketball league is an idea whose time has come no matter how many black boxers you manage.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas - Tween Postings


What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Nick Jonas? Tiger Woods was married when he “dated” all those other girls. Nick Jonas on the other hand, is quickly approaching Woods as one of the most prolific daters on the Hollywood scene and he seems to prefer Disney dolls to Nickelodeon hotties, although he hasn’t ruled the latter out.

Said Jonas’ manager, “he’s dated so many Disney stars that I just gave up trying to count them. The gossip-istas have him dating Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Jordan Pruitt and a couple others, but those are the stars. Hell, it’s not uncommon to see Jonas making time with the girl that gets him coffee in the morning or any one of the producers’ teen daughters that accompany their parents onto the sets. He may look innocent enough, but man is he a horn dog.” Sources tell us that even a severe talking to by Billy Ray Cyrus last year wasn’t enough to keep Jonas from trying to “board the Bonetown Express” as he put it, on a daily basis.


All over the world, Tweens and Teens alike are clutching their Hannah Montana throw pillows and sobbing uncontrollably that their favorite television personality, Hannah Montana, is gearing up to shoot the last season of the Hannah Montana show.

According to a spokesperson for Disney Channel Worldwide, “the last episode will be bittersweet as we say good-bye to our little Miss Montana.” But one has to wonder if Disney’s explanation that “Miley just wants to grow up and move on,” is the real reason execs have decided to pull the plug on one of the hottest Tween shows to hit the airwaves since “Saved By the Bell.”

Well, we’ve been talking to a few of Cyrus’ friends behind the scenes and a completely different story is emerging as to why Hannah Montana is leaving the airwaves. Seems Cyrus is not the “teen role model” the Disney Channel first saw in her and in fact, she’s become quite the vamp. Disney wants to cut and run before that “inevitable biggest scandal of all hits” and destroys what credibility the show has left. “Sure, they were loving her when she’s all sweet and innocent, but man o’ man, did the s**t hit the fan when they found me and Miley out in the back lot getting it on,” said an undisclosed band member Miley met this past summer. “They did everything but turn the hose on us,” he said.

Said one Disney executive, on the condition of anonymity, “Look, everyone grows up. In the case of Miley Cyrus, she just grew up too fast and we were starting to think that in another season or two, we’d be faced with fans laughing at us for having a show about the youngest ‘cougar’ to ever grace the Disney airwaves.”

Oh what will those little school boys do now without their Miley strutting her stuff on screen in those cute little parochial get ups? Well, fear not, a little unknown by the name of Bridgit Mendler is set to take the next Disney wave to stardom in a new show titled “Good Luck Charlie,” a sitcom that has adorable Mendler playing the part of a big sister in charge of helping raise her youngest brother, Charlie.

So take heart all you adolescents. Tween desire is alive and well at Disney, just don’t get too used to watching Mendler for any more than two or three seasons, because she’s already 17, and by next year, well, she’ll be legal age, and that means more possible headaches for Disney as their “Teen Stars Go Wild” luck is bound to continue.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Senator Introduces Bill to Name February 29 National Barack Obama Day

In a move to recognize the strides America has made in electing its first African American to the highest public office in the land, Senator Shirley Wynott (D-Id) has introduced a bill that would make every February 29 “National Barack Obama Day.”

Never in the history of the United States has a standing President been honored in such a way by having a day named after him while still living and while still in office. In introducing the legislation, Ms. Wynott stated that she got the idea after hearing that President Obama was the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize last year. “At that moment, I realized that next to Martin Luther King, Jr., Barack Obama was one of the most influential and significant black leaders of our time and believed that there was no reason to wait for his death to honor him with his own national holiday. If he could get the Nobel Peace Prize while sending troops to two wars, why couldn’t he be honored with his own national holiday just on the things he has accomplished so far?”

But why February 29? It only comes once every 4 years. Ms. Wynott indicated that she first wanted to honor Obama on the anniversary of the date he became President, January 20, 2009; however, “it was just too close to Mr. King’s memorial date of the third Monday of January. Having National Barack Obama Day on the 3rd Tuesday of every January would just be overkill, and would likely spell doom for the proposed holiday.”

So, instead of having two African American holidays back-to-back in January plus a whole other month dedicated to black history, Ms. Wynott chose a compromise. “February is National Black History Month in America. February 29 occurs only once every 4 years. To appease those who may not agree with giving Obama his own national holiday while in office, I decided they might at least allow it every so often, and what better way to celebrate the end of Black History Month?”

Ms. Wynott’s proposal so far has met with fierce opposition from members of both parties in Congress. Said one Senator, who vehemently opposes the legislation, “we already celebrate two presidents in February, Washington and Lincoln. Why the hell do we need to keep adding names? Enough is enough already.” In addition, Rush Limbaugh has dedicated the entire month of January and February to up his tirades against Obama so that if a vote is scheduled in the near future, it will be readily shot down and rightly so, in his opinion. Said Rush, “hrumph, hrumph, rumph, rumphty, rumphty, rumphty, rumph, Obama, rumphty, rumph.”

Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Game Change Exchanges No One is Talking About

A thoroughly entertaining book, The Game Change, has brought to light some “wish we hadn’t said that” moments from almost everyone associated with the 2008 Presidential campaign scene. So I just couldn’t wait to get my hands on a copy to see for myself what all the hubbub was about, especially when I heard that Harry Reid, the gosh-darn nicest, I-don’t-have-a-racial-bone-in-my-body kinda guy is credited with the now infamous line spoken when he was trying to make the case that the country was ready for a black presidential candidate…and referred to Obama as a “light-skinned African American with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one. ”

And that was just the tip of the iceberg. Why even Bill Clinton “Mr. Harlem 2002” has been credited with some off-color comments such as suggesting to Teddy Kennedy that a scant few years ago, Mr. Obama would have been getting him coffee. “I’ll take mine black, please.”

After reading between the lines, I was able to find these quotes that were somehow missed by mainstream media in their haste to get the word out on the street as quickly as possible as to just how petty, stupid, moronic, egotistic, and yes, overtly racist most people associated with our government truly are when they think no one is watching:

During a stop for a Memorial Day picnic in Waterloo, Kansas, John McCain was said to be having a rare hissy fit due to a menu change that he did not approve. According to his campaign manager, it was decided that from Memorial Day forward, there would be no eating of watermelon at any of the picnics John attended. “John loved watermelon,” his publicist is quoted as saying, “but they wouldn’t let him have any because on the off chance that his photo would have been snapped with a big slice of watermelon in his hands, it would look like he was trying to parody Obama.”

The Obama campaign was having racial issues of its own when, during the time that the media was busy snapping pictures and making up mean things to say about Sarah Palin being dressed in designer duds, one of Obama’s top advisers made this comment: “they (the media) should be less concerned with Palin wearing Valentino and more concerned about those ‘tighty-whiteys’ John McCain is obviously sporting beneath his seersucker suits,” off-handedly referring to the overt whiteness of McCain’s campaign.

In addition, a source close to Congressman Jefferson “Jeff” Beauregard Sessions III (R-Al)( I am not making this name up), states that Jeff was having a particularly hard time wrapping his head around the fact that there was a good chance that a man of color with a name like Islam had a chance of making it all the way to the White House that he let slip his thoughts to no one in particular, “I’ll tell you right now, if you think that we are going to let this go much further, then you haven’t seen what we are really like when we go into high gear. We’ll be all over the Obama campaign like ‘white on rice.’” Unfortunately, no one knows who “we” are but we (that’s me) have a pretty good idea.

And finally, there was a statement that beat them all when Sarah Palin was caught early one morning chatting with the official McCain campaign laundress: “Hi, Josephine, can I call you Josie? I just wanna know there, how do you get the whites so white and the coloreds so darned bright?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Chinese Refer to Americans as Their “Dollar Store Bitches”

In a newly released book by Chinese-American Author, Pe Yuan Yu-Smith, titled “You Buy More Yankee, OK?” Americans are finally being made privy to some of the lesser known facts about the tenuous economic relationship between China and the United States.

Although his title is considered a lighthearted attempt to poke fun at some of the things the Chinese have been known to think and say about American consumers, in fact, the book discusses a darker side of how China, over the past several decades, has become the leader in supplying America with some of the most dangerous and useless products in our lifetime. And how they plan to continue doing so until 100% of every item in the American home bears the mark “Made in China.”

Getting much of his information in the back storerooms of some of China’s biggest export corporations, Yu-Smith gives us a never-before-allowed look into how Chinese manufacturers and exporters plan to eventually bring America to its Imperialistic knees through what they call, “market-cide.” Wei Hung Lo, a young Chinese man set to take the reins of the family export business, and who has a good command of the American hip-hop language, put it like this, “Americans are our Dollar Store Bitches, Y’all.” One would almost have to agree with him judging from the great holiday season dollar stores around the country had while other leading department stores suffered.

Long’s father Wei Tu Lo, has a less crude, but nonetheless equally sardonic view toward his American customers. In traditional Chinese, he explains to Yu-Smith, 我們採取愚笨的美國人的美元,因為太愚笨的美國人以至于不能知道質量。 我們有中國內閣在我們的數以萬計的家庭几年,並且不買新。 美国人買新的內閣,如果出发抓痕或腿秋天,因此我們做便宜的內閣打破容易。 美國購買更多內閣和我們得到更多金錢
Which loosely translates to: “We take stupid American’s dollar because American too stupid to know quality. We have Chinese cabinets in our family for thousands of years and do not buy new. Americans buy new cabinet if get scratch or leg fall off, so we make cheap cabinet to break easy. American buy more cabinet and we get more money.”

A chapter in Yu-Smith’s book gives us some insight into the young entrepreneurial spirit of Hung Lo, who just recently opened up a chain of low-priced, low quality hip-hop clothing stores up and down the East Coast called “Gangster Sh’up” offering throw-away clothing for a cheap price. Said Hung Lo, “we bring the sweat shop to every Gangsta Sh’up with our exclusive polyester sweat suits in every design, from Chinese wealth and greed symbols, to big-ass $$ signs in gold.”

Agreeing with his father, he states, “Everything we do relates back to money. We have found Americans to be very wasteful when it comes to buying goods and we are just one of many hundreds of companies in China taking advantage of their greed and ignorance.”

Yu-Smith takes an especially close look at the controversy surrounding countless cases of children’s play things from China found to be made with toxic substances, but still stocking the shelves of various discount dollar stores throughout America. Yu-Smith was unable to get any Chinese manufacturers to open up and tell whether or not they know the products are potentially harmful. However, he was able to ascertain that a consortium of Chinese manufacturers and importers calling itself the Shanghai Legal Alliance of Manufacturers or SLAM, has been formed to pool substantial amounts of money in an effort to offset the eventual tide of international lawsuits that these Chinese companies believe are inevitable.

In summation, Yu-Smith states, “China realized a long time ago that their strengths lie not in superior technological knowledge, but in the ability to produce mounds of cheap plastic crap that Americans seem to crave, as well as copy-cat products with such a high degree of authenticity that most gullible Americans are willing to spend money on knock-offs in the off chance that they can actually fool their friends into thinking that they are sporting a real Rolex or clutching the latest Micheal Kors creation.”

Friday, January 15, 2010

THIS JUST IN--President Obama Brings Tyra Banks to Tears

Tyra Banks demanded an apology from President Obama today for the hurt and shame he caused her when he declared publicly “Listen up Banks, the American people want their money back.” Banks was watching Fox News when she heard the President say, “My commitment is to recover every single dime the American people are owed by Banks.”

“What money?” cried a tearful Banks. “I don’t owe any money to the American people. Why would the President say such a thing and why is he going to tax me for money I don’t owe?” It was later cleared up when Obama personally called Tyra Banks and explained that it was the big banks that received a taxpayer handout last year, and not her, personally, he was chastising.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

University of Alabama Alumni Seek Nickname Change from ‘Bama to ‘Bamma

A Petition has been circulating among Alumni of the University of Alabama to change the popular ‘Bama nickname to ‘Bamma due to conflicts that are arising from having a President named Obama.

The reason for this requested change, as set forth in the petition, is that the name ‘Bama when mis-pronounced by most as Bah-mah, sounds too similar to Obama. ‘Bamma, on the other hand, causes no confusion as the double ‘m’ in the middle forces people to pronounce the nickname correctly and as intended, i.e. Baa-ma.

“We don’t have any problem with the sitting President, per se,” said Lou Neebins, the author and promoter of the change. “But a bunch of us were sitting around one night after a game and every time someone said the name ‘Bama, well, I’d bristle. Not to be petty or anything, but when you don’t agree with a man’s politics but are forced to listen to his name, or a substantial part of his name at least, over and over again, well, it starts to grate on your nerves. And then there are the Alumni newsletters with ‘Bama printed practically in every paragraph. It just looks too much like Obama to a lot of us and let’s face it, we don’t need it in our faces day in and day out.

Said Neebins, “at least with ‘Bamma, we can get back to the business of cheering on our favorite sports teams without visions of a Democrat, an extremely liberal Democrat at that, dancing in our heads, and that’s all we’re trying to accomplish. Hell, as far as we know, President Obama would probably want to sign the petition as well just so he doesn’t have to go through too many more press conferences being asked questions about the latest win or loss at the University of Alabama and having to come up with an answer on the fly.”

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sarah Palin Becomes Climate Change Expert at Fox News

News has broken that Fox News has taken the plunge(errr) and has hired Sarah Palin as a contributor to take on some of the most controversial issues of our time, including climate change. Satirists and comedians were said to be partying into the wee hours of the night in anticipation of “the perfect storm,” i.e. Palin, Fox News and climate change coming together all in one place, and can’t wait for Sarah’s opening performance.

So what makes Sarah such an expert on say, climate change, you ask? Ok stay with me on this one. In case you haven’t heard, she is from Wasilla, Alaska and of course, by now you know that you can freakin’ see Russia from her house. But what’s that got to do with climate change you ask? Let me finish. Russia has a huge “Alaska” all its own called Siberia and from all accounts, Siberia is one cold and desolate place. Yeah, but Russia has always been cold, you say smugishly self-assured.

Well, don’t you find it freaky that Florida had a cold snap this month? And lots of Florida farmers are redneck conservatives? Good ole’ boys? Sorry not connecting the dots. I can see where lumping Alaska in with Siberia isn’t such a far out concept, especially since, a long, long time ago, they actually were connected by, I think, the natural bridge to nowhere, you interject with a modicum of doubt.

But what does Siberia have to do with tropical Florida? Well, I’m gonna tell you. It’s said that it is difficult even today to get good fruits and vegetables in Russia and with the latest crop failures in Florida, the same can be said for America, can’t it? Maybe? Just say yes so we can move on.

Sarah Palin is getting bolder and bolder and, little by little, she is showing her true colors as a teabagger, distancing herself further and further from the conservative party, not unlike the distance from say Alaska to Florida. It’s pretty much been established that tea baggers are hell bent (no pun intended) on making sure the public knows that there is no global warming and that this recent cold snap, in fact, is the beginning of a mini ice age, not part of a slow warming trend where we’ll see increasing temperatures over the next few decades (kinda like the warm up we’re seeing right now in Florida).

So, what this all means is, with ice and snow all the way down in Florida, albeit for only a couple days, not only are there going to be some pissed off conservative farmers who are going to have a cold snap thrown in their faces on a regular basis by a turncoat when they turn on the only news channel they feel they can trust for fair and balanced reporting, but crop failures are sure to hit America in epic proportions if subsidy payments aren’t made on time. Therefore, doesn’t it make sense that a teabagger with ice and snow experience should be on tap to create more controversy and discuss ice and snow in the news, and throw in a sprinkling of how taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for farm crop failures? I know that I, for one, would tune in just to see O’Reilly’s head spinning.

Some say Rupert Murdoch is dumb, yeah, dumb as a Fox.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Randy Jackson Packing Duct Tape for American Idol Shows

Trouble on the American Idol set already? It’s rumored that Randy Jackson let slip a little secret. He had asked his lawyers to add rolls of duct tape to the usual list of things in his contract he’d need while sitting in on some of the worst singing of his life. He also asked for specially designed ear wires that work to take away distracting background noise so that he could focus on the task at hand.

But if you think he was asking for these things because he’s had enough of the mediocre and sometimes just downright awful singing of hundreds of thousands of hopefuls who show up to audition for the hottest music talent search show in the world, you’d be wrong.

Sources close to Jackson admit that he had threatened to use the duct tape on Ellen when she started her “humming along” and “hours-long comedy routines” that he believed would not only be highly distracting, but would drive him nuts. At the time, Jackson was worried that he might lose it and he just couldn’t take a chance of ruining his career by throttling the throat of one of the most beloved personalities on live television. The duct taping, he said, would send a subtle but necessary message. Just one long piece over Degeneres’ mouth and the show could go on with Jackson’s sanity in check.

Jackson doesn’t like Ellen DeGeneres. Wait, let’s qualify that. According to Jackson’s spokesperson, “Randy likes Ellen DeGeneres as a person. He’s cool with her; it’s just when she goes on and on and on and on and can’t seem to control that incessant chatter that drives him up a frickkin’ wall. Randy is a bit miffed that they are taking a non-professional—in the sense that yeah, Ellen can appreciate music, but she can’t sing and as for dancing, well, it’s the same thing over and over and over and over. You get the gist of it. Ellen just takes it a little too far in everything she does.”

But why duct tape? Why not a gag? Something designer that would do the job but still make a fashion statement for the happy little imp? Evidently, Ellen has had this problem before and gags just don’t work on her. She manages to get words, albeit unintelligible words, out of her mouth by somehow throwing her voice from her throat. “It’s the damndest thing we’ve ever seen” said Jackson’s assistant. “Duct tape muffles everything DeGeneres says and words just don’t seem to be able to get out of her mouth as easily. Oh, don’t get me wrong, we figured when she was bound like that, she’d still be able to use her body language to distract Randy, but little by little, the little imp would wear herself out and about halfway through each taping, she would pretty much be spent.”

So far though, Jackson hasn’t used the tape. It’s still there in his dressing room and word has it that there are bets being taken around the set as to the exact time when Randy will ultimately decide he’s had enough and finally put the tape to good use. Whoever guesses the show date and time correctly is supposedly going to take home a lot of dough.

To give Ellen a chance to respond, we tracked her down backstage at her Ellen Degeneres Show to find out what she thought of Jackson’s request for duct tape at every taping of American Idol, and she just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed (with lots of emphasis on the “laughed”).

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Leading Eyeglass Lens Manufacturer Offering 3-D Bi-Focals

HOLA International, a leading eyeglass lens manufacturer, has developed a line of bi-focals that allow the wearer to watch 3-D movies and television without the need for additional glasses. The company has also come up contact lenses that can be worn only for viewing this type of technology. The lenses come in regular and prescription strengths.

Said a HOLA International company spokesperson, “with the recent technological breakthroughs in broadcasting in 3-D, we wanted to be the first company to offer a stylish alternative to viewers instead of the geeky paper and plastic versions now being sold at movie theaters. Our 3-D glasses will revolutionize the industry and make it cheaper for most to go to the movies because they won’t be charged $3 to $5 extra for a pair of cheap, throwaway 3-D glasses. In addition, with 3-D TV coming into homes, it will be essential to have a pair of glasses or lenses that will last for more than 2 or 3 viewings.”

In addition, HOLA is pairing with ZEBRA Vision, manufacturer of distinctly different contact lenses, to offer a “Way Out There” collection of 3-D contact lenses, including the “8 ball”, “Eyes that Follow You”, “Hellfire”, “Dead Eye,” “Lizard Alien”, and “Vampire Red” models which will allow the wearer to watch their favorite 3-D shows in character.

Wal-Mart and LensCrafters are expected to have the first of this kind of 3-D glasses and lenses in stores by June of this year, just in time for another round of 3-D blockbuster summer hits in theaters across America.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Paliens Infiltrate Sarah Palin’s Events with Little Notice

Little is known about the group calling itself “Paliens” but sources have indicated that they are a group of clairvoyants who are secretly infiltrating Sarah Palin events and using their supernatural powers to alter the intelligence of Palin herself. It is believed that the Paliens are part of a larger, more universal group that goes by the name of “Libertaliens.”

So highly evolved are the Paliens’ thought patterns that they are able to not only sneak past security at all of Palin’s speaking engagements around the world, but they are also able to send silent signals to Palin, herself, willing her to misspeak and create controversy in order to singlehandedly bring down the Republican Party and cause a new, more powerful political party to rise up, driven by those intent on taking their country back from the existing government.

Some say that this is becoming a reality as the party whose beliefs and ideology most closely resembles this vision, the Libertarians, are becoming increasingly stronger on the political scene, managing to snap up the many inconsequential political posts in small-town elections, such as comptrollers, commissioners, and court clerks, with the belief that these posts will lead them to control the towns as constables and mayors, and eventually lead to one of the strongest candidates becoming President of the United States.

Disguising themselves in the colors of the aurora borealis, Paliens appear to be like anyone else in attendance at the various Palin book signing events and other Palin speaking engagements, and in fact, may look strikingly similar to your friends or neighbors. But upon closer look, you notice the glazed look in their eyes and the fervent nature of their speech which are both supposedly dead giveaways.

No one yet has had the courage to ask the person next to them if they are, in fact a Palien because of the powerful dread that overcomes them when seated next to one. “I swear I was sitting next to a Palien over in Point Lookout, MO when Sarah Palin spoke at the College of the Ozarks.” The reason I think this is because the man kept referring to Sarah as the great ‘Miss Communicator’ and when I corrected him to say that Sarah did not miscommunicate anything, he replied ‘no, I mean Miss Communicator’ as in ‘Miss Missouri’, ‘Miss America’, indeed ‘Miss Universe.’ He said it just like that. It was eerie. I started to believe everything he and Sarah Palin said with such conviction.”

So why Sarah Palin and why now? The only conclusion we can come up with is that ever since the Libertalien sub-group known as the “Qualiens” botched its attempt to bring down the Republican Party during George H.W. Bush’s campaign for President in 1988, by dumbing down the responses made by Dan Quayle at various media events, the Libertaliens have been looking for another candidate capable of carrying out their vision of putting a Libertalien in the White House.

The Paliens have come back stronger this time as is evident in the way that the Republican Party is trying to distance itself from Sarah Palin, but at the same time, many conservative politicians are drawn to her when seeking endorsements for upcoming senate races. Many of these conservative politicians have secretly mentioned a repulsion they have for knowing that they must ask Palin for her endorsement. For instance, Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) (no relation to Star Trek’s Captain James T. Kirk that we know of), in November of 2009, felt an overwhelming urge to ask for Sarah Palin’s endorsement for his upcoming senate run in 2010.

It is supposedly believed by the Paliens that the more conservative political careers Palin can destroy, the more Libertarian-like candidates can step up to the plate and actually attempt a take-back of the United States government. In fact, it is possible that the very person these Paliens are channeling through, Sarah Palin, may be their ultimate choice to rule their new Republic come 2012, as it is becoming increasingly evident that Miss Communicator is starting to believe the rhetoric the Paliens are willing her to recite.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Fox News Signs Bristol Palin as Jr. Political Correspondent

Following the heels of her famous mother, Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin has reportedly been offered a Jr. Political Correspondent position at Fox News for an undisclosed salary.

Fox News would not confirm or deny the news, but instead offered this statement, “until we can confirm or deny this news, we cannot confirm or deny that Bristol Palin will be joining our news team as a Jr. Political Correspondent for the sole purpose of reporting on her mother, Sarah Palin’s, unconfirmed run for President in 2012.”

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Mark of the Beast “666” Encoded on Holiday Gift Cards

A record number of Christians have been flooding their local Wal-Mart stores and asking for replacements for the gift cards they received for Christmas due to the fact that they claim the mark of the beast “666” has been encoded within the card.

Although the card numbers themselves do not contain the number 666, customers have complained that when they go to Wal-Mart intending to use the cards to purchase items, their purchases almost always total out to either $6.66, $66.66 or for larger purchases $666 and change.

Word among churches has spread like wildfire and Christians are afraid to use their cards for fear that their purchases will ring up to the dreaded 666 number and they will face retribution in these end times. “It is scary how many people are coming up to me and telling me that they’ve gotten purchases rung up that total $6.66 or $66.66,” said Rev. James “Gimmy” Moore of the Last Church of the Redemption in Trimble, MO. “Sometimes it happens when folks are just paying cash too, which baffles us. We are thinking that this thing is much bigger than just gift cards, and may go to the very heart of Wal-Mart’s computer systems.”

Yonna Nealdown claims that she’s also seen the phenomenon in the price tags attached to women's clothing being sold at Wal-Mart. According to Yonna, “I was looking at tags in the ladies’ lingerie section and found a batch of very provocative lacy bras which were all encoded with the number 5546664532, 5546664533, 5546664534, etc. I wrote those numbers down because (1) when I looked at the plain cotton bras in the section, none of them had numbers with 666 in them; and (2) I remembered hearing something about the 666 number being attached to items that were associated with the devil’s work.”

Yonna then went to her local Target to check the tags in their lingerie department and none of them bore the mark of the beast. “This really proves it to me,” said Yonna, “that Satan is working through Wal-Mart and unless they start listening to their Christian customers, there is going to be hell to pay. I’ll definitely have something to talk about in church come Sunday morning.”

To follow up on this story, we decided to make a visit to Wal-Mart’s headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas to find out if they were intentionally encoding their products to ring up to any number of 666 totals but were told that we would not be granted an interview on such a bogus claim. So there you have it. Not only is Wal-Mart encoding their computers to pay homage to the beast himself, but they refuse to acknowledge or deny these rumors when given the chance.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Jeff Bridges a Practicing Wiccan?

Most people know actor Jeff Bridges best for his starring role in the movie “The Big Lebowski” where he played a pot-smoking loser known as “The Dude.” Until recently, his private life has been very private. In fact, the only thing up until now that most people knew about the award-winning actor is that he’s been married to the same woman for over 30 years, is father of three children, and is the son of actor Lloyd Bridges. Oh, and he is an advocate for the legalization of marijuana.

But looks can be deceiving. For the past 12 years, Bridges and his wife have been practicing a new form of Wicca, which incorporates the smoking of medical marijuana in its rituals. In fact, Bridges is considered a Wiccan Priest going by the name of Rev. Jeb Xenith. According to a fellow Wiccan practitioner, asking to remain anonymous, “Rev. Xenith is one of the most faithful members in our coven and we are blessed to have him as a leader. His strong belief in overcoming obstacles laid before us by our fellow man is a testament to his unfettered love of Mother Gaia (Earth). He is definitely the most laid back person I know.”

We were unable to secure an interview with Bridges to discuss his involvement with the New Wiccan Church of SoCal, but we’ll continue to monitor the story as it unfolds. It is rumored that actor and director Seth Rogan belongs to the same coven and this too will be followed up with more information being reported as we uncover it.